I love finding new authors who's writing works for me and I'm happy to say this one did. When Joel was a teenager he was in love with his best friend Diego. They lived in a small, rural town so they kept their relationship hidden. This all ends when Diego dies in a car accident and his phone is found and all their sexts are released to the public. Joel's entire life crumbles around him and the poor kid is put through hell.

The start of this book catches up to him three years later. He's gone away for college, changed his name and he never tells anyone his story. He has few friends and only has meaningless hookups. Joel is drowning in grief. He hasn't moved on at all. And maybe, most importantly, he doesn't want to. He loved Diego with all his heart and his memories and grief are all he has left of him and he's not ready to give those up.

Joel meets Paulie in one of his classes and circumstances lead them to being friends. Over time they start to have feelings for each other. It's not an easy road though. Because as much as Joel cares for Paulie he still holds on to Diego. It's a road of self discovery and unfortunately Joel hurts Paulie and himself more than once.
I loved Paulie as a character. He was such a nice, sweet guy and his patience and understanding of Joel's issues were touching. I also really liked Joel. I didn't always like the things he did but I understood them and I think the author did a very good job showing his grief. He was not only grieving Diego's death but he was grieving the loss of his dreams, the future life he wanted. The positive relationship with Paulie also serves to highlight how his relationship with Diego was lacking by them having to be in the closet and for Diego's self hatred due to his parent's religion. It makes Joel angry and rightly so imo.

Both Paulie and Joel have complicated family relationships and the story showed how things are not always black and white. Sometimes you hurt the one you love on accident. (That being said I still think both sets of parents were assholes)

This book was very emotional and pretty angsty. It deals with a lot of serious issues and some parts were a bit painful to read. If you're like me and you love angsty reads you should check this out. I think this was really good and an excellent debut novel. I can't wait to read more from this author. (here's hoping Joel's roommate Travis gets a book)

**ARC provided through Netgalley in exchange for an honest review**

Well...this book was definitely more angsy and emotional than I expected. This is a book about loss, but also about love...

Joel (21) has been grieving the death of his boyfriend for 3 years now. He doesn't let anyone close anymore and only has casual hookups. He hasn't really been living...more like surviving I would say.

This is when he meets Paulie...who is quite the opposite. I liked Paulie, he was sweet and fun.  These two go from friends to lovers. But Joe, he is so stuck in his grief that he doesn't know how to deal...which turns him into an asshole on more than one occasion. I spend a lot of my time pretty pissed off at Joe.

I can understand grief....but grief doesn't excuse everything. Thankfully Paulie wasn't a complete doormat, though he accepted way more crap than I ever would have.

Now even though this book managed to make me really angry, it also managed to make me sad and in the end happy....which is what I actually look for when I am reading a book. The more emotions the better !!

Another plus was the steam..for those who would like to know. This book definitely had it's HOT moments :P

An arc was kindly provided to me via Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.

My reviews are posted on Dirty Books Obsession

I'm torn. Sigh! Really, really torn. There's a lot I liked about this book but it wasn't a smooth read for me. No that's not completely true – I enjoyed the beginning a lot. It's fresh, fun, angsty. I liked Joel and enjoyed his struggles, the difficulty he has with dealing with people, love and loss.

But–and here it is–the narrative was nice but not amazing. In a way the storytelling was fantastic, the author definitely talented, but the story itself didn't have a lot of meat. I missed a certain spark and after 50% it just didn't hold my attention any longer. The book is simply too long for this kind of story.

I mean, the story is great, I really liked Joel and his connection with Paulie was lovely, but it's basically a full on romance, right? They meet, grow closer, fall in love, have struggles and find their way back to each other. Perfect. If only it had less words and more action, something, anything, to keep me interested... I don't know if I'm saying this right. Without a secondary plot this was simply not entertaining enough.

As my friend once said, 'happy couples make for a boring story' and even though they had their struggles and things to deal with, it wasn't enough for me to keep things interesting. Especially after reaching 50%. Maybe if I'd been more invested in Joel and Paul...

Their romance was very sweet though and I'll probably remember them for a long time to come.

I felt for Joel, for his loss of his first love.

▽
Many, many thanks to the publisher who kindly provided a free copy for an honest and impartial review.

review contains spoilers.

I was provided an ARC from the publisher via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

I just have to say WOW, this was an amazing debut novel for Erin McLellan. I love the cover (it's so perfect!) and the title makes sense now that I've read the entire story. I just loved these guys! The whole time I read this I felt all warm and squishy, LOL. Joel and Paulie are great together. There is no insta-love here, so don't worry. They start off as casual friends (Paulie basically dumfounds an agreement from Joel to be a back up note taker, just in case Paulie misses a class, he wants to borrow Joel's notes, so he better be good!), and then as they spend more time together at the club, feelings start to develop. Joel has been suffering from the death of his high school boyfriend and has not been ready for a serious relationship and so has stuck to casual hookups. Until Paulie.

And oh boy, are they electric together. The characters were written realistically and as much as some of their decisions angered me, I understood them. [Paulie stays with Joel, even knowing that Joel is still suffering from Diego's death, that he still loves Diego. When Paulie says "I love you," Joel doesn't say it back, even though he desperately wants to. But he can't say it yet because it would mean letting Diego go, and he can't. The lack of return "I love you" hurts Paulie, and Joel knows it. It's obvious Paulie want's the words, but he doesn't push, doesn't question. There is a scene where Paulie is sick with the flu where he tells Joel that "he [Joel] won't keep him," meaning that Paulie knows he is only temporary in Joel's life, that despite how much Paulie loves him, it's not enough to get only half of Joel in return. I hated the fact that Paulie stayed with Joel for as long as he did, hurting and waiting, but I understood it - he didn't want to give up; he loves Joel and couldn't say goodbye. (hide spoiler)]

There are several heartbreaking moments between these guys, and with Paulie's family too [Paulie's parents + religion = not accepting of gays or willingness to reduce the # of children. Paulie has 8 sisters and twin boys are the youngest. Holy cow! When Paulie announced he was gay, his parents basically told him to hide it, or choose to be straight. Paulie ran away to his aunt Ruth who welcomed him.


(“When I was thirteen, I called my dad’s sister, Ruth. I’d never met her. She was the only one of my dad’s siblings to leave the fold, and I had to use the computer at the library to find her number. I think I said to her, ‘I’m so gay it’s not even funny.’)

Daria, who is a year younger than Paulie, left too when she was 17 and went to live with Aunt Ruth. Daria is not an emotionally stable person and Paulie worries about her a lot. A lot of the story is about their relationship (hide spoiler)].

The conflict is not just with Paulie and his family, or later between Joel and Paulie. There's also family drama angst with Joel's parents. After Diego's death and the kids being outed by the press in the aftermath, Joel's parents separated. Joel's father is a jerk, but as we see more of him, it's obvious he loves his son, he just doesn't understand him or how to relate to him. The only thing they have in common is their love of westerns - not much to base a bonding father/son relationship on. In the end, I think they will find their way, and they have a tentative start before the book ends.


“I was dating him because I love him...But Paulie made me feel normal and happy. And I screwed it up.”
“Sounds like you need to figure out a way to get him back, then, son. It’s not easy, though. Let me tell you.”


You can tell that Joel's father is trying, and it really touched me that he said this, even though he doesn't understand his son being gay, he wants him to be happy. This is why I think they will eventually form a tight bond with each other. It won't be for years to come, and it will take all those years in between, but one day they will have the relationship they both always wanted. Of course, the author could prove me wrong and write a sequel (there is room for that), but I choose to see HEA everywhere. :)

I highly recommend this and I can't wait to read more by this author. Oh, and there was a lot of sex, a lot, and after a while I skimmed those parts because, well, you know why.

[For those who need to know, hehe, Joel and Paulie do break up for a while, and Paulie dates someone else in the mean time, and Joel finds out. It hurts him, but he doesn't blame him. Paulie (in a drunken drama depression) says some hurtful things to Joel. I was certainly shocked to hear those words from Paulie, and I didn't like it one but, no siree bob, but it was clear he was still in pain and lashing out. It was hard to see them be apart and hurting, but the make up later was nice. (hide spoiler)]

DNF 25%

This one started off really great but then lost my interest. I put it aside and although I keep trying, it's losing my interest.

ver have one of those reading experiences where everything just clicks? When all the words and sentiments expressed feel like a shared secret? That makes you reminisce on those conversations you've had in the middle of the night when it seemed easier to share all those random things that whirl around in your brainpan, so simple yet somehow profound?

That was this read for me.

I started reading the excerpt on Riptide's site just to see if it would suit me and within the first chapter I started to have that feeling. I tried to hold out once I got the ARC, wait to read and review it until closer to release day but it had its hooks in me and I needed to know.

Controlled Burn is told entirely through Joel. It's about him letting go of his grief and guilt and learning to live and love again. He'll never be the boy who was in love with his team's first baseman that had dreams of walking on the team at University of Nebraska together. He'll never be Jared again. But he can start again, be someone new, live an honest and open life with someone thoroughly unexpected. If he'll give himself a break and stop being so stubborn.

Joel, at first glance, struck me as the prototypical protagonist who's suffered a terrible loss-closed off, only looking for anonymous sex to lessen the pain of losing his first love-but as this story unfolded so did his layers.



The complexity of not just his emotions but his behaviors resonated. He's not predictable nor is he perfect but his vulnerability spoke to me. He's put Diego and their halcyon days together on a pedestal which I think many are wont to do with someone who dies unexpectedly and so young. He's found comfort in this routine and created a life for himself albeit an isolated one. And then came Paulie.

He looked like home, and nothing had looked like home in a very long time.

Paulie is everything Diego wasn't. He's femme, out and proud, demonstrative, sassy and a bit audacious. He has a presence, makes no apologies for who he is nor does he hide how he feels about Joel. He has his fair share of baggage in the form of a hyper-religious family that wanted him to pray the gay away then ousted him at 14. Paulie is so strong in so many ways but just beneath the surface lies an innocence, a fragility. He's whatever the male version of a steel magnolia is.

Joel is in equal measures crazy in love with Paulie and terrified of what that means.



Theirs is an all consuming love but there is a secret that the longer it's left unspoken, the greater the risk is it will blow them apart. For a romance addict like me there were so many quiet moments between them that were superbly written emotionally yet happen in such realistic and austere ways that made them accessible and will undoubtedly lead to a reread in the future. Both the showing of their connection and the caliber of the exposition of these characters were top-notch.

Even if I didn't have the balls to say it, I could press my love into his skin like a tattoo, burn it into his memory so he would never forget it.

Sex is an integral part of their relationship. For me, it wasn't about the sex so much as it was about the emotionality of it and what it means for both of them. Why they have an insatiable need for the physical connection and a compulsion to leave their marks on each other. There are a couple of scenes that are memorable for their intimacy, but by and large what I will remember is the overpowering tenderness, the withholding and the unspoken yet utterly heartfelt emotions all corkscrewed together with a fiery passion.

In a weird way Diego is what brings them together and what could tear them apart. His loss is a sore than needs lancing in the worst way, and I appreciated that nothing about doing so was easy for Joel. Diego was his first love and even though he loves Paulie with every part of himself that doesn't diminish what he had with Diego. All too often it seems the norm to minimize past relationships so it was refreshing to see the road less traveled taken here.



I would be remiss if I didn't mention the secondary characters. First and foremost, the Midwest. Both Joel and Paulie are born and raised in the Nebraska/Kansas area and they're going to school in Oklahoma. As a fellow red state dweller, I appreciated the atmosphere McLellan created, how important it is to both of them to stay because in spite of the politics and the redneckery it's still their home and has a beauty they both can't imagine living without.

And then there's Travis and Alex and David McDavid and Aunt Ruth and Daria all of whom got under my skin. Even their parents as much as I abhorred their parenting, they weren't made into villainous caricatures, just human. I was so happy to learn of a sequel with Travis and (hopefully) his ginger cowboy. May there be much spanking!

Simply put, I loved it and if any of the above gibberish speaks to you then give Controlled Burn a try and hopefully it'll make as much of an impression on you as it did me.




An ARC was provided by NetGalley.

Joel and Paulie are gay students who meet in an Ethics in News and Media class. A case study is given out in class which features Joel and Diego, his then partner, who died in a road accident. The boys were outed by the press in the aftermath. Joel has changed his name, become estranged from his family and moved away. He has secrets he shares with no-one. he avoids relationships and buries his hurt in casual sex.

Paulie comes from an Evangelical family who rejected him at fourteen when he announced he was gay. Despite having found a happy home with his Aunt Ruth, he too seeks refuge in casual sex.

My dislike of these characters starts here. We are, I think, supposed to feel sorry for both of them because they are damaged by a past which they cannot leave behind and are to think of them as good people. I do not buy into that. Look at the way Joel has treated his partners between the death of Diego and meeting Paulie. Look at the way he treats David who he picks up after he and Paulie break up. How does Paul treat his partners, for instance, Alex?

Joel and Paul both USE people and treat them with contempt. They are selfish and self-absorbed. They are supposed to be in their twenties but act like stunted teenagers.

Both are emotionally immature. Their ”relationship” seems to consist of having a lot of sex, very repetitively described and totally un-believable. The descriptions do not feel like men having sex.

Joel conceals the truth about himself from Paulie and denies him real love and commitment. They break up but get back together eventually and work out how to have a future together. Thank heavens, since that means they will not be ruining any other people’s lives!

Frankly, my dear, I couldn’t give a damn about either of them. I could not wait to get to the end of this and skipped a lot of the sex-scenes which simply do not ring true. Even the stereotype breaking -Paulie is very feminine, but likes to “top” and their friend, big , hunky Wesley is a devoted “bottom”- was predictable.

The parts I enjoyed most were about Joel’s history researches and this shows just how interesting the rest of the novel is, despite being reasonably well-written. The most engaging character was Aunt Ruth who was level-headed and had a sideways slant on the world.

I understand there will be a follow-up about Wesley. I hope his story will prove more entertaining.

Recommended to those who like a lot of immature angst, unrealistic and repetitive m/m (mostly penetrative) sex, predictable reconciliations and main characters who have little regard for the feelings of others.

1.5-2.0 stars.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the ARC.

This was such a fantastic read and I can't wait to see what story this author comes up with next. The storyline was perfect, the characters were fantastic and I enjoyed them a lot. Joel, Diego, Paulie and his aunt Ruth will have you smiling a lot. Paulie was definitely the life of this story and deserved every bit of happiness and love; he was definitely my favorite. I laughed a lot with his antics while reading this story. The sex scenes were definitely steamy and I remember one part being a bit much but I got over it quickly. This is the perfect readers looking for a great m/m romance read that will not disappoint. The characters in the story struggled with life problems and it was great seeing them grow and develop throughout the story. I was completely happy with the ending and I look forward to reading more books from this author. I really hope Diego gets his own story and we get more of the same characters I enjoyed in this story.