How Do I Sexy?

Very informational but more of a personal view/journey on their self discovery in sexuality and self image. This is not a book for young people! Though it is describe as an intro to trans and non binary livelihood, it is definitely written for the adult eye. The author uses and describes bdsm and other extreme explicit moments. There is no actual flow to the story (beginning, middle, end). Its basically just the author speaking on their experiences and giving definitions

Unfortunately, I had to DNF this title at 35 percent. While I appreciate "How Do I Sexy?"'s attempt to de-mystify queer (and specifically trans) sexuality, I was bothered by the tonal inconsistency of the work. Throughout the chapters, I was wondering who the target reader was. The writing seemed too simplistic,. While is commendable that the author aimed to make the book as inclusive as possible, I also found myself distracted by terms constantly being in bold when they were first introduced. And they weren't niche terms, either; the author put "cishet" and "nonmonogamous" in bold, which again leads me to wonder: who was this written for?

I think baby queers in the young or new adult age bracket might pick up valuable lessons from "How Do I Sexy?", but for the rest of us, it would serve us better to read this as as condensed blog post.

Thank you to NetGalley for providing an advanced copy of this book.

Thank you Netgalley for providing me this arc.

As I write this I'm in a weird space in my life as I come to terms with what I want and what my new normal will look/feel like. So, of course, when I saw this one on Netgalley I had to read it.

I wasn't sure what I expected when I opened this one, but I wasn't disappointed. In someways, this book felt like a informative pep talk from a fellow trans person and I needed that.

While this book doesn't shy away from all the things we whisper about when it comes to trans sex - body parts, what to call them, do with them pre/post transition. It's also so much more than that. It's a pep talk and a guide to finding your crowd and figuring out what makes you feel good and how to uphold and explain healthy boundaries in all relationships - not just romantic of sexual ones.

My biggest take away from this book came from the affirmation section.

“Affirming Mantra 4: I am not responsible for the feelings of others.”

I've struggled in this area my whole life even before I came out and this was the book I needed to read right now.

Would recommend to anyone struggling to find community or self acceptance.

What sets this book apart is its genuine, compassionate approach to guiding readers through the labyrinth of sexual identity. Drawing from over a decade of personal and professional experience, Lore provides invaluable insights and practical advice that resonate deeply. Their dedication to inclusivity and advocacy shines through every page, creating a safe space for exploration and growth.

I particularly appreciated the emphasis on introspection and authenticity, encouraging readers to embrace their unique selves without succumbing to societal pressures. From navigating dating sites to managing rejection with grace, the guidance offered is both practical and empowering. Moreover, the inclusion of perspectives from fellow trans and nonbinary individuals adds richness and depth to the narrative, fostering a sense of community and solidarity.

In essence, "How Do I Sexy?" is not just a book—it's a beacon of hope and empowerment for anyone grappling with their sexual identity. Mx. Nillin Lore's principled and compassionate approach makes this a must-read for anyone seeking guidance on their journey toward self-discovery and fulfillment, both in the streets and between the sheets. Highly recommended.

I found this to be a well written book that is geared towards newby trans and queer folx learning more about and exploring sex and sexuality. I think that this is a good book for older teens and beyond, especially the more explicit sections. However, the point of this book is about feeling sexy and sex as a queer person, and I think the author fulfilled that goal with this book. I also really really appreciated that the author included asexuality and aromantic people when talking about sexuality and attraction. Finally, I also really liked how the author bolded terms and words that might be unfamiliar to the reader and provided definitions in a glossary at the back of the book.

I absolutely adored this book and it was just what I needed so I can't recommend it enough. This book gives you a plethora of options about navigating your transqueer bodies. Because not every option is for everyone, everyone has options to chose from and advice that might resonate. The writing style also reads easy. Put this on your tbr!!

A really interesting delve into deconstructing the cis-heteronormative view of sexiness and attraction, and celebrating queer bodies and relationships in a world obsessed with labelling thing normal/abnormal.

The book maintains an accessibility to those new to queer lingo by highlighting terms in bold and providing a glossary with explanations that were often more than just a single sentence.

While I think someone who is newly exploring their queerness will benefit most from the advice and questions the book asks you to consider, it absolutely prompted me to look deeper into myself and how I feel. I really connected with the style here of sharing personal experience interspersed with information, advice and thinking points, but sometimes it felt like it jumped around a little bit. The later chapters seem to flow better than the earlier ones.

Overall, I very much enjoyed this read as it resonated a lot with me personally.

Thank you NetGalley for providing an advanced copy.

How do I, sexy?

This book is not for me….. but with, it’s pretty good, different, uniquely funny, and exciting. Do you need a unique take on the idea? I should have read the description before agreeing to review this book because I am overtly not the charming demographic. That being said, I think it's insightful and beautiful.

Thank you to Netgalley for giving me an ARC copy of this book, all opinions are my own.

This book is an outstanding look at trans queerness and at helping young adults find a way to be sexy in a world that teaches them to be ashamed for being different. The book is a refreshing look at trans queerness and feels like it was written for us rather than about us.

I enjoyed the formula that exists for most of the book, where Mx. Nillin Lore provides facts/history, before giving the reader an anecdote about their journey, and then proceeds to teach us how to do it ourselves. It is an effective way to teach and a smart way to blend memoir and self-help. Each chapter is well thought out and well-paced while being enjoyable to read. Lore manages the tonal shifts well, going from an educational. or serious tone to a more humorous and light-hearted one without feeling forced. The tonal shifts also help to stop the book from becoming either too dark or too frivolous.

The book also teaches important lessons and does an excellent job of examining what stops a person from feeling sexy and teaching the reader how to overcome it even if it means examining things a person doesn't want to look too closely at.

The book is a mix of a personal essay, a self-help/advice guide, and a history lesson and balances all of these aspects wonderfully.On a personal note, I think this book is important and necessary and would be helpful for anyone who is trying to find out how to be sexy, but especially the trans queers who don't even know where to begin.

I found this book to be an informative and affirming resource. Lore's willingness to share their personal experiences and professional insights helped me navigate challenges and build confidence in my sexual identity.

While some generalizations didn't resonate with my own experiences, I appreciated the overall message of inclusivity and self-discovery. Lore's dedication to promoting sexual liberation and self-confidence within the trans and nonbinary community is genuinely inspiring. I'm grateful for the support and guidance it offers to those of us exploring our authentic selves.

Although I was not the target audience for this book, I decided to pick it up to have a different view of "sexiness", and also to inform myself.

There are valuable pieces of advice here. I especially liked the part about different types of attraction, it is so important and I love seeing more content putting it out there for other people to learn. I also liked the idea of using experimenting with aesthetics you like seeing in other people as a point of entry to feeling more attractive. And the examples of affirmations are gold.

That being said, I was expecting this book to be a bit more about the people reading it, and not so much about the author. At least from the "guide" bit in the subtitle, I was expecting it to be different. But maybe if I had been the target audience, I would've appreciated that more.

I love that this book exists, and it serves as a good starting point for teens and anyone looking for an introduction to to queer sex ed. I look forward to adding it to our library collection.

How Do I Sexy? is many things. As a Guide for Trans and Nonbinary Queers, it is a book about both how and why to be sexy, with equal measures of affirmation and advice. It's more than just a h0w-to guide, however, with Nillin Lore weaving biography and philosophy into the 'why' aspects of the book, leading us on a journey with them.

Nillin opens the book by talking about what they call the Ventura Effect, resulting from the transphobia-for-laughs aspect of Ace Ventura, with Jim Carrey and others gagging and vomiting over the shock/surprise reveal of Sean Young as transgender. For me, it was the Drebin Effect, with Leslie Nielsen having the same deplorable reaction to the transgender reveal of Anna Nicole Smith, but in both cases it's representative of how we're indoctrinated from an early age to find transgender people disgusting . . . shameful . . . even frightening. It's a condemnation of transgender individuals that has long permeated so much of pop culture that many people are plagued with assumptions and visceral reactions based on nothing more than comedic fiction. It's no wonder we sometimes struggle to accept ourselves and embrace our sexuality, which is why Nillin so carefully sets about undoing the damage before getting to the sexy.

Chapter 3 talks about self-compassion, shaking off unhelpful advice, and finding out what's behind our anxieties. It's a sort of intellectual deconstruction that allows us to better embrace the mantras of Chapter 4. What struck me most in that chapter is the idea that “It’s OK to change my mind.” As someone who has, over the years, identified as a transgender, genderqueer, nonbinary, and genderfluid . . . straight, bisexual, and pansexual . . . and often just questioning and confused about it all, that's a powerful message.

In Chapter 5, Nillin explores the wonderful variations in the human body, and the multitude of ways in which we are free to form relationships, all outside the bounds of heteronormativity. It's also here where they explore the idea of 'passing' as a privilege, of being forced to shift from one binary to another, with the expectation for a full transition (and the prejudices against not transitioning). It's that pressure to shift within a binary that had me so questioning and confused over the years, and that prejudice against not transitioning that keeps me at arms' length from our local transgender support group. It's hard enough to find yourself when most of society is indoctrinated against you - we really don't need to discriminate within our community,

Chapter 6 is where we really start to get into the idea of feeling sexy, and this was probably one of my favorite parts of the book. There's talk of gender-affirming prosthetics, from dildos to breastforms to binders, and then we get into the wonderful world of lingerie. As someone who has only ever looked at clothing as something that forces me to hide (dressing to cover up) or allows me to express myself (dressing to feel sexy), I'd never considered the inherent discrimination against trans bodies in those very same clothes. Nillin details how lingerie is largely designed for cisgender bodies, with panties that leave no room for a penis or briefs that leave too much room for the lack of a penis. Fortunately, they share some wonderful advice on how to measure yourself, how to accommodate yourself in selecting a size, and even where to shop, and talk about the difference between

That same chapter (and it is a long chapter) goes on to explore the various cultures where sexy clothing is essential to our feeling sexy. There are some lovely groups here to explore and maybe even experiment with, if you've never had the opportunity, but the ones that resonated with me include kittens (one of my fondest memories is being dressed as a kitten and taken on a walk by a trans friend), femboys, twinks, witchy goths, and fetishwear (my fondest memory is being dressed in PVC bondage and tied up in the woods by my Goddess).

Chapter 7 is where we start getting into the idea of being sexy, with a fabulous discussion of the gender-affirming power of makeup (including the sensuality of having it applied by someone else) and tattoos. It's here that Nillin also explores the challenge and the importance of finding safe spaces and inclusive communities. The only part of the book I have any disagreement with is the section here on how preferences are bigoted. I'm a little more forgiving than Nillin here, partially due to my 15 years of reading, reviewing, writing, and editing own-voices erotica. All of that has exposed me to a wide range of identities and sexualities, allowing me to vicariously explore the differences between sexual and romantic attraction, and (more importantly) appreciate the why of attraction. If you're looking for a kinky fling involving queening, your preferences are likely going to include a vagina, and if a facial is what makes you feel sexy, a penis is going to be on the agenda. On the other hand, if you're looking for a relationship, that's where I agree that preferences can do more harm than good, since a lifetime together allows for a lot more learning, experimentation, and adaptation than a one-time fling.

I'll leave you to explore the rest and determine best how Nillin's advice and experiences suit you, but How Do I Sexy? is a fantastic read and a book that's worth keeping on the shelf for reference or revisiting - it has a useful glossary of terms at the back (including a few terms I didn't know) and a list of resources I fully intend to take my time exploring.