Content warning: Naturally a book with ‘rape’ in its title is going to come with a content warning from me. This book is confronting so I would caution you to be aware of the potentially triggering nature of the content, but it was one of the best I’ve ever read on the topic.

The author considers the difficulty of categorising this book and I agree; it’s a blend of personal experience, other peoples’ experiences and insights. What kept popping into my head as I was reading was that it’s a conversation. I loved Sohaila’s down to earth tone and how she makes this multifaceted and too often silenced experience approachable. Her writing is considered and empathetic. She doesn’t shy away from the gravity of the trauma associated with rape, yet at the same time I came away feeling hopeful and validated.

“Discussions about rape are so often irrational, and sometimes outright bizarre. It’s the only crime to which people respond by wanting to lock up the victims. It’s the only crime that is so bad that victims are supposed to be destroyed beyond repair by it, but simultaneously not so bad that the men who do it should be treated like other criminals.”

Although titled ‘What We Talk About When We Talk About Rape’ this book is also about what we don’t talk about when we talk about rape, like how “it’s the weirdest things that can get you. Like dentophobia.”

When I was two thirds of the way through this book I’d already recommended it to a counsellor who works for my state’s rape crisis hotline and would recommend it to anyone who has experienced sexual assault, knows someone who has experienced sexual assault, works with people who have experienced sexual assault or want to read an intelligent, thoughtful book about this truly global issue. While there are stories of people from America in this book there are also those from all of those other places that aren’t America, like India, Australia, Africa, Europe and the Middle East. There’s also a wonderful cross section of peoples’ experiences, from the poorest and most marginalised to well known cases and celebrities.

Although I’ve read a lot, both fiction and non-fiction, about sexual assault and experienced more than my fair share, I still came across a lot in this book that made me pause and reevaluate my own preconceived ideas. I also found some lightbulb moments which have helped me make some sense out of nonsense.

The whole notion of ‘institutional consent’, which holds to account both men and women, was surprisingly new to me; “you know you can get away with it because the whole system is set up to help you get away with it.”

My favourite lightbulb moment during my first read of this book (I expect it will be the first of many reads) came when I encountered an acronym that has validated my experience so much. Jennifer Freyd, writing about betrayal trauma theory in the nineties, “proposed that abusers frequently respond to accusations with “DARVO” - Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.”

This has helped me understand why a rapist overtly threatened me with legal action twice (so far) for reporting him and covertly attacked my credibility. While he had a serious amount of institutional consent behind him and is currently the owner of a Rape Free Card, this new knowledge has helped me in the best possible way … I know I’m not alone and there’s even an acronym to prove it.

There were a few sections that seemed a bit disjointed to me and details of some stories were repeated in a couple of chapters, although the repetition did serve to remind me which person’s experience I was reading about. Absent from this book was any mention of women who rape; while uncommon, it does happen, and I would be interested to hear what this author has to say about it.

This book is sociological, political, personal and contradictory. Now, contradictory may sound like a criticism but it’s not and as Sohaila expresses, rape and the way we talk about it is contradictory, so to highlight these contradictions is vital to an honest discussion. I loved/hated the “Lose-Lose Rape Conundrum”; it is so infuriatingly accurate:

“If you talk about it, you’re a helpless victim angling for sympathy. If you’re not a helpless victim, then it wasn’t such a big deal, so why are you talking about it? If you’re surviving and living your life, why are you ruining some poor man’s life? Either it’s a big deal, so you’re ruined, or it’s not a big deal and you should be quiet.”

Thank you so much to NetGalley and The New Press for the opportunity to read this book. My current activism level is set to: Need to do something positive immediately!

Title: What We Talk About When We Talk About Rape
Author: Sohaila Abdulali
Publisher: The New Press
Reviewed By: Arlena Dean
Rating: Five
Review:

"What We Talk About When We Talk About Rape" by Sohaila Abdulali

My Thoughts...

This was definitely one incredible read where one will get a wide range of topics under this subject: RAPE. This well written novel will cover this subject from a 'political opinion, factual evidence and personal narratives' that is a easy read even though its a heavy topic with some horrible stories. I definitely found this information definitely eye opening as well as terrifying in what went on. Again, I will say this was quite a read where Sohaila Abdulali will draw one into her own 'experience that she had with rape and its aftermath.' This subject will not be a easy novel to read but in the end one will get a full understanding of what these survivors went through and yet it 'sends a message of empowerment for women.'

Thank you to both NetGalley and The New Press for my ARC of this book.

Thank you to NetGalley, The New Press and Sohaila Abdulali for an ARC ebook copy to review. As always an honest review from me.

What We Talk About When We Talk About Rape is a book we need to be talking about more. When the author started talking about rape in India, few people were discussing the topic. Now more people are, especially with the #MeToo Movement. But culturally there’s still more to be done. This book helps explain many of these concepts. Most people know and believe that rape is bad. It gets ambiguous for some people when it comes to the actual definition of rape, consent and micro agressions, rape culture and its contributions to actual assaults, sexual harassment and more. It’s shocking to me, but not completely surprising, that many people don’t understand these nuances.

I like that the author educates the reader about the nuances of rape culture. It doesn’t come across as preachy, but more like “here’s some information that you might not know. Let me share it with you.” I think most people could learn something , if not a lot of extremely important information.

The only negative aspect of the book is that it could be a trigger for some people. So read with caution and please take care of yourself.

Overall, another extremely relevant book to continue on with the discussion of the #MeToo conversation. Give it a read, and let’s start talking!

Thank you NetGalley and The New Press for this ARC.

"So what is this book? It's about shining a light on what we talk about, but also on what we don't talk about."

This is a fabulous description of the content. The author sits you down and talks to you like an older sister. Sharing stories, facts and opinions while allowing you to form your own. She questions everything and makes you feel safe and welcome to do the same.

"Discussions about rape tend to be irrational, and sometimes outright bizarre."

No one likes talking about rape. It's a horrible occurrence and uncomfortable for everyone. Does that mean we shouldn't talk about it? Of course not. I find the things we are most uncomfortable talking about are usually the most important things to discuss for that very reason. No one talks about it.

"Words are the enemy of impunity."

Opening a dialogue on any topic we are uncomfortable with can only cause it to become easier to discuss the next time. I find starting a conversation about rape is always weird and awkward and sometimes scary when you hear other peoples opinions. It's important to make it part of the discussion. It is important to make people feel comfortable coming forward and talking about experiences, emotions and knowing that they are safe to do so.

"If we can expose our children to talk of genocide, racism, bikini waxing and the inevitable melting of the planet, why should we leave out sexual abuse?"

I really enjoyed her open and honest approach. She doesn't claim to be an expect or that there is a right or wrong way to deal with or discuss sexual abuse. She just opens the door on the conversation and gives you information to be present in that conversation.

"No matter what the answer is, we certainly won't find it if we don't talk to each other.

There was some repetition with the stories, but not enough that it ruins the experience.

The book informs people about the fact and aftermath and kinds of justifications used for silencing or brushing survivors aside.

Thanks to the publisher for the ARC.

As someone who studies gender and sexual violence, I know that most of the writing around it isn't always the most accessible. Abdulali's book breaks the barrier: this is a highly engaging and easily accessible book on rape culture. The short essays are easy to follow but still pack a punch. This is a powerful collection of essays on stigma, victim-blaming, anger, humanity and smashing the patriarchy. I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone who wants to make the world a better place.

An excellent and important conversation on the life-long physical and psychological effects of rape written by a survivor and detailing the thoughts and stories of a worldwide group of survivors. Not the best writing or the tightest editing, but it's easy to overlook those imperfections in this case because the message is what is most important about this book. Read it. Think about it. And talk it with your with your kids.

This should be required reading for all human beings. This book gives us the language and the instructions for speaking honestly and openly about rape. This book is not accusatory or preachy and I am surprised at how much I didn’t really know about rape. The author speaks about what rape survivors need and it can be vastly different for each rape survivor. I highly recommend this book.

I received this book in exchange for an honest review. When I saw this book on NetGalley I knew I needed to read this. I was a SART coordinator and I volunteered for an anti-sexual assault organization as well. Rape is one of those awful terrible things that women and men have had to deal with. I was looking forward to a book that would shed more light on such an awful crime.

Unfortunately, I have reached 13% in this book and I’m going to have to DNF (Did Not Finish) it. I’ve read many of the reviews on this book and It seems that I am in the minority here. Personally, Shaila Abdulali’s writing feels like a giant rant that needed a stronger editor. Her writing seems to jump around which made it hard for me to get into the story. I cannot express my appreciation that books like this exist and are being written but I was hoping that the book would be less of a rant and more psychological/sociological.

If you’re looking for a more psychological/sociological book on sexual assault, I highly recommend looking into A False Report: A True Story of Rape in America by T. Christian Miller & Ken Armstrong. If you’re looking for a fictional tale that makes you think about the social roles of rape & how it affects its victims Joyce Carol Oates’ Rape: A Love Story (yes, terrible name) is also a good choice.

A well written and very relevant book for today’s current culture and climate. Using the stories of real life situations make them relatable. Using a sampling from across the globe ensures that every person who reads the book realizes that it could happen to them or someone they know. This can be a great conversation starter or a continuation of one in progress.

What We Talk About When We Talk About Rape is a must read. It’s a no-holds-barred, direct light on rape, on survivors, on rapists, and on our society in general. And it’s brilliantly written. Sohaila Abdulali writes a story that reads like a conversation, peppered with facts and true life stories, as well as references to her own personal experiences. For me it was such a refreshing read, because Sohaila Abdulali talks about rape and sexual assault in the way it should be talked about: without holding back.

That said, there are areas in the book that may be triggering to some, and there is no way most people will be able to read this in one go. With the status (collapse) of this country right now and all of the mayhem flying around on the news, the nomination and subsequent confirmation of a perpetrator of sexual assault to the Supreme Court, even after the survivor testified and subsequently vilified, as well as just trying to get through life in general, I had to read this book in small doses. I’m glad I did because I feel like I got a lot more out of it than if I had sped through it.

There are certain areas that stood out to me so much while reading that I jotted down some notes, but in general each chapter contains very important information, even the interludes. (Interlude on a moment of terror specifically hit me hard). Here are my notes:

Sohaila Abdulali does such a fantastic job of giving the survivor a platform, and not just from a standpoint of they have a voice too, but by showing how widespread victim blaming is, how we look at everything in black and white, and how each time we mention choice we base that choice on our own perceptions without ever putting ourselves in the place of the victims. This is something that always irks me terribly, when I hear the “but she could have...”, the “but why didn’t she walk away...” etc etc. The onus needs to be on the perpetrator, NOT the victim. We need to stop scrutinizing the victim and start scrutinizing the perpetrator. Sohaila Abdulali is so right about this. So right. I know personally that until we do this I won’t be able to speak either, because what stops so many women from speaking, even years later, is the fact that they know they will be judged, even by those who don’t think they are judging.

There are so many areas that I related to, and also areas that were very revealing. It was only recently that I equated the fear I feel on the dentist chair to another fear I felt as a child, and Sohaila Abdulali explains the correlation so well. It’s the same feeling I have had with doctors and why I avoid male doctors, especially after some experiences in pregnancy and childbirth that left me feeling even more violated than I felt before.

Sohaila Abdulali was born in India and survived a brutal rape as a young woman. She went on to work as a rape counselor and public speaker, amongst other things, and also spent a lot of her academic life studying and writing about rape and rape culture. When the #MeToo movement moved to the forefront in 2017, an old magazine article she had written 30 years before where she talks about her rape resurfaced. Sohaila Abdulali then went on to write this book even though she wondered whether it was a safe thing for her to do seeing as she mainly has been able to move on in her life. I am personally so happy that she did write this book as it has been very, very helpful to me, and in general I think it should be assigned literature for all to read.

If we don’t talk about rape we will never see a change.

Thank you Sohaila Abdulali!

And thank you Netgalley and The New Press for the advance copy (and the physical galley I won in a competiton on Instagram).

Wow wow wow. What We Talk About When We Talk About Rape is absolutely stunning. The information is absolutely eye-opening and terrifying. I highly recommend this book to EVERYONE, especially women readers. I think it's also helpful for anyone who seeks to better understand and support the #MeToo movement.

Given the subject matter of this book. It is raw, unfiltered, honest. Yet it sends a message of empowerment for women. It tackles the subject of rape headon. This book has brought rape which was and still is a taboo subject right into the for front.
Thank you to both NetGalley and The New Press for my eARC of this book. In exchange for my honest unbiased review

2.5 Stars

Straight up, honest talk about rape from someone who has suffered her own traumatic rape encounter. Like any heavy topic, the myths and misconceptions surrounding it are often profound, acting as a barrier to understanding. Abdulali attempts to cut right through those myths and spark a shocking conversation. Though her prose is often disjointed and all over the place, she commands this subject in terms of knowledge and has something important to say. She however is not wholly generous in zipping it when speaking about topics she knows nothing about such as vaccines, which is unfortunate.

Her writing is in dire need of a strong editor. Much of it came across as a rant. She comes across as acerbic. It is understandable but should have been worked through before and kept out of the book. In spite of this, I would still recommend the book since this topic needs to be dragged out of darkness and into the light. However, I offer a warning to readers that Abdulali’s emotions are running the show throughout.

BRB Rating: Read It.

This is such an important topic and this book deals with it perfectly. Everybody needs to pick this up.

I received a digital copy of this book from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

This is such an important book. If I had to put into words, I'd say this book is the conversation about rape that I wish someone older and more mature had had with me or I could have with someone .younger. The good thing is, now we can. Through this memoir-slash-self help manual, Sohaila Abdulali, a rape survivor and head of a rape crisis center, shows us just how frankly we can talk about sexual assault without coming across as brash or insensitive. It doesn't seem like an easy conversation. But Abdulali comes from an Indian Muslim family, two of the most 'conservative' dynamics a family could possibly possess and yet she states her parents used to print out her writing regarding her experience and hand it out to stunned guests to read. If that's not your cup of tea, you can just sit at a dinner table with your family or friends and start by saying, "I just read a great book titled "What We Talk About When We Talk About Rape" & I feel that everyone should read it!" Talk about an ice breaker.

Apart from sharing her own experience, the author uses incidences from around the world as well as the research of many experts to talk about the importance of sexual education, creating awareness regarding consent among both sexes (and especially among children, because let's face it they are exposed to so much in today's technology, teaching them something significant that could protect them or those close to them can hardly be considered too sensitive for their age) and the importance of the #MeToo movement and how it helped spur not only a nationwide but a global conversation about an issue that has been brushed under the rug for far too long.

I would recommend this book to everyone that I possibly can in the hopes that it will encourage them to start talking more openly regarding the taboo of rape. Because once we talk about it, it is real and thus harder to ignore. Which is what we need as a species now more than ever.

This book will make you reconsider everything you thought you knew about rape, and sexual education. A feminist book that will make you feel empowered, the fast paced and anger in Sohaila's voice is very effective to give the reader information mixed with real life testimonies all very well weave into a perfectly executed book that needs to be read.
Strongly recommend

Trigger warnings everywhere but SUCH A GREAT READ.

This is a much needed text on the psychology and culture of rape. It is a necessary read for everyone in this day and age.

I was given an advanced reader’s copy in exchange for an honest review

Very powerful book- she really goes deeply into topics that other writers stay away from, pushing the conversation into uncomfortable places. Definitely necessary for anyone new to the topic and feminist discourse in general

Feminism is all about empowering women. And this book does exactly that; it asks difficult questions, it delves deep into a subject that is wrongly, in my opinion, considered taboo, it promotes both empathy and critical thinking. This book may not be a memoir or an academic piece, it is however carefully and precisely researched. Abdulali has an important voice that needs to be heard.