An oddly compelling little book about the nature of love, obsession, and nostalgia. It's a serious book but definitely not without humor, and while it's subtitled "A Story of Low Self-Esteem," one of its tricks is that in the end you can't be entirely sure to whom that refers.

The narrator of this book, Colin, obviously a man of high intelligence, is telling the story of his youthful experience with the benefit of hindsight, plus Adam Mars-Jones' authorial foresight. Although Mars-Jones wrote this book around 2019, Colin's "now" appears to be sometime in the late-1990s, and he is largely relaying the story of his life from 1975 to 1981, during his coming-of-age in the pre-AIDS gay biker community around Greater London.

What most outsiders view as an unhealthy, abusive relationship can, in some cases, actually be an intense but well-functioning BDSM relationship, so long as the people involved are truly into it, and have no problem with the rules that have been set between them. Depending on how you see it, Colin's relationship with the older, Ray was either degrading or constructive. Or neither. Or both. If the rules between them were ever made totally explicit, well, that would have been better. Maybe they were, but never on the page, and one gets the sense that neither Colin nor Ray would have enjoyed any such conversation as much as they both clearly enjoyed everything else about their Dom/Sub dynamic. Was either one of them taking advantage of the other? I dare not judge.

All this against the quiet backdrops of Colin's home life as the son of parents experiencing their own economic and personal losses, and the subtle hints and glimpses we get of Ray's life apart from his relationship with Colin -- a life kept deliberately mysterious and opaque, which one can argue is the cause of Colin's perpetual nostalgia and apparent trouble letting go. Sometimes it's easy to romanticize something about which (or someone about whom) the details are obfuscated.

This book is definitely not for everybody, but I enjoyed it.

It may not have taken me very long to read this novella by Adam Mars-Jones, but I can guarantee you it will be on my mind for a very long time. The story has left me with mixed emotions - often opposites, and I'm feeling certain that my review won't really do this book justice.

This book begins in 1975 in England... on Colin's 18th birthday. He literally stumbles across a man's boots at Box Hill. That man is Ray and immediately something sparks between them. Colin hasn't thought much prior to that very moment about his sexual orientation or kinks... and he realizes in moments that the is gay and a definite bottom. That's just the beginning of the epic tale of Colin and Ray.

There's a lot packed into this novella and I think that is the same for Ray and Colin's relationship. I don't even know how to describe it. Is it love? Is it a partnership? Is it an understanding? What. happens between these two men isn't even always consensual and yet, Colin seems content in a way that he wasn't before he met Ray. At times, the things that Colin accepts as his fate prompted a visceral reaction from me. I was shocked that his self-esteem would let him believe that he was destined for nothing more than what was offered. I suppose that's what makes this novella spectacular. As much as I wanted more for Colin, that was under my own interpretation... Colin is definitely finding out about himself even if he's unable to find out much about Ray.

The description of the book almost reads as though Colin stumbles upon a lovely summer affair but the relationship between these two men is far from that. A perfect storm of low self-esteem and a powerful, domineering top results in Colin being a slave to Ray's wants and needs. It's fine for him, in spite of the fact that he refers to their first evening together as a "rape". 

The most remarkable thing about this novella is that I enjoyed it despite some of the situations that Colin found himself in. There were definitely things that made me uncomfortable but Colin is decidedly likable. I will definitely be looking for more by Adam Mars-Jones. Beautiful writing, provocative and intelligent.
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I will post this review to my blog on August 1, 2020

Wow, this novel (or novella?) is absolutely incredible. Breathtaking, quick, wonderful language and storytelling, with a narrative that feels deeply emotional and intimate. I, of course, wanted a longer book and had plenty of questions but overall breezed right through this book and loved every moment of it. Really important portrayal of gay people in the '70s, and fetishism in general, too. I can't wait to read more from this author!

This book made me wish I read more novellas! Just a great form and this one used it well. Of course I felt myself yearning for more detail and information, but this book told the story it came to tell.