No wonder I can't sleep! Too much noise to filter! This is a really good read about the stress and burdens on women ages 40-60. It's well researched, easy to follow, makes perfect sense. This book provides the reader with insight regarding the need to 'keep up' and gives permission to not do so. Thank you, Net Galley, for the opportunity to read in exchange for an honest review. 4 Stars

In preparing to write this review I made some notes, three pages of notes. It got out of hand. The main take away in my note taking was how much I saw myself in the book, and how much I did not. Yes, I’m a woman of Generation X and do have trouble sleeping sometimes. This book is not about how to find solutions to that problem. Instead it gives us many reasons why mid-life women of GenX are having difficulties. There’s a lot of comparison to other generations: previous one, Boomers as parents, and the kids, as Millennials. We also have some comparisons on how male mid-life crises differ from women.

For the most part, I did enjoy reading the book, as it brought up reasons why this generation did things as they have so far, with parenting, or choosing not to have kids. The delays in marriage and how our prospects, in general, were the first to be expected to be worse than the parents. Some topics seemed to have never been mentioned before (or at least in mainstream consciousness). Yet this book doesn’t cover everything for all women born in the years of roughly 1967-1980. One of the most glaring to me was this book is mostly about middle class women, especially those who graduated college. There are a few nods to people outside that area, but not much.

The last chapter was one that tried to sum up and find personal solutions. I think for the author, she did find ways to cope better and enjoy life more. Hopefully the book will help other women of this era, and maybe a few outside of the targeted demographic.

I've finally finished this book, which is basically a pity dump for upper middle-class 40-something, privileged white women. Wow, what a lot of navel gazing and self absorption.

The author finished writing this book as she turned 42, which I don't even consider midlife (I guess I'm an optimist but I'm aiming higher than 84). I have a vivid memory of when I was 42. This memory rarely leaves me. I was sitting in an empty lobby in a children's hospital with my 6 month-old baby in my arms. Two janitors went by pushing garbage cans. Over the loudspeaker, a woman said that business hours were over and recited a prayer that echoed through the emptied space. Through two double doors, surgeons were performing emergency surgery on my 13 year-old oldest child's jawline where sepsis had set in following surgery two weeks earlier. Techs had been unable to find her veins for hours to get painkillers into her to try to control her incredible pain, and she'd spent a feverish night in our tiny hometown hospital the night before where morphine didn't make a dent in her pain and a nurse angrily told her "crying like that isn't going to make it any better." We'd rushed her to her oncologist an hour and a half away in the morning, who had recommended emergency surgery. Only days before, we'd found out that the large lump that the doctors had dismissed as a cyst was cancer, but it wasn't even the most dangerous medical reality because infection was spreading into her bloodstream and it could quickly turn fatal. I had called my best friend in Nebraska the night before and said that I didn't even know how to feel when the fact that my child had cancer was not even the scariest thing we were dealing with. The worry during those days was such an intense, visceral pain that it made it hard to breathe, much less sleep. She beat the cancer and the sepsis but the years that followed led to even more medical emergencies and more surgeries. At only 21 now, our oldest child has had three surgeries above the neck for three separate medical issues, which doesn't even make a dent in the dozen other medical crises that have arisen.

That keeps me awake at night.

Worrying about whether my kids will even have a livable planet when they are my age keeps me up at night. Seriously, the odds are against our children making it to middle age, according to an awful lot of scientists. I was a little baffled by Calhoun's apparent complete lack of worry for her child or for younger generations.

The deaths of an endless stream of good friends and family members keeps me up at night. I've lost my mother, father, aunts, grandparents and every relative but a distant mean aunt and a very nice cousin and his kids who live far away. Friend after friend has died, yet another last week in a pretty gobsmackingly tragic way (and my poor 21 year old was there when it happened).

Grief keeps me up at night. Deep, profound worry about my kids keeps me up at night. To be honest, the election of Donald Trump and all that he did to vulnerable people caused me a fair number of sleepless nights. And yeah, hot flashes do a bit of that too. But mostly deep and profound worry about others keeps me up at night.

But despite all that, I am a pretty happy and content person. I really like my life. It would be great if loved ones would stop dying and terrible things didn't keep me up at night with worry, but it's not about me. Good grief. It's other people that keep me from sleeping at 3 a.m., not the stuff in this book.

Some of Calhoun's points are valid in terms of caring for elderly parents and regrets, but for the most part she is so incredibly entitled and self absorbed that I hate-read this book.

I know how lucky I am. Women my age are terrified of being deported or of losing their children, are caring for kids with terminal illnesses, are buried in debt and facing homelessness, and living with diseases that fill their lives with pain and challenges...

This book highlights how incredibly lucky many modern (American, white, middle class) women are, not unlucky. The irony is that only those on the outside will ever see that.

I read a digital ARC of this book for the purpose of review.

In WHY WE CAN'T SLEEP, Ada Calhoun shares the stories of women at mid-life, the reckonings and realizations and resolutions that are too often unacknowledged or dismissed. While I am not in the particular cohort of women facing mid-life that she focuses upon, every single point rings true. I delighted in the stories, the individuals she encountered, and the conclusions she reached as a result of her journey into unseen, unexplored, rich, wild territory.

When the "Who is Generation X?" type stories came out in the 1990s, I thought I was one of them, both in personality and by virtue of being born in 1983. Then suddenly, the idea of Generation Y emerged. Then early-80s babies were folded in with Millennials because of graduating in the 2000s. Then someone came up with the awful-looking moniker Xennial to describe being sandwiched between the already sandwiched GenXers and the prized Millennials. Personally, I've always felt closer to Generation X, but some folks bristle at anyone born post-1980 trying to identify with them. So I requested a review copy of this book nervously, as if it might be revoked. But the author immediately comforted me with these words:
"Whether to identify as Gen X is a decision every woman must make for herself, but I believe that if, like me, you were a kid in the Reagan years, had a Koosh ball, or know what sound a dial-up modem makes, you count."
And that's the kind of soothing inclusiveness that permeates the book.

A sleep study guide it is not, but there are plenty of those out there. This is a reckoning with identity, expectations, and society. One of my favorite lines: :The world ignores middle-aged women at its peril."

Thanks to the publishers and NetGalley for a digital ARC.

Why We Can’t Sleep by Ada Calhoun
Book Review by Dawn Thomas

Pages
Publisher: Grove Atlantic / Grove Press
Release Date: January 7, 2020

Non-Fiction, Women’s Midlife-Crisis, Generation X

I looked at this book for a while before deciding to read it. I should have read it sooner. The author interviewed over 200 women born within 1964-1980 and asked them life related questions. The topics ranged from finances, education, housing, family relationships, job opportunities, etc. I could relate with so many of the responses. In addition to the answers from interviews, the author also adds her own stories.

This book is well written, easy to read and very relatable. I felt this book was written just for me and I was born in 1961. I highly recommend this book if you are in this age range or close to it and have faced or are facing these types of stressful issues. This book will show you are not alone in your feelings.

Ada Calhoun has put a lot of research into this excellent book, though it lacked an intersectional lens. As a millennial, I didn't connect with a lot of this book but the audience is explicitly Gen X, so that's to be expected. I would've appreciated a bit more attention paid to institutional and structural barriers that women of color, women in poverty, immigrant women, and other marginalized women face.

This is a Netgalley ARC review. All opinions are solely my own.

As a Generation X woman, Why We Can't Sleep by Ada Calhoun, seemed like a piece of self help reading I would find insightful. I was correct. This book gives us some very generational insights into why we can't sleep and offers some ideas.

I could personally relate to almost every chapter but most telling is chapter 7, "Single, Childless." This was my chapter. While I have amazing female friends most of them are married and/or divorced with children. They do not fully sympathize with the struggles that someone single and unable to have children faces.

I will keep this book on my shelf for future reference.

As soon as I saw this title Why we can’t sleep, I knew I had to read it. I’m almost 40 and could totally relate to what the author was saying about generation x’ers. I found this to be a very interesting read.

Why We Can’t Sleep’ Can’t Convince
Ada Calhoun’s Mostly Disappointing Treatise About the Problems Of Gen-X Women
January 15, 2020 Paula Shaffer
Though they’re closing the wage gap, facing less sexism than their mothers, and living with men who actually contribute around the house, the women of Gen X somehow still find themselves mired in misery. Ada Calhoun’s new book, Why We Can’t Sleep, sets out to chronicle every teensy pebble on this particular generational pathway of discontent. Instead of writing the ultimate Riot Grrl friendly treatise for the XX sector of her generation, she’s produced a mostly disappointing book that reads almost exactly like its source material, a viral Oprah.com article first published in 2017.

The children of Generation X, born between 1965-1980, grew up en masse in households with working moms, divorcing parents, and constant TV. Sesame Street was so grim, DVDs of early episodes now contain parental warnings. The news warned us of an impending Ice Age. Very special sitcom episodes exposed the nefarious dangers lurking everywhere. With so much doom and gloom media to choose from, Calhoun selects the annoyingly catchy “bring home the bacon” jingle for Enjoli, the 8-hour perfume for the 24-hour woman, as the formative pop culture of the era. To her, this earworm is the key to the Gen-X lady’s psyche and her overzealous need to do it all. That’s some mighty powerful advertising.

And the Space Shuttle Challenger explosion? Calhoun frames it as a traumatic touchstone that forever warped the X-ers. Based on my own foggy childhood memories, she’s correct to assume the spectacle left kids with a load of questions and absolutely no answers. That day shook us as a group. The concept of processing and thoughtful discussion permeating today’s culture simply didn’t exist for the children of Gen X; we grew up witnessing too much while those around us explained too little. Data about the dire mental health and unique stressors of our generation reveals the ramifications of this collective trauma. And Calhoun loves sharing data.

Marching Through the Middle Years
While an endless sea of facts contextualizes our situation, it fails to explain the miasma of those currently marching through their middle years. Why Can’t We Sleep purports to be a survival manual for the once starry-eyed ‘80s girls, who are now, according to Calhoun, exhausted, isolated, and struggling women. She’s personally disappointed because she, along with the members of her sardonic X-er sisterhood, set out to have everything, but instead of conquering the world, we ended up lugging around a sad sack full of burdens. She speculates the members of the most judgmental generation don’t feel that life failed us, but instead, that we failed at life.

Though single women get a periodic shout out, lesbians are mostly invisible here, and there’s largely a presumption of heteronormative relationships, with nary a reflection upon the way our haphazard childhoods influenced the roles we perform within them. Also, noticeably lacking is respect for the men we’ve built our lives with and around, or consideration for the influence of our shifting gender roles on their lives.

Instead, Calhoun observes that while moms often work full-time, they still manage to wrangle endless school emails, which seemingly bombard mothers and eschew fathers. She talks about a friend who discovered her husband’s interest in polyamory from an Amazon order notification, and another friend who scrambled to save money via discounted canned foods while her husband proudly declared his choice to eat out to help her around the house by saving cooking and clean up time. She wants to demonstrate that a lack of time, money, and support is part of the package of being a Gen-X lady.

While these intentionally vague stories ring true, I’m not sure how random examples of men being dumdums builds a case for the midlife woman’s imminent martyrdom. We may be overexerting ourselves while scads of manchildren have no idea what to do, but these observations never truly explain Why We Can’t Sleep while the men around us apparently can.

Straight Talk About Perimenopause
Finally, after all the data-dumping and abundant complaining, the book pivots towards terrain directly pertaining to women of a certain age, mainly, straight talk about perimenopause and menopause. Calhoun theorizes that perimenopause particularly beleaguers the ladies of Gen-X because nobody talks about it, stress makes it worse, and we erroneously shun effective hormone replacement therapy because of its shady past links to breast cancer. Somehow, only one in four gynecologists receives proper training about this stage of the lifecycle, so when our hormones rage, we blame ourselves instead of understanding our moods. Perimenopause also lasts about a decade, and can cyclically rage then rest throughout that entire time. Though the book is wildly flawed, it’s possible those who push through it will find this a useful starting point for conversation and education about Their Changing Bodies.

After heaps of portentous doom, Why We Can’t Sleep unexpectedly closes with an almost Elizabeth Gilbert-ish call to action, encouraging readers to be kind to themselves, reframe experiences, and seek a release valve for the needless pressures we ceaselessly pile on ourselves. Calhoun encourages women to drop the guilt and build a tribe. She concedes that though we don’t have it all, we can choose to enjoy what we do have, right now, despite our obstacles, and there’s no shame in that.

Overall, Why We Can’t Sleep seems like a disparate series of long-form articles mushed into one book rather than the cohesive, empowering tome it was clearly meant to be, perhaps symbolically embodying the generation it explains. Maybe some will read this book shouting “Yes! Yes! Yes!” like Meg Ryan in a deli. Admittedly, sometimes stats, stories, and suggestions go a long way towards easing our suspicious Gen-X minds. If we understand why we feel a particular way, and recognize we’re not alone, maybe we can find relief, relax a little, and sometimes even fall into a quite restful slumber.

This is a fascinating and engaging look at a the misunderstood and often overlooked situation impacting Gen X women who are perpetually exhausted. The book examines factors that lead to these feelings, the struggles this group identifies and deals with, and expresses empathy and education for the ways in which we can be helpful and understanding. I enjoyed it and found it incredibly eye-opening.

Being born in 1983, I am an old Millennial not a Gen-Xer who is the main group for this book. Some of the lists and suggestions were helpful and lots of good advice; There is a lot to worry about in today's world that can add to the stress of falling asleep and staying asleep. I felt this was too much of a focus on unhealthy lifestyle and making small changes, but this isn't new information.

I found myself immersed in some chapters and skimming the rest but all in all an ok read. This is not a cure all kind of a book for issues with sleep. Some good information and some repetitive old information with thorough research.

Thanks to NetGalley, the publisher and author for an ARC in exchange for honest review.

If you are close to your forties. Questioning life. Not sleeping. Thinking of things you should have done. Mistakes you made. Paths not taken. Life. Our choices. This is for us woman. Give it a read. You won't regret it. #whywecantsleep #adacalhoun #netgalley #bookreview #books

I had no idea I would be so invested in this book once I got started! A wonderful look at GenX women and the stresses that keep them up at night. As a GenX myself I was for some reason surprised that I could relate to so many topics in this book. I appreciated something written from women's point of view and also from a generational point of view. This book was not at all dull and I couldn't put it down. I received an ARC but will be going to pick up a physical copy so I can highlight and make notes.

Review of: Why We Can't Sleep by Ada Calhoun
I received an ARC of this book via NetGalley in exchange for my honest review. Here goes.

I picked up Why We Can't Sleep because I've struggled with insomnia for most of my adult life. Although the book is written for the women of Generation X, I felt that as an older millennial (1985) who has trouble sleeping I was close enough to the target audience to justify reading and reviewing this book. While there were portions that were relevant to me, I really wouldn't recommend this book for Millennials, and I definitely wouldn't recommend it to Boomers. The book is dismissive of other generation's struggles and I found this off-putting to say the least.

The book is divided into eleven chapters with each chapter delving into a different aspect of why Gen X women can't sleep. Topics include biological factors that affect sleep such as Peri-menopause, as well as cultural and personal factors such as worry over crushing debt and struggling relationships. Although each chapter was well researched, there were many instances where the author included quotes and stories from her personal friends. While I feel that every woman's voice is valuable and it's important to look at the people behind the statistics, there were times when including her friends' experiences without providing credentials or some type of background information about her friends weakened the point the author was trying to make..It seemed like most of the author's friends were from the middle and upper classes and this resulted in women in poverty being underrepresented.

This book does a fantastic job of validating the average Gen X woman's experience. The author recognizes that in situations where there are no easy answers sometimes the best remedy is the support of others who have been there too. Overall, this book was well-written and well-researched, but it wasn't for me and that's okay.
Rating 3/5

Gen X: The Between Generation

Gen Xers, both women and men, grew up in a rapidly changing world, but perhaps it was changing most for women. WWII was over, the men were home, many women were stay-at-home moms, but there were plenty of them to share experiences with in their neighborhoods. Their daughters grew up looking for something more, encouraged to stretch for the stars, have it all.

Now the Gen Xers are middle-aged. Many have more than their parents, but they’re not happy, and they don’t know why. They succeeded, perhaps not as well as they hoped, but they have jobs, they’re married and have children. There are many reasons for this malaise some real, some imagined. Calhoun does an excellent job of researching the causes and presenting her findings.

I think the best part of this book is making people feel that they’re not alone, and they’re not imagining things. Being sandwiched between aging parents and children entering the job market is stressful. The prevalence of communication is new. Growing up many Gen Xers had only television with rabbit ears on the top, or an antennae on the roof. Now they can carry their entertainment around in their purse. Neighborhood coffee klatches may have had problems for their mothers, but social media contacts are a whole new phenomena, not always pleasant.

If you’re a Gen Xer, this is a must read. If you’re in one of the generations on either side, this can be a helpful book for you, too.

I received this book from Net Galley for this review.

Thanks to Net Galley and the publisher for this ARC!

The premise of Ada Calhoun’s Why We Can’t Sleep is simple – to investigate why Gen X women are struggling in midlife – but the takeaway is impressive, whether you belong to Gen X. In a voice that is never preachy and is full of the compassion we all wished we could regard ourselves with, Calhoun begins with the premise that women’s lives have improved over the past 35 years – but that their level of happiness has not. Calhoun writes, “So many Gen X women were told that they were raised believing that if you don’t care about everything, you’re squandering opportunity. They felt pressure to take advantage of all the chances their mothers and grandmothers didn’t have. And they’ve worn themselves out in the process.”

Writing about the Boomer Generation and Millennials alongside the ladies the study focuses on, Calhoun traces a history we should be familiar with: the history of women entering the workplace in higher numbers, “without any significant change to gender roles at home,” and without the support (spousal, governmental, etc.) to make this feasible. Further complicating things, women of this generation were told they could – and should – have it all leading to an increase in self-flagellation and shame when having it all proves harder than it looks. The particular and peculiar history of Gen X in regard to trauma, rising crime, and decreased parental supervision is examined.

While acknowledging plenty of gains and good news (closing wage gap, increased education, lower divorce rates, etc.), the book looks at the challenges facing Gen X women. Financially, this generation is downwardly mobile, has less in savings, has more debt. Some of the best-educated earners in history, Gen Xers are in worse financial shape than their parents. When it comes to family, Gen X is often torn between the needs of aging parents and raising small children. Healthwise, the health challenges that come with middle age (hers or a family members) may derail a woman’s career and decrease her earnings; perimenopausal complications are often pushed aside by women who fear being seen as less for struggling with these changes. A vexed relationship with advertising and consumerism, social media pressure, and too many choices leave women blaming themselves if they don’t end up with picture perfect families, impactful careers, and gorgeous bodies. Furthermore, capitalism capitalizes on women feeling bad about themselves by flooding our lives with products that will help us do more, be more, and look better.

Calhoun does not give any easy answers, and this isn’t an easy book to read. Despite that, I closed it feeling more hopeful about being a woman, about middle age, and about how much we have to teach (and learn) about each other. More books like this are needed to help each age and gender see each other – and each other’s challenges – more clearly.

An interesting read for any Gen Xers or anyone that knows one. It's nice, as a woman, to know that my anxieties and troubles are not just my own. And, while it is a serious topic, this book definitely had me laughing along the way.

ARC for NetGalley:

As someone who doesn't really believe that there are "true" generational differences (we are people after all and the generational differences argument is more capitalist nonsense made up by ad agencies to also pit people against one another....), I enjoyed reading this book about women in Gen X at midlife, as I am not that far removed from them.

"We diminish not only ourselves but our whole generation when we dismiss these women's complaints as unreasonable griping..."

Every woman between 40 - 60 years old should read this book!
It is so well researched, realistic and affirming - for all of us who feel we should not be allowed to be happy unless we are living perfect lives, having it all and doing it all correctly, at all times.
Whew, such a relief not to be compelled to "self-help" in order to be perfect at everything - if we are feeling overwhelmed at times, maybe it's because that being overwhelmed is a sane response to what is happening in our lives right now and we should give ourselves some slack and permission to accept and enjoy ourselves, good or bad, right now.
Ada Calhoun writes with many documented facts and explains historically why women in their 40's today have a particularly rough time of it. Not that women from the begining of time have had it easy, but with the advantages and stress of modern living, we feel guilty if we are not happily successful in everything.