I received a copy of this from the publisher via Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.

I figured with this being December, that this was as good a time as any to finally read this novel. I also thought it would be good to have a break from all of the traditional Christmas stuff.

I’m not really sure how I feel about this book. There were certain parts that I really liked, one being Mrs. Claus’ story and The second being Simon the Elf ( I enjoyed his full use of the English language) but other than that, it was just ok. The story moved somewhat slow, Santa and Rudolph were both chumps and not very exciting, and the ending had a bit of a neat twist in a quirky, cheesy sort of way.

It was a short read which I liked but I’m not sure I’d read further into the escapades of Simon the Elf.

I really was not able to get into this book. It was more ridiculous than I had expected and it wasnt interesting. I felt no great need to finish this book.

Great things about this book like the premise! But there were parts that needed to be filled in! Thank you netgalley for the free arc in exchange for an honest review!

This here revision is about this here book “Santa is a Vampire”.

The premise for this story is fantastic! Simon, an elf from Santa’s workshop, is relaying the true story of Santa: not only does he really exist, it turns out his jolly old self is actually an evil, psychopathic vampire! This here story had so much potential to be insanely campy and delicious.

Unfortunately, this here book is in desperate need of an editor who is not afraid to trim, nay, slash away the overused phrases and repetitive plot points. This here novel is already on the short side at just 267 pages, and I think there is enough excess to be trimmed that it could easily be turned into an amazing, tightly-written short story.

Another option would be to slash the unneeded bits and replace them with some juicy pornographic material. For a book that tries so hard to be shocking, it felt almost weird that there really wasn’t much sex (none that was really detailed or graphic) included at all.

As it stands, this book did not work for me, and that’s a shame. I really wanted to love and embrace it for its quirkiness, and I really did love some of the sarcastic snark that coloured Simon’s personality. But I just couldn’t get past some of the eccentricities in the writing.

2 stars for this story about this here story about a serial-killer-come-Santa [sic].

Thank you to NetGalley and NineStar Press for providing me with a DRC of this book.

I was kindly approved to review this book via NetGalley. Unfortunately I got to 10% complete and couldn’t continue. The language for me is too simplistic and the storyline has a lot of plot holes mainly due to the narrators hatred of his boss. I was generally intrigued by the title of this novel and really wanted to enjoy it. It just wasn’t for me.

“Do you know why he wears red? I do. It hides the blood stains better .. Even though he usually cleans the blood up.”

Told by Simon the Elf, Santa the Vampire shows the evil side to the big red man we all know and love. From murdering innocent people for their blood to enslaving his staff, this book shows the dark side of Christmas. And if you think Mrs Clause and Rudolph are innocent, you can think again.

What have I just read?!?! I requested a copy of this book through Netgalley as the synopsis had me laughing and intrigued by how the author would progress with this story line. I must admit it did make me laugh, but it was such a ridiculous story! There are trigger warnings at the start of this book which readers should definitely be aware of before deciding to continue with this book as it does dive into some very controversial and difficult topics. I’m lost for words, this book is like no other book I have read, and if I’m honest, I hope I don’t read another like it.

I know a lot of you are probably looking at the summary for this book and going 'well honestly, what did you expect' and that's fair ...but I guess what I was expecting was for it to be so bad it was good or at least a kind of enjoyable funny-bad but what I got was just ...bad.

It maybe could have scraped a 3 star rating if it was literally half the length it is now. I know it's already fairly short, but most of the time Simon is just rambling about completely unrelated plot points and jumping all over the place. I started out fairly amused by the whole thing but just kept skimming faster and faster as the book went on.

The idea of Santa as a vampire is definitely an amusing one and I think it could have made a good story, but this whole thing just reads like random plot points thrown together to see how ~edgy~ the author can make it and when he literally wrote himself into the book at the end I couldn't stop rolling my eyes. Definitely wouldn't recommend this.

I won't be publically reviewing this book because I got part way through and decided to DNF it rather than finish it only to give it a poor review. I don't actually think it's a bad book.. I think the writing style is fun and the narrative has a lot of dark humour. I just find that I am very hit or miss with humourous narratives and I just really didn't connect with this one.

Thank you NetGalley and NineStar Press, LLC for this ARC.

A vampire version of Santa, the elves are enslaved, Rudolph is a jerk, and all told by a sassy gay elf named Simon... my curiosity was piqued.
I went in with low expectations for a cheesy holiday book with vampires and some giggles. For the most part that's what I got.

"Listen, even without Santa's hidden reality, who opens their door for a dude in a Santa outfit unless you're expecting the stripper I referenced?"

Simon was a great MC. He was sassy (mostly to his detriment), likeable, enjoyed the holiday spirits a bit too much, cursed like a sailor and had a wild imagination. What's not to love?!

"I love cursing a lot. Doesn't surprise me it flies a little more when the inhibitions get loosened up. Naughty words make the world more colorful. More interesting."

There were a lot of low brow jokes (farts and vomit really?) and weird moments that kind of sent the book off in a weird direction. This was never gonna be a high quality book meant for anything other than entertainment. If you read this, go in with that thought at the forefront.
The story was a cool idea and had the writing been a bit more cohesive I think it could have worked. For most of the book it felt like the author was trying too hard, that at every turn of the page something new had been interjected for pure shock value and didn't really fit in with the story.
*please refer to the ice dungeon and the nutcracker stuff for further proof of this*

Now that Thanksgiving is over and the turkeybird is all eaten up, I thought I would review something a little more Christmas-y. What could be better than a vampire Santa Claus? 😉

Blurb:

Simon the Elf wants to tell you the true story behind Jolly Ole St. Nick. Yeah, he’s a vampire. But that alleged gift giver and lover of children hides more than that fact from you. And what about Mrs. Claus and Rudolph? Venture into a world of enslaved elves, enchanted animals, and death wrought by Santa himself. With his sharp wit, Simon will lead you into the darkest realms of Christmas. Warning: Simon cusses a lot. But you would, too, if Santa held you captive.

Available on Amazon, Ninestar Press, and other outlets November 26, 2018.

Review:

55 points/100 (3 stars/5)
Warning: Rape.
Warning: depictions of graphic violence, murder of adults and children; mention of past rape and child sexual abuse; homophobic comments.

Santa is a Vampire is the type of book that will sink or swim for you based on how funny you find it. If you find it funny, you will be entertained, if you don't find it funny, you probably will not enjoy this very much at all. Santa is a Vampire is filled with crass humor that typically involves either cursing or body fluids, or both. The humor also likes to play with subverting expectations by doing one thing, and then saying not to do that thing because it is "wrong", and then making fun off the opposite thing. For example: if it would make fun of Simon because he is gay, then Simon would say something to the effect of "that isn't right, stop being a homophobe", and then he would make fun of homophobes. It does this with all sorts of sensitive topics.

Which brings up my warnings. The first warning is my own, because there is an onscreen rape (even though the publisher's website says there is no sex). You kind of have to brace yourself when a book goes out of its way to tell you that the evil vampire is asexual, but there we are. The second warning is from the publishers themselves. Follow that warning, because it is 100% accurate and more. Santa is a Vampire is not a book to be reading if you are sensitive to any sort of topic. It makes light of some very hard things, and uses them either just for a laugh or shock value. Heed the warnings.

Our narrator in this tale is Simon the Elf and he is writing a journal on Santa. Simon is pathologically incapable of shutting his mouth. The conflict of this book isn't the fact that Santa is a vampire, it is Simon's own mouth. It gets him into every little bit of trouble there is to get into in a book such as this. Simon justifies his smartmouth ways by saying he just can't help himself, but really it is clear that he just doesn't want to help himself. He may not want to help himself because of what is threatened every time he doesn't. Since Simon is the one telling the story, we're supposed to feel bad for him, he is supposed to be the sympathetic narrator. In reality, there is evidence to suspect that he is just as bad as Santa, he just doesn't wanna admit it to himself!

The start of the book, we see Santa take a few victims. I can't help but think if the entire book was told like this first chapter was, I would have loved it. It was sort of horror mixed with comedy and only a little bit of body fluid jokes. I enjoyed this first chapter a lot. Unfortunately, after this we jump to Simon's backstory, on how he became an elf. Then it was Santa's turn, which turned into Mrs. Claus, and then into Rudolph. This is basically a collection of histories.

This actually wouldn't have been too bad, if they actually really told a story with their story. We don't get a firsthand account of them. We're getting them through Simon's eyes, and he has to tell every little thing that happens to him as if it is part of the story. So we end up getting every time one of the three talks bad about him, every time Simon ends up mouthing off, every time they get sidetracked. It is more a collection of jokes at Simon's expense than a story. Especially since the stories themselves aren't anything special. They have a beginning, but their middles and endings are lost for me in the sidetracked nature of the story.

I think Santa is a Vampire has a place if it finds the right reader. I was drawn to this because of how amazing an idea of a vampire Santa Claus is. I really, really wanted to like this. Unfortunately, it just didn't really hit what I was looking for. While I laughed at a few of the jokes, most of them fell flat for me. I think if this finds the audience it is looking for, this can do well.

Check this out if:

* you're looking for a darker Christmas tale

* you always thought Santa had to be eating people in order to gain that girth with how little food there is in the North Pole

* you always thought Rudolph was a bit of a jackass

Don't bother if:

* you have troubles with sexual violence

* crass humor and body fluid jokes don't tickle your funny bone

I received a copy of this book from netgalley in exchange for an honest review. Thank you to Damian Serbu, Ninestar Press, and netgalley for providing this copy for review!

This was definitely the weirdest book I've encountered this year.
The idea of Santa being a vampire seemed rather unique but I just couldn't finish the book because it is way too disturbing.
Simon is making fun of every sick thing vampire Santa does or says. I was hoping the book is going to be funny but it wasn't.

I’ll admit I was very intrigued by this. I loved the idea that Santa is actually a vampire and elves are enslaved humans.
It started well. Simon the Elf is telling Santa’s story through his journal.

‘So, if you’re reading it, I’m probably dead.’

So I loved the idea and I liked some of the sarky humour and conversations.

“Nope. You’ve taken well to my being a vampire.”
I jerked my head and stared at him. “Um, I wouldn’t say that.”
Santa nodded. “Yeah, it’s true. You’re handling it well.”
“No. I’m not.” I shook my head.
“Trust me. I’m an expert on these things. You’re doing well. So it’s decided!”

But (and I’m so sorry to say this) it just didn’t work.
Simon was too much and Santa wasn’t at all how I’d imagined he’d be. I wanted him to be dark but still likeable. And while he does kill a lot of people the flatulence for one thing gave it a stupid schoolboy feel.
I really struggled to finish and ended up skimming the last half just to make it to the end.

I voluntarily read a review copy kindly provided by NetGalley.