Wow what an amazing debut novel from Kate Elizabeth Russell! The writing in this book was phenomenal. The author has such a way in her writing style where she pulls your heart out and puts it back, but it doesn’t feel the same. Though she does a great job tackling on controversial and sensitive topics, I definitely had to take my time with this book. There were times where the scenes evokes such emotions that I had to put it down and get back to it. Without giving too much away, it really made me think on a higher level what consent is, how sexual power is used, and what psychological grooming is, and what’s healthy and what’s not in relationships. This was such a resonating read that it left me in a book hangover. Though this was a 5 star read for me, I would recommend reading this book only if you read the synopsis above and feel that you are emotionally equipped to handle this.

This story goes back and forth in time from when Vanessa started attending a boarding school at 15 years of age and has a relationship with her 42 year old English teacher and in her later years when she is a 32 year old adult.
Vanessa had a dark side, kept to herself.. quite a solitary personality. Her teacher paid her a lot of attention and complimented her and loaned out his favorite books to her etc.. she actually started seeking him out, felt special and felt powerful over his reactions to her. Then a sexual relationship started.
At the time she is 32, the Me Too movement is all over the news..some other women have also accused this teacher, whom she has kept in touch with and who consumes her entire life.. she’s always considered this a real relationship.. love.. she loved him, felt he loved/loves her.
This is a story that brings up a lot of questions about victimhood, consent
This story is about Vanessa a 15 year old girl who attends boarding school and begins an affair with her 42 year old English teacher. The affair lasts until she is 21 years old. Too old for him to be attracted to her anymore. We see how this relationship nearly destroys her. Yet, all the while she is quick to defend him and their relationship. Even after several girls come forward also accusing him of abuse. Vanessa doesn't believe these other women as he only had eyes for her. She was his one true love. She felt as if they were two dark spirits brought together. Fate.

Could not put this book down and didn't want it to end in spite of the dark, often disturbing, subject matter. As many other readers and critics have already observed, Russell has created a nuanced, layered, well-drawn world full of psychologically complex and believable characters. Her protagonist, Vanessa, is eminently empathetic, even as she self-sabotages and self-destructs in the wake of her early abuse. An important addition to literature exploring sexual abuse and the non-linear path of recovery for survivors.

This book is brilliant, dark, disturbing, horrifying and impossible to put down. I wanted to put it down because the content was so heartbreaking, but I couldn't stop until I finished the book.

Big red flashing content warnings are necessary - this book is about how Vanessa's teacher groomed her when she was 15, raped her and traumatized her so much that even 17 years later she can't admit to herself that what happened to her was rape. The book goes back and forth between 2000 when Vanessa first met Strane and 2017 when she is forced to relive those years after another former student of Strane's accuses him of inappropriate conduct.

It's heartbreaking as we see Vanessa going back and forth between insisting that this was a romantic relationship that she was ready for and wanted but also slowly coming to see the ways he groomed her and manipulated her for years and continued to manipulate her when his world came crashing down. I can see how some readers would get frustrated with Vanessa for holding onto to the belief that this was love, but I just felt deeply sorry for both Vanessa the child and Vanessa the broken adult.

This book is important, but it's also very hard to read.

My Dark Vanessa is a gut-wrenching read that is beautifully written. I truly enjoyed this novel, but it was hard to stomach at times given the subject matter. Some of the scenes are a bit graphic, but I think it was to highlight the abuse that Vanessa suffered. This is definitely not a book for everyone and deals with some really heavy subject matter such as sexual assault/harassment, rape, and emotional abuse.

The book starts off following Vanessa in the year 2000, when she is 15 years old. She goes to a private school away from home and is a bit of a loner, having had a falling out with her only real friend on campus the previous semester. She catches the eye of a new teacher at the school, a much older man in his 40's, Jacob Strane. He starts paying her a lot of attention and gradually works his way up to kissing her and then sexually abusing her. Vanessa does not see herself as being abused, she is in love with this man and him with her. Vanessa is now 32 years old and that same teacher is being accused of sexual misconduct with other students that have come forward. She is asked to tell her story, but does not believe that she is a victim. She believed that he loved her, so how could it have been abuse? She does not believe that he did anything to any other student because he was in love with her, she is special to him.

This story was so raw and intense. You were able to see everything from Vanessa's point of view, but saw things that she didn't understand herself. I think that this story is told so well because you can see when Strane starts to cross the line with Vanessa, but she is unable to see that for herself. He picks her to abuse because of the fact that she is someone who doesn’t really have friends and is lonely. This story really resonated with me because I feel like I was so vulnerable around this age and could see myself being swept up in believing an older man loved me.

Vanessa really makes you question everything when she is asked to tell her story and refuses. If the victim doesn't believe she is a victim, then how do you proceed? She sees their story as a love story, not one of abuse. Clearly she is still a victim, but no one can force her into getting help and she should not be made to tell her story if she does not wish to.

It is hard to believe that this is the first novel by this author; I truly hope she continues writing more thought-provoking works.

Arc provided by publisher via Netgalley.

This was an incredibly uncomfortable read--as it should. Vanessa is just 15 when she starts a sexual 'relationship" with her 42 year old English Teacher. She does not see herself as or believe she is a victim. She believes it was love and she was to blame because she had the power to destroy him by telling. She doesn't tell, but another student several years later does--and that story is part of the #MeToo movement. The press and subsequent victim Taylor both try to get Vanessa to talk, but she will not. Still, as she ages, she realizes that just as Jacob said, he would, she was destroyed by this "relationship".

This is an important book because it has people talking about what is abuse and who gets to make that decision. While all 50 states say they do if one of the people in the relationship is under the age of 16, it simply isn't that clear cut.. While the reader can see clearly Jacob's manipulation of Vanessa, she is not convinced. She doesn't want to come forward because he has told her--she will no longer hold her own story, her narrative, and will always be linked to the "abuse". And he isn't wrong when he tells her this--victims are often shamed, blamed, and marginalized when this type of thing happens.

It is a thoughtful and thought provoking book. Vanessa is very fully developed, but most of the other characters are rather thin. But this is Vanessa's story, and it is not all that uncommon for a 15 year old to see only one dimension in people. As she ages, this continues, which is one area where things don't feel fully fleshed out.

I would have liked to see the character of Taylor far more fully realized--I just am unable to judge much about her and her story. She says she and Jacob didn't have sex, but she knows she was abused. I believe her--far more than I trust Vanessa's judgment of anything.

It is worth noting--there is a lot of romanticized sex in this book. While Vanessa often checks out--she acknowledges it feels good and she craves it. That is NEVER spoken of when we discuss sexual abuse. Just because it is abuse, does not mean the body feels zero pleasure when it is happening. And that lack of conversation is dangerous--it is the kind of thing that makes a victim question if this is abuse, or if there is something wrong with them. Sadly, teens are often quick to blame themselves when they do something "wrong" and enjoy it--including sex. This is why this book is important--it can help to expand the discussion of what does a victim of sexual abuse go through--we seem to simply accept that they are broken/hurt by the abuse, but we never seem to discuss any feelings they may have, including positive feelings. Vanessa thought she was loved, worshiped even, and thought that made her lucky. Hell--isn't that what we all want? Haven't most of us trusted and believed someone loved us, when in fact they did not? These are important things to think about, and ultimately to read about.

I suspect there will be many titles on this topic in the coming years. Society is wrestling with this very sticky and horrid and uncomfortable subject, mostly unsuccessfully. Hopefully literature can do better.

This book has some important things to say. It is a very disturbing read, but I enjoyed it. Vanessa’s point of view from her teenage years to adulthood shows how damaged a person can be from such experiences. I loved be real the story felt and it ended in hope; not a tidy fairy tale ending. This book may be hard to read but it’s worth it.

I would like to thank NetGalley, the publisher, and the author for giving me the opportunity to read this book in exchange for my honest review.

Powerful and complicated. An interesting update on Lolita for the #metoo era. Vanessa is a frustrating, but realistic, character.

Ugh. I'm sorry but this wasn't for me. It's really tough subject matter and I know it's supposed to make the reader uncomfortable, because the teacher is awful and a rapist. Nonetheless, scenes felt eroticized. The book could have been edited down more as well.

I felt unsettled and on edge while reading this book, which I am guessing will be a common reaction. This is a compelling novel that is also oftentimes extremely difficult to read, and yet it's a story that needs to be told & heard. My heart aches for Vanessa, and for the women whose real lives mirror her fictional one.

This book was so devastating and so important.

There have definitely been other books that depict this kind of too-young/too-old relationship into a central part of a novel, but this is the first one I've read to really tackle the how and why this kind of thing happens from the perspective of a woman struggling and grappling to figure out how she feels about it, and the actual trauma only revealing itself later. Russell does such a masterful job distinguishing the woman in current time (2017) from the girl in the past (early 2000s). I was so immersed in her experiences as a girl, I could so easily see how this happened, the complexity of how she felt about it happening, and so easily see how it unraveled her for the future. She had to undo so much, and examine how the power dynamic alone was such a huge element of their relationship, the need for approval was so clear and so palpable that the fuzzy, icky, painful parts of the relationship, sort of dissolved in a way. And to also, on top of that, examine how something much less intense and overt, such as an unwanted touch of bare skin on the knee by an adult/man, can do just as much damage to a girl/woman.

Russell did an amazing job really immersing the reader in how it might feel, this "grooming," and to connect the reader to the idea that while a teenager can somehow exude maturity and power, she is STILL A TEENAGER, and the emotional ramifications can be really devastating to her. Even adding in whether it's appropriate for other women to shame-force a woman to confess her own abuse or assault or harassment (p.s. it's not). The author just really wove every important element into this book, without shoving your face into her point, which made it feel so effortless to consume such a powerful work.

This is a very powerful book, with very accomplished prose and narrative style. The pacing of the first half was incredible - I spent hours on what I felt was a page-turner, compelled to find out what happens to Vanessa even though I was gripped by repulsion and fascination in equal measure. The author brings us uncomfortably close to an illicit relationship between student and teacher, and through Vanessa's eyes we see how so many young women fall prey to these abusers. I thought Vanessa's voice was very well done. It's clear Vanessa believes she wants this, 100%, and still somewhere in the back of her mind is a voice crying out that this is 100% wrong. The author accomplishes this complexity through the language Vanessa uses in her narration, as well as drawing on the perspectives of other survivors. Taken as a whole, the book illuminates for readers the fact that no #MeToo narrative will be completely like another, and no survivor will have the same exact experiences as another.

I can see where and why this book will have its popularity, particularly on the heels of the #MeToo Movement during which it is set. But I see that as appealing to a very particular interest group. This book was incredibly tough to read, as it should be. However, I found that when I reached the halfway point I felt strongly that the book should have been resolving a lot sooner. The book simply goes on too long, and I found myself skimming through several of the remaining chapters. I felt the bulk of the narrator's story had seen its resolution, particularly in regards to her relationship with her teacher. I couldn't imagine how still half the story was left to be told, and felt a conclusion had already been reached. I felt there were two books compressed into one, with Vanessa's affair and then the written exposé with fellow survivors taking up two separate plots. While I very much appreciated the dual timeline narratives interwoven with one another, maybe this contributed to the issue. I wish there had been more involvement by other characters throughout the course of the novel - like Vanessa's parents, or Taylor, who take up big portions of both timelines.

A powerful read all the same. I would recommend this novel to readers only with particular interest in the #MeToo Movement or similar subjects, and I would recommend this book for purchase by my library system. While I have yet to read Excavation by Wendy C. Ortiz, I am aware of the current controversy surrounding the two works (accusations of plagiarism, chiefly). I believe the conversation generated by this controversy is an important one to have, particularly in believing survivors, allowing them to share their stories, or allowing them to maintain their privacy, as both choices are rightfully theirs. I hope both My Dark Vanessa and Excavation become key books for discussion and public awareness as we surge through the aftermath of #MeToo.

A generally uncomfortable read, but for very relevant reasons. The discomfiture and courage it takes to examine past relationships and interactions in light of changing world views is presented clearly, with our protagonist struggling to understand what her teenage self might have missed. Generally well written, but not always compelling to the point of keeping me going through my own discomfort with the content.

I absolutely loved this book! Don't get me wrong... It was utterly and completely heartbreaking, but it was so well written! This story is fiction, but it reads so raw and real that I imagined it as a documentary. I felt like I was sitting with Vanessa; chatting with her, hanging on to her every word. I was sucked in, listening to her thoughts, sympathizing and empathizing with all her mixed up feelings about her relationship with her teacher that began when she was 15 years old. The story is so disturbing and gut wrenching it was hard to read. Yet at the same time, it was so difficult to put down. I stayed up til 3AM completely entranced.

This would make for an awesome book discussion. How would you react? What would you think? How would you feel? There are so many layers and perspectives, but here's the thing... almost everyone knows of a "Vanessa." It might not have been a teacher, or someone of prestige or authority, but these situations do occur. Vanessa could be your daughter, your sister, your bestfriend... she could be you, she could be me... and THAT is the beauty and the tragedy of this book. It hits close to home, it's comforting and scary, it's heartbreaking but it also offers a bit of encouragement and hope. ❤

*** Thank you to Netgalley and HarperCollins (William Morrow) for the advanced copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

I would recommend this book. There were times when I didn't care much for the narrator, but it is well-written, and an excellent jump off for further reading. I found it to be an emotional rollercoaster ride that I identified with more often than I care to admit publicly.

Where to start with this review? It's a well written novel with a carefully thought out storyline. This usually leads to a good read for me. Unfortunately, you have to get past the stomach churning subject matter to really appreciate it. Vanessa is 15 and truly believes her 42 year old teacher and her have a legitimate relationship. The teacher is so creepy, every time they get together I want to barf. This book enraged me and that's saying something since we're talking about fictional characters here. I'd love to see what this writer could do with a less triggering subject. Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for the advance copy in exchange for an honest review.

What a dark and heavy read that left me with so much to ponder. I really appreciated this book, though I can't say that I enjoyed reading it. Vanessa was such a complex and interesting character. I felt for her. Kate Russell did a masterful job of capturing the inner workings of this kind of abusive relationship - truly spectacular. If I let go of my sensibilities for a moment, I could almost understand how Vanessa believed that initiated this relationship, how she felt that it was mutual and consensual. The grooming process and emotional abuse were described in a way that made it clear the level of manipulation that is involved in pedophilia, and how it can be applied so deftly that victims feel truly responsible. I would have liked more from all of the side characters - Jenny, Vanessa's mom, her former boyfriend - but perhaps these people are underdeveloped on the periphery because that's how Vanessa saw them. She had tunnel vision for Strane and saw little else.

I won't stop thinking about this book for a while. And I passed on Lolita in high school and college, but now I may consider it, though probably not right away.

My Dark Vanessa was riveting-as a character study of a child that is seduced leaving her with ongoing trauma. The story is told through the voice or Vanessa and toggles between her present day life and memories of her relationship as it unfolded in her early teens at a prestigious boarding school. Artfully done. I look forward to recommending this titles to many readers.

An incredibly powerful and well-written book about abuse, power, and what it means to be complicit. Reading Vanessa's story was challenging, but I'm glad that I stuck with it. I'm amazed at the author's ability to show the reader how Strane so subtly manipulated Vanessa into thinking she was complicit and to blame for the abuse she suffers. It is an incredibly sad story, but I'm so glad that I was able to read this fictional story of survival that so many women have had to experience. Thank you to Kate Elizabeth Russell, William Morrow, and Netgalley for the preview copy!

Beautifully written and powerful, this debut novel covers a disturbing story. Vanessa is 15 when she is groomed and raped by her boarding school teacher. Her young, impressionable brain sees this a love affair, but as she grows older she has to learn how to come to terms with what really was going on and the impact it has had on her life. It's an intense story, but a compelling read.