Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault, Rape

Polo Tate has achieved her life-long dream of attending the United States Air force Academy, and she's prepared to skyrocket straight to the top. The top academically, the top physically, and the top of the NCAA volleyball team. Everything is going great until the captain of the volleyball team starts to take an interest in her, and Polo finds herself getting drawn further and further into a dangerous world until her entire life comes crashing apart.

This is not an easy memoir to read. This is a tale of a young woman—filled with passion, desire, ambition and talent—who is assaulted mentally and physically...and punished for it.

Sound absurd?

It's really not. In the military, victims of sexual assault were harassed, hazed and made to feel worthless, particularly when their attackers—as in Polo's case—are their superiors, well connected, and well liked. Stepping forward becomes not only a matter of admitting what might be considered defeat (particularly in the highly competitive world of a military academy, where you are expected to be the absolute best in everything you do and scorn any sign of a weakness in your peers), but opening yourself to the scorn, derision and victim-blaming from people you considered your teammates. And the healing process is long and hard—adding further stress to the grueling mental and physical environment.

There are a couple of instances that those not familiar with the military (or only presented with the shiny, they're all heroes aspect of it) might feel is a bit of an exaggeration. Honestly, most of what Polo reveals is shocking...but not at all surprising. Particularly before the military's version of the #metoo moment (around 2010-2012 at the height of the "reveal"), sexual assault, if reported, tended to be buried to avoid tarnishing the stellar reputation of the institution, and if it was revealed the victim's reputation was dragged through the mud, irreparably damaged.

Additionally, the military promotes toxic masculinity and the idea that femininity is weak right from the get-to. Polo recounts it right off the bat, as she notes that every bad is provided with a feminine derogative. Masculine attributes of physical strength are valued. Weaker members of the team—particularly women—are derided as being lesser. Women become nothing more than objects, quite literally, when upperclassmen assign points for their latest scores.

While Polo notes that she provoked some of the abuse, she assigns too much of the blame on herself. As an incoming freshman, she was the lowest of the low. She had very little say in following the orders of an upperclassman, particularly one who was her team captain and who she at first envisioned as the kind of mentor she had in high school. But this is the struggle sexual assault survivors experience, only exacerbated with the complicated military hierarchy.

All in all, this book is about drowning, surviving and eventually finding a new path and learning to live with the hurt. I wasn't particularly fond of a lot of the writing, with all of its conflicting metaphors, but Polo's emotions shine through perfectly. This is the memoir about sexual assault that military academy staff need to read, digest, read again, and then take a hard look at their operating procedures and fix the problem.

I received this ARC from NetGalley for an honest review.

WHY DID I READ DEEP DARK BLUE BY POLO TATE?
Deep Dark Blue by Polo Tate is one of those books that stands out simply because we are in the age of #MeToo. Tate’s voice is such an important part of the conversation. For me, personally, I find it important to read memoirs of women who have undergone harrowing experiences in order to bear witness, so to speak. I think it’s important to know just how deeply the issue has spread. I wanted to read this because the story sounded fascinating.

WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT?
Polo Tate’s memoir, Deep Dark Blue, details her time at the United States Air Force Academy. We learn that it has always been a dream of hers. The chapters basically show her time at the academy and then some chapters end with a flashback to her childhood. Tate has been through some extraordinary circumstances, such as the loss of her sister. However, she’s a real fighter. We see how she acclimates to the academy and things go well for her at first. Then, she’s sexually assaulted and experiences physical and emotional abuse. At that point, Tate spirals and things don’t go so great. So the book is about how she finds her joy again.

HOW DID I LIKE DEEP DARK BLUE?
Overall, I think that Deep Dark Blue is worth reading. I feel like it is empowering to read about how Tate overcomes SO much. Yet, she manages to retain her joy and the most essential parts of herself. This book describes overcoming trauma. It shows that it is okay to trade one dream for another and that there is nothing wrong with you, if you do. The writing style wasn’t always 100% my favorite. Like there’s parts where it definitely feels overwritten. And there’s certainly a “the Secret” vibe to several parts of this book. However, that wasn’t enough to preclude me from actually getting something out of this.

WHY SHOULD YOU READ THIS BOOK?
Deep Dark Blue by Polo Tate is an emotional read. It does not shy away from detailing the misogyny that Tate experienced while at USAFA. It’s actually kind of insidious when you sit down, digest, and really think about it. I think this is such an important story. It shines a light on some pretty big issues. Then, it ends not in darkness, but with hope. Plus, there’s a bunch of resources on the end. If it makes one person feel less alone, it is well worth it.