Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for sending me a digital ARC of “Renegades” by Marissa Meyer. This book is phenomenal! I have pre-ordered a copy for myself and a second copy for the library. Marissa Meyer has such a way with character development. Immediately I felt connected to Nova and was interested in her thought process. The story line is perfect for the current superhero craze. Teens and adults alike will enjoy this new book by Marissa Meyer.

I've just started diving into Marissa Meyer's catalogue and I was so excited to get a pre-release of Renegades. I love superhero origin stories, dystopias, and pretty covers, and Renegades has all three wrapped in nearly 600 pages of badass-ery. (PS, don't let the length daunt you, you're going to breeze through it too because the world is so engaging and the characters are awesome.)

Let's dive in, shall we?

Our world is one where people with X-Men-like abilities, aka prodigies, historically were forced to keep their powers a secret and live underground. Enter Ace Anarchy, who rose to be a prominent figure, fighting for acceptance of prodigies. In response, several "villain" gangs formed, leading to the formation of OG "hero" organization, the Renegades, who overthrew Ace and ushered in the age of the Renegades.  Nova Artino is our main gal. Nova is determined to bring down the Renegades after her family was brutally murdered by a villain gang and the Renegades failed to intervene. She also happens to be the niece of one Ace Anarchy.

So the main plot involves Nova, aka Nightmare, infiltrating the Renegades to bring them down from the inside. Before the "I've heard this story" thoughts start infiltrating your mind and you completely cross this off...yes, you've probably heard/seen this storyline several times. I know I have...and I didn't care at all. Our other narrator is Adrian, the adopted son of Captain Chromium and the Dread Warden, two of the original council Renegade members. He has the unique ability to draw anything and bring it to life. He's also hiding some other secrets...dun dun dun

The different array of powers also super impressed me. I feel like we always get the same teleportation, telekinesis, metal manipulation, etc. But there were many abilities in Renegades that I've never encountered, i.e. Honey Bee's swarm of (you guessed it) bees and Monarch's butterflies.

And because I'm a sucker for teeny bopper romances, there wasn't as much progress with the main pairing that I would've liked, but the pining and inner turmoil was satisfying for a first novel. I can't wait to see where the story takes off from here.

4.5 / 5 stars (or Novas if you will...ok, I'll stop)

Thank you Feiwel & Friends for my copy! Renegades is available now.

At the opening of this story, an introduction, reminiscent of the opening of the first Star Wars movie (you can almost see it scroll by), tells us that for hundreds of years, prodigies - people with unusual powers - were feared, oppressed, hunted down, and killed. Then a group of prodigies led by the legendary Ace Anarchy banded together and took down the people and institutions dedicated to their destruction. After that, anarchy indeed prevailed, and criminal gangs arose to terrorize the population. Another group of prodigies calling themselves the Renegades then got together to “save” the people by destroying the gangs as well as the Anarchists. The conflict culminated ten years before the start of this story in the Battle for Gatlon City. Since then, the Renegades have run the city through their ruling Council, which consists of the five original Renegades. The remaining Anarchists went underground.

Among the small group of surviving Anarchists is the prodigy Nova Artino, now 16. As a child, her father always assured her that the Renegades promised to save them if they were in trouble. But her whole family except for her was killed by a gang, and the Renegades never showed up. Nova was only saved by fortuitously disabling the attacker thanks to her superpower that could put people to sleep. She was still standing over the gang member in shock when her uncle, Ace Anarchy himself, came to save her. He took her in with the surviving Anarchists. Then she she lost her uncle in the Battle of Gatlon.

Nova blames the Renegades for all of it, and wants only to avenge Ace and destroy the Renegades.

She has a further agenda: she believes the Council is failing the people. People have come to rely on the prodigies to do everything instead of taking responsibility for doing it themselves. This made the people increasingly weaker: apathetic and indifferent. She believed that heroism, which now meant having a super skill, should be more about what you did with your life than what superpower you had. “It was about who you saved when they needed saving.” But these philosophical aspects of her motivation are inspired more by Nova’s hatred of the Council for failing her family, than by any well-thought-out ideological disposition.

Lately Nova has been “coming out” as the Anarchist “Nightmare.” As the story begins, at the yearly “Renegade Parade,” she and her fellow anarchists plan to take out the Council. They are thwarted in part by Nova’s own reluctance to kill, as well as the appearance of a new powerful prodigy on the Renegade side calling himself “The Sentinel.” After this failure, the Anarchists decide that their only hope is for Nova, still unknown, to infiltrate the Renegades, so the Anarchists can figure out how to defeat them.

Nova manages to earn a place in the Renegades as “Nova McLain” and is accepted into the crew of Adrian Everhart, the adopted son of two of the Council, Hugh and Simon. Adrian’s mother had been killed during the Battle for Gatlon. Of course Adrian is handsome and kind and generous, which upsets all of Nova’s preconceptions. She also gets to like the rest of the crew, who are just teens like her, rather than the evil adversaries she had believed they were.

As Nova gets more enmeshed with the Renegades, she is increasingly conflicted. Or is she? A big twist in the ending suggests there is more to her story than we know.

Discussion: Much of the “mysteries” and “twists” in the plot are painfully obvious. Moreover, some of the cliched comic-book dialogue and characterizations are less nuanced than in comic books themselves. Some of this is humorous in comic-book style tradition. For example, Adrian and Nova don’t recognize each other’s alter egos, even though there isn’t much more than a costume separating their everyday selves from their prodigy identities. One thinks of years of seeing everyone fooled by Clark Kent’s glasses. And although Nova has some impressive skills with inventing helpful gadgetry, she is much less insightful than any of Mayer’s previous heroines, as well as less open to new information to challenge her prior beliefs about what might or might not be true.

Evaluation: I felt like the author couldn’t decide if she wanted to write a comic book or a more fleshed-out young adult coming-of-age story, especially at the beginning of the book. She seemed to find a more consistent rhythm as the story progressed. I look forward to seeing what happens next, but not as much as with her previous books.

Meyer is best known for her lunar Chronicles series, which I remember to be such a delightful binge read during the holidays. When I heard she has a new sci-fi series/duology coming out? Of course I jumped on the chance to read it!

What I found so irritatingly unnecessary is the developing romance, which was like the -we both have false identities-but we’re actually -enemies to lovers-. It's so annoying that Nova and Adrian can’t just stay enemies as they actually are or platonic friends. This type of romance is over done, and there is no chemistry because I kept on screaming “stop it Adrian!”“stop it Nova!”and frustration. This is an easy/lazy method of writing to create some sort of messiness or tention and it ended up falling flat on its face. Also they had four people on the team and the author paired them up male female and male female,(ugh heteronormativity)

There is one thing that I can give high praise is on the aspects of diversity. Our main character Adrian is described to have brown skin and he was adopted at a young age by his two dads. Our other main character Nova is Italian Filipina briefly mentions about her being biracial There is a character called there if you just character who has a disability and has to use a cane.

I was really hoping that we can have some side characters fleshed out, ones that the readers could really get invested in. Here is the problem, I connected to 0 of them. A big part of the problem was that the narrative was so focused on Nova and Adrian’s backstory and current plot points. There are two POVs, and they were our protagonists, so I feel like that's the reason why. I wanted to feel like the side characters were my best friends, but that just didn't end up happening for me.

The most boring part of this book was the Throne of Glass-esque competition where gifted people audition and compete to become a Renegade. It’s your typical what you could envision because it's been done time and time again in fantasy and sci-fi way. The most yawn worthy part of the book, because this was where I almost DNFed this.

Another thing that irked me to no end was the fact that the biggest super villain’s name was Ace. I’m asexual, and we’re portrayed as cold heartless monsters and the author choosing this name just rubbed me the wrong way.

Since I wasn’t this in physical form I actually didn't realise that it was the 500 pages long. Which wow isn't that way too long for a weak introduction where nothing really happened, was full of superhero villain cliches and over used tropes? No thanks!

**Thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for providing me a copy in exchange for my honest review. All opinions are my own**

Renegades by Marissa Meyer I received thru Net Galley for an honest review. Marissa Meyer truly has a wondrous gift of writing. I first discovered Marissa thru her Lunar Chronicles and one I loved. Renegades is told thru two points of view, Nova and Adrian. Nova is part of the Anarchists (or villains) who seeks vengeance for the death of those closet to her and of broken promises by those who vowed to keep people safe. Nova, or known as Nightmare after not being able to follow thru with her comrades mission, she seeks a new way to foil the syndicate of prodigies, (humans who extraordinary powers,or abilities) or Renegades. Adrian a member of the Renegades is searching for Nightmare for she tried to harm who is closet to him. Not to mention part of the Anarchist, which is against the law. He truly believes that the Council has the cities, Gatlon, best intentions in mind and doesn't question their motives. However, as the story unfolds, is the Council actually more like the Anarchist? I truly enjoyed the first book of the Renegades series. I really loved Nova's complex personality. I could feel how she is torn between what she is suppose to do, to what she has to do. The more she finds out more about the Council, do they, the Council truly have the citizens of Gatlon City best interests at heart? Loved Marissa's take on superheroes, villains, and the people who come and go in their life. A few surprises along the way, loved the action, and wonder how it will all play out. Cannot wait for the next Renegades book.

This was SO fun! I went into it not knowing anything about the story itself, and I was so pleasantly surprised. Think of it as a superhero mashup told from opposing side POVs in a totally unique way. I was worried that with the overcrowded superhero media these days, the constant similar retellings and such, that this would be just like any of those stories, or rather, origin stories.

It wasn't. This was totally fun and unique, while still throwing nods at other stories.

Before I say anything else, a big thank you to the publishers for sending me an ARC in exchange for an honest review!

Basically, this is a world where prodigies (people with special abilities) used to be oppressed, but a man named Ace Anarchy rose up and fought for their freedom & acceptance. Except, the age of Ace turned into a villainous era, where villain gangs broke out and terrorized the citizens. So in turn, "good" heroes rose up to fight them, called the 'Renegades'. They overthrew the Anarchists and took control.

So you here you have it - the Anarchists (those who survived living underground) and the Renegades.

"One cannot be brave who has no fear."


I don't want to spoil much, but we open up into what DOES look like a typical superhero origin story. We witness Nova's family and how they meet their end, in which young Nova, who idolized the Renegades, realizes they never came to help her family after promising to protect them. But guess who did? Uncle Ace.

Now, Nova lives with the Anarchists underground. Her alias is the 'Nightmare', and she's able to put people to sleep with a single touch. While carrying out a plan to take out the Council (the original leaders of the Renegade), Nova is stopped by a boy who calls himself the 'Sentinel'. After a heated battle between the two, Nova barely escapes him, and wonders who the heck he is, because she's never seen him or heard of him from the Renegades.

A lone hero? Perhaps.

Enter Adrian (aka smol).

Adrian is the son of an original Renegade, his mother, who was murdered when he was young. Now, he lives with his adopted dads - the two heads of the Council (aka the most fawned over Renegades). They adopted him (and here I cry because it's so sweet) and he grew up within the Renegade headquarters. He's brilliant and has a super cool ability which I won't spoil. But he has a secret that no one in the Renegades knows about.

He's the Sentinal.

And when he fought the 'Nightmare' (he has no idea who she is underneath her mask), she utters a phrase that tells him she might know who his mother's murderer is. So Adrian sets out to find her, while Nova sets plots in place to take out the Renegades for good. I'm going to stop there and leave the rest of the book as a surprise. Trust me, just dive in!

As I mentioned before, this is like a mashup of all your favorite superhero movies, but at the same time, the story is totally unique and so are the characters. I didn't feel like I was reading another origin story or watching a movie I've seen a thousand times. This was SO fun, totally twisty, and super fast paced and visual. Meyer is so insanely creative - we saw that in her Lunar Chronicles series that I loved - and I would argue that this series might even be stronger (though no one can replace Thorne.) All the prodigies have crazy cool powers - ones that I would have NEVER thought of. The whole plot is brilliant.

My only complaint is that we don't get resolution for the one thing I craved, though it will certainly be in the sequel(s). I neeeeeded to see how that played out. Oh well, whatever. I'm hooked, Marissa. You got me.

Secret Identities. Extraordinary Powers. She wants vengeance. He wants justice.

I was delighted to be gifted an advance copy of Renegades by the publisher through Netgalley. I'm a huge fan of Marissa Meyer's Lunar Chronicles series, so I had been looking forward to reading this book since I first heard about it, and Renegades was not a disappointment. I loved this book! I especially liked the themes of self-reliance and personal liberty that are sprinkled throughout the book from the point of view of Nova. Sure she is one if the villains, but it isn't exactly that simple. There's good and bad on both sides. I also really liked the discussions of what makes a hero, and how anyone can be one, because super powers do not make a person a hero, what's in one's heart and what one decides to do makes a person a hero.

This was similar to Steelheart by Brandon Sanderson, so if you liked that series you will probably like this one. I personally liked this book more. I'm looking forward to reading the next book in the series.

I am a huge fun of Marissa Meyer's "Lunar Chronicles" series, so I was very excited to get an advanced copy of this book, the first in a new series, from Netgalley. I did not enjoy it as much as the "Lunar Chronicles" books, but it was better than her standalone book "Heartless." This book is about superheroes and villains with powers, alternating perspectives between Nova, whose family was killed when she was little, and then was taken in by her uncle, and raised by a small band of supervillains, the Anarchists; and Aiden, the son of a dead superhero and then adopted by two other superheroes who are part of the ruling council of the titular Renegades. Now a teenager, Nova eventually decides to infiltrate the Renegades, who she sees as the bad guys. The start of the book was very slow and kind of confusing with lots of names and information being thrown around, but things really started picking up around halfway when both Nova and Aiden start considering who is good and bad and that maybe things aren't so black and white. The book feels a little derivative of some of the other superhero stuff out there in the world, especially X-Men, and was definitely longer than it needed to be, but I did really enjoy the second half and will definitely read the sequel when it comes out. 3.5 stars.

DNF @ 16%

This book just wasn't for me. It is VERY long and I just feel like it's bringing nothing special to the table. I've also never really been a fan of superheroes, so maybe this book and me were never meant to be.

(4.5 stars)

I received an early copy from Macmillan in exchange for this honest review.

This is one of my most anticipated releases of 2017 and I was so excited to find out that I would have a place in the blog tour! My favorite thing was probably the fact that this book is LONG! I love my long books, you guys.

Marissa’s new novel starts out with a young Nova. She is fully aware of her power - putting people to sleep with a single touch. When she helps put her baby sister to sleep, she takes a nap herself. She wakes up to the sounds of her parents being shot and, when she goes to hide, her little sister ends up getting shot. Only person saves her from death: her uncle AKA Ace Anarchy.
Ten years later, Nova is now an Anarchist going under the alias Nightmare. She is quick, good with weapons, and doesn’t take any shit from anyone. She absolutely hates the Renegades, considering they never came to save her family. Her only intent in life right now is to eliminate every single Renegade.
To do that, she must infiltrate the Renegades as a poser herself.

I really enjoyed Nova’s character. She is a total bad-ass and I know I tend to say that a lot about some female characters. For real though, Marissa crafted Nova into this woman that doesn’t fall in love automatically in the first novel of a series. Yes, there is some spark between her and another Renegade. However, Marissa did the smart thing and didn’t make it all about the “romance”. She made this book all about Nova and it’s not just centered on revenge. Nova, while posing as a Renegade prodigy, continuously struggles with what she thought she knew about these superheroes while also learning things that seem to cause her mind about them to split. She struggles with her identity when it comes to being a villain and being a superhero. There are moments in this novel where she saves people and it kind of throws her off balance. By the end of the novel, she’s clearly in that same split. However, all she has known in her life is how to be a villain and the need for revenge regarding the death of her family. It’ll definitely be interesting to see how her story progresses in the next novel, especially when a MAJOR SECRET is revealed that SHE KNEW ABOUT THIS WHOLE TIME! (if I’m correct because I gathered no sense of surprise from Nova when this SECRET was revealed).
So, Adrian is that Renegade that Nova has a spark with. He is the adoptive son of Captain Chromium and Dread Nation, both male superheroes. Points for rep! His mother was killed by a villain and Adrian has always wanted to find out the truth. Who killed her? It especially gets complicated when Nightmare quotes a line to him that was found on a card next to his mother’s body. Because of this, he is dead set on finding Nightmare, uncovering her secrets, and potentially killing her. He tries to do this while acting as his own alias, The Sentinel. He can create different powers with tattoos on his body while also making his drawings come to life. Nobody knows that he is The Sentinel, so he is forced to keep his identity a secret until he finds Nightmare. It doesn't help when the Renegades continuously drag The Sentinel for barging into crime scenes with the “R” on his chest. Adrian clearly wants to be a Renegade and this known fact is what shapes his character. He is talented with his marker, but he wants to be more. He wants to be a superhero like his fathers and like his mother was. However, because of his encounter with Nightmare, he is forced (by himself) to hide his secret for a longer period of time until he can prove himself. He thinks, by capturing Nightmare, it would be the perfect opportunity to reveal himself.
Surprisingly, considering Nova hides her secret and Adrian hides his, it’s still a secret...kind of. There are little tiny bits and pieces where Adrian gets a whiff of Nova’s trail and vice versa with Nova on Adrian’s trail. However, we might definitely have to wait for that major blow up to be revealed in the second book.
Marissa definitely pieced this story together perfectly. I think it can be difficult to create such a long story and not have it drag. However, she gave us so much insight into Nova’s and Adrian’s thought process that it helps the reader to connect and learn and grow with the character. I hope she will keep that style in the second book because, obviously, there is a lot more growth to go with these characters. I’m eager to see where she takes them.
Going on that note, I want to mention that there are more details than dialogue. I know some people might find this as dragging the story. But like I said above, Marissa fit everything together perfectly. I was never bored, never disinterested. It gave me a stronger connection with the story, the characters and what was going on. It gave me a clear understanding that, though the city sees the Renegades as idols, there is something else underlying in the headquarters and in their lives than the citizens know about. There are secrets and struggles and feuds. I do hope that Marissa expands on that, as well.

Overall, this story was definitely everything I expected and wanted it to be. Marissa has never disappointed me before and she still hasn’t to this day.
Who know the life of a superhero could be so complicated?

Superheroes, special abilities, vengeance, they are all here! Wonderful start to a series, but I felt this book was a bit too long and quite descriptive, but maybe this is needed to set up the series. I am still anticipating the next part of the series.

A new book by the author of the Cinder series and boy does it live up to the hype. I loved it just as much as Cinder. It is beautifully written and keeps you guessing. Something that is new and not like everything else that is saturating the market. New kind of superhero book.

With a vague synopsis that didn't give me must aside from Sky High (an old Disney channel original movie) vibes, I didn't know quite what I was in for when I started reading Renegades, but I put my faith in Marissa Meyer's very capable hands, and I shall never doubt her skills again.
I can't say too much about the plot since this is an ARC review and I don't want to spoil anything, but it was very well written, action packed, and unpredictable. It's one of those stories thats begins in the middle of the action--literally starting in an assassination attempt--and I think it works very well for Renegades because it sets the pace for the rest of the story. The first few chapters read slightly slower than the rest of the book, but from the moment Nova decides that she is going to act as a double agent for the Anarchists by entering the trials to become a Renegade, I found myself sucked in and unable to put it down, constantly being hit with twists and turns as soon as I started to believe I had figured it out. I must say that the plot twist at the end truly shocked me, and I can't believe I have to wait so long to see what happens next!
Meyer's vivid descriptions throughout the novel really help to transport the reader into the world of Renegades and Anarchists. She not only gives a fantastic visual description of Gatlon City including everything from the Renegades' headquarters, to the Anarchists' subway tunnels, to every individual street vendor's cart and product which makes the city come alive in our minds, but also describes the city's rich history with the Age of Anarchy and the Battle for Gatlon which allows ua to truly feel and sense the tension and uneasiness present in the city. The only thing I wish she had included more of was the history of how prodigies came to be because I thought that their powers were one of the coolest aspects in the story, and she could have expanded more on them.
There is an expansive list of characters in Renegades which is already hard to keep track of, but with many of them being either superheroes or villains, a lot of them have aliases which makes it even more difficult! For the first few chapters I found myself unable to tell who was who or who had what powers, but eventually got the hang of it. I really enjoyed Nova and Adrian, the two main characters, and thought that Meyer did a good job in giving them interesting backstories which connected to their internal drives. Nova is an Anarchist who wants to destroy the renegades because of what they did to her uncle and possess the power to put anyone she touches to sleep, and Adrian is a Renegade who wants to find the Anarchists responsible for murdering his mother and has the ability to make anything he draws come to life. Of course there is a bit of romance between the two of them, but it isn't instalove, and I really enjoyed the way Meyer incorporated it into the story as to make it not feel forced. The POV switches between them throughout the story, giving the reader the point of view of both an Anarchist and a Renegade, allowing them to decide which side they believe to be in the wrong. Aside from the main characters I must say I found the rest to be a bit lacking. Some of them had half-decent back stories and character development, as if some were just lost or forgotten along the way. I did enjoy the Anarchist entourage of Ingrid, Lyon, Phobia, and Honey--I just wish there was more of them, and as for the Renegades, I felt that a few of the characters were present only for their powers. Overall, l I believe Meyer did a good job with her characters.
In conclusion, I give Renegades by Marissa Meyer four out of five stars for being an fantastic, action packed start to a new series, and I highly suggest it to anyone who's a fan of YA, but especially to fans of D.C., Marvel, and superheroes in general.

Interesting perspective on the superhero genre. Nova was a well fleshed out supervillian. However, was she really bad. Where did she fit in her city?

So, I love Marissa Meyer. It’s no secret. I love the Lunar Chronicles. I love her short stories. I even loved Heartless, even though it nearly ripped my heart right out of my chest. (Fitting, I guess.) So it’s really no surprise that I also loved Renegades. To be fair, it’s a pretty big departure from her previous works. This is no fairytale retelling. No, this is a fantasy novel set in a futuristic world of prodigies, normal people with superhuman talents that choose to become heroes or villains.

It takes a while to immerse yourself in this story. Not only is there is a pretty large cast of characters, but they all have multiple names -- their real, everyday name and their superhero (or supervillain) name. In addition to that, you have to remember what side they’re on, what their power is, who their friends are, what their goal is. Honestly, the best advice I could give you is to take notes at the beginning. I wish I’d done that because it’s a whole heck of a lot of information to keep straight.

But even with that fairly steep learning curve, this was an incredible book. Marissa Meyer has such a way with words and characters and intricate plots. I could easily see this becoming a blockbuster movie. In fact, I sincerely hope that it does.

Keeping in mind that this is an ARC, I’m really hesitant to go into detail with my review. The writing is spot-on. The plot is interesting and unique. The pacing is pretty even throughout but ramps up in the last third. And the ending? My poor heart was beating out of my chest. I need the next book. I have so many unanswered questions that I can’t even ask because they would spoil the whole book.

To be honest, I can’t even believe that I somehow got an ARC of this book. This is like the peak of my book blogging career. Thank you so much to Macmillan/Feiwel & Friends and Netgalley for the free copy.

A new series, Renegades is going to have a large following. Marissa Meyer wrote the Lunar Chronicles, which I thoroughly enjoyed. She also wrote Heartless, which I didn’t care for because I’m too unfamiliar with Alice in Wonderland. This novel may be my favorite!

Similar to Steelheart, some people have powers that help or harm others. These people born with special abilities are called prodigies. For a time, these people were hunted, restrained, and even killed due to the fear people had of them. Then, Ace Anarchy “changed everything. He united the powerful prodigies he could find and together they rebelled” (5). They didn’t care about preserving the world; they just wanted freedom for their people. Due to their treatment, some prodigies were cruel, leaving the world in chaos with gangs preying on the weak. Then, a group of prodigies, dressed like superheroes, took down the gangs and Ace, establishing order. They were the Renegades.

Nova wants revenge for what the Renegades did to her family--they didn’t save them like they promised they would. She’s been raised in secret by the Anarchists who are still alive after the Renegades destroyed most of them. She is now determined to kill them and give prodigies freedom and the normal people a chance to govern and protect themselves instead of depending on the Renegades. She joins the Renegades as a spy, determined to learn weak points and take them down. What she doesn’t expect is to meet good people who truly want to help people. One is Adrian. He and his team are truly good people, trying to help those who cannot help themselves. Nova is torn, but she can’t forget her own family and how the Renegades lie about their true motives.

I think this book will fly off the shelves because it’s good, especially if you liked Steelheart.

Marissa Meyer has done it again! I received this ARC as a wishlist book on Netgalley and read the ebook version. It took me a little longer than her previous Lunar Chronicles Series to become emotionally invested with the characters but by the end I was sold. The ending left me feeling like I just watched Shutter Island. I highly suggest if you enjoyed her Lunar series or Heartless then you will love her newest novel Renegades. The first 2 questions I had when I finished this book was 1. is it a series? and 2. when will the next book come out. Read it and feel the emotional rollercoaster I am now on.