I have read and enjoyed two of Kelly Loy Gilbert's previous novels - Conviction and Picture Us in the Light. They are measured, subtly drawn and nuanced novels and I was expecting something similar from When We Were Infinite. To be honest, I didn't feel like I got it: I found the novel overlong and unbalanced, the protagonist was beyond annoying, and there is way too much telling and not showing. Having said that, this is clearly a labor of love for the author; in the notes at the end she reveals that she first started writing it in 2006 and I’m wondering if this was an autobiographical first novel that’s been revamped. Because it is clearly so personal, I’m loath to write a bad review, so I’ll stick with a brief plot description and some personal thoughts.

Set in a high pressure and high achieving mainly Asian American high school, Beth feels like she and her four friends - Sunny, Grace, Brandon, and her secret crush Jason, are an “invincible” unit and, more than that, they feel like her family. Her white father left her Chinese mother when Beth was young and, ever since then, she has struggled to understand what her mother did to drive him away and how she, Beth, can avoid the same mistakes. When Beth and Brandon witness Jason’s father hitting him, the group tries to pull together around Jason but he builds a wall around himself and refuses to discuss the incident. This leads to a frightening and potentially life changing fallout.

As in Picture Us in the Light, the author does a wonderful job of evoking the pressure cooker atmosphere of the school and the crush of expectation that the students live under. This authenticity also reaches into Beth’s family - the strained relationship with her mother and a marvelously uncomfortable meal they have with her maternal grandparents. The engulfing tight-knit friendships and that feeling of the end of an era that comes with graduating high school are both beautifully drawn.

Here are my three main issues with the novel:

Firstly I found the balance of black despair to hope and light at the end of the tunnel to be way off. I appreciate that the momentous events of the early part of the novel are not to be quickly skipped over, but it’s really only in the last 10% of the novel that things move upwards. I feel like some of the characters are more positive than others and that having more Sunny and Grace would have leavened what felt like a trudge through the gloom.

I found Beth to be the most annoying representation of YA teen girls: she thinks that everything is her fault, she doesn’t feel “good enough,” her idea of a relationship involves her sacrificing herself and her needs, and she keeps everything inside herself. It is a skillfully built portrait of what may be a very realistic character but I just did not want to be in her head for over 300 pages.

There is so much over explanation of what Beth means, so much telling without showing. Here’s just a small example. Beth’s estranged father comes to her graduation and after the ceremony she sees him “off to the side, scrolling through his phone” - a very precise and sharply drawn image. But, in case the reader doesn’t get it, the author/Beth has to explain the image for us: “the way you do at a party where you don’t know anyone.”

Judging by the reviews this novel has received, I’m on my own here. Perhaps it was just the wrong book at the wrong time? I’ll certainly buy it for my high school library and will handsell it to individuals for whom it could hit the spot, but it’s not a book I’d recommend carte blanche.

Thanks to Simon & Schuster and Netgalley for the digital review copy.

I'll start by saying that this book is definitely heavy. It deals with a lot of topics, including suicide, abuse, racism, mental health, and microaggressions, and I do think the execution was well done. Especially when it comes to Beth, our protagonist. She wonderfully portrays what anxiety can look and feel like for many people, just how crippling it can be, especially when we don't understand it. I love Beth for all of her broken, human parts. She is a character who takes the weight of the whole world upon her shoulders, and when faced with family hurts, tragedies, and ruptures in the friend group that for so long has been her foundation, she's officially beginning to buckle. And all of this during the already existing stress that is one's senior year of high school. Beth goes through a lot, but whether readers share her exact experiences or not, there is something so honest and relatable about the difficulty of those transition periods of life, or those moments where life gets in the way of the visions we once held for our futures. This book is heavy and emotional and if you're like me, too much to try to finish in one sitting. There were also many times where the book did just feel really long. Not long like having a lot of boring parts, but kind of like a movie that you like, but it's edging on three hours which just feels a little too long. But it's enjoyable. It's also raw and honest and I really like that about it.

I also always love reading books about non-White characters and experiences, and I especially liked the exploration of what it's like for Beth as a half-Asian in an Asian friend group. It explores some of the inherent pressures we often feel to be "enough" when it comes to race and culture – am I Asian enough, Black enough, Latin enough. So many people of color can relate to this experience. And like many of us, for Beth this is all on top of all of the other ways she feels like she's not enough. At it's core this book is about Beth learning that she doesn't have to fight to be enough, because she already is. It's a lesson we all need time and again.

Of course, my favorite thing about any book is the characters, and I enjoyed how the different characters also managed to bring light and fun moments to the story. I love Beth and her friend group, characters that each have distinct personalities and are each individually interesting. They have a closeness that we all probably aspire to in our friend groups, and I love the little moments where we see their inside jokes and friend traditions. This friendship is put through the wringer, but the book gives us an ending that is simultaneously happy and bittersweet. It highlights how life doesn't always have easy solutions or perfect endings, but that doesn't have to erase the feeling of hope, and I think that's what this book left me with. Life will put us through it, but hope and love persist.

Thanks to Net Galley for the ARC of this book. It is a tough read without a doubt and the world that these characters in general and Beth, our narrator, in particular inhabit is full of tension and claustrophobia. The pressure these kids put on themselves and have put on them by their parents is heartbreaking. It is because of this, that I forgive Beth a lot of her terrible decisions and terrible actions. She is a really, really unlikeable narrator. That is not a deal breaker though. There are reasons she acts like trash. I get it. I dislike her, but we are supposed to feel frustrated with her and wish she made better choices. I am invested in her.

HOWEVER, the ending of the book is 100 percent unearned. There was a place when this book for all of those things I wrote about it, was a 3.5 to 4 star book. I do not know Ms. Gilbert who is a talented writer without a doubt, nor do I know her intentions, but it my belief, this book ended with a violin duet (that is vague enough to not have spoilers) and the publisher/editor pushed for that tacked on, out of place, ending.

I will not deny this book has an important place in the classroom and in all libraries. However, I would say it does require a mindset I did not have and was not fully ready to give. I made it approximately 40% of the way through this book, but struggled to continue. Again, it wasn't that the book was horrible. I loved the way the story was paced and how the narrator addressed what was going on. The small hints given, the subtle ways in which their friendships changed. All of this led to a beautifully written story. Just one meant to make you think deeper than I was prepared for. I will give it another try once it's been released, but for now I'll give it a score authentic to its writing quality.

Beth is a high school senior who is half Chinese and half Caucasian but among her all close group of all Asian friends, she's not always completely sure she belongs. Sunny, Jason, and Brandon are Taiwanese and Grace is Japanese. (We love the Taiwanese representation!) With all the pressure senior year brings, Beth just wants to have one last normal year with her friends. But what happens when things don't go as she planned?

Beth's life hasn't been and isn't easy. Her father left her and her mom but still has high expectations for her: get into Berkeley. Her mother is constantly "hovering" around her and doesn't seem to care too much about college. Life at Beth's house seems to be choking her.

After witnessing Jason in an act of violence, the four friends decide to never let Jason get hurt again, but as time goes on, Beth feels like she's the only one who really cares. Of course, her friends do care but they also have their own plans to follow. As for Beth, she decides the sacrifices are worth it as long as she can stay next to Jason.

Star Rating: ★★★★★ (5) ♡
Wow, I'm overflowing with emotion and I don't even know how to put them in words, but I'm going to try so here we go. Sorrow, disappointment, anxiety, love, friendship, and loyalty all mixed together. It's deep and painful, full of many feelings. You feel Beth, you connect with her emotions, you even feel the pressure as a senior. It's deep and raw, so real.

Music is big in When We Were Infinite. Violin is Beth's comfort and escape from the crazy world around her. I can relate to Beth's feelings for the violin and the calmness she feels about it. It's like whenever I'm playing piano, the world disappears and I get swept away by the music.

Everything in this book was in the right place and my first read written by Kelly Loy Gilbert was absolutely stunning. I'm so glad I got the chance to read this and I'm definitely going to read her other books!

Wow. Absolutely, stunningly wow. Kelly Loy Gilbert is an artist, that’s the only way I can describe her writing. I haven’t come across writing that tells such a good story in such a beautiful and interesting way since Maggie Stiefvater. The prose by KLG is unmatched in today’s Young adult genre and I’m incredibly happy I was given the opportunity to read this.

When We Were Infinite dives straight into the mind, body, and soul of a teenage girl and drags the reader through the mud and ultimately, to the top of the mountain. The way serious themes of this book were expertly written is not to be understated. It is not easy to successfully write about suicide, depression, emotional turmoil, and insecurity all in one novel.

I often believe that current Young Adult readers have a better grasp on their emotions and their feelings that other generations, and I truly believe this novel is going to resonate. A full five stars for this beautiful piece of work.

Quiet and aching, all together beautiful. Kelly Loy Gilbert's books are just really something, and if you haven't picked one up, you're missing out.

When We Were Infinite by Kelly Loy Gilbert is a treasure of emotional depth
When We Were Infinite by Kelly Loy Gilbert will pull all your heartstrings, might even break you open, and will definitely leave you changed. This book is that special.

When We Were Infinite is a journey through a consequential year in the life of a group of friends as recounted by the quiet but observant Beth. As high school seniors, they are all planning for their future. They are consumed by the pressures of living up to expectations and balancing them with their own aspirations. Some are looking forward to this next step, but others are buckling under the weight of the uncertainty.

Beth, whose parents' divorce caused severe trauma, has learned to cope thanks to her friends. And when tragedy strikes the group, the looming reality that they are all about to head off to college all around the country terrifies her. She quickly becomes obsessed with keeping them together, even if it comes at the expense of her dreams.

To Beth, it's worth sacrificing herself to save Jason; and keep Sunny, Grace, and Brandon close. But her fight to keep everybody from moving on comes at a higher cost than she can ever imagine.

At first, I thought Beth was overdramatic and controlling. I wanted desperately to grab her by the shoulders and tell her: Girl, you will be fine! You WILL make new friends! There is so much more to life than high school. But as I kept reading, something in me clicked with my younger self. I had been Beth at times in my life--willing to take on more than I should to keep people close. Terrified about moving on without the shelter and protection of those I felt closest to, who were part of my daily routines and knew everything about me.

I could relate to Beth because a version of me way back when also wondered how could I ever replace them. At one point or another, we all fear change. But life must continue, even when all you want is to keep still.

Beth and Jason's stories, and how they overlap, are not easy to read. Their emotional struggles devastated me, but at the same time, their humanity grounded me. We follow them through a journey that is complicated and painful because growth usually is.

I grieved with and for Beth and Jason but loved their hopeful sadness.  At its core, When We Were Infinite is a story about human brokenness, healing, and, most importantly, our infinite capacity to love.

Content alert: This describes mental health disorders, scenes of violence, and suicide.

Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC. The opinions expressed in this review are mine alone and may not reflect the views of the author, publisher, or distributor.

TW: Attempted suicide, panic attacks, divorce, academic stress, microaggressions

Debuts are tricky. You know this person publishing their book is enamored with the idea of writing, and what writer doesn’t want to be published? You can’t say for certain whether or not you’ll like their style, because you’ve never read their work before. They are, after all, a debut author. And will the story stick? If it sounds interesting, you may as well dive in and see what you find. Sometimes what you get is a mixed bag. That’s what we have here in Kelly Loy Gilbert’s When We Were Infinite.

The story follows Beth and her friends--who are all Asian or Asian-American--as they navigate their senior year in high school in southern California. We get to trace their struggles over which college to attend, or even apply to, and how family pressures play into how a teenager shapes their future. Whether that pressure is good or bad depends on the family. When Beth and her friend Brandon witness some parental abuse in another friend, Jason’s, house, things start downhill. Jason attempts suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. He survives, and the friendships they’ve grown start to crackle and fracture. Can the five of them keep together, or will silence and other pressures separate them?

Beth herself is from what’s considered a “broken home.” With her father up-and-leaving when she was young, it’s been her and her mom for the long haul. That part really struck home. Beth’s anger at her father and mother comes across very naturally, and as someone who takes on more responsibility than anyone asks of me, I understand her tendency to bottle up and not want to talk about it. The character development for Beth, her mom, Jason, and Brandon was great. They all stood out as real people in tricky situations with no real solutions.

So why did I give this a three-star rating? Well, a few things.

For one, the writing bogs itself down at times. I myself am learning that less is more, and the desire to embellish won’t always help a passage. Gilbert’s prose leans too heavily on the purple side in the middle of the book, which may be possible to contribute to that dreaded Middle Section Syndrome--the longest, hardest part of the book to write. The ending and beginning were tight, though, so it did even out in the end.

Some of the tropes. Unfortunately, this book employed one of my least favorite tropes: noncommunication. When a simple conversation will fix something, HAVE THE CONVERSATION. Moments in this book felt repetitive because of the lack of communication between characters, and I get it, okay? They’re teenagers. The logic centers of their brains aren’t fully formed yet. But here’s the thing. Some of the tension in here leaned on people just not talking about important things, and if we want to break the circle of abuse and mental strain, we have to talk about stuff. I don’t care how painful it is. That was a misstep on Gilbert’s part, and a perpetuation of the “let’s not talk about stuff” trope was not a great one to see rearing its head in this age of purposeful communication.

Another trope I’m not super into is the broody boy. BEFORE YOU SCREAM AT ME, I understand Jaon’s home life was terrible for all the pressure he was under. But he’d known Sunny since Kindergarten, and he wouldn’t even talk to her? He wouldn’t even talk to Brandon , his best friend in the world??? That’s the edge for me. Sometimes Jason got mopey and (see above) could have talked to someone about it.

Sunny and Grace needed more life. They sounded too much like each other and got me confused when they spoke. If they’d been given a little more verve and life as themselves, this would have been a non-issue.

BUT.

Okay.

The ending. I swear, if it hadn’t ended the way it had, I’d be fuming right now. Endings are not strong points in a debut sometimes. But Gilbert really brought everything around and made the Sadness Slog worth it. I liked the burst of growth and development we got to see in Beth, and I loved that there was hope. A good 45 pages before the end really took off, I had plans to rant and rave about how you need hope in a book, even if it is like real life. Silly me, I’m glad I didn’t write anything up before hitting that 100% mark!

So it’s worth a read, if you’re feeling down! Do prepare for sadness, and please take care if you suffer with suicidal thoughts. I do, and Jason’s ordeal gave me palpitations. A solid three stars out of five.

I really enjoyed When We Were Infinite. The characters were really well written and the plot kept me interested. I thought the writing was also really well done. I would love to read more from this author!

Trigger warning: suicide, child abuse, panic attacks.

Without her father in her life, and everything else up in the air, Beth just wants her friend group to stay together. As the end of senior year looms closer, she wonders if their friendship is really as strong as she thought it was. Not to mention that she is in love with Jason, and she and her friends just witnessed awful violence against Jason at his fathers hand. Throughout their senior year, Beth needs to decide how much she is willing to give up to keep her friends together.

3.5 stars. Oh man. Throughout the entire book all I kept thinking was Beth please please please please go to therapy. My heart absolutely broke for how much Beth put her own worth in the hands of everyone else. At the same time, it killed me how terrible she was to her mother. I understood how her father leaving her had effected her, but I felt so much for her mom who was doing her best. It was extra interesting that she was so hard on her mom, when within her group of friends she very much acted in the motherly role. I think this one will really resonate with teens, especially as they face the decision of college and the future. I will be completely honest in saying that I found it really hard to like Beth. I completely understood why she was the way she was, but she was so overprotective of her friendships and wanted everyone to make the same decisions she did in order to prove they cared for her. I want to simultaneously hug her and walk her directly into a therapists office. This story broke my heart a little, but I did enjoy how Beth started to realize certain things as the book went on.

Mature-Content Rating: Depression, Triggers, Attempted Suicide

“There’s a particular sort of dialogue you enter when you know something’s over, how you keep talking as though it isn’t—not because you believe it, but because you’re fantasizing about the way things might have been.”

Beth isn’t a likable narrator at all. What I’m guessing is supposed to make her seem insecure and give readers a reason to sympathize with her only makes her sound really selfish and self-centered. All the characters are supposed to be highly intelligent (all reaching for ivy league schools), but Beth doesn’t even know how credit cards work. 

It’s also very hard to understand how Beth feels about being half asian and half white. She states that she looks white and people treat her as white, but she also states how unfairly she’s treated because she’s Asian-American. It’s understandable for someone to not fit in with either side being half of any two races, but she gets mad when people think she’s white and she gets mad when people thinks she’s asian. Maybe I’m just missing something here.

The other characters at points in the story seem lively and defined, but eventually they’re all mushed together and it’s hard telling the difference between them. I constantly found myself having to pause and flip back, trying to remind myself of who’s- who. They’re just completely interchangeable. 

The story itself comes on slowly, and when something extravagant does happen in the plot, it’s given a short sentence that tells what happened before moving on. It has no shock or emotional value, and it gets way too easy to just quit caring about the story.

What I did enjoy was seeing how depression affects people of other cultures. The main characters are stuck between being American kids and Asian kids of their immigrant parents, and how these immigrant parents react to mental health issues. 

Overall, some bad choices in writing didn’t make this as strong of a story as I had hoped. That, along with the interchangeability of the characters, just led me to being disappointed.

3.5-4 stars

I enjoyed reading this YA book, and I think a lot of teenagers can relate to it.

There’s a lot of pressure surrounding students in their high school years. Pressure to get good grades, pressure to please your parents, pressure to get into a good college—and through it all, these kids are struggling with the realization that their friendships may not survive past graduation. Beth is determined to keep her tight knit group of friends together. With her parents being divorced, she often feels that her friends are all she has, and when she witnesses Jason being abused by his dad, her friends make a pact to protect him no matter what. But Beth isn’t convinced her friends are doing enough for him, and she takes it upon herself to take the brunt of the responsibility, even if that means sacrificing her future plans.

I thought this was a great story, and it touches on a lot of serious issues that teenagers face every day. While I thought Beth was a great character, she was a bit overbearing at times. It was clear she cared about her friends and had good intentions, but her overprotectiveness came across as too smothering and almost motherly. I wasn’t surprised by Jason’s abrupt reactions to her when she was like that because that’s how teenagers often react to their parents in similar situations.

Though this wasn’t my favorite YA book, I still recommend it, and I think it’s important for teens to read about the topics mentioned throughout this story.

https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3663923444

Beautifully written, but for me this book was written ABOUT too many things without really delving DEEP enough into any of them.

This is the second book that I’ve read by this author and I was a little bit disappointed. The main characters are five Asian teens who are seniors at a very elite high school. The story is life from their point of view and their cultural background. I loved the diversity of characters but, felt like the author tried to tackle too many hot button issues at once, If the author had stuck to a few topics instead of trying to cover them all this would be an excellent book. I feel like most high school students would like this book, Thanks to Net Galley and the publisher for the copy of this E Arc.

WHEN WE WERE INFINITE demands your participation as a captive audience. Reader beware, this novel will eviscerate you with surgical precision, and might not stitch you back together all the way. You'll recover, of course, but the pieces will be irrevocably rearranged.

All Asian American Representation
Please don't shun me. but this is the very first novel that I have read that features a beautifully diverse, nuanced ensemble of Asian American representation. As an ABAR educator in progress, I am actively seeking novels that will expand my reading and understanding of multiple cultures and viewpoints. WHEN WE WERE INFINITE provided such an intimate and jarring peek into the hearts and minds of kids struggling against so, so much.

Biracial Family and Culture
Our narrator and protagonist, Beth, puts everyone above herself. She is constantly trying to make herself smaller, less needy, the perfect friend, the least-demanding-daughter-of-all-time-so-my-absentee-father-will-love-me... Her pain is marrow-deep and will reverberate through your own as well. She is constantly "not Asian enough" and compares herself and her experiences...all to find herself lacking. Her friends are wildly unaware of the maelstrom roiling behind her pleasant, blank expressions. She's terrified of being "too much" and yet "not enough" simultaneously.
Suicide, Depression, Anxiety, and Manic Episodes

Wanting Things for Yourself
Beth is willing to give up anything and everything to keep her friend group together. It's devastating.

Father/Daughter Relationships and Deficits
I'm firm in the opinion that the root of Beth's insecurities and peculiarities are centered around her lack of a relationship with her father. he's just...the worst. There's a lot to be said for the representation of adults in these kids' lives, and how the majority of them are not positive relationships.

This is the second book that I’ve read by this author and once again, I’m thrilled by the story. The main characters are Asian teenagers and how life seems from their point of view and cultural background. Yet, even though the Asian culture isn’t the main focus of the story, it does have an impact on how each character reacts to different situations.
The story can open up so many discussions among teenagers. Besides the cultural discussion, topics such as abuse, LGBTQ+, divorce, dysfunctional families, school pressures, college admissions, friendship, music, teenage suicide, depression, panic attacks, and peer relationships.

Beth is the main character and we see how she interacts with all of her friends differently. During her senior year, she wants to keep her circle of friends together even after they all graduate because she doesn’t want their closeness to ever end. As she struggles to hold everyone closer together, many changes take place. When something happens to one of her friends, they all react differently, and Beth feels like her world is falling apart.

This would be a great book for a high school library. I think many students would enjoy it and even relate to some of the characters. . It is a great way for students to get a better understanding of the Asian culture.

This book won’t be published until next year so keep it on your radar. It is well worth the wait!

I didn't love this one. The title is awesome, and I liked the diversity of the characters, but I didn't like the actual characters themselves. I tell my students all the time that they shouldn't make their college decision based on where their boyfriend/girlfriend is going - and in this book, a whole friend group plans to do exactly that. (SPOILER) And sure, it doesn't work out for them all to go together, but the fact that it's held up as "this is not such a terrible decision, we can all go to college together and stay close and take care of each other" isn't a realistic plan for high school students. There were just too many parts of this book that didn't work for me.

Thank you Netgalley for the ARC of this book.

On the surface, this is the story of a group of California-area students, all orchestra musicians at an elite, yet public high school. There is a bit of romance, with our main character holding space for another member of the group. There is a discussion of mental health, with a character’s suicide attempt and another’s panic attacks. There is also a discussion of parent/child relationships in single parent families. Lastly, there is a mention of the various connections and considerations of Asian immigrants or first-generation families.

The novel is all those things, but I don’t feel that it does all of them particularly well simultaneously. The exposition is quite lengthy, and the action slow to start. Our narrator is not likable, though we are expected to be sympathetic to her. She is an entitled and foolish doormat for others. Bizarrely, she is infuriated that her mother received court-ordered child support from her tech-industry father, who comes off as an immature career gamer with serious arrested development. We would think that her intelligent friends or someone of her intellectual caliber would have more of a clue. While they are book-smart, they certainly are not street smart or common-sense smart. Beth also has an odd non-relationship with her grandparents which is never fully explained.

In fact, I found myself more interested in the mother’s story than Beth’s. How did that parent/child relationship come to be? Why is Asheville her dream? What in the world attracted her to that deadbeat of a dad in the first place? How did she feel about her daughter being a virtual stranger living in her home?

Perhaps schooling is very different in the author’s area than it is on the East Coast. Students here are not allowed to come and go during the school day or easily call out absences. While I’m sure there are young people with access to credit cards such as Beth, I just do not feel that many of the young people I’ve met in my career as an educator could relate. They would be able to relate to the story of friendship, but I think they would be wiser to point out the flaws in the characters’ thoughts and actions and find her naivete to be the result of stupidity.

When We Were Infinite by Kelly Loy Gilbert was a book that drew me in mostly because it had an orchestra connection. Anything that involves a high school orchestra is going to take me back to my own happy place and just connect with my heart. Anyway, this isn't about me. At its core, this is a story about growing up, but wanting things to say the same. Beth very much wants that with her groups of friends. Things start to become more difficult when they see an act of violence occur in Jason's home. Seeing his reality creates worry and concern and complexity. Additionally, they're each trying to figure out what's next. The group has a want to enter into the next chapter of life together, but the universe (or college admissions) may have other plans. This was one that was so real in its portrayal of the emotions that come with high school friendship and growing up. I mean, y'all, I really, really felt this one as I read. If I think back to teenage me (who still is inside of me in many regards), I would have loved and very much connected with this angst. Thanks to NetGalley for the early look at this March 2021 release!