This book is a great, in-depth look, at how to listen and why it's so vital. Murphy does a great job of digging into the art of listening, explaining it's vital role in our lives, and giving guidance on how to practice listening. I'll be re-reading this to glean more because one pass through was not enough.

5 helpful stars
I picked this book because I want to be a better listener. I was blown away by Murphy’s carefully researched, well organized book. You’re Not Listening is easy to understand and information is presented in an easy-to-read conversational manner.
“In modern life, we are encouraged to listen to our hearts, listen to our inner voices, and listen to our guts, but rarely are we encouraged to listen carefully and with intent to other people.” “To really listen is to be moved physically, chemically, emotionally, and intellectually by another person’s narrative.” Murphy’s book is both a lament of what’s lacking in our culture and a helpful how-to book of what can be with some effort and knowledge.
We’ve lost the ability to listen and exchanged it by the capacity to shut out everyone, “particularly those who disagree with us or don’t get to the point fast enough.” Loneliness is compounded by lack of listening. Poor listeners believe they are helping by finishing your sentences. Listening takes effort.
Other listening truths from Murphy: 1. Listening helps you understand yourself as much as those speaking to you. 2. Listening requires curiosity. 3. We can think a lot faster than someone can talk. (thus we plan what we can add before the speaker finishes.) 4. Trying to suppress your inner voice only gives it more power. It gets louder and more insistent, which makes some people get even busier and overscheduled to drown it out. 5. Good listeners are good questioners. Open and honest questions help people share their stories and concerns and discover resources within for next steps. 6. Listening is intricate and multisensory. Take care of your hearing.
This book gives concrete suggestions in a gentle way. “It’s okay to say, ‘I don’t know what to say…or I’d like to think about that.’” A chapter on improvisational listening asserts that good listeners must give over control and be in the moment. The chapter on Supporting, Not Shifting, the Conversation gives some helpful Don’ts, such as minimizing the talker’s concerns and immediately saying you know how they feel. (I tend to do this.). Good listeners pay attention to visual cues. It’s thought that 55% of the emotional content in speaking is transmitted nonverbally. Good listeners are comfortable with pauses and silence.
I am grateful to Netgalley and the publisher for providing an ARC of this book in exchange for an honest review.

This book is great! Would definitely recommend. Thanks so much to NetGalley and the publisher for the ARC.

This is such a timely book. We are going through a time in history in which we have unprecedented tools for communication, yet we have lost the ability to actually communicate: the process of conveying and perceiving nuance, listening to others, to ourselves, to those we like and those we dislike. This book doesn't have all the answers (and shouldn't be expected to), but is a good starting point for some much needed introspection. I am truly listening? Am I been heard? If not, why? What are we missing? What does research show? An interesting book for 'interesting' times.

I received an ARC in exchange for an honest review.

This is a useful guide to being a more curious and (actually) active listener. The key to good listening, Murphy argues, is not the tricks we've been taught - nodding, mirroring, paraphrasing, looking the speaker in the eye. Instead, we need to let ourselves actually be curious about what the other person is saying. In other words, rather than performing listening, we have to want to hear what is being said. Along the way, we need to quiet the whirling thoughts that distract us from hearing others, like when we start deciding what to say next while the person is talking.

One of the most effective anecdotes in the book is when she describes an improv comedy class she observed. In order to do good improv comedy, you have to really pay attention to what the other person is saying. This skill, Murphy points out, is great practice for being a better listener.

Loved this book! Great nonfiction storytelling is a strong skill of some writers and it’s so captivating when done well. Can’t wait to recommend this book!

I enjoyed many points the author makes. She says things that I took to heart, knowing I do them. I am guilty of not listening. She. Rings out things we do to show we aren’t listening that I hadn’t even realized. Eye-opening for sure! I’m thankful to the author, publisher and NetGalley for an ARC for my honest review.

I listened to the audio format of YOU'RE NOT LISTENING by Kate Murphy and enjoyed the real world examples and tangible advice. It is easy to confuse "hearing" with "listening," which Murphy describes as passive vs. active. Working on improving my listening skills is something I have wanted to do since I took on a managerial roles. Murphy's book gives real world examples and models that everyone can relate to. Her advice is tangible and can be implemented immediately. I enjoy personal development books when the advice is relatable and can be used right away. This is a great book if you want to improve your listening skills and I highly recommend the audiobook.

YOU'RE NOT LISTENING by Kate Murphy is subtitled "What You're Missing and Why It Matters." Murphy does an excellent job of helping readers to pause and really think about the importance of listening. She begins by saying, "If people are listening to anything, it's likely through headphones or earbuds, where they are safe inside their own curated sound bubbles; ... the result is a creeping sense of isolation and emptiness." Murphy's work is extremely well-researched -- she estimates that she spent close to two years examining academic research and interviewing people -- and that work is reflected in almost forty pages of notes and a helpful index. This is a critical book to read and reflect upon. Murphy, a journalist, points out that research shows "who we listen to shapes how we think and react ... the resulting understanding and connection influences how we process subsequent information." She devotes an entire chapter to listening to opposing views and "why it feels like being chased by a bear." Other chapters deal with conversational sensitivity, listening to yourself, and the growing addiction to distraction. Our Psych students will find much to explore here, including her discussion of different attachment styles (with continuums from secure to insecure and anxious to avoidant). Look for this book on our shelves soon.

This was a fascinating book. I think of myself as a good listener, but this book showed me many areas in which I can improve. I find myself recommending it often.

This was incredibly impactful and eye-opening, I've already found myself applying the lessons learned in this book. Incredible!

This was a really great read, full of personal anecdotes and entertaining to read about what could have been a dull subject. The author really gets across how important really hearing people is and goes about explaining how in a way that was fun to read.

When was the last time you felt like someone truly listened to you? And when was the last time you gave someone your full attention? Much of our world exists in a constant state of distraction, with phones in hands, laptops at coffee shops, and multitasking at work and home. We share our opinions on social media and hit "like" on the posts to which we agree. We hear each other, but we aren't actually listening. And as a result of this, we're lonielier than we've ever been. Kate Murphy has given us a gift with this book to shift our thinking and how we communicate. It's a reality check in all the ways that we don't actually listen, and she offers guidance on all the ways we can and should do better. Active Listening is a skill and this book offers the guidance to enhance those skills.

This is the most important book I've read in years! I was expecting it to be a dry science text, but it was fully engaging. The writing is simple and easy to understand. The author's tone is compassionate and it's obvious she cares a lot about improving people's lives with this book.

This isn't a book about how to be a good listener. It's about why we aren't good listeners. From a young age, we're taught to speak up. If you're "too quiet," someone will likely ask you what's wrong. Kate Murphy does an amazing job of explaining all the cultural components that have created a society full of people who talk over each other, without truly listening to what others have to say. She gives scientific explanations for how we listens and take in information. What I liked best was her interviews with people who listen for a living, such as an FBI hostage negotiator, a reporter, a salesman, and a hairdresser among others. They explain how listening promotes connection in their particular fields.

From start to finish, this book had me fully engaged. I learned a ton about how I can pay attention better in conversations, and how that will improve my relationships. It's a unique book in that it is not only science based but also addressed social science and emotional aspects of conversation and relationships. Everyone should read this book!

Such an important book for everyone to read. So many people like to talk, and at the same time, feel like they aren't being heard. This is definitely a helpful guide to how we can all learn to listen better to each other, in all areas of life. I will absolutely be taking tips from this book!

Kate Murphy has done a stunning job of discussing listening and emphasizing its importance in our society today where personal information is a premium and where algorithms are on the verge on taking over society. Murphy attacks her subject from all angles: neurology, sales, product evaluation, gossip, relationship building, empathy, and skills development. It is refreshing to read about listening rather than how to take over the conversation and project a dazzling image, The topics here will help individuals deal with tumultuous times socially, politically, and personally. Well researched and organized.

I must admit that I thought that I would request this book just out of pure curiosity. I thought I might read through it and gain a few insights here and there. Maybe learn a few tips and tricks to help me try to be a more active listener in my professional and personal life. I can assure you that I learned much more than that. I was impressed by this book in more ways than one.

First, the book was interesting. You're thinking, a book about listening, really? Yes, really. I was surprised myself that I enjoyed reading it and didn't find it to be a droll monotone of technical jargon. It was simple, straight forward insight that was backed with knowledgeable research. It never felt clunky or overpowering. Second, the book discussed a wide array of listening facets and how they affect us and the world around us. From the neuroscience of listening to social media's impact on listening to even just listening to yourself, this book has all aspects of listening covered.

While explaining the reasoning behind listening and how it affects the inner self, personal relationships, and world views, it also gives you an insight on how the understanding of all this makes you a better listener, and therefore a better person, friend, citizen, etc. In this book, the author will help you understand your craft, hone your craft, and let you know that it's okay to not listen sometimes. We're all human. But please, just try to slow down, take a moment, and listen. You might hear more than you think.

Great read, great insight. Enjoyed it and learned from it. Will be recommending to my library.

Thank you to NetGalley for an e-ARC of this book.

3.5 stars

This book was definitely an eye opener even for someone who didn't grow up with cell phones. It was actually easier to understand what the author was saying as I can walk down the street or just observe in a public place to see how people don't look up or talk let alone listen. The author provides ideas and tools to gain a better ability to listen. I thought most of the chapters were quick easy reads and then there were some that were very science based and dragged a little. Overall the book should be a required read for teenagers and college age students.
Thank you to NetGalley for an ARC of this book. This review is in my own words.

#You'reNotListening #NetGalley

I thought I was a pretty good listener until I read this book. I tend to interrupt because I feel talked over, this comes from being the youngest, of a large family. I learned some new skills on how to be a better listener when communicating. The author shares her research on listening and I found it to be a skill that I need to work on.

Could easily be the best book I’ll read in 2020. I read this advice book on a cruise and put the information I learned about listening skills right to work. Amazing how much better I listen when I am not thinking about what I am going to say, instead of listening to the other person, and basing the conversation on what they are sharing. There are lots of good examples given in the book. And it is short enough that you’ll soon be a better listener. Put down that smart phone and talk to someone.