The non linear storytelling style of Disorder brilliantly captures the frenetic nature of psychosis and addiction.

While, at times, this jumping around can be difficult to follow this disjointedness provides merely a glimpse into the mind of Israfel Sivad --- the pen name of Michael Adams --- during the years he was homeless, living with active addiction, or being an inpatient in psychiatric wards.

These sorts of biographies are often romanticized and this tries to explain a very vivid confusion and disgust that does hit the gut pretty hard as you read.

The Review

The author does a fantastic job of conveying a powerfully painful and harsh period of time in their lives, using a non-linear style storytelling device to convey the author’s life. From memories of childhood having lost a grandfather and best friend to dark times living in and out of psych wards and the streets of Richmond, the author doesn’t hold back on the physical and mental toll his life took when he was addicted to drugs and alcohol, and the psychosis that he endured as well.

The imagery really conveys the struggle the author had in his life to the reader, while the story between himself and Pam is the beginning of a path to redemption that anyone who is struggling in life can hang onto and see for themselves that the trials and tribulations in their life aren’t forever. While the writing style can change sometimes throughout the narrative of the author’s life, it adds to the allure and interest of the non-linear storytelling, making this a fascinating read.

I think it is important to note when you come to a book with "history" or, more accurately; baggage. I was specifically drawn to this story because I grew up with an alcoholic father and grandmother who both had other addictions and various mental disorders such as bipolar and schizophrenia. Right now, my youngest brother (25) lives on the streets and grapples with drug addiction. He has been addicted for more than 7 years and homeless for the last 5. My greatest fear is waking up one day to a call from a stranger that he was found dead.

Now, onto my review of "Disorder".

Summary in a quote: "There was a time when I believed the real world itself contained symbolism. I no longer think that's the case. However, reality doesn't stop literature from having meaning."

Israfel Sivad is the pen name of Michael Adams. Michael Adams is the central character of this memoir. This created a bit of confusion for me initially. However, now that I've read the book it is such a clever device! I felt a separation between Michael and the author of the book. I even wondered if it was a fictional story in the style of a memoir. Since finishing the book, I have done some research about Israfel Sivad as an author and poet. The pen name preceded this memoir but it also adds so much to the other-worldly atmosphere of the book.

This memoir reads more like a diary than a piece written specifically for publication. Certain parts could do with an edit to be tighter and more "pace-y" but that also seems intentional. It slows you down to the speed of real life.

The first few chapters were difficult to read and I almost considered putting it down. What kept me pushing on were the song and literary references. The idea of Michael obsessively making these playlists to keep him from falling into psychosis was brilliant. There were also references that seemed to speak to specific times in his life. As he would mention the release of certain albums I would place myself in the timeline; what was I doing when that album was released?

I got a few of the songs on my own playlist for when I was reading the book. Talk about atmosphere! I didn't know all of the them, but the ones I did know made me miss my own dad who seems like he could have been Michael's dad's friend any day of the year.

The literary references were many! Of course, now I want to read each of those... Although the parts about him studying philosophy and 'sharing' what he was learning with others felt a bit didactic. The conversation became awkward as though the dialogue was simply a way for him to share his ideas on these academic subjects. It did not come across as natural.

In his psychosis, Michael imagines he is Lucifer, the arch angel Michael and even Jesus. It feels sacriligous and uncomfortable to read as a Christian, however, he is baring is soul to the reader. Actually, it feels sacred to me. He is desperate for spiritual significance and belonging. We all share this need for meaning beyond our simple and banal lives. This is ultimately what pushes him forward. It is the only "plot device" other than menadering chance.

The structure of this memoir is like a cyclone moving from the carnage of the first landfall out towards the abiding peace that settles in its wake. We open into the height of Michael's addiction and psychosis. He is rallying against God and satan in equal measure. We hop back and forth through significant times in his life; his parents' divorce, his grandfather's love, the many cities he 'runs away to'. It feels cyclical. He mentions a particular event as though we know all about it and only later do we discover what we didn't know. The characters and happenings all seemed to carry the same weight of importance as they were being told. As though, he (and the reader) can not know which friends or events are going to be lasting or significant later. The looping story then starts to create the meaning as certain events get more air play.

The last few chapters have more of a steady hand and a plot that is moving in a specific direction. We know he is building up to something. I must say, he has made the ordinary beautiful.

This is unquestionably a memoir about addiction, mental illness and psychosis, but deeper than that, it is the story of a young boy who had the rug pulled from under him. He desperately wants to believe in a God that loves him but it's easier to hate himself and confirm all the lies he has accepted about himself. It is also a story of the saving grace of love and its ordinary miracles.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for providing this book in exchange for an honest review.
The summary of this book sounded interesting but reading it left me disappointed. The writing style did not work as it was very hard to follow. This book was a DNF for me.

Disorder reads like a very strange fever dream - in some ways, it's like a dream that you don't want to wake up; and in other ways, it's a horrifying nightmare that you just want to end.

In this book, Sivad develops a nonlinear style of storytelling that does an amazing job at conveying the horrors of addiction and the natural waves of memory. Unfortunately, this style of storytelling is very hard to follow - and it becomes way too easy to get lost in the sidebar discussions of his alter ego and random psychology.

Many thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for giving me the chance to read this - It really did make me rethink addiction and what drugs/alcohol does to someone's thought process.