I am very sorry to say that I didn't get all the way through this book before my time to read it expired. I liked the beginning, though!

I think this is a beautifully written memoir. The author give amazing insight into her parents lives. With that being said this just didn't work for me.

This was an interesting one. Thanks for the ARC.

Memorable quote:

After years of feeling like my parents owed me something because of how they’d treated me , I now felt like I owed them something. I’d unearth so much suffering and had nowhere to put it. I couldn’t erase it from their lives on my own. It wasn’t enough to know them better. I couldn’t change how their stories ended, but perhaps I could change our relationship, which was still alive and always would be.

I found this to be a wonderfully written book about a young woman who, after her mother dies a lonely death from alcoholism, begins cleaning out her home. Going through her personal papers she comes across a pile of letters written by her parents during a time they were apart before they were married and were in different cities. Her father's parents objected to the match and were trying to keep them from seeing one another because she wasn't Ukrainian, but her father didn't care, he was in love. Suddenly, she was seeing her father for the first time, realizing she never really knew him during her life. The more she read, the more she found she didn't know her mother either, as she read the passionate words that went back and forth between them.

She takes on a project to learn about who they were before she was in their lives when they were young and happy and carefree. When they traveled the world. She interviews people from their families and old friends who knew them. Former coworkers and then she travels to Ukraine to learn more about her father's last years and tries to get to know him more too and find out why he was always so critical of her.

An advance digital copy was provided by NetGalley and author Anya Yurchyshyn for my honest review.

Crown Publishing
Publication date: March 27, 2018

In this memoir, Anya Yuchyshyn dives into the mystery of all adult children, who are our parents as people.. As she was cleaning out her mother's home following her death, the author discovered letters between her parents which altered her perceptions of who they were as a couple and individuals. She went on to interview their friends and visit places they had traveled to in order to make sense of how so much of their lives had been unknown to her and what her discoveries meant to her own life.

I thoroughly enjoyed this book. Highly recommended read! Thanks for providing through Net Galley. Five Stars *****

Thank you to Crown Publishing for providing me with a copy of Anya Yurchyshyn's memoir, My Dead Parents, in exchange for an honest review.

PLOT- In her memoir, My Dead Parents, Anya Yurchyshyn examines how life shaped her parents into the people that she knew; an alcoholic mother and a tempermental father. When Yurchyshyn was a teenager, her father George, died in a tragic and suspicious car accident in the Ukraine. Her mother, Anita, feeling that her husband had been murdered fell into a deeper despair and drank herself into an early grave. As Yurchyshyn sorted through her parent's belongings, she discovered letters and pictures that sent her on a journey to discover the parents that she never met, the people that her parents were before she was born. 

LIKE- My Dead Parents is impossible to put down. It wasn't short enough for me to read in a single sitting, but I plowed through it in less than two days. Yurchyshyn is a gifted writer and they way that she has presented her family story packs the biggest punch. She begins with the fact that her parents have both died, as is evident in the title, but then she quickly goes back to her childhood and starts painting her complicated relationship with both of them.

Her earliest memories are of parents who were glamorous and exciting. They would often travel to far-flung parts of the world and return with treasures, like rugs from the middle east and masks from Asia. These treasures filled Yurchyshyn's home and imagination, making it seem like she lived in a museum. But this part of her parents was also mixed with her mother's alcoholism and refusal to step-in to protect Yurchyshyn and Yurchyshyn's older sister, Alexandra, from their father's demanding behavior. Yurchyshyn rebels against her parents, especially when George temporarily relocates to his home country of the Ukraine, leaving his family in America. 

When George dies in a car crash, Anita suspects that it was staged and that he had been murdered. Yurchyshyn feels guilty for feeling relieved that her father has died and that she is now out from under his controlling behavior. However, now as she transitions to adulthood, her mother's alcoholism ramps up. Alexandra tries to take the brunt of care taking for their mother, in efforts to shelter her younger sister, but she cannot conceal everything. Anita's alcoholism is out of control and up until her death, her addiction and behavior creates a lot of pain within the family. Echoing how she felt when her father died, Yurchyshyn feels relieved when her mother passes.

However, as she is going through her parent's possessions, she falls down a rabbit hole of wondering about her parents, trying to figure out how such seemingly vivacious people could have turned into the parents she knew. She takes her discovery of letters further, to speak with family and close-friends of her parents, in efforts to understand the people that they were before she was born.

Who are our parents and can we ever really know them? This is the central question of My Dead Parents and something that I found personally relevant, but that is a concept that I'd argue will be universal for all readers. Like Yurchyshyn, I've lost both of my parents and I have definitely look through all of the objects that are now in my possession and I've tried to cobble together "the truth" of their lives, especially for my father, who died when I was four. I have a hard time reconciling the mom that I knew, from what I knew of her as a person from before me. Life can dramatically alter people. Yurchyshyn writes about her parents with care and love, but she also does not spare the difficult parts of their relationship or her feelings. I felt heartbroken, but like I could fully relate to her memoir.

Yurchyshyn learned that she had an older brother who died as an infant, a pain that her parents never recovered from. She also learned of the cultural differences between her parents. Her father's family fled the Ukraine when he was young, moving to America. Her mother was from a Polish-American family. There is a long history of distrust between Ukraine and Poland. Her parents union was not approved of by her father's parents. Additionally, George's strong ties to his Ukrainian heritage became more prevalent as years went on, including his disappointment that his daughters did not carry on the culture. As a teenager, Yurchyshyn didn't understand why her father needed to return to Ukraine and felt that it was because her parent's marriage was crumbling. In hindsight, she now realizes that it was a deep-seeded need to help repair his home country, rather than a failing in his marriage. The car accident cut short his efforts in the Ukraine and also his plan to return to living with his family.

The last part of the memoir turns to an investigation, as Yurchyshyn travels to the Ukraine to try to determine if her father's death was an accident or murder. I'm not going to spoil it, but just know that this entire section is intense and unexpected.

DISLIKE- Not a single thing. 

RECOMMEND- Yes!!! My Dead Parents is a memoir that I will not soon forget and I'm certain that it will be on the bestseller's list. A great pick for a book club too, so much to discuss.

‘My Dead Parents: A Memoir” is a deeply compelling debut, written by Anya Yurchyshyn. Anya explores her dysfunctional family history related to her parent’s marriage that ended when her father was killed while he was living and working in the Ukraine. Anya would wonder if they had ever actually loved each other, they seemed so mismatched and unhappily married. Anya found her parents love letters written in the 1970’s that revealed a deep love; and travel abroad to distant and exotic locations: China, Turkey, Lebanon, Nigeria, Zimbabwe—they collected artifacts, unique items and clothing. Yet, George’s family strongly disapproved of their son’s marriage to Anita. George and Anita’s children didn’t speak Ukrainian, or observe cultural or religious customs as their cousins were taught.

Anya remembered a childhood where she only wanted to hide or disappear. Terribly afraid of her father’s temper and rages, he constantly scolded and rebuked her. When Anya wrote on bathroom stall at school that she wanted to die, she was referred to a child psychologist for an evaluation and therapy. Later, in middle school Anya was diagnosed with ADHD and prescribed Ritalin. Oddly, her problems with her parents were never fully addressed or solved in therapy. Anya was also bullied by other girls and labeled a “slut” by the way she dressed, the music she listened too etc.

While her father traveled on business for banking work in the financial sector, her mother remained indifferent to Alexandra and Anya. They largely took care of themselves. Anita, the vice-president of the Sierra Club, gave speeches at conventions and traveled abroad, never appreciating her role as a prestigious banker’s wife. In 1990, George accepted a job in the Ukraine, and relocated to Kiev. The only way he could be contacted was by fax. The machine would zip and screech at all hours of the night. Moving his family to the Ukraine, would never happen.
On July 9th 1994, George was killed with two other passengers after being driven from a factory in Cherkasy. According to his driver Vitality, he was forced to swerve sharply but was struck by the driver of a van resulting in a head-on collision. Alexandra was interning in the Ukraine, identified her father’s body and made final arrangements. Anita was devastated, her alcohol consumption increased with her loss. Anya, on the other hand observed: “I performed the tasks of a daughter who lost her father. I accepted flowers, muffins, shook hands, received hugs and tried to look sad. But I wasn’t. I felt free, buoyant. The weight that had been crushing me my entire life was gone.”
Anya returned from college tp visit her family in Boston. Alexandra and her husband Raj tried their best to check on Anita: Her behavior had become “erratic and wild,” there were visits to the emergency room, a caregiver was needed to monitor Anita's drinking and keep her safe. Anita never took her admission to the Betty Ford Center seriously enough to maintain her sobriety. After years of alcoholism, Anita passed away in her sleep in 2010, she was 64.

Eventually Anya would travel to the Ukraine and hire a private investigator to check the facts about her father’s mysterious death. The case had been reopened. Anya continued with her lifelong therapeutic quest for direction and reassurance, studying with Reiki masters, and monks in meditation circles. While doing energy work with a massage therapist she was asked why she felt like a failure and who it was that decided this was the case? The divine love of the universe did not loathe her the way she felt her father had. The loud self-criticism was his voice mixed with her own. No longer would she accept this voice or listen to it, an inner peace would remain with her from that point on. Excellent family photo's included. ** With thanks and appreciation to Crown Publishing via NetGalley for the DDC for the purpose of review.

Thanks to the publisher and NetGalley for this ARC. I enjoyed reading My Dead Parents., even though it was difficult at times to read about the abuse and neglect that Anya experienced. My Dead Parents is Anya's cathartic memoir of self-discovery, examining the relationship between herself and her parents, and the relationship between her parents. The mystery/thriller/conspiracy side of the story added to my enjoyment of this book.

This book was amazing. It had a lot of unexpected twists and turns. It was easy to forget that this book is a memoir. It reads like a fictional novel, but all the more shocking because I was constantly hit with the reminder that this was real life for Anya and her siblings. I liked this book a lot. There were a lot of hidden gems and up moments in the lives of her parents that Anya discovered, but the overall hard truth of her upbringing will always remain as well. This book was definitely a good read.

I wanted so much more from this book...
The author's drive to uncover her personal history was there, but the story was flat - both in terms of drama and (more especially) personal revelation. I

This was a look at how a daughter finds out more about her parents after their death than she knew about them during their life. I found the search interesting, but didn't connect like I thought I would.

I would like to thank netgalley, the author and publisher for providing me with a review copy in exchange for my honest and unbiased opinion of it.

I received an Advance Reading Copy (ARC) from Netgalley.com in return for a fair review. Unfortunately, this book was not my cup of tea, but it did have its redeeming qualities--especially near the end. As children, we often see our parents through narrow tunnel vision. We don't see them as distinct individuals with dreams, desires and personalities outside of our own perspective. This book is a good reminder that parents are people, too--not just guardians of little ones. Ms. Yurchyshyn had a tough childhood--her father was so strict, it bordered on abuse and her mother was an alcoholic. Not a good environment for anyone to grow up in, but many of us do. And in some cases, it is even worse. After her parents' deaths, the author (now an adult) went through their personal effects, interviewed their friends and family members, and was able to cobble together their story. I will admit that I grew tired of reading about how hard she had it and I just could not identify with her parents or the decisions they made, but I was glad that in the end Ms. Yurchyshyn made peace with her mother and father. It was too bad that it took her so long. The practical side of me just doesn't understand the need to travel to far flung places in search of yourself. As I said earlier, just not my cup of tea.

This is not the book I thought it was going to be. I expected more about what Ms Yurshyshyn’s father accomplished amidst the corruption of Ukraine, or the optimism that made her mother volunteer to work nearly full-time for the Sierra Club. Most of the book was devoted to Yurshyshyn’s childhood, though, and the failings of Anita and George as parents. At times, there was TMI. I didn’t care to read about when she lost her virginity or when her mother soiled herself because she was drunk, and I don’t think it added to my understanding of their characters. I do love memoirs, but this was not the book for me.

As children we grow up thinking we know our parents. Of course we know them, we know them through the lens of our own childhood experiences. But do we really know them? This is the very question the author sets out to answer in the book My Dead Parents.
After her mother's death, Anya takes on the task of cleaning out her mother's house. Amongst the old clothes, old mail, and other detritus of years in a house, Anya finds letters - letters from her father to her mother and from her mother to her father. These letters sent her on a search to find out who her parents really were. She learns about their courtship, the early years of their marriage, their various travels, and their early days as parents. She discovers people she did not know existed. She was able to take joy in their triumphs and grieve with them over their losses.
In the process of learning about her parents, Anya reaches out to friends, relatives, past coworkers, and anyone else who knew her parents well. Not only does she learn about her parents, she builds adult relationships with people who knew them best. while many of her questions, especially about her father's death and her mother's sinking into alcoholism remain unanswered, Anya comes away from this journey knowing more about her parents and about herself.
At times, Anya's unflinching portrayal of her teenage years and relationship with her parents was difficult to read. Ultimately, My Dead Parents was a fascinating, well-written memoir.

This was not what I expected. It's a little different as far as memoirs go. It's kind of a autobiography with a little bit of history thrown in.

After the death of her mother, Anya finds love letters written by her parents to each other. She begins to reconsider how she see's her parents. Instead of viewing them as just her parents, she begins to view them as people, with desires, fears, and goals for the future. She had a difficult childhood, which she credits for turning her into the person she is today. Her father alternated between being absent and overbearing. Her mother slowly turns into an alcoholic. However, upon learning more about them, she comes to understand the choices they made and the path they eventually take with their lives. While not making excuses for their behavior, she does come to some sort of understanding and ultimately forgiveness.

To be honest, there were times where I found it difficult to be sympathetic toward the author. There were times, when I felt like she was being a little self indulgent and whiny, but towards the later half of the book she does redeem herself. Despite her unusual upbringing and crazy parents she somehow turned out alright and learned a lot about the people who raised her. It was an interesting read for sure. Thank you to NetGalley for providing and ARC for review.

I was impressed by this book..So honest view of relationship between mother and daughter...

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this memoir. The author was so honest with not only herself but the reader, when describing her feelings towards her parents.
At times her story was relatable, at times frustrating, and other times completely heartbreaking. I felt her highs & was crushed through her lows.

Thank you for sharing your family's story, thank you for telling the truth.
Sometimes you can go through life with one opinion of your family members only to find that opinion completely changed once that truth is uncovered.

As the title indicates, this is a bluntly told examination of the lives of the author's dead parents.

Sentimentality and emotion figure in, but the author doesn't mince words in being honest about her complicated feelings towards her parents and her relationship to them when they were living. Of course, as we get older and learn more about the people these authority figures were, we're often surprised by what we find out about them.

She had a troubled upbringing with her dysfunctional parents: her father embarked for his native Ukraine for somewhat mysterious work and died there in a car accident (or was it?), which becomes a very intriguing focal point later in the narrative, considering that country's politics and corruption, which he couldn't have remained immune to thanks to his business dealings. Her mother became an alcoholic, eventually succumbing to the disease's effects.

These are snapshots, literally and figuratively, of her parents in relation to her, before she was born, and sometimes alongside her. She struggles with reconciling her perceptions to other peoples' of the same time or events or personalities, or of conflicting evidence with what she's sure is true.

Anya is set off on a journey of researching her parents' lives when, while cleaning out her mother's home after her death, she discovers love letters written to her mother by her father, and is incredulous. 

Believing that they'd never been in love, as I had for so long, was much easier than knowing that they had been. Accepting this gave me something entirely new, and unexpected, to mourn. I hated what happened to them, and that it could happen to anyone. Falling out of love, or waking up in the middle of a life that you didn't want, was one of the most painful things I could imagine.

This is such an intriguing idea. We all form pictures of our parents based on what we perceive at the time, and usually these are revised as time marches on and we ourselves grow to the ages that they were in our memories, when we were confused by, angry at, indifferent to, or even in awe of them, whatever the case may be. 

So the book is a chronicle of her attempt to research, interview, track down the subjects and information involved in her parents' lives, and try to figure out what the real stories were. Most strongly gripping her imagination is that these two people who she remembered as being at odds with each other, deeply unhappy in their own ways, were once so deeply, intensely in love.

As she travels through these memories, she provides portrayals of other family members as they play roles in her history. Some of her descriptions are perfect, like this one of her great-grandmother: "She was a worn-down woman who took pleasure in wearing down others." There are some strikingly evocative ones like this, that say so much about a person in just a few words, I love reading that kind of writing.

The most interesting part to me of the book was one of the things that drew me to it in the first place - the long shadow of the Soviet Union and the role of Ukraine in her family's lives. Her father, working for an international bank, dedicated much of his life to nation building in Ukraine, trying to establish better systems than the corrupt old ones the country was working with. There's a running question throughout the narrative of whether his death was an accident, as alleged, or an ordered hit.

Ultimately, I didn't connect with this book and struggled to finish it. I'm not sure exactly what it was - she's an able writer, she weaves in history of a region that fascinates me and examines events from past and present angles and the perspectives of multiple people, things that I usually love, but something didn't work. I think it might have been that the narrative voice just didn't appeal to me, and plenty of others would enjoy this.

I also found myself wondering often where the story was going. But this isn't a book that's meant to really go somewhere, it's all about the exploration on the way. I like that anyway sometimes, but again, something just didn't click with me here.

If I'd been asked, I would have said I was happy that my father didn't make me listen to his stories. But now I wished he'd told me so much more.

I think the sentiments she experienced, like the one quoted above and particularly the ones revolving around doubt and misperception that led to researching and writing this were common and understandable, and I really admire what she did in trying out to seek out the truth. I'm glad that I read it, and I'd recommend it as interesting slice of psychology.

'Ukraine sounded like a setting for a dark fairy tale that offered no magic or redemption, a place that had nothing to do with me.'

It’s a strange sort of life for American born children with parents who come from other countries. The stories our parents share are nothing we can fully grasp, having never been at the mercy of losing our freedoms, yearning for a culture you had to leave behind, our only history in memories painted by our parents. It’s so much harder when you’ve never been taught your parent’s language, there are things that never translate (words, memories, nightmares). How are we to understand the spaces in the distance between us, the sorrows we can’t understand because said parent doesn’t have the words to express them? Culture is a beautiful thing, but it can be limiting too. In part of the memoir, Anya mentions her cousins being more ‘Ukrainian’ than she and her sister were, having been exposed to the culture and taught the language. Her father compared them and felt she and her sister could never measure up, but how could she when he didn’t take the effort nor time to teach them. It’s funny how common that is, how often a parent can be proud of their heritage and yet give up teaching their American children about it, especially the language, then feeling slighted their offspring can’t say a word beyond hello and goodbye in their mother tongue, nor muster up the sufficient amount of pride and patriotism their parent feels.

We have a habit of dissecting behaviors based on our own experiences, never thinking how living in a country can mould you. Coldness can be a defense, mistrust and distance can be a byproduct of real events that took place when you had to fear your neighbors, even your own family turning you in for speaking against the regime. It means nothing to a child though, looking for love, acceptance, warmth. Anya has only her own experience to draw from, her own homeland, with needs any American child has that foreign parents resent or simply cannot comprehend. Their expectations are so much higher, understanding what obstacles they had to conquer to get where they are. Both are naturally gifted, highly intelligent, but it for Anya what is simple to her parents was a struggle for her. Anya’s parents were different people when they were alone together on their travels. As parents they were disappointed, short-tempered, demanding, drunk, distant, or outright absent. It was impossible to work up enthusiasm for his short visits, he was as much as a stranger. When her father was killed, she was numb because what did she really know about him? She could only recall being a disappointment to him. He was never really around, having lived overseas for his job, far more interested in his career. To Anya’s eyes there was a selfish cruelty there, how different her mother could have been had she had support, love instead of being a married woman living like a single mother. He got to use his education, give his dreams wings, experience all the exciting things the places he traveled and worked at had to offer while her once vibrant, gorgeous, intelligent mother was left behind to be the adult. It robbed she and her sister as much, leaving them with an unhappy mother that didn’t have the energy or wherewithal to nurture them. Her mother was consumed over his death, it had to have been murder! It was because of his work! Growing up, Anya’s mother drank herself into a stupor, she couldn’t be sure how much was delusional drunk ravings or truth. She falsely believed her parents were incapable of love, especially for each other.

It isn’t until she loses her mother that she uncovers the secret wounds both her mother and father carried, and finds herself traveling to Wales and the Ukraine, speaking to people who knew them to find out if there is truth to her father having been murdered. In the process, she discovers losses her mother suffered, that explains perfectly how she became unhinged. The heartbreak is in realizing she would have loved to know them, how much fun it would have been to be friends with her mother, to see the light in her father’s eyes when he was in his element, as strangers knew him. But it’s never to be. All she has is the remains of the past.

It’s a struggle, in loss people gasp when someone confesses that they didn’t feel the expected emotions to their parent’s passing. Maybe that’s because so many people have intimate relationships with their parents, or a gentler, safer upbringing. Others are left to struggle with conflicting emotions, particularly in abusive relationships. Taking care of a drunk parent is a form of abuse, distance is a form of abuse. Yet, through her search she knows there were reasons why her mother couldn’t keep things together, why her father chose to ‘run’ from her sorrow. There is still love but it’s a different sort. Anya, through excavating the ruins of her parent’s life and marriage, is able to forgive and maybe find some peace, solve some of the mystery of who they were as people. This is a deeply sad, moving memoir. Some answers still leave many questions. Was he murdered? Was his death just an unlucky accident? Some questions never have a solid answer, especially in countries where truth is a slippery beast.

Publication Date: March 27, 2018

Crown Publishing