Thank you for the opportunity to read this book. Unfortunately I can’t get into it and have needed to DNF at 15%.

Couldn't really get past the first chapter as it just didn't draw me in or captivate me. Great ideas and the cover is decent but the execution left much to be desired.

There had been some buzz about this book, but unfortunately it was negative chatter. I had already requested an ARC of the book when I came across the vehement discussions on various sci-fi and book review sites, but I remained determined to keep an open mind and not let the negativity or the reasons for the negativity (I won’t bring that into the review) sway me.

Truthfully, this is not the worst self-published novel I’ve ever read. But it’s far from the best.

Zade Holder is a free-spirited performer. She comes from a long line of hucksters … well, tarot card readers and psychics … and she’s determined to set her own path. She travels to Las Vegas and uses her supernatural powers to join with a band of misfit performers putting on a multi-million dollar magic act and gets caught up in a love triangle.

If this description doesn’t quite sound cohesive or exciting to you, then get out now. It doesn’t get much better.

One of the key warning signs of a self-published novel (or a novel published by a very small press) is an introduction that explains what the author is writing. And when that introduction is rife with errors, the warning signs are out before we even begin reading.

Character is important for me. I need to connect with a character to care about his/her story. Initially I liked Zade but she became quite one-dimensional and I wasn’t quite sure why I was supposed to really care about what she was doing. What was most interesting to me was the potential of her supernatural powers but the story seemed to not know if it was about this or about Zade’s relationships. Can it be both? Of course! But instead of being about both, it was about neither. We never get enough of a story about any of the aspects of Zade other than that she isn’t sure of herself. Interesting, but not novel-worthy.

I’ve definitely read worse – this at least caught my interest. It just couldn’t hold it. If this hadn’t been a review copy I would have stopped reading after about three chapters.

Looking for a good book? Me, too.

I received a digital copy of this book from the publisher, through Netgalley, in exchange for an honest review.

I tell you that in all honesty I did not pick this book up to hate read it.
I fancied myself as a hero.
I was going to tell all the 'haters' not to bash a book they have not read because of the questionable practices put into play to push this book to the top of the best sellers list.
Questionable and not 'exactly' proven.
Don't misunderstand me, I don't argue that this should not have been removed from the list. I just wanted to see if the book was possibly a missed opportunity.
I wanted to say "Give it a chance!"
Instead I must say....
you were right.


I saw so many people raging about this book that I hopped on Netgalley and requested it tootsweet.
I don't believe I even received a notification that I had been approved? I missed my download date and had to request it from the library! My library doesn't even carry the book! I had to get an inter library loan!

After all this trial and tribulation I was happy to have the book in hand (such a pretty cover) and started reading right away.


I got 5 pages in and I hated Zade.
She is a carbon copy of the author. I understand this happens but, she seems to put a lot of work into making sure that her reader understands this.
She is told by everyone that she is beautiful but she does not consider herself ''hot girl skinny" because she does not have a thigh gap (among a few other reasons).

She also puts a lot of effort into making sure that we know when a joke is made and why it is funny.

What she does not put a lot of effort into is setting the stage. She used the lyrics from 'Wide Open Places' in the first chapter. Relying on someone else's work to put passion into your story is LAZY m'dear. (Later she also sings an Amie Mann song 'to' another character. The whole scene had my eyeballs rollin' out of my head.)

I was working on reaching the 100 page mark that I had set for myself before giving up and just barely made it.
I also did something I NEVER EVER DO and I skipped to the end and read the last chapter. I wanted to give it one last chance. One last hope that something good could come from slogging through the mess. Let me tell you. It isn't worth it.
Don't even.

I would never tell someone to stop doing something they love, but seriously.
Get some help, get an editor, stop with the commas, just stop, please, it drove me batty.

Do the work and maybe you will end up on the best seller list yet. But I don't think Zade is going to get you there.

Thank you NetGalley for the opportunity. No outside influences affected my review of this book.

How did this even get made? How? I mean, I get that standards with self-publishing are a wee bit low, but this...ugh. And then to have the gall to buy your way onto the NYT best seller list? To usurp the spot that is actually deserved by Angie Thomas? Ugh. Nope. Nope. Nope.

I stopped reading in chapter one because the writing was really bad and cliched.

I read a blog making fun of this novel before starting to read this novel and the blog was way more entertaining.

I'm sorry, I feel like this book could have done with a lot more editing. It leans too heavily on tired tropes, and the writing itself reads very beginner.

Didn’t get on with this I’m afraid. Far too many asides and info dumps to keep a steady pace.

Admittedly, I got this book after the whole NY Times fiasco and wanted to make up my own mind. I really wish I hadn't. I didn't finish the first chapter as the writing is so clunky I just couldn't get into it.

ade is a Mary Sue, almost to a textbook definition. From Fanlore, a Mary Sue is as follows:
Unusual hair or eye color, general attractiveness Multi-hue colored hair with perfect bangs, every guy finds her attractive, only she finds herself “cute” so CHECK
Exceptional abilities, even in a “verse” such as Star Trek where exceptional people are the norm Well, she has magick that has essentially no rules or specialties other than “it does what she wants,” and she’s the best Illusionist ever so CHECK
An exotic pet No pet, I will admit.
Being a confidante of one or more main characters Hmm. Everyone loves her, Charles confides in her, Mac confides in her, Riley confuses in her….Check!
A detailed description of the character There is an entire 0 Chapter that is a description of her….Check!
Here’s a quote from when Mac stared at Zade while she was getting measured:
Mac could see Zade standing in nothing but her lace underwear and bra as Lil pulled a measuring tape around her narrow waist. Both pieces were black and nude with lace trim and the panties, which were high-waisted cut, framed Zade’s body nicely and showed off her curves and small waist. Lil made a note in her pad of the measurement and moved down to Zade’s hips. Under the bright lights, Zade’s skin looked porcelain white. She was beautiful. She wasn’t supermodel hot but there was something about her that just made her stand out. Mac couldn’t quite put his finger on it but there was something there.
Zade is also a vindictive and mean Main Character, who never has a character arc and uses her magic to punish people she feels have wronged her.
The biker flipped upside down as if he’d hit a massive pothole that came out of nowhere, or at least to anyone else it probably looked like that. He landed pretty hard on his back, and made a few loud sounds of shrieking pain as the bike crashed into a bench, sending a few pieces in different places. I was fairly certain he wasn’t permanently injured, but he also wasn’t going to be riding anymore today; that’s for sure.
This is because he hit her on accident and didn’t say sorry. Seriously.
Can we stop books where all women who aren’t the main character are competition, bitchy stuck up princesses, or obsessive and “too obnoxious?”
Or they are too vapid and only talk about clothes.
This book changes point of views frequently, and it’s made visible by italics. However, you’re going to have the entire time she’s in a coma be told from her perspective….of the memories she took from other people…..rather than from THEIR POV?
First of all, with it from her POV, there is no tension of will she survive. We know she’s alive.
Which really helps as the entire time she’s in a coma, it’s about how her parents met. Which is apparently SUPER IMPORTANT TO HOW TO SAVE HER LIFE. For…..reasons.
It’s confusing as fuck because of the tenses changes.
The love triangle is really Mac — Zade — We-need-someone-who-is-opposite-Mac. But Opposite-Mac (aka Jackson) might still be her love interest overall you know. He likes tarot! He likes music! There is really no depth or spark to either relationship other than “we both kind of like things!” Also no sex, which might have made this book better. Or at least solidify it as a romance novel.
I’ve mentioned it with another book this year, but man can we stop with the constant “I gave him a look that said ____.” “His look clearly said [insert paragraphs of what he could have said but the look cannot get this in-depth people.]”
I stared back at him with the best “Go ahead, I’m nice. Ask me.” look I had.
Randomly, Carrot Top and Wayne Newton show up. They know who Zade is, she talks to them like they are the oldest of friends. Yet there is no mention of ever meeting them, there is no mention of them again, there is no context as to why this was needed or necessary.
The beginning of this book makes it seem like the important thing of this book is Zade finding a “normal life,” by being in a Vegas show. Yet there is no mention of the first time she performs for an audience; she’s just automatically famous. In fact, for about half the book I was convinced they were still practicing for her first show. This changed with the mention of her creating a new illusion with Charles.
You cannot convince me that the author isn’t in love with someone in Plain White Ts and this is a fan fiction of her eventually ending up with the lead singer.
Are there rules of magic? I don’t know. Can ….someone with magic …..marry a …..mortal? It’s practically a law they can’t. So who makes these laws? Who enforces them?
This book needs some serious editing. There is randomly a mention of a camping trip that Zade and Mac fight about because Zade planned the trip but can’t go. Two lines later, the camping trip is over and she’s making dinner for him as he’s back in town. Did she do nothing? No. Because Mac gets mad about her going to dinner and a show with Charles. So like, why? It’s like the author wants to put clues and hints (i.e. Zade is spending time with her father) but doesn’t know how to actually incorporate them.

Lani, you had a good idea. An illusionist who can do real magic? Sure why not! You might have had a good rough draft. But you needed someone to tell you to pick a novel type, and who would tell you no and what to edit.

I don’t fault the people who like this book, just like I don’t fault those who like the other books I’ve one-starred this year. But I also don’t recommend this book.

Finally, you weren’t at Book Con. if you’re all about selling on the convention trail, that should have been a major stop for you. So please, let’s just own up that you messed up on the whole trying to make it seem like you’re a best seller. I guess bad publicity is still good publicity though.

HANDBOOK FOR MORTALS by Lani Sarem has controversy swirling around it and perhaps that is why I wanted to give this train wreck a shot. The story of Zade, a young woman with true magical talent that begins working in a Vegas magic show, has some potential for an interesting plot, but unfortunately fails pretty flat in execution. Zade is written kind of like an empty-headed valley girl, who only really thinks about male attention and looking attractive. Without the main character being likable, it's hard as the reader to have an interest in what happens to her. The only character, although still rather stock and stereotypical, is the head crew member, Mac. He's got some grit and texture about him, but the book only really touches the surface of who he really is. Another strike against the book are the grammatical and spelling errors; errors that in a published book are hard to ignore and cheaper the quality of it.
I'm not saying that with a little more editing and proofreading that HANDBOOK FOR MORTALS would become a quality book, but I think it could have been more than it is.

Sorry, could not finish this book. It sounded like one I'd enjoy but - it wasn't, its rare for me to really dislike a novel but this was just too wrong for me.

Edit: I requested this netgalley arc days before I found out about all of this controversy and I went into this UNBIASED. Honestly, even with all the dram, I had hoped it may be a good book. I recieved an arc from netgalley to read for free for a review and the rest of it was absolutely awful as well. But as I would like to forget this entire book, I refuse to write upon the rest of it. I forced myself through it and it made me so angry. Thank you Lani Sarem for thinking it is okay to publish a crappy, not-edited, first draft and cheating the system just so you could get the word out for the movie deal of this book that will star YOU. I lost absolutely all respect for this book and you as an author and actress, not because you cheated the system, but because you had no respect for this book. People work YEARS at a novel and you made it seem like nothing mattered as long as you had a word count.

Zero stars?

I'm pretty much crying because just "Chapter 0" was absolutely painful to get through.

In the beginning is a long rant about how she wishes she was normal and that she was different, but that people envy her.

This book feels like a book I wrote when I started to write when I was 11, where I would describe every little thing and it would just drag on and make people want to cry for having to read it.

"...the wind that blew swiftly through my blonde hair. It also spun about the chunky pieces on the lower half of my long hair, which I had dyed to be a multitude of fun colors. Today they were pink, purple, blue, and a turquoise green, but I have a habit of changing the colors frequently. My perfectly cut bangs stayed mostly unaffected by the wind except for a few squirrelly pieces"

Why you had to make an entire paragraph about your hair when you could have said something like, "The bright colors hidden underneath the blonde curls blew swiftly in the wind reminded me of that particular July morning." (Mine may sound awful as well, but you didn't give me much to work with.)

When all you are doing is writing for a word count, instead of a story, you start to make every paragraph just drag into oblivion.

Then it goes on to describing a storm in three paragraphs, practically repeating itself over and over again.

"I'd lived in that one-horse southern town my whole life, practically a quarter of a century." See? Word count instead of good writing. Then, "My ancestors basically established the little town."

It took 11 paragraphs to get her out of describing everything in the past to describing everything in the future - including her "well-worn and once brightly colored (but now badly faded with dirt spackle) coverse high-top sneakers." and her jeans and her top. Then her house. and fence.

"I rarely think this but I wish a photographer had taken my picture at that moment as the outfit and the background and I may have produced a cool-looking photo." For the love of god.

Then she goes on to say "I pushed my long, many-hued hair," like we have forgotten the awful description of it before and to remind us how cool her hair is.

Then she goes on to describe herself in her reflection by saying she is called beautiful, but doesn't see it. She is slender, but not "hot-girl skinny" She has long toned legs, but her thighs are too large and she has *gasp* no thigh gap. Her arms are flabby, but thank god for her hourglass figure. She thinks she has a big butt, but maybe the people in town are just being nice.

Okay, I stopped reading because I just wanted to see when she finally had some dialogue. I finally got to a part where the MC FINALLY TALKED. It took 15 long, miserable, painfully written paragraphs of horrible descriptions to finally get to her talking to her mom.

And her first line? "Mom, what would like me to do? Stay here and read cards with you for the rest of my life?" The entire beginning of the book described everything BUT the card readings or her relationship with her mother, or how she apparently doesn't want to do it for the rest of her life, but we just had to learn about 15 paragraphs about what she looks like and how a thunderstorm feels like. okayyyyy.

In my opinion, do not read. Don't even read the preview if you are lucky enough. This book is not worthy of your time being wasted. There was no editing and I can't believe someone published this when there are some incredible books out there in a pile, waiting for their chance to be read and published.

I received this ebook through the publisher via Netgalley. As a published author myself, I am well aware of the way that author Lani Sarem and her team manipulated the New York Times list. I also know that the Goodreads ratings for the book consist of mostly one-star ratings due to the book's reputation and the sample available on Amazon.

I don't rate or review any book unless I finish it. I wanted to judge <i>Handbook</i> with as much fairness as I could, even knowing its history, so I endeavored to read the entire thing. I finished it.

If this had been any other book, I would have declared it Did Not Finish (DNF) in the first few pages.

<i>Handbook</i> reminds me of my first novel efforts, the ones I trunked and will forever more keep trunked. Because of that, I sympathize with the author to a degree. I wish she had had other experienced authors around her to offer honest feedback--or maybe she did, and she ignored their feedback to stay true to her vision. I did that with my first novel attempts, too.

The book reads like a non-reader's mistaken assumptions of what YA is, though this book is not YA (the heroine is about twenty-five). For a proclaimed fantasy book, magic is barely present (and very little of it actually done by the heroine), and doesn't make sense. It's... kind of like a romance, but with no chemistry. The entire middle of the book consists of dating scenes interspersed with clothes shopping.

The first few pages show an ignorance of novels and how they are formatted at a basic level, as it actually has a foreword introducing the author. An intro like this is included for anthologies or collections, not for a debut book. I don't know who the author is and her movie fandom creds aren't relevant. The book needs to sell itself.

As <i>Handbook</i> begins at chapter 0, we meet Zade as she argues with her mother and departs Tennessee for her new job in Las Vegas. The narrative is overwritten--again, a common flaw in early novels efforts and rough drafts, period--and the paragraphs are dense, with the dialogue often buried. Zade's actions here are the only time in the book that she shows agency.

Agency means the character instigates the plot. She/he makes the decisions and carries the book, rather than doing what author-god decrees. Agency within a plot is a tricky thing to master; honestly, my agent and editor still ding me on this during revision stages.

But this point of criticism leads to another issue: there is no plot in <i>Handbook</i>. She goes to Vegas and joins an illusionist's show, and starts going on a lot of dates with Mac and Jackson, though all men find her to be incredibly hot and almost all women loathe her. This is explained at one point as a side effect of Zade's immense magical power. At one point, some other magic user attacks her, and makes an odd cameo appearance later; the ending implies a second book is supposed to explain this person, but it has zero bearing on anything in this book.

This book is about dating. And shopping. But for a book that tries to play up the love triangle angle, ala <i>Twilight</i>, there is no triangle. Mac has all of the emphasis and character development--actually, he's the only character who has an arc and develops in any way, and he's the only one who acts at the climax. He has many of his own scenes shown in italics (though the use of italics is inconsistent and confusing, as some other characters' POVs are seen through it sometimes). The other character, Jackson, is a musician and good-looking, and has the perk of actually believing in the abilities of tarot readings (one of Zade's skills), but it's pretty clear he has no chance with Zade.

As for the romantic dialogue, it's... George Lucas-esque. That goes back to that matter of agency. As all men love and want Zade, she doesn't need to make any effort to win over Mac or Jackson.

Zade had potential to be an interesting character. The book only expresses vague ideas of what her magic is actually like and there is zero growth in her abilities--the kind of thing an actual fantasy book needs. Zade is perfect in every way, a cliché Mary Sue (again, a new author trait). Everyone thinks she's hot. Compliments on her hair are a regular theme (it reads like a Sally Beauty Supply ad at a few points, quite literally). She can also play guitar and sing, and she loves "crotch rockets" just like Mac. And as the ending of the book shows, she is morally bankrupt.

I suppose I should get to the ending.

Most books use an ending to show how the hero/heroine has grown throughout the book. It's an opportunity for a grand show of powers, a confrontation with a villain, etc. But this book has no character growth, and while it has a few unpleasant people, there is no villain.

Instead, Zade tries to pull off a grand illusion during the Vegas show that utilizes "dangerous magic." She uses Mac as her anchor for this magic, but he's mad at her, so he steps outside to smoke. (Yes, there are several points like this that make no sense--he could step out for a phone call, or be sick, or go on vacation, etc). Cue her magic going array. The show ends, and she goes off stage, falls unconscious, and starts bleeding everywhere. At the hospital, the doctor says Zade is internally bleeding and will quickly die.

Zade is rushed back to Tennessee to her mother's advanced magical care, where, as Zade is bleeding to death, her estranged parents reunite and casually tell Mac the story of how they met. There is zero tension throughout this long section. Zade's loves ones are literally at the kitchen table, drinking tea, and reminiscing about the late 1970s as Zade bleeds out in the next room.

How do we know this? That goes to the morally bankrupt part: Zade has ripped memories of all these events from her parents, Mac, and everyone who witnessed her collapse in Vegas. The very end of the book has some vague mention of her getting permission from those closest to her, but she obviously couldn't get this from everyone, as her magical skills are a big secret.

So yeah. She thieved memories from almost everyone she knows, and also rifled through her parents thoughts when they were young and horny, which has another level of violation and squick. There is absolutely no moral consideration of these actions.

Also note that Zade falls unconscious at 67% through the ebook. She wakes up at 91%. The climax, such as it is, consists of Mac plunging a dagger-that's-really-like-an-EpiPen (that's how the book explains it) into her heart.

She recovers, returns to Vegas where everyone greets her with a surprise party (the proper welcome for someone who nearly died), and her estranged parents remarry. The book ends with the promise (threat?) of a sequel to come that will explain the weird magical girl who tried to blast Zade at the mall.

I wanted <i>Handbook</i> to be worthwhile of the fuss and effort that went into getting it on the NYT list. It's not.

I finally understand what people mean when they complain that a book has no plot. Once or twice in the run of this book, a plot threatens to cross the horizon, but the protagonist studiously lowers her head and returns her focus to flirting with as many men as possible. The book is more than two-thirds complete before anything of note happens to disrupt the monotony of timey-wimey love triangle vignettes with a cataclysm. I call it a cataclysm rather than a climax because it would be difficult to organize the events of this book into a typical plot structure. There simply isn't the capacity for it.

That problem is structural, but it's far from the only issue. Dialogue appears on the page that I cannot imagine a real person saying; characters behave erratically and are often told, not shown, to have virtues and flaws; entire pages are spent name-dropping celebrities, explaining pop culture references, describing the protagonist's haircut, or listing high-end cosmetic brands. Even when in full exposition mode-- which was nearly constant-- the narrative often made no literal sense, as in this case:

"I'd been called things I won't repeat here but I'm sure you know what I am talking about."

I most assuredly did not know what she was talking about. She'd already used multiple times a racial slur for the Romani, so I'm hard-pressed to think what could be so offensive she could not commit it to print.

But by all means, tell me who Joffrey Baratheon is again.