Mark and Jill Savage wrote this book from a personal place, and it resonates with their readers. Telling their own story of fighting for a marriage amid less than perfect circumstances, the Savages provide hope for the reader. They offer insight backed by Biblical text, and real-life application to encourage their readers to not give up on marriage, despite the imperfections. I highly recommend this book.

A real marriage is never perfect. It's simply two imperfect persons walking together toward being perfected. This is the key point of this book about marriage. Written by a couple who had faithfully practiced the popular list of marital advice, they still struggle through their marriages. They had spoken the various love languages. They had been intentional about communications. They have confessed their faith in Jesus and committed themselves to ministry in the Lord. They had worked hard on their relationships, with date nights and all the popular marriage formulas available in the market. Yet, for a period of time, their marriage fell into the pits. As people who have experienced what it means to be broken and humbled, they went through a personal re-education about what it means to be married. As they slowly climb out of their pits, they share with readers the seven fads of marital expectations. All of these have a common feature: They dilute the marriage slowly, by slowly fading hope, joy, and the beauty of marriage. These happen slowly but surely and early recognition could save marriages.

Slow fade of Unrealistic Expectations
Slow fade of Minimizing
Slow fade of Not Accepting
Slow fade of Disagreement
Slow fade of Defensive Responses
Slow fade of Naïveté
Slow fade of of Avoiding Emotion


We also need to remove our masks in order to be real to each other. We are cautioned about the "comedian mask" that covers up inner hurts; the "caregiver mask" that assumes activities and busyness are the solutions to marriage; the "know-it-all mask" that boasts self-control; the "pleaser mask" that entices couples to do whatever necessary to keep the peace, including suppressing oneself; etc. If we are already imperfect, why pretend to be perfect? They help us trace our origin of imperfections with understanding as the goal. That means learning about our family of origins, our blueprints we inherited. We are challenged not just to remove our masks but to ask about the conditions that make us wear these masks. Once we have done some pre-diagnosis, we are ready to embark on learning some tools to deal with the consequences of such imperfections. As we progress, we must be reminded not to let our ideals blind us from the present reality. We must not minimize the things that matter to our spouses. We need to learn how to disagree as mature people. We learn about the problems when we become too defensive. Gradually, we are led to a place where we are honest about ourselves, open to our spouses, and willing to be humble partners in our marriage.

Each chapter ends with a challenge of thinking about the material in the chapter. We are to reflect on our own selves and our natural responses. We could summarize our thoughts and feelings through the learning points or takeaways from the chapter. We then commit the responses to prayer. A Scripture verse helps us lay our answers, our comments, and our learning under the Word of God. Each chapter essentially addresses each of the seven "slow fades." Truly, a marriage does not break down overnight. Like the proverbial saying about the feather that breaks the camel's back, any break down of a marriage does not happen because of one incident. It is due to many small things over a long period of time. Using the metaphor of "small fades," the authors essentially address these small things using their own lives as teaching points and painful lessons. In doing so, the authors demonstrate openness and brokenness, that while they are teachers, they are also learners at the same time. There is no sense of them being superior to us readers, but they invite us to learn with them, to share the journey that every couple has to make for themselves.

Marriages are crucial for society. Children need it. Families need it. Churches require it. Cities need it. It is a sacred commitment made before God and people. The single biggest reason why marriages struggle is because imperfect people are involved. Someone has said that marriage is like a box. At the beginning it is empty. It only gets filled up when the couple each contributes something into that box. They need to make a deposit in order to withdraw something next time. The currency of deposit is love. Sacrificial giving means one does not keep track of what was deposited or withdrawn. When the need arises, feel free to withdraw something. At all other times, make deposits, both spouses. From expectations to the reality of practicing love, we need to be gracious enough not to be too hard on ourselves. Neither should we be too harsh on our spouse when things do not meet our expectations. Challenge ourselves to be the person that God has called us to be, instead of always catering to the expectations of our spouse. Know that we are all imperfect people with imperfect expectations. This book exposes the many follies and missteps that many married couples had knowingly or unknowingly committed. With frankness and brutal honesty, it is hoped that the authors' experiences and setbacks would serve as a powerful launching pad to save marriages that are struggling and to enable all marriages to thrive. The discussion guide at the end of the book makes this book a very useful one for group study.

Mark and Jill Savage are marriage counselors after ministering in church ministry for 20 years. They have five grown children and live in Central Illinois. They are popular speakers and authors of several books. They minister together at "Hearts at Home," a "go-to place for moms."

Check out their "No More Perfect Marriages - A 10 Day Blog Series" here.

Rating: 4.25 stars of 5.

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This book has been provided courtesy of Moody Publishers and NetGalley without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.

True intimacy involves both knowing and being known in all our imperfection. It requires humility to stop the illusions and see things as they really are, wisdom to tackle the lies, courage to push through the fear, compassion to be safe for your spouse to be honest with, acceptance to be able to embrace your and your spouse's messy reality, forgiveness to handle the disappointments, grace to embrace your shared humanity, and love to bear, believe, hope, and endure all things you experience as you move from trying to "be perfect" to "being perfected" and more like Christ each and every day.

The above mentioned quote alone is enough to encourage anyone to see the hope in marriage done well. But how do you get there? How do you get there without the support of your spouse? This is journey to help you take a look at yourself and how you can live in reality with your imperfect marriage. The author works with couples and shares their own marriage journey to live in that freedom. It addresses our need for intimacy and how to get there and even in the struggle, how we can leave ourselves vulnerable. Putting up walls always leads to resentment and bitterness. The walls that we put up for protecting our hearts, leads to destruction.

Stopping the painful cycles in marriages can start with one person by engaging with your spouse differently. In our communication, what does our spouse really hear. What expectations are not being met and most importantly what are our unknown expectations.

In our imperfect marriage, we can strive to do relationships in a way that honors God and his purpose. This text reflects that and makes marriage an opportunity for the gospel. I highly recommend.

A Special Thank You to Moody Publishing and Netgalley for the ARC and the opportunity to post an honest review.

I thought this book was just like most marriage books I have read...boring and unrealistic. I did not complete the book because I thought it would not help my marriage.

Thank you NetGalley for this book in exchange of my honest review. I loved this book - many great points and reminders that there are not any perfect marriages and you need to work at them and have the Lord involved in it.

Thank you again, Jill Savage. Your wisdom has been a God-send several times over the years for me, and I am very thankful!

After twenty-plus years of marriage, I found myself facing the stark reality of not getting my idealistic, Disneyfied version of “happily ever after.” Over the past few years, I’ve struggled off and on with keeping the love alive in our marriage. I knew going into it that true love isn’t an emotion, but a hard-won choice, an act of the will. There’s not much gushy or warm-fuzzy about the verbiage of 1 Corinthians 13. But I’ve not known what to do with my hurting heart, my un-met expectations, and my desires for the warm and affection. Truth be told, I didn’t know marriage was going to be this hard. There’s not been infidelity or anything super disastrous in our marriage. Just hard life situations of caring for parents, dealing with their deaths, stretched-thin finances, difficult children, and stressful employment situations.

The Savages’ book has helped me see where and how my expectations were hurting my marriage and has helped me set better, more realistic expectations. Once again, I am doing more than just putting my nose (heart) to the grindstone. By working through some of the ideas here, I’m actually enjoying being married again. It’s not a panacea, not everything will work for everyone. But the Savages point out that if one works at it, one’s marriage most likely will improve, all the while looking to the Author of marriage for guidance.

I gratefully received this book as a free eARC from the authors, publisher, and NetGalley in exchange for my unbiased review.

This book follows the same lines of most marriage books, but there is something about it that really makes it stand out. This book doesn't pull any punches. Mark and Jill are brutally open and honest. They speak with transparency about past transgressions and the struggle to reconnect. Alternating points of view help to get perspectives from both sides. Throughout the book they focus on what they call the "slow fade journey", which probably happens to every marriage whether you are aware of it or not. Mark and Jill focus on the eight powerful God-given tools of courage, grace, love, humility, forgiveness, wisdom, acceptance, and compassion, to show other couples the tools needed to work on your marriage if and when the need comes about.

This book is developed to be used with a small group. Each chapter ends with discussion questions, points to reflect on, and sample prayers. The discussion guide at the end of the book provides great resources and structure for the small group setting.

I would recommend this book to all Christians who are married, especially those seeking to arm themselves with the tools to work on their marriage if they should need them. I received this as a free ARC from Moody Publishers on NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.