Sadly, I DNF this book at 50%. I tried and tried, but the pace was slow, the character development was lacking, and the conflict build up wasn't there.

I give this book an A+ for cover art because the cover is stunning. It might even be my favorite cover of 2021, but sadly the content didn't live up. I was expecting it to compare to Sadie, with the podcast aspect of the story, but that part felt poorly executed.

I wanted to like this one more.

“I’m destined to disappear,” Rachael Bard tells the listeners of her true crime podcasts.

For Sera Fleece, whose life is tumbling down around her as she dwells upon each of her many perceived failures and seldom leaves her home, her time is totally focused on every episode — each one dedicated to a missing or murdered woman. She thinks in terms of the episodes and absorbs the details Rachel reveals about her personal life. Sera knows she lives on Fountain Creek Ranch in the yellow house somewhat distant from her parents’ home and the barns, stables and quarters for the campers who fill the ranch in the summer.

And then, one day it happens. There are no more podcasts and no more social media posts. Rachel has disappeared.

“I know, the first 48 hours are crucial,” Sera tells herself. (After all, she doesn’t talk to anyone else — not her ex-husband who still cares, or her parents, or even the clerks she interacts with when she finally is able to get herself out of the house to buy tea.) “And every hour you don’t update, I think, 'Something is wrong.' I think, 'The case is going cold.'”

So begins “If I Disappear" (Berkley Hardcover 2020) by Eliza Jane Brazier, which follows Sera as she drives to northern California in search of Fountain Creek Ranch.

“I will use the things you told me,” she says to Rachel, promising to find her.


But it doesn’t look promising. Somehow she missed the turn for the ranch, and stopping in the little town where Rachel went to school and where her best friend disappeared when they were high school students, she finds that no one will even mention its existence.

Turning back, she finds the ranch’s entrance, noticeable because what is supposed to be a tourist attraction has signs reading “No Trespassing” and “Beware of Dog” posted on the drive.

“The setting came from a job I took in northern California that got weird at an isolated dude ranch. I won’t go into details, but the truth is very nearly stranger than fiction,” Brazier said when I ask about the eerie setting she created. “The emotion came from finding myself single again after my husband died. And the hook came from my love of true crime.”

Like Sera, Brazier says she was looking for answers but in a different way than most.

“After my husband died, I found that the grieving process really replicated true crime podcasts: you are searching for answers,” she said. “I found a lot of comfort in them and still do to this day. For me it’s about facing your fears, making order out of chaos and also about control. In true crime, you know the bad thing is coming. It can be a way to address trauma and feel less alone in it.”

Playing detective, Sera is hired by the Bards to work with the horses, a job that allows her to search for clues to Rachel’s disappearance. Her searching arouses suspicions but startlingly, she realizes that no one seems concerned about Rachel’s disappearance besides Sera. Rachel, she learns, has disappeared before and will do so again. At the ranch, Sera finds meaning not only in her investigation but in working with the horses and her developing romance with the ranch manager.

Yet that doesn’t stop her search for Rachel, or the overwhelming feelings that there are many dangerous unknowns surrounding her. Was Rachel involved with the ranch manager and what happened to his wife? Did she really go back to Texas like he says. Is it possible he’s a murderer?

Brazier, a screenwriter and journalist who lives in Los Angeles, is currently developing “If I Disappear” for television and writing another mystery.

“It’s a brutally funny thriller about very bad rich people,” she said.

The synopsis had me all in for this one because on top of having a love for reading, I also enjoy listening to true crime podcasts.

Sera has been obsessing over her favorite True Crime podcast, Murder, She Spoke. So when the podcast's host, Rachel Bard, suddenly stops posting, Sera doesn't take it well and takes it upon herself to figure out what happened to Rachel. She believes that Rachel left clues throughout her podcast and sets out to Rachel's hometown geared with this information.

Sera comes upon Rachel's family farm and lies about her intentions so she can get a job on the farm giving her the inside view on Rachel's life. No way even seemed to be bothered by Rachel's disappearance either.

Okay at this point I felt like I was already on a seesaw. What I mean by that is, I was intrigued by the premise but the writing style fell flat for me. Nonetheless, I kept powering through because I needed to know what really happened to Rachel. Overall it was an enjoyable read.

I just could not get into this one. The main character, Sera, was so just strange and frustrating. The premise surrounding a crime podcast sounded interesting, but this never lived up to those expectations.

{Thank you to Berkley for my gifted copy in exchange for my honest review.}

After reading the book synopsis for If I Disappear, I couldn't wait to dive in. I am a fan of true crime podcasts and I also enjoy a good suspense novel, so this was right up my reading alley. When a true-crime podcaster goes missing, one of her biggest listener fans, Sera, is on the case. Brazier drew me in and the details made me also feel like I was along the ride for this journey.

I did struggle a bit with the writing style and sometimes found it made me a bit confused. I think this would have been a more solid read for me if the characters were more layered and we had a bit more background information. I don't mind an "unlikeable character" but for me as a reader, it is harder to relate with them when they feel a bit too one dimensional. All in all, this was a unique read with many twists and turns and I would recommend it to readers who enjoy a suspenseful read but don't need ALL the details along the way. 3.5 stars.

If I Disappear pulls on the suspense, atmosphere, and tension to bring you fully into this novel. This one is for readers that love twisted and warped narratives but I will say that even this one is a struggle. The second person dialogue makes this is going to make this a bit of a hit or miss for most readers. Some authors are able to pull this off really well, and others don’t. I believe If I Disappear needed more thought put into how the 2nd pov is used in order for it to make it more easily readable.

With one of the oddest collection of characters in one of the eeriest, unsettling locations, I was on the edge of my seat the whole time.

The premise itself sucked me in and I really had no idea where this one would turn. While I didn’t particular like any of the characters, their unique oddities kept me interested while the core mystery plodded on.

I can’t say I was particularly wowed by any of the plot but I did really enjoy the writing and can’t wait to see what the author comes up with next.

Thank you Berkley for a complimentary copy. I voluntarily reviewed this book. All opinions expressed are my own.

If I Disappear
By: Eliza Jane Brazier


REVIEW ☆☆☆

Bizarre. That is the perfect word for If I Disappear. I'm not a fan of podcasts, so I didn't love reading about a podcast I did like the atmospheric vibe of sinister creepiness and just plain crazy. There are a couple of things I could have done without all together. I just don't know what to make of Sera because nothing about her felt realistic or relatable or familiar. The premise is good, but the story kind of scattered like a confetti explosion. Honestly, this is probably a stylistic issue, and I prefer a different style. There are plenty of readers who will like the style of this story, though, and enjoy it more than I did.

"Would anyone look for me? Would anyone care? If I Disappeared..."

If I Disappear is an ambitious story that takes a unique spins while playing on that "women who disappear" "crazy women" trope and layers in some underlining themes, with women's treatment within our society. We see how we can become desensitized to the troubles of others and can find entertainment in that. It defies those harmful tropes here by giving a voice to seen and unseen women along with missing and forgotten women while exploring how we can feel invisible when under threat. It's a unique story with a usual narrative here that also gives a different spin to crime pod storylines.

I enjoyed how the story is told in a second-person narrative from podcast listener Sera to podcast host Rachel. I loved Sera, and she is a strong character here with her own conflict, goals, and flaws while she searches for missing Rachel. She creates plenty of tension and suspense while she questions a few suspects leaving us with many questions of our own. I loved how she challenged gender roles that gave the story a feminism feel. The other characters added to the strength of Sera's character while adding more depth to the story. Sera does a bit of pill-popping, and every time she popped one I cringed and was annoyed taking away some enjoyment to the story for me. I was disappointed that added a harmful trope to the story with the "damaged pill-popping female" and a poor representation for mental health. Ok, I know that's probably overthinking it a bit.

At times, the pace is slow going, and I wanted the story to move forward faster. I mostly listened to this one, and my mind wandered away a few times, but I didn't miss much when that happened. Making this one an easy one to listen too. I enjoyed the narrator to the audiobook and enjoyed listening to her voice.

Things did go sideways for me with the ending. It felt like the author forgot to add the clues along the way and then got to the end and made up the conclusion by the characters telling us how the story ends.

4.5 stars!

Atmospheric. Suspenseful. Addictive. Tension-filled.

Sera has an addiction to listening to true crime podcasts. Rachel is the podcast host of her favourite show. Rachel’s podcast focuses on cases of missing women. Sera listens to each episode repeatedly and knows the cases by heart. When Rachel herself disappears, Sera feels lost. Sera is drawn to Rachel’s small town to search for clues on why the one person who is searching for missing women is now missing herself.

What a fantastic debut thriller! The author brilliantly incorporates pieces of podcast episodes into the narrative, both at the start of each chapter as an introduction and also throughout the storyline while Sera is referring back to episodes she is remembering. This flowed extremely well and kept the overall podcast theme strong. I found I became more engrossed by the book as I read further. After the halfway point, I had a hard time putting it down.

Sera was an outstanding character! She was flawed yet strong, vulnerable yet determined, alone yet powerful. I thought she was a brilliant main character who I loved rooting for. Each and every secondary character added insightful and clever layers to the storyline. I was suspicious of everyone and everything! The atmosphere was dark, eerie and foreboding. I was creeped out more than a few times but simply couldn’t put the book down.

This is a book that thriller fans won’t want to miss. I highly recommend! Thank you to Berkley for my review copy!

*I received a copy via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review*

I think Brazier does a great job of creating this suffocating small town and environment. The atmosphere of the woods and the slight creepiness is what held it together for me.

The premise of the story is what caught my attention. I think the podcast aspect is really fun to play around with and I wish there was more of it in this book. The first half of the book was slow but the second half picked up and was more interesting. I didn't find any of the characters to be that exciting or memorable. I don't know that I would remember much about this book in a few months other than the premise. I don't think it was bad just nothing really stood out.

I would still recommend this book to my library and other readers and I will be checking out more from Eliza Jane Brazier

This book had such an interesting premise. It started very strong for me. Unfortunately the end fell a bit flat.

‘I’m destined to disappear, you said, and then you vanished.’ Sera Fleece spends most of her time devouring Rachel Bard’s true crime podcast. When new episodes stop being uploaded, Sera knows that Rachel’s prediction, ‘I’m destined to disappear...’, has come true. Sera decides that it is up to her to find out what happened to Rachel. Due to her obsession with the podcasts, she has memorized personal details like; where Rachel lives, what her house looks like, and who her parents are. She hops in her car and drives to Rachel’s house. Sera tells Rachel's Mother, Adelaide, that she is looking for work. Adelaide suggests she help out around the place and offers her a room on the grounds. This gives Sera the perfect opportunity to snoop around and get to know all the people that were in Rachel’s life. Thus begins a dark and dangerous journey to the truth. The many strange characters blend into the story making it a creepy read.

"If I Disappear" by Eliza Jane Brazier
When I finally finished this book, I just thought "What? What just happened?" I struggled at first to get into the story and then I was annoyed by the main character and her obsession with Rachel. The characters were freaky and intriguing, but the ending seemed abrupt and not complete.

This book was absolutely bizarre. I was SO interested in the premise, but the second person dialogue mixed with the short, stilted writing style really didn't work for me. And not that I necessarily think we were supposed to like the narrator, but I found her to be extremely unlikeable and it kept me from caring at all about anything that happened. This book just unfortunately was not for me. Womp.

CW: death of an animal

I have complicated feelings on this one. It was suuuuper atmospheric and creepy and the dread grew and grew the entire time, which I love. But sometimes it was just too meandering and all over the place. The people were all infuriating and crazy which made me feel a bit crazy as I was reading it. The climax was surprising and twisty, but the end left me a bit cold. 3 stars.

Thanks to Berkley and NetGalley for a complimentary copy of this novel. All opinions are my own.

This book is well written and I like the premise with the podcasts. Overall though, not for me. Thanks anyway.

OK, honestly, I'm perplexed by any review of this book over 3 stars and there are a lot of them, so everyone reading this should assume I may be an outlier. But I did not like this book.

All my issues have to do with the characters. If our narrator is to be believed, then everyone around her just oozes evil or craziness, and when everyone around you appears crazy then you should look at the common denominator. But if we believe it's our narrator who is a little nuts, then what are we even supposed to do with the story she tells?

It certainly appears that Sera is an unreliable narrator, because how can certain people be portrayed as so ornery and nuts, but then also so loving ("We're so happy you're with us!!"), how do they warn Sera away from every single person within a hundred miles, but then invite everyone over for dinner, and by the way, what is with all the strange comments about Addy's cooking? Her garden and potions and cooking are never really explained.

Thinking through the characters, I think every one operates on both sides of the good/evil spectrum, with no in between. Everyone is sweet and good, and also nutty and evil. Sera herself acts bizarrely just by her reactions to everyone, and it is clear early on that she is obsessed in an unhealthy way with the disappearance of Rachel.

Every person behaved so erratically, and Sera's narration was so untrustworthy, that I felt too unsettled through the whole book. I was never certain what exactly was happening. I kept waiting for an explanation, some twist to explain someone's, anyone's, behavior, but when the ending came I still couldn't trust anything I was reading.

I was hoping this book would get better with an ending that would blow me away with an amazing explanation. I did not get that. In the end, I was extremely disappointed, and I cannot give it more than 2 stars.

Many thanks to NetGalley and Berkley Publishing for the ARC. I guess this one just wasn't for me.

3.5 rounded down to 3...

Review: This was a book that left me puzzled on how to rate it.

First the positives: I had a fabulous buddy read on this one. We had a million theories, and we were still wrong 😂

This did a great job of keeping my attention, had a weird creepy atmosphere, and of course this cover is breathtaking. It is a gritty slow burn mystery.

To be honest, I’m getting tired of podcasts in books, but this one was done in a different way that the podcast was just a minor part of the story. There is a tv show coming too, and I will absolutely check it out.

Now for the negatives: I don’t think I’ve ever read a book that mentioned so many dead animals. Especially in the first half of the book it seemed to be almost every chapter. I don’t really see what it added to the story other than shock value. And then the ending. I’m hoping the final version clears this up. I found it to be somewhat confusing.

So my problems with this book are mostly "me" problems. I think this is going to make the perfect book for someone else, but for me there were too many cases of animal neglect and death in this novel.

"Murder, Missing, Conspiracy."

Sera Fleece is adrift after her recent divorce. Lying in bed day after day listening to true crime podcasts by her favorite host, Rachel Bard. Suddenly the podcasts stop and there are no updates. Rachel has gone dark on all of her social media accounts after saying on the last episode, "I'm destined to disappear." The completely obsessed Sera has no choice but to take up a search for Rachel because she has decided that she's the only one who cares enough to try to find out what happened. Sera heads to the ranch where Rachel lived and broadcast from -- Happy Camp, California. NO SPOILERS.

This was a mind bending and crazy mystery thriller that is, at times, hard to follow. I had a difficult time with the character of Sera, who is definitely a bit wacky and also a somewhat unreliable narrator. I could not fathom why Sera stayed on the property with those very weird people in such a strange situation. Sera's obsession with Rachel, with murder, and with disappearances made her seem nearly psychotic but certainly the reader knew that something odd was going on though the ending might come as a surprise if you're not paying close attention. I was very disappointed in the way that the revelations at the end were almost rushed and the conclusion was a bit of a let down especially when it abruptly just stopped.

I'm not sure why, but this short book (304 pages) took me a couple of days to finish and I wasn't exactly rushing to pick it up at every opportunity. The structure of the narrative was unusual and added to my reading pleasure, but I just couldn't really connect with Sera and buy into the story. Can't wait to see what others think.

Thank you to NetGalley and Berkley Publishing for this e-book ARC to read and review.