I really tried my best to finish unfortunately I couldn’t. The book seems to have some helpful info but I just had issues staying interested in the book because I felt a little like it was repeating its self. I think the author does a good job but think this just wasn’t the book for me.

Should be required reading in todays world of outrage and cancel culture. We all need to cool things down.

There was some good information in this book. Although not all of it was new, it did seem solid and obviously comes from personal experience and study. I feel it might have been a more effective read if it had been streamlined a bit.

As someone who has worked with the public for over 20 years, and has dealt with my fair share of angry people, I do not think I would try all the techniques within this book (just my own personal experience).

This book provides helpful information which can be put into practice immediately. Not only can you diffuse a situation is no time, it improves communication in stressful situations and with many people.

Of course, with any self-help book, it is as helpful as often you practice it. You have to remember to use these techniques, but with practice it easily becomes a part of you. I have used it many times with family and also with my ex and it truly does work!

I am afraid that I did not enjoy this book. I felt as if it was an article stretched into a book with lots of repetition. I did not think that the concept would work with me, or for me dealing with those around me. It is always good to try something new, but this was not the technique for me

An arc was provided generously in exchange of an honest review via Netgalley.*
I really liked the idea and it seems to be working. So if you need to know how to calm down your children or your parents, or someone else, this book is for you.

What you are told to say to someone who is angry seems to be patronising, false and it would be obvious to anyone that you have read bad self help book. I'm not impressed with this book.

This book was exactly what I was expecting and a whole lot more. I've used these techniques with family and friends, young and old. It really does work. I have found I have become a much better listener and a better wife, friend and parent becuase of it. I wouldn't hesitate to recommend this book to anyone.

Not bad but not anything revolutionary. I liked all of the examples but felt like there needed to be more follow through with them.

Helpful tips for personal and professional life which are easy to apply as well as rate once implemented.

When I came across this I jumped at the chance to read it. My husband has been wrestling with anger issues for years and I come from a family who takes anger issues to a therapy inducing level so I very much wanted to learn ways to help de-escalate incidents rather than increase the tension.

Noll, someone who has worked in the legal field, comes with lots of experience and a long resume to back up his ability to put a book like this out and be taken seriously.

The only way you’re going to truly know if his techniques work is to try them on an angry person. I don’t recommend purposely making someone angry but look at it as being certified for CPR – you hope you never have to use it but it’s a good skill to have should the need present itself.

As a parent of children on the autism spectrum I also found his techniques beneficial to calming them down as well. Sometimes when my youngest in particular is in a full meltdown it can be difficult to soothe her so she doesn’t harm herself or anyone around her. The basic principles worked on her too and helped me learn some new parenting tricks. Often when she’d have a meltdown it’s not because she’s really angry about Netflix not working but because she’s tired, overstimulated and wants to pull away from the world. Whereas before I’d get frustrated she’s getting upset over the internet having a hiccup thanks to this book I started paying more attention to the emotions instead of the words which have allowed me to find ways to help her that work for us both.

Some of what he uses such as using direct statements that being with “You” are basic communicative psychological principles you would normally learn in marriage therapy or an Everybody Loves Raymond episode but all joking aside I can tell you they work.

This is a MUST have book for any parent, teacher, person in a relationship, etc because it will teach you some valuable skills to better the world around you. With the exponential rise in anger around us what could it possibly hurt to try?

DE-ESCALATE: How to Calm an Angry Person in 90 Seconds or Less
Written by Douglas E. Noll

I have always tried to keep a safe distance from angry people. There is something about being around an angry, volatile person that has always automatically made me very uncomfortable. Throughout my entire adult life I have tried to avoid angry, volatile people. Reading DE-ESCALATE seemed to be a perfect fit for me because I wanted to learn the skills that the sub-title claims. The sub-title states that within this book lies the ability to calm a person in 90 seconds or less. I read this book twice because what the author is promising seemed valuable skills that when applied seemed to make sense.

In life it has been unavoidable not to encounter anger since it is a real emotion. Douglas E. Noll, the author, is a lawyer but describes himself as peace-maker. He has had a lot of experience as a mediator between his job as a lawyer and a consultant. Since 2010 the author along with a colleague has given workshops and starts the beginning of the book with a letter from a female incarcerated in Valley State Prison asking him to please come to the prison and teach her and a group of willing incarcerated participants his methods on diffusing volatile situations. The female's name is Susan and Susan states in her letter to Douglas E. Noll's colleague that the group once taught the skills will form their own groups and pass on the skills and methods to the general population. The author instantly agrees.

This book explains the skills the author teaches with his colleague Laurel Kaufer to a pilot group of 15 women serving life or long sentences. This group of women consisted of a representation from every walk of life, ethnicity, educational level and socioeconomic background. They were tough, shut down, angry and deeply wounded women. These women's goals were wanting to end fighting and arguing in their prison community and needed to learn the skills to do it. During the fourth week of training the author claims to have had something powerful going on.

I have to say that by testing these skills on inmates and claiming if the skills are successful with prison inmates that the skills can work for anybody makes me uncomfortable because I don't like to stereotype. I understand that in order teach these methods and skills outlined in this book to anybody, first, you have to be able to calm an angry person down. I was able to learn from examples of using what the author terms affect labeling, from multiple examples of dialogue between an adult and children between the ages of two through eleven that affect labeling works and was a valuable lesson to learn. I remain skeptical how effective affect labeling with older more sophisticated people who are able to see through this method and may feel manipulated and not like it.

Basically, affect labeling is ignoring the words of an angry person and tuning into the emotions behind the words and acknowledging those emotions. By ignoring the words and acknowledging emotions that underlie the words works well with children. By ignoring the words of an angry child gives you the ability to not get pulled in to the vortex and trying to listen for the underlying emotions behind the words is helpful and is sort of common sense. The author explain's this method by giving multiple examples and instructs the person to use statements that begin with "You" and not "I." He claims that people feel more deeply understood when reflecting back by using "You" and not "I," statement's acknowledging the emotions and reflecting them back always leads to deeper communication and the person will always feel listened to and heard.

I will use one of the many samples given in the book as an example of affect labeling:
1. Ignore the words.
2. Guess at and reflect back the emotions.

Since we are interested with de-escalation, we really only have to remember six fundamental affects. In the usual number of presentation, they are: --Anger
--Fear
--Anxiety
--Disgust
--Grief-Shame-Humiliation
--Abandonment/Unloved

Here is an example quoted from the book of basic affect labeling between two friends:

SPEAKER (S): "My husband never listens to me. He just comes home and turns on the television."
LISTENER (L): "YOU are frustrated and feel disrespected."
S: "Yeah! And anytime I ask him how he is feeling, he completely shuts down,"
L: "YOU are frustrated and sad because he will not connect with you."
S: "It can be lonely at times. It's like we are living in two universes."
L: "YOU are lonely and sad and you feel unloved."
S: "Yeah, that's it exactly. Thanks for listening to me."
L: "You're welcome. Anytime."

That is as simple as it looks. The author doesn't offer further information regarding how to solve the situation between the Speaker and the disconnected husband. But does make the point that when the Speaker or the person you are trying to de-escalate responds by saying "Yeah," or drops their shoulders or sighs, that these are verbal and non-verbal signs, that the Speaker feels understood and listened too. That is your goal.

There are many terms that the author uses that you need to memorize. He devotes a whole chapter of useful samples just like the one above only switching the speaker as the reader on how to de-escalate teen-agers. As I said above, the older the person that the reader is trying to use these samples on, the more likely the angry or frustrated or tuned out emotions that you are trying to help your teen articulate and recognize and begin to understand their emotions--they are that much more sophisticated and can easily tell what you are doing, it is likely that they will ask you to stop, because the tendency is to feel manipulated. The author gives you sample dialogue to deal with which become a lot longer sessions of continuing to affect label.

I found some chapter's to be extremely informative with concepts at communicating that I use already, the author might use the correct term, which is easy to remember. There are a lot of things that need to be memorized to even begin to put into practice. There are 217 pages of different skills and methods to put into practice and learn. I will definitely buy a copy when this book is published because it is impossible to remember all of the different key points he uses. What the author suggests makes sense. I found this to be a highly valued resource to return to and am glad that I read it. I am sure there are wise practices that make for a more peaceful way of living.

Thank you to Net Galley, Douglas E. Noll and Atria Publishing for providing me with my digital copy in exchange for a fair and honest review.

What a relevant topic for these days.....I especially liked how he also addressed the online culture and how people just explode and situations escalate in mere keystrokes. We live in crazy times, and we can all do our part to destress those around us as much as possible. Defusing situations is a great first step. Also, I liked the suggestions for parents of teens... ;)

Very good information for newbies to this topic. It is presented on a very basic level, which is good. I do think it is not very practical that most people can talk that way without being called out on it. It seems awkward and while there was some discussion on this, I think there needs to be more and other ways of presenting that would be comfortable in normal conversation. I liked how the author discussed the different ways to handle children, teens, spouses, colleagues, etc.