You're Not Listening
by Kate Murphy

Too many years ago to mention, I wrote a research paper in college about listening. The premise was that people did not value, and were not good at that portion of the communication process. There wasn't much research then and it is still an overlooked skill today. Kate Murphy seeks to change that.

This well-researched book is extremely relevant today and is a must-read. "The ability to listen to anyone has been replaced by the capacity to shut out everyone, particularly those who disagree with us or don't get to the point fast enough." Not only are we not listening to each other, we are choosing to not even hear each other!

MRI studies have shown that close friends and family members who listen closely to each other have brains that process stimuli and messages the same way. When we say we are like-minded, it turns out we really are!

Unfortunately, we hear much more quickly than we speak. Many people who listen to podcasts and audiobooks are setting the playback speeds at up to 2 times the recorded rate. Listening at this speed denies the reader the ability to hear emotions and nuances in the story and they develop an inability to pay attention to people speaking at a normal pace.

My favorite quote was from scholar Ronald Sharp, "You're welcoming another person's words and feelings into your consciousness. You are allowing that person to cross over the threshold and take up residence in your world." Wow.

There was so much to learn and savor in this book. As we become digitally connected, we are losing our true inter-connectivity. This book provides an antidote to the former. I highly recommend.

Thank you to NetGalley and Celadon books for and eARC in return for an unbiased review.

I used to consider myself a pretty decent listener, but now I suspect I’m much worse than I thought. I found myself continually highlighting bits and noting down new topics to further research later. But more importantly, I found myself approaching conversations with much more awareness and care. You’re Not Listening was undertaken in response to the life so many of us seem to live tethered to an electronic device but it goes beyond, taking a look at a wide and fascinating array of situations where listening is important, and better listening could have life-quality changing results. Murphy comes across as down-to-earth and sneakliy funny at times. She weaves together a lot of experiences, thoughts, theories, physiological and psychological research with insightful analysis. There’s a lot to think about and apply to your life, so you can improve your own ability to listen. This is not a self-help book but a consciousness-raising book. I read Malcolm Gladwell’s Talking to Strangers and Jennifer Eberhardt’s Biased at about the same time.; while all explore different ramifications of not listening, of pre-judging, Murphy’s addresses how to combat the various reasons why we fail to truly pay attention and engage in a very relatable way.

"You're Not Listening" is a research-packed book by Kate Murphy. One of the main problems in America today (particularly in politics) is that we don't listen to each other. I enjoyed Murphy's example of listening as an empty cup you hold in front of you and fill with what other people are saying. Overall, I felt the book was fairly dry, but I can appreciate how well researched it was.

Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC. All opinions are my own.

*received a free copy from netgalley for honest review*

This was a great interesting read, I've read more than one book on the subject so, like it says In the book, it's not really anything new but it's presented in a great way. Even so it was a great read and I will certainly be recommending it to others.

The whole book was very fascinating and insightful, however I did find the parts about politics very simplified. I don't think you should cut people out of your life over little things but I know people who cut their daughter out of their life because she's gay, and the family cut her parents out to support her. People do have to keep in mind they could be wrong but I also think it's okay to cut hateful, toxic people from your life, even if they're family lol

I was excited to receive an advance physical copy of this book for my honest review. I’ve always wanted to become a better listener and this book has showed me the ways! “When all we crave is to understand and be understood, You’re Not Listening shows us how”. You’re Not Listening is a complete game changer that will transform all off your future conversations. This book is truly great and made me rethink so many things.

Have you ever had one of those conversations where the person you’re talking to keeps interrupting you? Or correcting you? Or they just hijack that conversation to start their own story? Of course you have. We all have. Maybe I should have asked if you’ve had that conversation today, because it happens so frequently. Listening is an art, maybe a lost art, but author Kate Murphy is here to teach us how to be the listener that our friends and family need.

She talks to the experts—from the CIA agent to the top radio interviewer to the greatest focus group moderator and so many more. Psychologists, researchers, neuroscientists, politicians, college professors, and doctors all weigh in on why it’s so difficult for us to focus, to set aside the voices in our heads, to stop planning what we want to say next, and to just be in the moment, in the conversation, giving all your attention to one other person. Because it is difficult. Listening is a choice. It is an action. It is a gift.

As all the technology we use every day sucks up our time and attention, the choice to stop looking at our phones or scrolling on our laptops is a gift we give to those we love. And the intimacy we are rewarded with is the best part of being human. That is the basis for You’re Not Listening, a book filled with all the things that keep us from being good listeners and how we can turn that around.

We only have so much energy. We can’t listen to everyone else, all the time. But when we make choices to listen to certain people in our lives—our families, our friends, our boss and coworkers—that reinforces those relationships, making them stronger and closer. Listening gives us the chance to collect important information. It opens up opportunities. It brings us awareness of issues we’d not known about. It reawakens our souls.

Perhaps the best thing about You’re Not LIstening (aside from the insider stories about people like Oliver Sacks, Richard Feynman, Terry Gross, and the Second City improv program) is just the gentle but persistent reminder of how important listening is and how difficult it can be. Keeping that in mind as I read this book, my understanding of the power of listening deepening with each chapter, means that I can move through the world as a better employee, a better friend, a better person. I have the power to improve my life and my relationships (maybe, in a way, the same thing), and while it may not be easy to be a better listener, I know that it will be worth it. I am so grateful this book has come into my life.!

Galleys for You’re Not Listening were provided by Celadon Books through NetGalley, with many thanks.

I really enjoyed reading this book by Kate Murphy, and sadly it reminded me that I could be listening a lot better than I have been for the last 5 or 6 years. As I read this book it made me realize that after my Mom's death in 2015, I lost the only person who really listened to me. It also made me remember when I was younger and I actually listened really well to everyone-I was a drug counselor for drug addicts, at a methadone clinic. I had to learn a way to speak to people who usually did not listen to anything anyone said and this was a challenge. I learned by just listening to them and whatever they wanted to talk about, it did make it easier for me to get through to them when I wanted them to listen to me.

I agree that conversation is almost like a lost art and with social media, people say what they want and if your reply is not what they want to hear they can delete one. It also is true people do not take to constructive criticism like before. I was born in the 50"s and we knew we better listen to what was being said. Those were the days when we played outside, and we better listen to anyone parents on the block or we could get sent home and be in trouble when we got there!

I know by watching first hand that as time went on and a lot of kids no longer played outside, they were inside playing video games. With the phone now the only way some family members keep in touch, via text, it makes me see how the beginning of computers and cell phones, have really caused a direct hit on the art of even conversation and small talk.

I think it is very important that everyone read this book as it outlines in concise detail all of the problems not listening have caused. I gave this book 5 stars and am so glad I read this book!

This is a must read for everyone. It has not only ideas, fact, but points out why we are bad at listening in today's world. It is thought provoking and makes you think about your own listening skills around not only work, personal, but if you act differently with strangers.

She brings in different people who are great at listening via their career and how they just are okay and be with silence and listening to others. She brings in people that are horrible and miss opportunities. She talks about how we now days can't be in silence and we almost always go to our phone. We are messing up our hearing. You name it there are small things you can do to improve your skill set.

I will be re-reading this book down the road. Its a must read and every CEO, HR, leader needs to read this book! Let alone every parent and parter.

Thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for the ARC in exchange for an honest review.

I often find myself saying to the kids "Yes, I know you hear me, but you aren't listening to me" or even find myself saying that to my spouse! Then along came this book and I realized that there are times when I, myself hear my kids, hear my spouse, and even hear people, but I don't really listen to them.
Kate Murphy has built her career around listening to people. After reading this book, I can say she is a gifted GIFTED listener. That is something that does not come easy to me anymore. I used to be a great listener!

I loved Murphy's writing. I was truly able to connect to the book and what she was saying (writing). This book helped me really listen to her. Even better, some of the tips in the book are tips I have been able to do each day to help change my skills from hearing things...to really listening to things.

Thank you Celadon Books!

How many individuals do you know who listen attentively? What are the characteristics of a good listener? Why do so many people talk more and listen less these days? What price do we pay when we are out to lunch during significant conversations? When you are conversing with someone, what should you look for beyond the ideas that are being expressed? For the answers to these and other provocative questions, read Kate Murphy's excellent work of non-fiction, "You're Not Listening." In it, she lucidly, intelligently, and eloquently addresses the subject of how to communicate more effectively, with an emphasis on improving your listening skills.

To illustrate the art of listening, the author, who is an accomplished journalist, interviews seventy-six-year-old Naomi Henderson, an accomplished woman who has moderated focus groups for nearly fifty years, as well as a former interrogator for the CIA who shares some of the strategies that made him successful at his job. Murphy also speaks with a star furniture salesman, bartender, hairdresser, air-traffic controller, and priest, all of whom are proficient listeners. "You're Not Listening" has eye-opening studies on everything from the mechanics of hearing to how device-free family dinners, in which there is a great deal of give and take, can help kids function better in school and develop such qualities as resilience and self-esteem.

Murphy warns us that when we are distracted by our cell phones or preoccupied with preparing biting and witty rejoinders, we cannot truly absorb what someone else is telling us. A person's body language, tone of voice, genuine curiosity, patience, courtesy, and ability to convey compassion, sincerity, and interest can lead others to open up in a way that is meaningful and poignant. Whether we are talking to our spouse, children, colleagues, supervisors, friends, or acquaintances, we can enrich our lives immeasurably by practicing the type of active listening that Kate Murphy describes. To sum up: "It is only by listening that we engage, understand, connect, empathize, and develop as human beings."

When was the last time you listened to someone, or someone really listened to you? Like most of us in this day of the digital age, you've probably felt the above at some point. This book was an interesting look at how we communicate with one another and some great insight into how to do better. I can't think of a more fitting book to read right now as we are becoming more and more at odds with another as we continue to talk at each other instead of actually listening.

After reading this, i'm taking a closer look at my relationships in all aspects of my life (personal and professional) and am taking knowledge gained from this book to be more aware of how I communicate and hopefully make my own improvements and becoming a better listener.

*Thank you to NetGalley and Celadon books for the arc in exchange for my honest review.

This book could not have come at a better time when everyone wants to join in on the conversation but we are only partially listening to the conversation. I found it fascinating with the scientific facts and stories that Kate Murphy provided about the benefits of truly active listening and how it could benefit our personal and professional relationships.
I am surprised that there is a lot of books out there on how to talk, but this is the first one I read on how to truly listen and engage. If you are looking to make goals this year to strengthen the relationships in your life and to have more depth in your conversations, I highly recommend this read!

This is a book that has a message which needs to be heard by everyone.
Kate Murphy has interviewed many people and states that we are becoming more and more isolated, which leads to depression, which leads to a tragic rise in suicide rates all over the world.
She believes that we do not really communicate effectively anymore, as a result of being overly connected to devices instead of each other. People are getting more used to texting than face to face conversations and are forgetting how to listen and really tune into what another person is saying.
Effective communication takes being more interested in the other person than in yourself and controlling your impulse to cut in with something you want to say, or assuming you already know what the other person is going to say so you don't have to pay much attention.
The author uses examples of supportive conversations (which is good) and shifting conversations over to your point of view or your own personal experience, while ignoring what anyone else is saying (which is not good) because it limits your knowledge of someone else's point of view and/or feelings and destroys any closeness which may develope otherwise.

Overall, people need to feel connected to one another and to share common goals in order to have a fulfilling life and the author gives the reader ways to achieve this through actually listening to others.

Recently, I made a goal to read more nonfiction, starting with You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters by Kate Murphy. By far, this is the most impactful book I've ever read, and I have no doubt that it will be on many bestseller lists (or, at the very least, readers' top reads lists) for many years.

You're Not Listening serves to reinvent the way we interact with others. It asks questions like: when is the last time you felt like someone truly listened to you? and when is the last time you truly listened to someone else? There is power in both hearing and understanding, and Murphy offers interwoven tips and guidance to help make us all more empathetic listeners, but the purpose of this book isn't to preach or to teach, but to simply explain the affect of being a good listener.

In a world strewn with daily violence, I found this to be an insightful, necessary read. If something as simple as *listening* can irrevocably impact another's life in a positive way, then we all need to be more compassionate, understanding listeners.

I received an ARC from the publisher via NetGalley. This was my honest, unbiased review.

Although our society today is more connected than ever before and there are a myriad of ways to communicate, we seem to have forgotten how to listen. We're too busy figuring out what our counter-argument will be, or what questions we want to ask next or even something to change the subject to pay attention to what is actually being said. The author draws on her experiences as a contributor to the NY Times to show how important it is to really *listen, and how learning to listen can improve everything from our careers, to our relationships to our own self-confidence.

This is such an important book. Listening is such a vital skill and lost art. The book is enjoyable to read, and I plan to buy a paper copy and make notes and highlights.

Thanks to NetGalley and the publishers for a digital ARC!

"When all we crave is to understand and be understood, You're Not Listening shows us how."⁣
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In You're Not Listening, author Kate Murphy explains what listening truly is and isn't, and how important it is to our connection with ourselves and one another. Not only is this book super fascinating but it is always making me rethink so many things!

In our technology-filled world, there are so many new ways for us to interact, yet we are all longing for connection more than ever before. Many of us long for the days of simplicity and meaningful face to face conversations. When we do interact, it is often rushed and interrupted by the distractions of the fast-paced world around us.

I loved the balance of informative research and relatable text that made You're Not Listening both engaging and thought-provoking. I also appreciated that Murphy emphasizes that listening skills are learned through implementation and practice and that it is something we can always learn, no matter how old we are. "It takes awareness, focus, and experience to unearth and understand what is really being communicated. Good listeners are not born that way, they become that way."

Thank you to Celadon Books for an advanced copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

Thanks to NetGalley and Celadon Books for the ARC of this book!

Do you feel like the art of listening is dead? Maybe you try to pay attention, but you catch yourself drifting away from whoever is speaking. If so, you’re not alone. Kate Murphy dives into the art of listening and why the need to listen now is greater than ever in her book, “You’re Not Listening.”

It’s interesting to me how this book is coming out around a plethora of other books about avoiding hustle or technology. How interesting that in this moment, we’re all looking for a little peace and a little connectivity.
Murphy is a big advocate for listening and how it changes your relationships. If you’re listening for poor gossip or listening to think of what you’ll say next, people will notice that. However, if you’re sincere or you’re looking to learn something, people will be attracted to that.

The biggest thing to note about this book is how accurate to experience it is. There were so many moments where I just had to sit there and accept how badly I listen. It’s something I think we all forget: we have to work on and practice listening.

Overall, I loved Murphy’s insights. I think she’s speaking to a problem that will grow as time goes on and we see a new tech dependent generation. Perhaps with some listening practice, we can avoid becoming a people who only want to project our thoughts on the internet. Rather, we can become a people who values true face to face connection.

A series of anecdotes, well written, thought not the most actionable advice.

As a high school teacher, I deal with students (and parents) who don't listen well... they hear just fine, but don't process what they've heard so they don't understand. Not all students of course, but enough that the pattern is an issue. I was interested in this book as a way to improve myself, to help model for my students.

Murphy does a good job of identifying problems with active listening and ways to prevent your wandering mind. I appreciate the research done (the Works Cited pages are as long as some of the chapters). The prose is easy to read and follow.

I would have like to see more examples of responding... there was a script about "shifting" and "support" responses, which is useful, would like to see more of that.

You’re Not Listening is the best self-help book I’ve read in many years! It’s so practical and full of insight. I will be using this book as a resource and know I’ll come back to it again. I highly recommend this book!!