This was a very hard read and very eye opening. It’s the story of China over the last century told through the children of one family. Many stayed in China and that meant that they were slapped back and forth by — and at the mercy of — the state or rebels or whomever.

Xinran’s writing is matter-of-fact. She leaves it to the reader to fill in the emotional blanks. Mortification? Joy? Horror? Exasperation? It’s up to you.
My Goodreads review ^ ^ ^

“I always thought that being in love was the source of all life, that it couldn’t be restrained by faith, politics, culture, folklore, material goods. Then again, when I look at the experience of our generation in China, I think I may have been proven wrong.”

Through the eyes of 6 women from 3 generations of the same family, Xinran explores how women in modern China have experienced and experience love, sex, and grief. Inspired by the story of Red, the eldest daughter of the Han family, who never consummated her decades-long, loveless marriage, the author set out to conduct a series of interviews. With each life story collected, Xinran was directed to another family member, to document their experiences.

The lives covered in this book span from 1920 to the present. Within those hundred years, China has become a completely new country. The pace of change was so quick during the twentieth century that women born two years apart from one another were separated as if by an entire generation.

Xinran examines these changes as they pertain to female experiences in China. The changing norms and mores resulted in incredible disparities between the first and third generations. In 1920, Red was betrothed and married to a man through an arrangement. Being in love with another woman, he refused to ever consummate the marriage. Her granddaughters experience love and dating through online platforms and reality shows.

Steeped in the author’s own grief, as her husband was suffering from cancer and eventually passed during this book’s writing, the emotions jump off of the page and bury themselves inside the reader. I found myself thinking about the women described in this book often when I was not actively reading it. It is an incredible examination into how these women’s choices were shaped by love, but limited and influenced by the politics and culture around them. The way that society also shaped how women saw themselves and dating in general was especially interesting and thought-provoking.

“Dating was just a case of two people quietly walking towards a common understanding, slowly growing in each other’s hearts. None of our generation saw love as something you should talk openly about - the idea made people cringe.”

The descriptions of love and dating during the Cultural Revolution were especially interesting. While the women in this book primarily lived in Beijing, this book also does not take place exclusively in the urban centres of China, but also in the countryside. A few of the women’s stories include detailed descriptions of various customs and traditions, many of which were banned during the Cultural Revolution. I found myself wanting to learn more, especially given that the Chinese countryside itself is incredibly diverse in its customs. There is definitely more to learn.

I highly recommend this book for anyone who enjoys a memoir and wants to learn more about China’s history, especially the female experience of it. It is rich in knowledge and in feeling, which is the perfect mix for a great memoir.

Thank you to Netgalley and Bloomsbury Caravel for the free copy in exchange for an honest review.

Another intriguing novel by Xinran, whose 'Sky Burial' was a tour de force. "The Promise" captures the voices of women in China, in a heart-rending story of family struggle, misunderstandings, silences and cultural forces. Distinct voices from another time and place.

Xinran's books aren’t so much about being compelling or captivating. They’re more about capturing the voices of the Chinese people, in this case, Chinese women, their stories and lives, then getting them translated as accurately as possible to get their messages across. I’ve read two of her books and wasn’t disappointed. ‘The Promise’ didn’t disappoint either.

During one of her walks with her husband, Xinran observed an interaction between a female and 2 male birds, to which her husband, Toby, noted that the birds were ‘talking about love’ (tan lian ai), which meant 'dating' or 'making love' in English. He asked if its meaning is any different in Chinese.His question made Xinran pause and reflect. What exactly does ‘talking love’ mean in Chinese? The definition from a Chinese dictionary felt very impersonal and void of emotion and was different from her own understanding. Unsatisfied, she decided to take a deeper look into the love lives of the women in China.

‘The Promise’ encompassed love stories from 4 generations of the Han family and was divided into 4 parts to represent the 4 generations.

The book opened with Red, who, through an arranged marriage, was engaged at 9 and married at 28 to Baogang, who was in already love with another woman. Their entire time spent on the same bed, was done ‘ceiling-gazing’, while Baogang shared with her the stories of the woman he loved. They had a sexless marriage for 61 years. She was still a virgin when Baogang passed away.

Red's sister, Green, who is 12 years her junior, has a love story like one that was plucked out from a romance novel. She and Meng Dafu fell in love through their love for poetry. Coincidentally, at that time, ‘marrying a revolutionary was the height of fashion’. She was lucky in that sense, and as she reflected on it she said ‘our marriage may have been a consequence of the founding of the PRC, but our love was a road paved by da-you poetry, a long journey which began that day we went to visit his family.’ Her visit to Dafu’s village, Shandong, helped her see what life was like living and working in the fields, relying on nature for food and necessities. And seeing how Dafu went about helping his family and neighbors made her love him even more.

Green’s daughter, Crane, met Tang Hai as rusticated youths who were sent to Bashang, a hastily arranged camp, 300km north of Beijing; to be ‘re-educated’ about peasant life and agriculture, one of Chairman Mao’s Cultural Revolutionary ideas. After graduating from his military academy and was being offered a position as an instructor, Tang Hai appeared unannounced at Crane’s home, told her he was finally in a position to propose to her. They married the next day without much fanfare.

‘For Chinese people today, there are virtually no guidelines for dating,’ reflected Lili, Crane’s daughter.

Lili turned to virtual relationships after a failed real-life relationship. While maintaining her relationships online, she was also dating a “’proper’ boyfriend”, an English man named Ben. When asked if she’d marry Ben someday, she expressed uncertainty as ‘her parents’ military status meant that a foreign son-in-law would lead to more political background checks and make family reunions difficult affairs.’ She admitted that she didn’t like Chinese men in a romantic way after observing how the men in her family treated the women, like they were ‘subordinates’ and had them wait on them hand and foot.

Yoyo, Green’s other granddaughter; Crane’s niece, has boyfriends according to trends. She calls herself a ‘backpacking lover’. She has tried ‘flash love, flash marriage, rented marriage, internet dating’; she’s just missing being ‘xiao san’ (a mistress).Wuhen, Orange’s granddaughter, born in 1984, married a man who left her 2 years later and started another family, simply because they had a daughter instead of a son, and to his family in his village, ‘a man without a son is the most unfilial.’ He parted with her via a text message and told her to tell his daughter that ‘her father is dead.’ And she too, in the end, had turned to virtual relationships.

Lili, Green’s daughter summed up marriage trends in China as such –“In the 1950’s people married for political reasons; in the 1960s it was class; in the 1970s everyone wanted to marry a PLA officer; in the 1980s it was university students. By the 1990s people had begun to trust their own instincts in who they married, and since 2000 it’s been every man and woman for themselves."

After reading this book, it made me wonder, has any one of them, besides Green and Crane, ever felt true love? The Chinese people throughout the generations seem to marry, quoting Xinran’s mother, for ‘revolutionary compatibility’ or survival, not for love.

For instance, Red stayed in her ‘marriage sentence’ first because of her fear for ramifications, then it was just weariness. Then there were the rusticated female youths who ‘wasted no time in marrying the children of local cadres, to position themselves closer to power...’ because they could no longer bear to suffer the hardships of the countryside. Some sold their bodies to commune cadres hoping this path will lead them back to the city.

Was there even a chance for anyone to 'talk love'? After all, in the 1970s love was a ‘restricted product’, not to be expressed freely. In the 1990s, one can even end up in prison for kissing in public! And it was not until the 1980s that Chinese people were truly able to decide freely about marriage, to make up their minds and look for the kind of family they really wanted.

In digging into the stories of the Han women, Xinran not only showed how political winds affected their outlook on love, but she also showed how much China has changed and is still changing throughout the years and how it has widened its generational gap - like Tiger, Lili’s uncle, who ‘worshiped Chairman Mao as a god’, while Lili, thought it ‘strange if someone’s got a sibling but think it’s perfectly normal to have slept with a dozen guys by the time you’re sixteen or seventeen.’

Overall, a very insightful, moving and compassionate read on love and loss in modern times China; Chinese tradition, beliefs and culture. I'd recommend this to those curious about the Chinese people and their history. 

Thank you Netgalley and the publisher for a free eARC of this book in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are mine.
     
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A fascinating look at the Han family from thei marriage their life history mixed in with modern China.From the opening pages haunting a story of a marriage that will sadden and shock.The book is so involving so heart wrenching highly recommend.#netgalley#blomsbury

I was trilled to receive the ARC of this book because as a Sinologist, I'm passionate about learning everything I can on China. Since the highly personal social issues are at the core of my interests, this book was right up my alley. And it was fantastic.

"The Promise" is a wonderful, intimate study of love and family through the story of one Chinese family - the Hans - at the beginning of the twentieth century.. Their arranged marriage brought them nine children, three of whom died while the fate of the others was decided by the parents themselves. I was highly invested in the bittersweet story of the Hans, but even more fascinated by the exploration of what the concept of love and family truly means in the Chinese context.

And if this wasn't enough, we get a bonus of the recent Chinese history lesson.

I truly believe that this is the best book even written to teach the reader about traditional Chinese family values. It is authentic, educational, but also raw and emotional. I don't know how Xinran did it, but I highly recommend this book.