First thought about this book, I quite didn’t know that it was a diverse book. Haha! I’m sorry. It must have slipped my mind. But then when I figure out that it was indeed diverse and it talks about suicide and depression, I braced myself. Most books that have this kind of topic are kind of heavy for me especially because I can relate to it.

However, I wasn’t moved by this book. I like some of the parts of the book especially the parts where I could actually connect to the characters. But there are parts that I do not understand the point of it. Like, why put it there?

Also, if I understand the story correctly, what happened wasn’t suicide at all, it was murder. Sure the protagonist’s best friend was depressed, very depressed, but she did not end herself, the whole town did. And all they talk about was her being a bright star and how she burnt out her brightness that is why she died. Like how sick is that?

Upon realizing that part of the book, I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. I don’t wanna meet the people from that town. They’re so twisted.

The ending though, I kind of both like and hate the ending of it. I’m pretty sure that there is something that the protagonist could do other than what she did. But maybe that’s how it supposed to be. Her best friend’s story wasn’t meant to be told to the outside world. Which, for me, kind of sucked because her best friend was an amazing girl; and despite her mental illness, she’s still fighting and being optimistic. She could be an inspiration to other people.

The narration was a bit confusing to me though. It was narrated using a third person point of view but there are chapters that use outsider’s view and sometimes a first person POV too. It was confusing at first but when I adjusted it was kind of fine. Still, I find it difficult to catch up because I don’t know what the change in the chapter was narrating about.

The story was good but I wasn’t into it as I thought I would. I feel like this book would have a very huge message if the parts that were confusing and unimportant were gone.

If you are the kind of reader who likes a bit of mystery with their diverse read, this book is perfect for you. I still recommend this despite my review. :D

This has been on my TBR ever since it came out. I was looking forward to reading Before I Let Go, because I enjoyed reading Nijkamp's other book: This is Where it Ends (which is about a school shooting). After reading the blurb of BILG, it sounded very cliché, but sometimes clichés can be a good thing! So I opened my Kindle app, and started reading...

Best friends Corey and Kyra were inseparable in their snow-covered town of Lost Creek, Alaska. When Corey moves away, she makes Kyra promise to stay strong during the long, dark winter, and wait for her return.

Just days before Corey is to return home to visit, Kyra dies. Corey is devastated―and confused. The entire Lost community speaks in hushed tones about the town's lost daughter, saying her death was meant to be. And they push Corey away like she's a stranger.

Corey knows something is wrong. With every hour, her suspicion grows. Lost is keeping secrets―chilling secrets. But piecing together the truth about what happened to her best friend may prove as difficult as lighting the sky in an Alaskan winter...

BILG started off at quite a slow pace... There were a lot of parts of the beginning that seemed quite repetitive and I was praying that the rest of the book wouldn't be the same. However, I did see that the book was quite short, so I also knew that the book would be a quick read and I hoped that Nijkamp packed a lot of mystery into such a short time.

It's a mashup of two clichés: the dead best friend who had loads of secrets and also may have been in love with the other friend who is alive because... well... BURY YOUR GAYS! And also the cliché of a girl moving to a small town that has loads of secrets. Seriously though, the people in the town are SO CREEPY AND WEIRD and they just sound like a cult. I was half expecting them to come out with pitchforks and flaming torches chanting some weird prayer thing. I guess this comes from them being brainwashed by Kyra's death. But it did get to a point where I just kept getting angry at them because there was Corey, trying to find out what happened to her friend, and then there are the townspeople just being complete and utter d****.  





“But I want my life to have meaning because I give it meaning, not because someone else says that it does. I want my life to mean something because I create. Because I love. Because I make the world a better place.”

― Marieke Nijkamp, Before I Let Go





Regarding the characters, I didn’t love Corey. She was fairly bland and lacked character development. Despite going through some immense realizations when visiting her hometown, I don't think that she changed all that much... She was very.... I don't know what the word is... Boring, I guess? She was very two-dimensional and I didn't connect with her at all. Though I can’t speak for the representation, I felt the author took great care in representing Kyra's bipolar disorder. Kyra remains an individual and unique person while dealing with her illness and I feel much information about the reality of this disorder is revealed through the text which I love to see in literature.

Additionally, I LOVED how this book examines the trope/misconception that mental illness is something that is “magical” and that greater depth and power comes from the manifestation of said illnesses. Although I can't say whether the representation was positive or not (I do not have BPD), I do realise that Nijkamp highlighted a lot of key areas of the illness.






“But together we held our darkness up to the light, and it became easier to carry because we were not alone.”

― Marieke Nijkamp, Before I Let Go





I am a bit conflicted on how the LGBTQ+ representation is conveyed in the book and I've noticed that it hasn't really been received that well by other members of the book community. Again, I can't speak about the rep here, but a lot of people (including myself) have labelled this book as a novel that falls into the "burying your gays" trope. This is seen where Kyra - who is pansexual - is dead. But then on the other hand, we have the main character - Corey - who is asexual. On top of this, I also felt that there was not much development into the character’s sexualities beyond finding the labels they identify with (which is definitely important to include!) and one having unreciprocated feelings for the other. It felt like Nijkamp just threw the labels into the book and just left them there without any development. To be honest, I actually haven't found any own voices reviews about this novel and the pansexual and asexual representation, so if someone has read this book and is pan or asexual, then I would love to hear what you thought! 

Overall, this book wasn't that great. Sure, there were some compelling elements such as the mystery (sometimes), and I did like a few of the characters, but for me. there were just to parts of the story that I was questioning and things that just didn't fit right. Hence the 3 star rating. I probably will end up reading Nijkamp's next book, but I don't have my hopes up for anything absolutely amazing as my opinion on her two previous books have been average.

Disclaimer: this book was sent to me by the publisher in exchange for an honest review

Before I Let Go is a Young Adult novel about friendship, community, mental illness, and dreams. The story begins with 16 year old, Corey, returning home to Lost Creek, Alaska for the memorial services of her best friend, Kyra. Lost Creek is in a remote section of Alaska and protects their own. "You know how it is, dear. You're an outsider. And Lost Creek does not take kindly to strangers." Corey wants to understand how and why Kyra died? Was it an accident? She finds the town changed since she left 7 months before. The buildings look different, the people seem to have a renewed sense of hope. And no one wants to talk about Kyra. Why do people keep saying, "So be it."? The book is full of suspense as you try to figure out what is real, who is a friend, and is anywhere safe. Do we really know people? I couldn't put this book down & read it in one day.

When I saw the cover of this book, I knew I wanted to read it. This looks cold and creepy. Before I Let Go by Marieke Nijkamp

Corey and her best friend, Kyra, are inseparable. Corey is the only person who understands Kyra’s high-highs and low-lows. So when Corey’s family moves away from their Alaskan town, she makes Kyra promise to stay strong during the long, dark winters and wait for her return. Except Kyra doesn’t.

Two days before Corey is to visit, Kyra is found floating underneath the ice.

While everyone in Lost Creek deems Kyra’s death a suicide, Corey knows something is wrong. With every hour, her suspicion grows. The town is keeping secrets—chilling secrets. But piecing together the truth about what happened to Kyra may prove as difficult as lighting the sky in an Alaskan winter…



This is set in Alaska which is one of my favorite places. It deals with the themes of mental illness and grief.

Warning: Spoiler Alert

Corey returns to her hometown of Lost, Alaska after her best friend Kyra falls through the ice in January, when the ice should be frozen solid, just a few days before Corey is scheduled to return for a visit.

I was eager to read “Before I Let Go” after reading the synopsis and was drawn in quickly. However, it just seemed to be going in circles for the majority of the book. The townpeople act strangely, they tell Corey she no longer belongs, Corey is hurt and confused, Corey misses Kyra, Corey thinks she sees/hears Kyra, repeat.
I finished and I was left with a feeling of, “What just happened?” and “What genre was this book?” Was this supposed to be about teens who are loners, suicidal, lesbians, precognitive, survivor guilt, or a ghost story? A lot going on here and several of the themes just never came to fruition.

I still have lots of questions. Where did all the stinkin’ salmonberry flowers come from in Alaska in January? Why did Mrs. Robinson’s garden growing and blooming in the dead of Winter? What was up with Aaron’s cottage looking unlived in and then reverting? Did the townspeople kill him, too, and he was a ghost? Why did the townspeople try to kill Corey but then let her escape and go on as if nothing happened. Was Kyra a ghost or was Corey just spooked? Was Kyra precognitive or just imaginative? Were her paintings self-fulfilling?
In the end, I did not like Corey. Not one bit. OK, she left town to go to school. She moved on with her life, but totally forgot about her best and only friend Kyra even though she knew Kyra was bipolar and needed her. Corey would not even return her letters. She should have some guilt there. In the end, she leaves Lost with hope and is starting a new story. Not sure I would want that kind of best friend.

Thought about the title, “Before I Let Go”. What does it mean? Before Kyra lets go and kills herself or Before Corey lets go and moves on with her life a second time? Or maybe both. Not sure, but that makes me dislike Corey even more!

I liked the flashbacks and letters (especially the unsent ones) to tell the story. Good story, but just too much going on and not enough resolved.

Publication Date: January 2, 2018
Genre: Fiction, Teen, YA, Magical Realism, Mental Illness
Cover: Great
Rating: 2 stars
Source: I received this book from the publisher via NetGalley in return for an honest review. Thank you for the opportunity to read this book!

I really enjoyed having the opportunity to read this book! It was one that I was hoping to be selected for. I have read several books by this author, and I have yet to be disappointed.

Oh this was a hard book for me. The author is talented at writing, but wasted those talents on this story. I could could care less about the story she was telling. I found it so painful to get through. I could of cared less about the characters and was annoyed by the town. It seemed like some freaky cult town that you find in an M. Night Shyamalan movie. They were so weird. The story was so weird. I started skipping over the flashbacks once I realized that they only made me more annoyed with the characters and even less interested in their story. I get that mental illnesses are real and difficult, but this was extreme. That stopping meds brought on her super powers through art. I found it all to be too much, too weird, too annoying. Sorry.

I'm conflicted on this, but overall it was just good. Not great. It was an easy and quick read. I enjoyed the Alaskan setting and the small town feel (I'm a small town girl) but I felt the main character was "blah". I was interested in the story and finding out what happened - but I just don't think it unraveled well for me.

This book was good, but I thought it could be better. I've been reading a lot of mystery-fiction-magical books lately so maybe I'm burnt out but it just wasn't as gripping as I had hoped. I enjoyed the author's writing style so I will probably check out some of her other books. The setting was beautiful but I don't think the characters were developed enough to the point that I really cared about them or was invested in them.

In a word: strange. I don't know what else to call this book. It feels flat, directionless and messy. I'm not sure what it was trying to do.

The best thing I can say about this story is that the setting is well realized. I could see Lost, I could feel the winter chills. It reminded me a lot of my mother's hometown in northern Canada although decidedly more creepy. The townspeople were flat and dull but the arctic winds and abandoned spa were almost tangible. However, like with the rest of the story, the supernatural elements are where it starts to fall apart.

Nothing in this book is explained. It tries so hard to create a sense of tension but fails. What it ends up being is a lot of unexplained nonsense. Characters that barely make sense, seriously I've seen slasher films have better character depth. The supernatural elements are never explained or justified. I guess sometimes mental illness is just a superpower? Not the best representation but alright I guess? The author also seems to confuse asexual and aromantic.

There's no real development. The town is creepy from the first second and it just...stays that way. There may or may not be ghosts. There's definitely something supernatural afoot but who cares. Not the book certainly. This story is literally just Corey (I keep forgetting her name) toddling around her hometown for a few days thinking about how different and creepy it is. As readers, we never really get a sense of what it was like before outside of her relationship with Kyra so we can't tell it's off. We just have to rely on Corey telling us. This is bad writing.

In addition, I don't know WHY some chapters were written in script format. I don't know what it was meant to add to the story. It ruined the little flow the book had and didn't actually improve anything. I cannot fathom why the author suddenly decided three chapters needed to be written this way. It's just odd.

This was an easy read thanks to Nijikamp's writing style but there's honestly nothing in this book that mattered. Corey, despite going through A LOT, got almost zero character development. Nothing changes. There's no satisfying closure. We start the book in one place, and we end in THE EXACT SAME SPOT. Nothing had changed for our protagonist or her hometown. No one learns anything. There are some brief moments of mild excitement that amount to nothing.

This book isn't bad enough to hate, and that's a shame. At least something that bad would be memorable.

I really loved this book. I loved the Alaskan setting, the encompassing horror feelings these words gave me, the way the characters realistically felt differently--and yet the same--about the situation. I loved the complicated friendship between Corey and Kyra, and Kyra herself. Corey didn't feel particularly unique, but it was in a way that made her undoubtedly real, and for that I also loved her.

I didn't like, however, that there was no intervention at the end. It didn't seem realistic in that regard, and while a reason was given for it, it was a stupid reason that seemed devised for a cleaner ending.

But even through that, and even through oddness of the story, I really suggest you give it a read. It kept my attention, and Kyra's story is valuable.

Oh my goodness this book...I don't know how to describe it, it gave me all the feels. It made me so angry I just wanted to hit something, there were times when I sat there, physically gobsmacked, I don't think I've every read a book like it. This book covered a lot of important topics. There's a trigger warning for suicide, one of the main characters suffers from bipolar disorder so this book looks at mental illness. We also have some LGBTQIA+ rep in the form of an asexual character, a pansexual character and gay characters. So as you can tell this book sounds like its going to be important and hard hitting and too me it really was.

I was hooked from the first page. The writing was fantastic it was compelling and very atmospheric. The chapters were short which kept me going and the inclusion of different forms of media including script like passages and telephone calls kept me engaged. I also like that the author included the flashbacks, this helped to flesh out the story and understand what was happening. The rural Alaskan setting also made this story really atmospheric that coupled with the, what I can only describe as, 'cult' like members of the community made this story both thrilling and creepy. Marieke's writing was also very emotive. Corey was experiencing a barrage of emotions throughout this book and you could really feel them coming off the page. She experiences grief, anger, confusion, hurt and guilt along with other things and I felt all of these emotions right along with her. It takes some good writing skills to get me to do that and I really admire Marieke for it. There were times in this, as I said before, that I was physically gobsmacked with the way the community of Lost were treating Kyra. Marieke did a good job of writing Kyra as a character in her own right and not just as a vessel for her illness but my god the way she was treated made me angry. I would assume this was Marieke's intention and it definitely worked.

After I finished this I wasn't really sure what to think. I knew I enjoyed the book as a whole and that it was a compelling and atmospheric read but I struggled to put my thoughts together. As a result I read some of the reviews and lots of people criticized the development of the characters but to me that wasn't an issue. This got me thinking about the novel as a whole and really it isn't a highly plot driven story. It was more of an exploration of an event with a large focus on the feelings of others and dealing with grief and emotions and I think this was done very well. Throughout the story there are elements of the unusual and not all of these were wrapped up in the end. Overall I think I was okay with that but I suppose it could of been wrapped up better.

Overall I really enjoyed this book. I loved the writing style, I don't think I've ever read anything like it. It made me feel all sorts of emotions and I admire the author for being able to do that. It was a highly compelling and extremely atmospheric read that I would recommend.

This is a wonderful written book. It kept me guessing and wondering what happened to Kyra until the end. Corey knew Kyra wouldn't hurt herself and she wonders daily on how she ended up dead and the police think it was a suicide. The whole town is keeping secrets and Corey is determined to find them out. This is a must read for all thriller lovers and you will not be disappointed.

Sometimes when I read a book, I forget why I wanted to read the book in the first place. Before I Let Go is, unfortunately, one of those books I forgot why I even bothered. It seemed interesting? Maybe last semester I read a different synopsis (probably not)?

Was I asleep? (It’s possible – I’m a tired college kid who appears to have enough sleep.)

Before I Let Go is set in the present with Corey returning home to Lost Creek, only to find out her best friend Kyra is dead and the town that once ostracized Kyra is suddenly mourning her. And for some reason whatsoever, the role is reversed and Corey is looked upon as an outsider who moved into the wrong city.

I was expecting a lot more suspense and build up but I got none of it. Nada. Zip. I got a lot of this:

Lost doesn’t take well to change, but we learned to understand her. She was happy.

And this.

She spread happiness. Kyra finding a place here was a sign to all of us that Lost can change – and change for the better. After all those years, she’d finally come home to us, and we to her. She was at peace.

And this.

With her art, she showed us the future. And once you understand that, you’ll find Kyra’s truth.

Same message, all a different variation.

No suspense whatsoever aside from a mild curiosity. 🤷

Eventually, all of it felt repetitive and there didn’t seem to be any progress aside from finding out what kind of person Kyra was before she died (even that felt a little confusing sometimes).

The writing is readable though. I went through Before I Let Go relatively quickly, at least the small progress that I chose to go through before my attention got taken away by The Heart Forger.

I still don’t know why I wanted to read this book. I expected more, I got virtually nothing but an early DNF in the year. 😪

This book was really disappointing. The premise sounded amazing, a mystery set in a tiny Alaskan town. But the writing style was very jarring. The constant switching back and forth through time was overwhelming and confusing. The main character, Cory, must have had the same conversation with different people about a hundred times and never gained any new information. And then, about half way through the book, suddenly the author is writing in a movie script style?! What?!?! None of it worked for me.

Corey and Kyra were inseparable friends. In a small, isolated town of 200 in the northern Alaska wilderness, they grew up close as sisters. And when Kyra is diagnosed with bipolar disorder, it becomes Corey and Kyra against the world in a town that is unwilling to accept anything or anyone different. Then Corey is forced to move away when her mother accepts a job at a hospital in Winnipeg. She makes Kyra promise to wait for her, that it will only be a few months until her summer break, and then things can be like they were before. But after only a few months, Kyra is dead, and the people of Lost Creek treat Corey like an interloper. What happened while she was away?

This was an atypical thriller. The setting of a small, isolated town is one guaranteed to get under my skin. Something about a community with no anonymity, but harboring dark secrets, is claustrophobic and terrifying. Due to the age of the protagonists, and the general tone of the book, this fits neatly into the YA category, but it is one of those books that will appeal to a wide range of readers. I quite liked Nijkamp’s sympathetic portrayal of bipolar disorder, and the difficulties encountered by those with the disorder to find effective treatment and acceptance.

The book’s plot centers around the paranoia of becoming a stranger in a place you once called home, and of the ease in development of homogeneous belief among small, isolated populations. These real-world situations are juxtaposed against a magical thread running through the plot, as we examine the cult-like nature of the townsfolk and the presentation of Kyra’s mental illness.

In all, this is not your run-of-the-mill thriller, and is much the better for that fact. Fans of YA genres, psychological thrillers, and (semi) horror will likely enjoy this book.

An advance copy of this book was provided by the publisher via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

I wanted to read this book because 1. I read and loved her debut, THIS IS WHERE IT ENDS, and 2. this book sounded like my type of book. Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m a huge fan of thrillers so BEFORE I LET GO was one of my most anticipated January releases.

I never really connected with our MC, Corey. I felt bad for her and I understood her need to know what happened to her best friend, but I never really felt a connection with her at all and that really hindered my enjoyment of this book.

The town of Lost was extremely strange, and so was everyone in it. My heart hurt so bad for Kyra and what she must’ve went through. Reading her letters and seeing where her head was at in her last days was just devastating. The thoughts and beliefs of the Lost citizens were extremely messed up. Kyra deserved so much better and it breaks my heart that she didn’t get it.

While I enjoyed some aspects of this book, unfortunately it just didn’t win me over. I do plan to read more from this author in the future though.

2 stars

I have almost no feelings whatsoever for this book.

It was definitely a bit of a surprise for me to have my review request accepted around 5 months after the book was published, but I had a hardcopy on hand from the library and decided to just go about reading that.

And it was a slow, and drudging process for me. It took me around a week to finish 50 pages, and I had to force myself to sit down and just read the other 300 pages (you can read 50 pages of this in 10 minutes if you try) so I could be done with reading this.

I seriously considered DNFing it a couple of times, but I didn't want to DNF a book when there wasn't anything blaringly wrong in it.

There wasn't anything terrible or heinous about this book, but there wasn't anything super positive or amazing about it either, and it led me to my current state of extreme apathy about this novel.

I wanted to like it--despite some of the flaws of Nijkamp's This Is Where It Ends, I still really enjoyed reading it & so I was hoping for an equally gripping story.

But this fell very flat.

It's about a girl, Corey, who had left the tiny Alaskan town of Lost months ago and returned after she found out her best friend had died, and she investigates her friend's death because she doesn't believe what people tell her.

I could summarize everything that happens in this book in less than 200 words, because nothing really happened.

This was one of the first problems for me, because there wasn't a lot of actual substance. It was Nijkamp building up the story by including snippets of the girls' past and Corey wandering around the town hoping for something to jump in her face and make her understand.

It was slow and didn't have that cutting-edge, gripping suspense that This Is Where It Ends had, and it was more like those tell-it-backwards thriller/mystery stories whose purpose is to find out what happened.

I felt like there just wasn't enough substance in this, and paired with the slow, not-very exciting nature of what Corey was doing, it definitely made this book drag for me.

Similarly, I just didn't really care about the characters.

They were there, and none of them, except maybe the dead girl, who had enough complexities to interest me. But everyone else fell flat, and I barely even knew who Corey was.

I definitely didn't end up connecting to any of the characters, unfortunately.

The entire ending was pretty underwhelming for me, and even though there was that one ~actiony~ scene, it was an ending that I predicted and you could tell would happen early on from the story.

If anything, this is more of a story about Corey than about Corey finding out what happened, but I feel like not enough of Corey's feelings were conveyed to the reader to make the reader connect to her own emotional journey.

The only positive I really saw was the mental health representation & message. I like how Nijkamp commented on that small town mentality against mental illness and how small towns can stigmatize things like this. Similarly, I like how she used the ending to demonstrate that sort of mob mentality and the problems with how the town treated the girl who died.

This book didn't have enough content, wasn't creepy enough, and was just generally slow and I ended up not being intrigued throughout the reading experience. Overall, it wasn't like I had a terrible time reading, it's just that I knew I could be spending my time reading more memorable books unfortunately.

I wouldn't recommend unless you're looking for a more calm & slower read, or if you're a hardcore stan of Nijkamp's work.

Thank you so much to Sourcebooks FIRE for sending me a digital review copy in exchange for an honest review! For disclosure, I read the published hard copy from my local library & not the digital.

I have mixed feelings about this book, I was very invested in this book and it was an enjoyable read for me, but this was honestly not the best book I've ever read. I found that for me I had a hard time identifying my likes and dislikes of this book, and I've heard others had the same issue with her other book This is Where it Ends. Before I Let Go wasn't a mediocre novel by any means but I just wasn't impressed by this book.
I did very much enjoy the writing style of this novel, Nijkamp has a prose that's great for keeping readers engaged in the story, though her plotting wasn't something that I particularly loved, I do enjoy her ability to keep me interested and wanting to constantly keep reading. The mystery ended up lacking suspense for me because the resolutions are revealed very slowly throughout the story, and sadly left me a little unsatisfied with the plot.
The small town setting wasn't all that different for me, I myself live in a small town (not quite as small as this though) so it was as different for me than for someone who lived in the city. This town was creepy and had a cult-like feeling that made me think for of supernatural than a contemporary novel. I thoughtfully enjoyed analyzing the community's mindset while I was reading and attempting to understand where their thoughts and actions are coming from.
I'm not really a fan of Cory, she was a boring character that really lacked development throughout the story. Even though she goes through some immense realizations while visiting her hometown, she really didn't change much from the beginning of the story to the end, her reactions and perspective on the world never really changed. Kyra was an interesting character for me, especially because she isn't an active character in this book as she is dead at the beginning of the story. I can't speak for her representation, I like that the author took great care in representing her bipolar disorder.
Though I can't really verbalize my likes and dislikes about this book, I did enjoy it and I do plan on hopefully reading more of her books in the future.

I thought this was going to be a good book. The beginning started out interesting, and then fell flat and repetitive. I did finish the book, but it never got interesting.