Becky Harling is a certified John Maxwell speaker, coach, and trainer; I don’t know what that means, but after reading this book, I am convinced she knows more about communication than most of us do. She and her husband Steve pastored churches for many years until he resigned to found Reach Beyond which he serves as president/CEO. They travel internationally speaking on spiritual growth, leadership, communication, and world missions.

She quotes Maxwell in the book, along with several people I do recognize-Maya Angelou, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Dale Carnegie, and Dee Brestin; and the Mayo Clinic and Psychology Today. I appreciate authors who realize they don’t have the definitive word on anything and seek out others’ viewpoints. Literally the first words in the book are from the Bible, Proverbs 1:5

Let the wise listen and add to their learning.

Becky’s advice can be summarized in four words-keep your mouth shut. Fortunately for readers, she says it in a much nicer way. Most of us listen to others so they will listen to us. She wants us to listen to people say things we may not want to hear or may not like or that makes us feel uncomfortable. She gives some fairly simple suggestions for how to listen effectively-
Don’t be a fixer.
Ask great questions.
Show empathy (which doesn’t mean sharing what happened to you.)
Validate feelings.
Use body language to show interest.
Don’t be distracted.

Sounds easy, right? If you think you’re doing well at listening, test yourself with the exercises she includes at the end of each chapter. First, read one or two suggested scriptures , ask yourself some pertinent questions, and then do real life practice. I think you will find it not so easy.

I think the most helpful chapter was the one titled Practical Principles for Listening in Conflict. One tip-listen to agree. She also discusses how to avoid conflict and three rules for dealing with a toxic person. (Can you identify?)

I expected Becky’s book to be a “10 quick and easy steps to perfect communication ” read. It was not. Becky mainly addresses interpersonal communication between family, friends, coworkers, neighbors. But with virtual communication-email, text, social media- these principles could change the often impersonal and contentious discourse that has almost become the norm.

I’m afraid Becky’s plan will not be popular with those who focus on personal rights and free speech, no matter how it might harm other people. But for those who want to create a new standard of listening to understand, affirm, and build relationships, this book will be a valuable resource.

Beckly includes a Notes section at the end which lists references for each chapter, both print and online sources.

I received a pre-publication digital copy of this book from NetGalley in exchange for a review.

Excellent, excellent book on how to communicate (or when to shut up) so that you can have great relationships with anyone! I liked how practical it is and how applicable it is for everyday day-to-day communications with everyone around you. I also enjoyed the author's stories, many of them personal and very relevant for illustrating her points.

My hubby listened to the audio version and had good things to say too. Highly recommended for anyone, young and old, and especially if you are a Christian!

I will be looking into buying a copy for my church library.

No relationship is perfect--but it can be better. The secret to stronger relationships isn't to become more charming or funny or to solve the world's problems or to just try harder. All you have to do is listen. It's that simple.

Yet our noisy culture hasn't equipped us to do this. With warmth and a touch of humor, personal coach and expert communicator Becky Harling shares simple, practical listening tools that will help you become a person others are drawn to and want to spend time with, as well as how to:
· be fully present
· offer understanding instead of advice
· ask great questions
· create a sense of safety and trust
· manage your body language
· and more!

When you learn to listen well, your marriage will grow stronger, your parenting will flourish, your friendships will thrive, and your influence at work will increase. You will be amazed at how one simple act can transform the hearts of others--as well as your own.

This book was very insightful and helpful. Readers of this book will be encouraged to be able to have meaniingful conversations and better relationships.

I suppose my expectations did not quite match the goal of this book. In many ways, what the author describes is - or perhaps should be - common sense. If you find that you have trouble listening, this might be a good book to pick up. If you're a good listener and looking to grow, this might not assist you on your journey.

I requested because a couple FB friends mentioned. I haven't finished it yet....

If you want people to talk to you more, this is a great book to read. And then to do. Listen.

Becky Harling offers multiple practical strategies to improve our listening skills. She includes a quiz that you ask someone else to answer about you, “How Would You Rank Me as a Listener?” Then as you read the book, you can pay closest attention to specific ways to improve your faulty listening skills.

Too often we are too distracted when others are talking or we think we can successfully multitask as we are listening. But we can’t.

“People feel more loved and valued if we are actively and attentively listening to them. So why don’t we take listening more seriously?”

Silencing our inner fixer, asking great questions, and listening to understand are three of the chapter topics that were particularly helpful to me.

Harling says there are at least seventy verses in the Bible that talk about listening in some form. It’s a holy activity. Jesus listenened to people. And if we want to be more like Jesus, we need to listen better, too.

Harling does a great job mixing spiritual principles with practical principles so that we can love better by listening better.

“Let someone be the star of their own show. Keep the focus on the person talking.”

If you're a chronic interrupter like I am, you'll glean wisdom from this book. The author gives practical tips for becoming a better listener, more empathetic friend, and overall more present person who prioritizes genuine relationships. Honestly, the book is short and I thought some of the advice given was "corny" and obvious, but there are definitely good takeaways. I appreciated how the author pointed to Scripture and emphasized learning to listen like Jesus. Overall, the book provides examples that leaders are learners as well as listeners, and it contains gems for anyone who wants better communication, depth, and understanding in their friendships, marriages, co-worker relationships, and chance encounters at the coffee shop.

Are you often distracted by social media when you should be listening? Do you sometimes look shocked when your child tries to tell you something important? Is it hard for you to handle conflict?
Then you need this book! As Maya Angelou said, 'The most called-upon prerequisite of a friend is an accessible ear'. Becky Harling has lots of excellent advice from a Christian perspective to help you improve your listening skills. She also fills the book with useful anecdotes, prayers and exercises.

Harling writes about the importance of reflective listening. This will help you to find hidden ulterior motives, such as jealousy or insecurity. She suggests asking yourself about your feelings and what you were looking for. This is especially useful if you are inclined to offer unsolicited advice. This is very easy to do!

I found the chapter on conflict the most helpful. Her advice includes finding a point of agreement, letting someone vent and asking for clarification. Sometimes, you have to deal with toxic people, however, and she suggests ways to do this. Unfortunately, I am not sure if this book is going to help readers who have to try to cope with deliberately obstructive people, and that is probably it's only flaw.

I received this free ebook through Bethany House in exchange for an honest review.

How to Listen So People Will Talk

Build Stronger Communication and Deeper Connections



by Becky Harling

Bethany House

Bethany House Publishers



Christian

Pub Date 01 Aug 2017

I am reviewing a copy of How to Listen So People Will Talk through Bethany House Publishers and Netgalley:

This book encourages us to develop a deeper relationship with friends, loved ones and Colleagues by taking the time to listen. We are also reminded that we have to be willing to receive honest feedback. We are encouraged first and foremost to listen to God, then to listen to others! The excersises in the book encourage us to strengthen our listening.

This book encourages us to spend fifteen minutes a day listening to God. Really listening.

We are encouraged to be quick to listen but slow to fix.

We are also encouraged to ask great questions, that will draw others out into a conversation. We are encouraged tooto offer empathy as well as to validate feelings. Validating feelings is not the same as validating actions.

We are reminded too the importance of staying away from toxic people. People who tend to only drag us down.

I give How to Listen so People Will Talk five out of five stars!

Happy Reading!

Great communication advice! A lot of self reflection, which is definitely important when dealing with talking and listening. A lot of examples of biblical references, but whether you are religious or not, very sound advice.

I received an advanced reader copy in exchange for a fair review.

I highly recommend this book. It has been a while since I have read a book containing so much insight and practical information. The topic is listening and the character traits and behaviors that make us good listeners are covered well.

The part of the book that had the greatest impact on me was the section explaining how humility is a requirement to being a good listener. Harling believes growth requires getting honest feedback. Humility is essential to listening well and getting the feedback we need.

The book includes lots of practical suggestions about life in general. If you want to appear more inviting to other people, smile more and walk with a bounce in your step. If you want to assess the emotional state of others, body language tips are given to increase our observation skills. She also has a great chapter on navigating conflict, including good suggestions for dealing with toxic people.

Harling includes many practical ideas. For example, she has questions to ask ourselves when we feel like we are compelled to give advice rather than compassionately listen. She has ideas for drawing out other people's stories. She has a great section on the necessity of being self aware and how to get there.

We Christians are admonished to be quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19). That is not an easy task in our egotistical society. Harling offers biblically based practical ideas for being good listeners. If you want people to feel heard and loved, I highly recommend this book to you. In addition of great content in the text, she has added questions at the end of each chapter to help us listen to God, our heart, and others. Mastering the art of being a good listener comes with a cost but the rewards are great.

Food for thought: “...it is impossible to be a good listener without developing a humble spirit.” (Loc 453/2726)

You can read an excerpt here.
http://bakerpublishinggroup.com/books/how-to-listen-so-people-will-talk/383381

My rating: 5/5 stars.

Becky Harling is a certified speaker, leadership coach, and trainer with The John Maxwell Team. She is the founder of Moms Unleashed and the author of several books. She and her husband live in Colorado Springs, Colorado. You can find out more at http://beckyharling.com/.

Bethany House, 176 pages.

I received a complimentary digital copy of this book from the publisher. My comments are an independent and honest review.

[Note:  This book was provided free of charge by Bethany House Publishing.  All thoughts and opinions are my own.]

Those who know me are quite aware of the fact that I frequently lament how awkward my communications are and how silence and difficulty in having people communicate with me has long marked my own interactions with other people [1].  Both my awkwardness and my awareness of it tend to lead me to read many books on communication [2].  There are likely many such people, and this book seems to assume that there is a wide audience of people who wishes to communicate better, something that seems like a pretty fair guess as far as I am concerned.  Many people are focused on talking so that people will listen, but this book offers the reverse advise, how to listen so that people will talk.  Indeed, this is very necessary advice, as there are many of us--myself included--that are rather insistent on sharing our own stories but not a lot of people that really get enjoyment in listening to what others have to say in the midst of busy days or when we were are tired or impatient, which is often quite often.  So, on a mere conceptual alone this book has a lot to offer to its readers.

In terms of its organization and structure, this short book (it was just over 100 pages in my e-book version) is divided into ten chapters.  These chapters deal with such matters as asking people how well we listen to them, raising our self-awareness of how we act in conversations, honoring the stories of others, silencing our inner fixer, asking great questions to draw the other person out, offering empathy and validating the feelings of others, making sure our nonverbal communication lines up with our verbal statements, seeking to understand during conflict, letting go of distractions so that we can be fully present during conversations, and being available for other people.  Each of the chapters includes, at its end, a series of exercises designed to help readers listen to God, listen to ourselves, and listen to others.  While nothing in this book would seem particularly earth-shattering in terms of insight, the practices discussed here certainly do cut against the grain of modern existence and require observation, consideration, and self-reflection to adopt.

Although most of this book seems somewhat self-explanatory, there is a great deal of insight to be found in it.  So long as someone is aware that they struggle with communication and longs to make it better, something can be done.  It is pretty likely that this book, with its encouragement to be more self-aware but also more concerned with other people, will do good in helping its readers to become better and more patient listeners and the sort of people others will feel safe communicating with.  There are so many people who feel burdened with stories that it would be good for there to be more people who are capable of easing that burden by being good listeners.  Of course, if one wishes for a better world it is worthwhile to help the world in that regard by becoming a good listener.  Someone who heeds the advice and suggestions and insight of this book will certainly be a far better listener, and that is a very good thing.  This book is a useful book dealing with a common but often unrecognized problem between people.

[2] See, for example:

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2015/06/07/awkward-dinner-conversations/

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017/05/20/so-awkward-together/

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016/08/10/the-ghost-of-conversations-past-present-and-future/

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2014/10/13/conversations-in-the-setting-of-the-future/

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017/07/10/the-louts-tale/

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016/10/31/that-awkward-moment-when-you-realize-that-the-common-connection-among-all-your-uncomfortable-silences-is-yourself/

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2012/11/16/embrace-the-awkwardness/

[2] See, for example:

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017/04/15/book-review-self-culture-in-reading-speaking-and-conversation/

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016/07/20/book-review-the-9-arts-of-spiritual-conversations/

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016/03/28/book-review-critical-conversations/

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2014/06/05/book-review-compelling-american-conversations/

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2014/06/03/book-review-compelling-conversations-questions-quotations-for-advanced-vietnamese-english-language-learners-volume-1/

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2014/05/30/book-review-compelling-conversations-questions-quotations-on-timeless-topics/

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2011/07/11/book-review-crucial-conversations/

Starts off relating to God and preying - not my thing, went on more about God so gave up. Not for me.