I really wanted to love this as much as I did Carter's I Stop Somewhere but it wasn't quite up to par. It's a story of about how Lexi tries to come to terms with what her brother did, moving on with it and in spite of it. Her struggle to make friends and live normally is so painfully human and that is one part all readers will relate to. Grief, in this story, is almost so palpable. However, I felt that there was nit enough character growth for Lexi and was left disappointed.
I received an ARC of this book via Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.

First Thought After Finishing: What a journey!

I was intrigued by the synopsis of this book--the sister of a convicted murderer seemed like such an interesting perspective. This book was an emotional journey, to be sure, but there was also an examination of the nature of people and whether or not change is possible.

Ever since her brother committed and confessed to murder, Lexi's life has never been the same. She was never particularly popular at school, but now school is a battlefield, and she is always the victim. Lexi has spent the past five years moving every year, praying that nobody would find out, but she has yet to survive a school year. But this year will be different, she promises herself. She will keep her head down for 162 days, nobody will find out about Scott, and she'll graduate and be done with it. Only not letting people in is much harder than it sounds, especially when the possibility of friends is so tempting. But what will she do if they find out?

This book delves into the age-old question: Can people truly be loners? Lexi wants to keep to herself, but when she meets Ryan and Marcus, she can't help but be drawn to them, although for different reasons. Ryan's enthusiasm and general kindness make him impossible to ignore, and when he introduces Lexi to his friends in the drama club, she can't help but be caught up in their infections energy. With Marcus, she can't help but want to know him better, and to want him to know her, despite the warnings from her aunt. And although all of these characters may seem straightforward, there is more to each of them than meets the eye.

Lexi has been battling a fair amount of mental health issues ever since her brother's arrest. She has a therapist and has internalized many of his sayings, but that hasn't solved any major problems yet. The depth of Lexi's pain goes beyond what might be expected. But with the help of Marcus, she starts to realize that perhaps she wants more out of life. In some ways, Marcus is a bit of a crutch for her, but I think everyone needs that at some point. The themes of the book certainly made me think--is it human nature to be selfish? How fair is it to expect people to change? How does one keep trying for genuine connection in the face of so much hurt? These questions may not be definitely answered in the book, but I think they have the possibility to make the reader reflect on their own emotional lives.

To be honest, a few of the characters--especially Ryan--disappointed me. I wanted more for him; I wanted to see something more hopeful. In other ways, I would have liked to see more depth and development from Lexi. I felt a sense of disconnectedness through most of the book, and although that reflects her current emotional state, there was an opportunity for so much more depth of feeling. Still, I would be open to reading more from this author in the future to see what other emotional journeys there are.

Most Memorable Aspect: The premise is unlike anything I've seen before.

I fell in love with this cover and the hype from Carter's debut novel (that I own but still haven't read). But I struggled with this one. The tone and characters' voices seemed younger than their ages (17-18 years old). I was expecting something with a little more depth and a little more tension given the seriousness of the plot. Still, I did think it was well written and am willing to try out Carter's other novel, I Stop Somewhere.

I ended up reading a finished copy of this book from the library.
2.5 stars.

Lexie is one of those characters that you want to like and you want to care about, but you just can't for some reason. Lexie herself isn't a terrible person, she's a senior in high school who is just trying to make it through her last year. Her brother killing multiple people put her into this situation where she is being blamed for what he did still after all these years. Its a terrible situation to be in and one that affects her whole family.
Lexie has tried to control any part of her life that she can and she does through the clothes she wears, and how she puts on a persona to hide her real self. She decides one day to trust someone and they actually understand her and see her for her. They don't care about what her brother did. This was a big turning point for Lexie and one that I wish she had had earlier in her life so she could have had more 'normal' experiences where she wasn't having to act all the time.
Overall this book was just kind of meh for me. I kept getting this sinking feeling in my stomach while reading it and I can't explain why. I had no real problems with any part of the story itself, it was put together nicely and I even found myself liking multiple characters. I just never found myself being drawn into the story and really truly caring about any of the characters.

This book just wasn't for me and that's okay.

This is a truly heartbreaking read about Lexie’s trauma and what she went through due to her brothers actions. She suffers from PTSD/anxiety and makes her move each year to escape people’s comments on her life and what her brother did. She has a hard time making friends and getting close to anyone, which makes it hard to live as a teenager. With this last move-something is different. She starts to go through a healing process, which I loved. The growth of Lexie was great. I too suffer from anxiety and know those spiraling thoughts of the what-if’s and that distorted thinking.
Definitely a great read. I docked a star because the ending was super abrupt and I wished there was an epilogue to see her in the future from moving on what happened with everyone finding out. She was starting to cope with it, but I just wished it took it a bit farther than that with a good time jump.

I was originally part of the blog tour for this book and was expecting it to be really good. However, I sadly had to back out. I decided to try and read it though, but just was not as impressed as I thought. I tried to get through a few chapters, but I didn't feel like the story was picking up as much as I had hoped. Nothing was really holding my attention and in the end I just decided to DNF the book. Maybe there is someone out there who would enjoy this book and maybe I will give it another chance someday. Sadly though I think the premise of the story captivated me more than the actual story.

WOW!

Just wow...

This story has so much soul from start to finish. I found it difficult to put down even to do life things! I read it in bed, in the bath, in the car (but only when I wasn't driving), and everywhere in between. I was very close to calling into work, but then I just stayed up entirely too late to finish. Have I gotten your attention yet? Basically, you need to read this as soon as you can!

Like the synopsis says, it's a strong discussion on our assumptions about people based on the way they look or seem. We should be way less focused on how people appear and maybe try to put a little more emphasis on getting to know the heart of people. Lexie has always been harshly judged because she looks and acts differently to her peers, but that's her way of coping with her PTSD. She feels she needs to do those things in order to get through her life.

The portrayal of Lexie's anxiety, depression, and PTSD are phenomenal. They are so realistic and don't shy away from the darker side of those afflictions. The author also keeps the reader in the dark for the first bit of the story, which really added to my interest. I felt like I had to keep reading until the end to find out what happened to make Lexie the way she is, and then to find out her resolution at the end. It's a massive page turner, but it does have a lot of darkness, too. I found her relationships (and the romance) made it that bit more realistic. While she didn't have to have the romance aspect to overcome her challenges, I felt the support she had because of it only added to the story.

This has been one of my favourite reads of the year. It's so emotional and powerfully written. I had to give this five stars without a doubt.

I read and reviewed this book for The Fantastic Flying Book Club blog tour, and I loved it! Here's the link to my review:
https://somebooksandramblings.home.blog/2019/04/17/book-review-all-we-couldve-been-by-t-e-carter-blog-tour-giveaway/

The FFBC sending me a digital galley in no way influenced my rating of this book

All We Could Have Been is definitely a unique story, with a wrenching premise. The slow reveal of what exactly placed Lexi in the state she is in was gripping, and some of her peer interactions seemed genuine enough. However, I didn't feel like the change in behavior of her friends made much sense. I would understand them feeling disillusioned and distancing themselves, but the instant dislike and immediate ugly actions seemed too abrupt to me.

All We Could Have Been was a powerful and raw story about Lexie and the difficulties she goes through after her brother murdered someone. The book talks about the problems she goes through in getting people’s acceptance, in making friends because of the constant judgmental perspectives of people.
The writing was really simple but effective because it actually paints a realistic picture of how cruel and judgmental people can be. It is also a story about how she learns to trust people, open up and how she tries to be brave despite the circumstances. I would not say there a lot of twists and turns but it definitely has some really good plot points. Her journey through everything, the support she gets, her journey of becoming brave and just learning to exist. It was an effective, beautiful, raw and promising story which leaves you relieved and happy in the end.
This is a great read for anyone who likes the self-journey stories. It can get dark at times and since it is written from such a realistic point of view , it has shades of both happy and sad tones.

I received a advanced copy of this book via NetGalley.
My favorite premise for a book is just an idea. “What would it be like if I was ______ ?”
In the case of the 17 year old main character of All We Could Have Been “what would it be like to be the younger sister of a murderer?” How would people treat you? When can you start living or will you always pay the price for someone else’s crime? Who do you trust with your past and when are you required to disclose it?
I thought T.E. Carter did an excellent job of displaying Alexia’s pain without exhausting the reader with her insecurities and self-pity. And she managed to give Alexia a honest teenage voice and a sense of humor even in the midst of this dark subject matter. All the supporting characters are fleshed out and real even when the reader doesn’t understand their motivations or is disappointed by their actions.
I recommend this to anyone that likes to read darker or heavier YA subject matter that also has a romantic storyline as well. It has a thoughtful portrayal of PTSD, self-harm and anxiety for readers that are interested in exploring these topics but not in a heavy handed way.

Rating 4.5/5

I really like stories that deal with the aftermath of a tragic event, there is something about how difficult people can get that I just can’t seem to tear my eyes away from. When I read the description of All We Could Have Been I knew that it was going to be a book that would keep me turning the pages.

It is a captivating story, it’s a book that keeps you invested and makes you want to keep reading not through thrills but through its complexity and the questions it asks of the human condition. Not all of the questions have answers, I like this because in life there aren’t always clear cut answers and because it pushes me to think more about motivations for characters.

Lexi is a brilliant character, she has suffered greatly in the aftermath and has a lot of issues but somehow still manages to be self-aware. Her character really makes you think and gets under your skin with the points that she brings about. She is trying to discover who she is under a lot of pressure from outside factors and I really admired how she handled herself.

I loved her relationship with Marcus, how they could be open with each other but also that she did have someone that made her feel safe without it feeling like he was the one saving her from all the bad things in her life. I also liked her relationship with Ryan, how they managed to eventually understand each other on a much deeper level but I was disappointed in him toward the end. I expected better of him, but I suppose that is maybe part of the point that you can expect things from people and they will never react the way you think they will.

I thoroughly enjoyed this book and felt very emotional through a lot of it, I think it says a lot about the skill of the author that I was able to feel such a range of emotions from one book. I will definitely be looking forward to getting my hands on more T.E Carter books in the future.

This story was hauntingly beautiful about picking up the pieces and pretending to be normal after experiencing tragedy. Lexie has been to a different school each year trying to start over after an incident happened with her older brother. We see little bits of what happened that day during Lexie’s story and how Lexie has been trying to hold herself together ever since.

The thing I like about this story is that when tragedy strikes we learn all about what happened but never see what happens to the people that are left behind. How they try to move on without that moment in time affecting them and how they cope with their new “normal.” This was an amazing story and Lexie’s journey will stay with me for quite some time.

Rating: 4/5 Penguins
Quick Reasons: haunting, thought-provoking; this novel does a fantastic job of exploring the ways trauma and violence shape a person's world afterwards; T.E. Carter explores human nature in vivid, brilliant ways; the character growth and arcs vibrantly prove that even the kindest souls can have their flaws

HUGE thanks to T.E. Carter, Feiwel & Friends Publishing, Netgalley, and the Fantastic Flying Book Club for sending a complimentary egalley of this title my way! This in no form altered my read of or opinions on this novel.

And what a complex, poignant read it is! T.E. Carter explores the multiple, heavy ways that trauma and violence can shape and mold a person in their aftermath. These characters are complex and beautiful in their flaws--proving that even the kindest of souls, even those with the best of intentions, sometimes take paths of unnecessary cruelty. The fact that T.E. Carter does not try to justify that cruelty, does not try to "tidy" everything up in the end, only proves that she has an insight into human nature that most of us are too hopeful to acknowledge.

There are things you don't get to escape. There are things people won't let you forget. No matter how much you tell yourself it's okay. No matter how much you want to believe there's a tomorrow where yesterday isn't always looming. There are some things that shape every minute of forever.


There is a quiet, subtle plot woven throughout this book--because this story, in its essence, is more focused on the growth and learning of its characters than any action or events. The mystery is slow to unravel, leading readers down a nonlinear progression of memories and backstory, allowing us to more fully enmesh ourselves in Lexie's mind. Don't let yourself become complacent in your reading, though, dear Penguins--this book will change your outlook on a lot of things, if you allow it.

I highly recommend this read to those who seek a peek into human nature...and all the ways that the actions of those we love, of those we are inspired by, might affect our daily lives. The characters are complex and realistically flawed. Dare to open these pages, Penguins, and I guarantee you will find yourself looking at the world through freshly opened eyes.

I received a copy of this book from Netgalley for an honest review.

I feel like this book was written by a completely different author than "I Stop Somewhere". The characters were dull and I didn't feel a connection with any of them. The plot sounded interesting but that also fell flat for me. I really could not get into this one, which is so disappointing because "I Stop Somewhere" was so amazing and I was really looking forward to another book by this author. I will still be on the lookout for the next one.

"For all the ways I want to disappear and not let people see me, it still cuts me every time they don’t."

All We Could Have Been was a very emotional book. While it is YA, it tackles some very adult themes and thoughts – maybe because the main characters, while still teenagers, have both experienced life events that forced them to grow up very quickly. It seems to be marketed as a thriller, which isn’t entirely accurate as it mostly focuses on the aftermath of a crime rather than the events around the crime. There are some flashback sort of memories about it though, so I guess maybe that’s why…YA thriller seems to be a hard genre to pin down.

Feels

I hurt so much for Lexi. For Marcus, too, but mainly for Lexie. She has been so scarred by her brother’s actions and the hatred that people in general turned on her family after his crime, that she has (as many of us do) started to believe it of herself.

"You ruin everything, I remind myself. There’s nothing you can keep safe. "

Lexie’s parents have tried, but they’ve been dealing with their own trauma, and haven’t entirely kept up with their very nearly adult daughter. Their best advice to her is to lay low, not attract attention, and please-for-the-love-of-god maybe consider not color coding her clothes to the day of the week. Despite sending her to a therapist, they seem to have no grasp of how important coping mechanisms are to Lexie, even something as small as clothing colors.

I also caught a case of the feels for Lexie and Marcus together. They aren’t the most romantic couple – their relationship is built more on a need for support and understanding that they can’t seem to find from anyone else. While I wouldn’t ever *recommend* a romantic relationship based on such, the fact is that it happens often, I’ve been IN a relationship like that, and sometimes it is what people need at that time. Such relationships may not be the most lasting, but they have their place.

Lexie grew SO MUCH in the course of this story. She’s not perfect, or “fixed” as some might be inclined to call it, but she makes so much progress. She keeps trying. Which, as anyone with depression or anxiety can tell you – IS HUGE. Sometimes it is so difficult to keep trying.

Characters

Aside from Lexie, there is an entire cast of other interesting people! This made me really happy because often secondary characters are so similar I can’t remember who is who or did what.

There is, of course, Marcus – who is supposed to be this bad boy with a horrible reputation, when all he really seems to be is a kid who did what he had to do to survive and ended up getting swept under the rug by the school system.

Ryan is Lexie’s first real friend at her new school, and he has a secret too, but one that’s entirely personal. View Spoiler » I really like Ryan, until about the middle of the book, when he does something that seems entirely selfish and unreasonable and very out of character, IMO. Meh.

Chloe – Chloe is somewhat petty and self-centered, but she has a respect for human feeling that a lot of people don’t. I can respect her, in the end, even if I didn’t really like her.

Aunt Susie – I love adult characters that I can empathize with. This is probably less of a big deal for the intended audience of All We Might Have Been, but as an adult reader I totally felt a kinship with her. She is Lexie’s mother’s sister, and while she is trying to be the “parent” figure Lexie’s parents want her to be, she ends up treating Lexie more like an adult. Huge props.

Setting

Most of the book takes place in and around Lexie’s high school – the one she’s starting at the beginning of her senior year in hopes she can make it 160 days. Normally I’m annoyed by school settings, but this one didn’t bother me, I think because it was much more character focused than it was on any particular setting.

Negatives

Mainly Ryan’s abrupt character switch in the middle of the story. I felt like it was unnecessary and really sad – and very NOT in character for him. It really dampened the entire rest of the book. Also in the beginning there is some weird, over-the-top descriptions that really threw me for a loop…I think maybe the author was trying to get Lexie’s sort of dry, sarcastic humor across but it really just felt strange.

Review will be published on 22 April 2019 at the link below.

Many thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for providing me with an eARC of this title for review. All opinions are my own.

Actual rating: 2.5, but rounded up to 3 due to the second half of the book.

I was VERY excited to read this book based on its premise AND the premise of Carter's earlier work I Stop Somewhere . Sadly, I was disappointed. I was hoping for something amazing, something to keep me wondering about humanity, and choices, and what it means to be family. Instead I got something that felt generic even though it shouldn't (I mean, how generic is having a killer in your family?) and flat. My main complaints stem from the fact that much of the story seems to take place only in Lexi's head, meaning all we get is her internal monologue. There is very little action, which means this story rests on the characters. And they are flat. Lexi felt whiny, the side character of Ryan is underdeveloped, the issue with Rory is unexplained, and the relationship with Marcus is TOO EASY to be believed. With a conflict centering on the fact that Lexi starts over every year, there is no real rationale for it and the parents, people who should be central to this conflict, are amazingly flat.

Overall, this is a second or even third purchase for incredibly large library collections. Skip it if you have a tight budget. Appropriate for grades 9 and up due to language, sexual content, and maturity.

3.5 Stars- posted to all links Friday April 19

T.E. Carter’s All We Could Have Been hits the mark on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder by focusing the main character, Alexia’s, struggle to get past her brother’s crimes. There aren’t many details given about his crime because that isn’t the point of the story. If you are going to get hung up on the crime her brother committed, the victims and their trauma, then this book is not for you. It is not a thriller or a mystery. It is a family trauma about picking up the pieces and attempting to put a shattered life back together after a horrific incident by one person you love, tears it apart.
Alexia and her parents decide that after what has happened, it is in everyone’s best interest to leave town. Her parents opt to sell their house and move into a condo and Alexia moves in with family members. Everything is steady as she goes until someone finds out the family secret and they begin bullying Alexia.
When it all became too much the family decided to take it everything to a whole new extreme. They didn’t just move Alexia but gave her a new identity. This works for a while. Alexia starts to make friends, first a couple of boys Marcus and Ryan (cue white knights to the rescue trope) and Chloe who is none too happy that Alexia is making eyes with the boys she considers her territory, especially when Ryan introduces Alexia to the drama club.
However, Chloe need not worry as Alexia decides it is bad boy Marcus she is actually interested in as she settles into what is starting to feel like her first normal school year since her brother’s craven act when she was a mere twelve-years-old.
However, moving, even with a new name can’t keep a secret if you are going to decide to tell the secret yourself. And that, surprisingly is exactly what Alexia decides to do. I really am not sure what to do with this part of the book. Some are going to call it brave and some are going to call it sabotage. Finish your senior year. Go to college. Then really start afresh. You wanted your senior year. You have your senior year. Why take this chance? But she does. And guess what? Yep.
Everyone turns on her.
I have issues with this on many levels. One, it is obvious. This could have played out different. Even if SOME of them turned on her, fine. They are teenagers. Teenagers are gonna do what they are gonna do. But could SOME of them not turn on her? Two some of their reasons for turning on her make absolutely no sense.
Ryan decides to guilt Alexia into believing that outing her secret will somehow enlighten everyone that he is asexual and come after him. At this point in the book I seriously needed an etch-a-sketch. Because I had no ability to connect the dots between Ryan’s sexuality coming out before he wanted it to due to Alexia telling her own truth. And then him using that to guilt her into believing it as well. Some best-friend right there.
The whole school ganging up on Alexia doesn’t shock me. I’ve been there. I venture to say many kids in school have been there. Mind you not for such severe reasons but unfortunately, administration and teacher mostly turn a blind eye to bullying. They see it as a teenage right of passage. SHOULD THEY? NO, OF COURSE NOT. But unfortunately, that is normally what they do. So, it didn’t shock me in the least that when all the newspaper articles etc.… started showing up at school? No one stopped it.
Who does Alexia turn to, to get her through all this, this mess that she started by outing her past after finally getting exactly what she wanted? Not herself, unfortunately. It would have been fantastic if she’d dug in herself and told Ryan to back off. That his sexuality and whether he told HIS truth was not on her telling HER truth was not her burden to bare. The two were in no way connected.
And it would have been fantastic if she just ignored the newspaper articles and bullies and just owned up to it all, went through her grief counseling and realized that if and when she decides to tell her truth again? She knows exactly who she is talking to, the type of people they are and most importantly? She better be sure she is ready to handle whatever the fall out might be. She needs to be strong enough in herself to handle it if the stand by her, run away or slap her in the face.
Does she do any of that? No. She grabs on to Marcus like a life raft and rides him to the shore because that is what all girls need. They all need a strong man to get them through the tough times. They can’t do it themselves. They can’t stand on their own two feet. Marcus could have been her one friend to stand beside her and say hey, I got you. I got your back. You need to lean on me? Cry on my shoulder? I’m here. Everyone needs that support. No one is an island. But she can have that and still learn to find the strength to stand on her own and get through the storm by herself, too.

Let me start by saying that, All We Could Have Been is not the type of contemporary story that I normally read. I usually stick with the cute romance stories that, although they deal with real-world issues, generally stay pretty light with heavy doses of humor.

So why did I pick-up All We Could Have Been? I can’t fully explain it. I think a big part of it is that my curiosity got the better of me. I’m not usually big into mysteries, but for some reason I just really needed to know what the “heinous crime” that Lexie’s brother committed was, and how it caused her to develop PTSD.

For five years, Lexie has felt tainted, like the same darkness that lives in her brother, is in her too. She’s also felt guilty. She’s felt like she should have known, or that, if she had just made a small change in her routine that particular day, things would have been different. Lexie already felt horrible for something that she had no part in, and then on top of all that, she has had people of all ages, especially her peers, harassing her. They’ve blamed her for her brother’s actions. They’ve even accused her of not feeling bad enough. Lexie has been struggling to hold it together for so long, and when a fresh set of people started harassing her in All We Could Have Been, I was wishing that I could jump into the story and start reaming out the people. I wanted to yell at them: YOU DUMMIES! SHE’S A VICTIM TOO. *That’s how deeply invested I was in this story*

I’m so glad I gave this book a chance! It grabbed me from the beginning, and held on tight all the way to the end. I cared for, and rooted for Lexie right away. One of the things that this book tries, and I believe succeeds in conveying to us is that it’s not just a victim’s family that suffers when something tragic occurs. What Lexie’s brother did (and I won’t spoil what it was, because this book does a great job of building the dark mystery, by throwing little bread crumbs here and there), inadvertently did a number on Lexie.

Lexi has been running for five years. Ever since she came home that day after school and watched her brother being taken away by the police. When people see her now, all they see is what her brother did. They say Lexi has the same thing inside of her and aren't very nice about it. Hoping to start over again, she moves in with her Aunt for senior year. No one knows who she is here and she wants to keep it that way!

It's clear that pretending is leaving a mark on Lexi. She has lots of anxiety, doesn't want to get too close to people, has to wear a certain color on a certain day and she's afraid to let slip who she really is. This author really wrote this so well. I felt all the emotions Lexi was going though! Her grief not only for what happened to her brother who was her best friend, but the question if she could've known it was going to happen?

All Lexi wants is to feel normal. She feels guilty for feeling that way though. Why should she live normally when the family her brother devestated is left picking up the pieces. Especially when people find out and start looking at you differently, blaming you, thinking you'll do the same thing. I thought the author described this well. In the world these days, people are so easy to judge. Your family member did something, so you automatically are the same. It's so unfair to Lexi, because they don't even want to see what she's going through.

It was nice seeing Lexi find her own normal. Being friends with Ryan and joining drama, even the beginning of a relationship with Marcus. While I would normally say that love doesn't really fit into a story like this, it's perfect in All We Could Have Been. Lexi needed to find someone that she truste, felt comfortable with, who didn't turn away when they found out the truth. Marcus doesn't have the most normal life either, so he was perfect. Lexi could start feeling normal and start to trust again.

I think my favorite part of this book was seeing Lexi grow. Starting to come to terms that she is allowed to live her life. She isn't responsible for what her brother did and shouldn't feel bad for wanting her own normal. Just because something awful happened, that doesn't define who she is. Lexi is her own person and gets to be happy.

I loved that the author built up to us finding out what Lexi's brother did. It shouldn't matter what he did, because it has nothing to do with her. All We Could Have been doesn't end with the typical happily ever after and that is a good thing. Stories like this aren't magically better in a few chapters. Not everything is perfect, so why should the ending be that way?