I really like this author and their stories are always a bit twisted and wild and dark. This was no exception!

Thank you to Netgalley and the publishers for giving me a free copy of this advanced copy of the book to read and review.

I tried so hard to get into this but alas, I feel like maybe its not for me. I absolutely ADORED Docile with its pithy dialogue on the future of humanity and its very steamy romance scenes so I was going in with a huge amount of hope that Szpara would hit another home run. Unfortunately I just couldnt connect with the characters.

I tried to read this on 3 different occasions, thinking maybe it was my headspace on the first 2 but it just fell flat. I know a lot of people enjoyed this one but for me it was average for reasons I can't even pinpoint

This book felt a lot of tragedy and rape fanaticism and it made me extremely uncomfortable to read. Absolutely will not be reading this author’s work in the future due to these disturbing scenes I’ve heard are common in their writing style.

For over twenty-five years, the Fellowship of the Anointed lived on a compound in an abandoned park in Druid Hill, Maryland. Run by a masochistic woman named Nova, members of the Fellowship were split into two categories: those who could do magic (Anointed), and those who could not (Fellows). Strict rules and regulations governed life, blurring the line of consent in the name of magic and order. Family structures were dismantled in the name of community, Fellows meant to serve Anointed under the watchful eyes of Nova, ruthless and determined to establish one truth: magic is real, and it must be used to undermine the FOEs (Forces of Evil) that rule the outside world, corrupted by technology and turned into living monsters.

With one goal in mind, all children born into the Fellowship were sorted at birth, the Anointed groomed under Nova’s monstrous care. Magic is born from physical pain, as we come to learn through the unflinching memories of Medowlark and Kane, two of the novel’s primary narrators. While Lark is a devout believer in the Fellowship, unreliable and determined, Kane is a questioning non-believer that serves a primary role in dismantling the Fellowship, abandoning the ritual “quest” to expose the physical, mental, and emotional abuse inflicted upon members of the Fellowship in pursuit of purity and “magic.” Though Kane’s presence pales in comparison to Lark’s on the basis of quantity, his chapters, told primarily in flashbacks and testimonies, offer a glimpse into the raw, unaltered truth behind “magic,” which is generated through manipulation of trust, emotion and unwavering faith.

The idea of belief becomes a buoy in First, Become Ashes, the Anointed put through intense acts of sadomasochism at the hands of those closest to them: their appointed life partner (Lark, in Kane’s case) – and Nova. With consent questionable – and even outright denied – depending on the partner in question, Szpara examines unflinching truths about cult mentality, brainwashing, and abuse, offering a raw glimpse into the messy reality that is living through – and overcoming – trauma. In that regard, First, Become Ashes is not for everyone, as Szpara explores physical abuse, emotional manipulation, and sexual assault, including rape, with unwavering and explicit detail. The effect is immediate and profound, generating sympathy for the characters in the journey while allowing you to understand their actions and responses in the heat of the moment – a fact that is especially true for Lark, who believes in magic – in Nova – so much, that you can’t help but question the reality of its existence.

Belief in magic is heightened by Calvin’s presence, who, alongside Lark, makes up the bulk of the narrative, although from a very different perspective. Following the quick dissolution of the Fellowship that opens the narrative, Lark launches into his quest early in order to save Kane. Unafraid to take down anyone who stands in his way with a combination of magic and self-defense, Lark stumbles into Calvin in a crowded convention line. Quick to believe – in Lark, in magic, and in the importance of the quest – Calvin, in full cosplay, shields Lark from view and offers him whatever he needs. His determination and acceptance, despite a multitude of questions, show not just a strong emphatic side, but reveal Calvin to be a dreamer through and through. While he may be a relatively successful cosplayer, he is lonely and unsure of his place in the world. He longs to be Lark, if only for the otherworldly escape that the former Anointed represents – magic, fantasy, another world for the taking that offers acceptance and warmth – at least so far as gender identity, sexuality and fandom are concerned.

Connected by fate – and a quest – Calvin and Lark journey through Baltimore and beyond, where the line between reality and fiction continues to blur with the repeated use of magic. Calvin witnesses a healing ritual firsthand, explores the abandoned compound of the Fellowship, and even partakes in a “recharging” session – all sacred acts in Lark’s mind –that help to reveal the truth while simultaneously drawing attention toward the possibility of fantasy. Walls are built up and broken down by a multitude of real-world dangers: explosions and shootouts, abandoned cabins and forgotten cars coloring the impromptu road trip of a lifetime – one that is full of trauma and healing in equal measure.

Though the journey leaves many questions on the Fellowship and its investigation, First, Become Ashes is nothing short of devastating. Brutally graphic, yet astounding in emotional scope, Szpara sets the reader on edge in the worst way possible, haunted by Lark's past, present and future, inviting them to recognize the messy reality that is trauma and healing. While First, Become Ashes (and its predecessor, Docile) are certainly not for everyone, they inspire hope, self-discovery, and healing by working through past and present traumas without sugarcoating the realities of the characters.

Following the 2020 release of the science fiction marvel DOCILE, K.M. Szpara returns with FIRST, BECOME ASHES, a stand-alone hybrid of fact and fiction, pain and pleasure, that draws into question the reality of perspective.

For 24 years, nine months and three days, Meadowlark has trained in the Fellowship of the Anointed to help rid the world of monsters. As an Anointed, he possesses a magic that he has spent his whole life fine-tuning and managing. His partner, Kane, now a quarter-century old, is crossing the gate of the fortress of Druid Hill to slay a scaled, sharp-toothed demon hiding in a flesh suit meant to look like a human. For the first time, Lark will have to complete his training and learn to harness his magic through discipline without Kane.

Still, it is only a few months until Lark can join Kane in the outside world, so you can imagine his shock when Kane returns to Druid Hill in the company of FBI agents and a SWAT team. As it turns out, there is no magical kingdom of the Fellowship, but instead a magic-based cult that has been residing in a Baltimore park for years without authorities realizing the depravities taking place within. Nova, the leader of the Fellowship, has been arrested, and Kane (clearly corrupted by outsider philosophies, according to Lark) is encouraging Lark to betray her and testify on the abuse that he and his fellow Anointeds have suffered.

Lark, a true believer in Nova’s magic system and ideals, is horrified to learn that Kane has turned sides, but he is even more surprised to hear Kane call the rituals in which they both engaged “abuse.” What they did to one another and the chastity cages they wore were the tools by which they harnessed their magic. Lark completed every episode of sadomasochism knowing that it was strengthening and honing his powers. So why is Kane now talking about saving Lark and seeing Nova tried for abuse and assault?

After learning that his beloved partner has joined forces with the FBI --- or, in Fellowship speak, a FOE, Force of Evil --- Lark quickly escapes the hotel where the FBI is keeping all rescues from the Fellowship. Unfortunately, he has been trained to meet this harsh reality with paranoia and aggression, and his brainwashing is so thorough, so ingrained, that he is able to ignore even the most obvious red flags. With a warrant out for his arrest and the story of the disbanded cult flashing across every screen, he is mocked by many of the people he sees on the streets. Luckily for him, a comic convention is in town, and when he meets a young man with similar braids as his, he finds an ally in this corrupt world of outsiders. Enter Calvin, a hot Lord of the Rings cosplayer who has dreamed of finding magic in a world that shuns anyone who is different.

Lark soon joins forces with Calvin, and along with Calvin’s best friend, they set out to escape the FBI, bring Kane back to “reality” and save the world in the process. But as much as Calvin wants to believe in Lark’s magic, he knows that the abuses of a cult run deep. As he learns more about Lark’s strengthening rituals, he is forced to question how a system founded in violent abuse with no aftercare could also be the home of real, life-changing magic. By turns horrifying, hilarious and shocking, FIRST, BECOME ASHES is an unforgettable and unique look at pain, love, perspective and control.

Readers of DOCILE will know that Szpara is a confident writer who is comfortable challenging conventions of love, sex and power. By starting this new novel on a momentous occasion in the Fellowship’s history, and endearing us to Lark and his longing for Kane, the author indoctrinates us into the cult of the Fellowship, forcing us to confront reality with the same shock and horror that Lark does. It’s an interesting and quite successful way to highlight the dangers of cult brainwashing, and he is adept at showing us how Lark’s twisted version of reality feels real to him and therefore is worth protecting. The tension in Lark’s character growth comes from Szpara’s careful handling of magic and the unreliable representations of it that make us question whether or not magic --- and therefore Lark’s trust in Nova and the Fellowship --- is real.

However, where Szpara confronted and upended similar notions in DOCILE, FIRST, BECOME ASHES seems to miss the mark. As the trigger warning in the opening of the book will tell you, it includes several graphic descriptions of sadomasochism and sexual content, as well as stark violations of consent. It is no secret that cult leaders often use sexual gratification or limitation as a method of control, but Szpara’s tone borders on erotic in a way that seems to champion this behavior rather than criticize it. This approach is especially jarring when placed against other scenes that are openly pro-queer, resulting in a twisted, unreliable set of morals that gives the narrative an unfinished, rushed feel that was not present in DOCILE.

Having read both novels, I know that Szpara can take down these complicated and layered issues successfully, but FIRST, BECOME ASHES is not as accomplished as its predecessor in this regard.

I wasn’t expecting to read this in one day, especially because the arc has been sitting on my netgalley shelf for almost a year. I can definitely see this book being a polarizing read, and I’d absolutely advise paying attention to the TWs. That being said there’s something really innocent about this book. About Lark and his loyalty, Cane and his ability to break free, and Calvin and his deep love.

But honestly? I don’t know how I feel about this book, so I’m just gonna let that be what it is.

I couldn’t get into this one but others have enjoyed it and I will say it just might not have fit me.

This is another "it's me" DNFs. I found it over-written and generic, but I can see a lot I would like if I hadn't just read a whole slew of over-written and generic books. It's a good premise with interesting characters on a really cool world with a straight forward "you know the chorus" type plot that could be very soothing, if it didn't feel like a car trip song that just won't end for me in my present state of mind.

So don't really put any stock in this, nothing was wrong, I just don't wanna.

DNF. It was very clear very early that this story was Not for Me - it's dark and uncomfortable and violent and I would very much dislike it, so as much as I think it's not fair to mark it low for that when it seems that that's very much Szpara's interests as a writer, Netgalley won't actually let me NOT pick a star leve.

This review took me a really long time to write for a number of reasons.

First, I was so let down by my incredibly high expectations of this one. As a huge fan of Szpara's debut novel, Docile, I was expecting this one to hit the same marks and as such it was one of my most anticipated books of the year. I first picked it up in March, when I was in a bit of a reading slump and thought the slump was the reason I was having trouble getting into it. I put it down for a few weeks and picked it back up when I was once again diving into reading with enthusiasm. I struggled once again. Finally I decided to just trudge through and finish it, because maybe it was just the beginning I wasn't connecting with. Unfortunately that wasn't the case.

I was also very put off by the very inadequate content warnings. Once again, I read and loved Docile, so I was going into this one expecting to encounter themes of non consent, but I was expecting them to have a purpose like in the first work, rather than just be rape for rape's sake which seemed to be more what I actually found. As a survivor of sexual assault myself, this was very disturbing and disappointing to me.

Finally, I just didn't have much to say that would make for an interesting review. Normally if I don't like a book I can at least articulate the kind of reader that I would suggest the book to, but in this case I'm struggling to do even that. I didn't feel that the characters were very well written, the plot was chaotic in a bad way, and overall I was just left at the end with a sense of 'what the hell did I just read?'

It breaks my heart to rate one of my most anticipated reads of the year as a two star read, but I will still definitely keep an eye on Szpara as an author based on how much I liked their first book.

“First Become Ashes” Must First Care for Itself
BY LINDA H. CODEGA POSTED ON APRIL 26, 2021
TW: sexual assault, rape, torture, nonconsensual BDSM practices, gaslighting, child abuse, child sexual assault

First, Become Ashes is the second book by speculative author K.M. Szpara, marketed as a road trip gone weird, as an ex-cult member flees his past, modern supporting cast in tow. Our main characters, Lark and Calvin, team up to give the recovering cult member the chance to fulfill the destiny he still ardently believes in, even as the lies around his upbringing, his family, and his life on Druid Hill begin to unravel. With the FBI recruiting Lark’s ex-boyfriend and his sibling, the book becomes a cat-and-mouse chase across the states, with frequent flashbacks into the cult, giving us a larger picture of the kind of abuse and violence occurring on Druid Hill.

While this sounds like an introspective journey of self-discovery and coming to terms with past abuse, there is, throughout this whole book, a complete lack of care. There is a lack of care for the reader, who is subjected to rape-as-titillation nearly the entire book. There is a lack of care for the author, who has been convinced this book is the correct follow-up to Docile, a successful sci-fi erotica that nevertheless failed to go beyond surface-level social critiques and instead floundered within its own oceanic premise. There is a lack of care for the characters themselves, tortured, traumatized, abused, who never receive answers, catharsis, or even a real ending. All of this carelessness is heightened by a plot that, frankly, never makes sense of itself, where each character’s justification of their actions just leaves the readers with a big question mark over their heads. This lack of care creates a book that is messy, unfocused, and, sadly, exposes a system of publishing that has hitched its wagon to a young, talented trans author and thoroughly let him down.

We’ll start with the fact that there is no sense of who this book is for. There are four point-of-view characters, three of whom are (ex-) cultists, the fourth of which is a professional cosplayer who seems to have never quite gotten over the fact that he didn’t receive his Hogwarts letter at age 11. None of the characters are truly kind to each other and because nobody is working together, on the same page, there are few stakes in the narrative. The main character, who we are supposed to love, root for, care about, is Lark, a magical young man who has been subjected to rape, torture, sexual and emotional abuse, and who is absolutely, completely delusional.

All this makes it hard to find your place as a reader in FBA. The cult is bad, but Lark thinks it’s good, and we’re supposed to sympathize with him for being obstinate, mean, and reckless? His love interest, Calvin, is a pro-nerd, but there is a complete and utter misunderstanding of fandom in the book, wherein Calvin feels alone, dejected, and utterly lost within fan culture, despite being a successful, happy, and popular pro-fan. Without any sense of normal, without any baseline, FBA creates a strange vortex of meandering goals and a slow plot primarily driven by Lark’s desire to “go west to slay a monster.”

Do we know what the monster is? No. Do we know why the cult wants to slay monsters? No. Do we know why Lark wants to do any of this? Because the cult said so.

Here’s where everything gets fuzzy, and this is the real, true problem with this book. The basic structure of the book makes little sense, the plot falls apart, and basic questions are simply never answered. To begin with, this is a cult book where in the first few chapters, the cult is busted, sending Lark out on his mission to slay monsters two months early. In this cult, you see, when you turn 25 you are sent out of the cult to fight monsters. That’s the only explanation we’re given. That’s all we know. The evil cult leader, Nova, teaches kids magic, and when they turn 25 she kicks them out with a mission to slay FOEs.

FOEs. Forces Of Evil.

I so wish I was making that up, but I’m not. The mythical, imagined bad guys developed by the cult leader for the purpose for frightening and controlling her flock are called…FOEs.

Cult is busted. Lark escapes cult bust. Deryn, Lark’s sibling (and fourth POV) is taken by the cult and they comply. Lark’s boyfriend, Kane, is working with the FBI because after he turns 25, gets kicked out, and told to find monsters he realizes that maybe that’s fucking crazytown, and turns himself in. A professional cosplayer, Calvin, is convinced by Lark (under threat of magical death) to help him go…West? To fight? Monsters? To find a FOE and hunt it down with a literal bow and arrow? Because that’s what the cult said so it must be true, no other explanation given?

I mean… I guess?

Continuing to muddy the reasoning behind any decision in this book, pretty early on, Lark and Calvin realize that they are being chased by the Actual FBI. However, they never quite seem to get caught. There’re no tails on their car, no account freezes, nothing. The closest thing that happens that’s even remotely federal is a generic, catch-all roadblock. Whatever the real FBI is doing in D.C., I hope it’s more than this book depicts, because FBA features an FBI agent who allows an ex-cultist to ride shotgun and handle her personal phone as they head a vague “west” on a hunch. It’s mindless. It makes no sense. And if there was a buddy-cop vibe, some kind of fun interaction, anything to make this palatable I wouldn’t care as much about whether or not the FBI was believable in a contemporary fantasy book.

But there’s not any of that, and so I’m left here, hands spread, asking what the hell kind of FBI agent is allowed to investigate her mother’s cult alongside former members of her mother’s cult without any partner, supervision, or backup?

There are two more parts of this book that merit dissecting; the magic and the BDSM, and I’m saving the sex stuff for last.

In the cult, Anointed children are taught magic by Nova. Magic is stored in the body when you experience pain. This means that throughout the book graphic torture scenes are the norm. Graphic torture scenes between lovers are even more common. Throughout the book, there is a strange split between magic being real and magic being made up. Lark believes, Calvin wants to believe, Deryn denies, Kane is confused. So what we end up with is a mishmash of perspectives, creating a strange sense of paranoia around magic. I understand that Szpara’s intent in FBA is to keep the reality of magic in his book as “in the dark” as possible and I’ll fully admit that this narrative would be hard for anyone, but with all the perspectives, all the moments where magic works across all of them, and the times when it doesn’t, makes for a confusing read. It’s clear that at the very least Lark believes, and that should have been enough, but I kept getting reminded of the scene from The Office where Dwight holds up a class photo of his time spent at the fake X-Men school.

That’s the vibe here. Not a strange, weird, “is it real, is it all in his head?” kind of vibe, but just one guy holding up a Polaroid saying “my mutant power is night-hearing and dogs understand where I’m pointing.”

All this push and pull is weirdly resolved when at the end of the book Lark just…finds a monster? On the side of a highway? In Arkansas, maybe? He finds a monster and kills it and sends up a protective barrier and that’s how magic is exposed to the world. How did the monster get there? What’s it doing? Who cares! Monster real, Lark stabby, plot done.

The worst part of leaving magic up in the air for so long, and then confirming it within the last few chapters is that ultimately, it proves that the cult was right. The methods might have been disgustingly wrong but at the end of the day, Nova knew something nobody else did. Nova is, perhaps unintentionally, validated at the end of the book. She might have been a sadistic rapist and serial abuser of children, but she knew magic existed when nobody else did. She is not only a true believer, but a prophet, and perhaps, to some, a martyr. While this contradiction could have been explored, or even made a central theme of the book, it’s completely overlooked, dropped carelessly by the wayside, utterly, incomprehensibly ignored.

And then, on top of all this, are the underlying BDSM themes in the book. I hesitate to call them relationships, as there is no single relationship in this book that follows the safe, consensual methodology taught by BDSM. Buckle in folks, this is going to get weird.

First of all, we learn, in the first chapter of this book, that Lark is in a cock cage. Second, we learn that he and his boyfriend have been in chastity cages since their teens, along with other children. This implies that the cult has been encouraging fifteen-year-old kids to engage in BDSM relationships under the auspices of the cult leader. Next, because it’s a weird sex cult, the book includes multiple scenes of torture, rape, and sexual assault. The rape scene is from a voyeur’s point of view, and it truly toes the line between observing the abuse and making it into titillation. Last, and probably most baffling from my point of view, is that towards the end of the book we learn that the little potions the cult members have been carrying around in their shoulder holsters are not magic, but are actually seminal and vaginal fluids, collected by the cult leader, and given to the young members of her cult to drink.

This seems to happen out of the blue for no reason. There’s nothing explained, no plot that ties into this, nothing. It’s just dropped on us and never mentioned again.

And that’s the culminating issue and the root problem with FBA. All of these half baked engagements with worldbuilding leave us with a book that is weirdly senseless. It feels like it never resolves anything because there is nothing to resolve. While the book is obsessed with creating layers of mystery, the readers are just left confused, peering through the mixed-up ideas, trying to find a plot that cares about the characters, about resolving the magic, about sex without torture attached, about anything at all. Without engaging in the kind of care that these topics require, Szpara’s book becomes something without a spine, a meandering road west with no destination, no resolution, and worst of all, no self-awareness whatsoever.

Thank you so much to Pride Book tours, Tor Dot Com Pub, Netgalley and the author for the finished copy, the DRC and for including me on this tour! I heard so much praise for Docile when it came out, that I knew I had to read the author’s second book.

I finished this book around three weeks ago and I’m still trying to wrap my brain around exactly what I read. This book was unlike anything else I’ve ever read. I didn’t really know what it was about, but going in with zero idea left me susceptible to the magic of this world and I highly recommend going in with no idea what it’s about.

There were some things in this book that made me really feel seen and were welcoming. Lark, one of the POV MCs, and the other members of the cult use gender neutral language as the default. Any person they meet is always a “them” until pronouns have been given from the new person. This was such a freeing concept. I wish more people would look at me and see a person rather than a woman/female and all the perceived ideas that come along with that.

This book has several hard to watch scenes, but at the same time the way this narrative is presented, it’s hard to look away. Lark’s journey is so engaging, you want to know what happens and you want to know whether he truly has magic or is brainwashed into believing. I definitely recommend caution when reading, but I know this won’t be a book I forget for a long time.

I'm a little torn about this book.

First off, I really enjoyed Szpara's debut, Docile, and perhaps my expectations for this one were too high. While my experience with that book was mostly awe peppered several moments of (considerable) discomfort, my experience with First, Become Ashes was the opposite, where I felt myself literally cringing at what was happening on page. I don't think the content warnings for this book were adequate *at all* and I was unprepared going in.

This book is told in four different POVs and alternates between past and present. Unfortunately, there's a lot of very uncomfortable trudging through the first portion and I really disliked Lark initially. To be honest, I really wanted to DNF. I do think that the extreme and graphic nature of the nonconsensual scenes, of which there are multiple, could have been toned down significantly WITHOUT losing effect. Sometimes less is more, and it really would've worked in this case. Paired with the random sprinkles of humor, reading this book felt like being plunged in and out of icy cold water. However, as the story unfolds and the narrative becomes more and more twisted, the characters really start to shine. The last quarter of the book is what I was expecting and hoping for. There is pain, but ultimately there is the start of healing. The reader is left without really knowing the truth and it ends on an open note.

As other reviewers have mentioned, it is difficult to discuss the book without massive spoilers, so I am happy to discuss content warnings, spoilers, etc. in more detail with anybody!

Content warnings: Multiple scenes of graphic rape, nonconsensual and forced BDSM including of characters of indeterminate age, unknowing consumption of human fluids, injuries, violence, abuse, blood, several off-handed Harry Potter mentions

Thank you to Netgalley for the e-ARC in exchange for an honest review.

In First, Become Ashes, K.M. Szpara asks some heavy questions about belief and identity, filtered through the first-person narration of four quite different voices: a true believer, a former believer, a skeptical believer, and an outsider who wants to believe. Any one of these characters could have narrated the entire book and the story would have been compelling enough. Splitting the narration between the four allows readers to read between the lines of their individual stories to see a bigger picture. Multiple narrators also allow the author to show some of the breadth and depth of how different people process trauma and abandonment.

At its heart, First, Become Ashes is about how belief shapes identity, and how loss of belief can sometimes shatter that sense of self (unless something equally worth believing in replaces it). In this regard, lovers Lark and Kane are a study in contrasts. When we first meet Lark, he is resolute in his belief in the teachings of Nova and the Fellowship. Nova can do no wrong, anything she requires of him must be for the good of the community no matter how painful or unpalatable it might be. Lark is willing to be used and abused if it means he’s really as special as Nova claims; he’s willing to abuse others if it means he gets to fulfill the destiny laid out for him in whatever passes for the Fellowship’s scriptures. When we finally read chapters from Kane’s perspective, we see a man who has lost all faith in the tradition in which he was raised. He recognizes Nova’s abuses for what they are; he realizes that in believing her lies he’s been forced to hurt the man he loves and be hurt in turn. Lark’s total devotion to the cause empowers his magic – Kane’s departure from the faith destroys his. As Lark goes on his quest to hunt a monster, to fulfill what he’s been trained and raised to do, questions about whether Kane and others might be right in their assessment of Nova’s rituals and intent lead to Lark’s magic seeming to fail him in certain situations. Wanting to bring Lark home safely, to rescue the man he loves from their former life, Kane’s magic seems to work in certain situations despite his lack of belief. Both men wonder if they can survive in a world without the control and structure the Fellowship demanded, as do the few other “Anointed” we meet.

As a Fellow rather than an Anointed, Deryn provides yet another point-of-view to be considered: what if the magic is real, even if the mission is false and the structure of the Fellowship is abusive? Anointed and then demoted, they question everything: their place in the Fellowship, their role as Lark’s sibling, their worth to the society outside the Fellowship. But they never really question the magic itself, and in fact encourage others to believe in it, including FBI Agent Miller who has been investigating the Fellowship her entire career. Deryn and Miller are characters whose separate experiences explicate how abandonment also shapes sense-of-self. Without spoiling anything, what they have in common is that they were both told they were something special, only to be told that they weren’t special enough. Everything Deryn and Miller do is motivated by needing to understand why things changed, why they were cast aside for others. There are no chapters from Miller’s perspective, so we never really get to see her own take on being abandoned, but her experiences are mirrored in Deryn and over time they become kindred spirits.

And then there’s Calvin: a cosplayer and social media “influencer” who is as aware of the Fellowship as anyone who lives near their compound in Baltimore but has no idea how deep the teachings go. Calvin would have been the target audience if someone had filmed a documentary or reality show about the Fellowship; he might even have been one of those folks who becomes obsessed with the subjects of such a show. Calvin combines aspects of the other characters in his “outsider” perspective. He has been abandoned by his family for not being what they wanted him to be (like Deryn and Miller), he desperately wants magic to be real (like Lark) but is appalled at the cost once he becomes aware of it (like Kane).

Readers should be warned that Szpara does not go light on the emotional or physical abuse these four characters have experienced. Most of it is revealed in flashback but some of it is current, and there’s no “fade to black / let the reader infer” when these events happen. I leave it up to survivors of abuse to discuss how accurate/realistic the characters’ reactions are. Likewise, I leave analysis of the consensual BDSM scenes to members of that community to weigh in on.

First, Become Ashes is not an easy read, with all of the raw emotional and physical trauma the four main characters experience. But it is an engrossing read with characters I came to deeply care about.
(NOTE: I read an e-ARC of First, Become Ashes which I received from NetGalley. I completed reading the book well before publication date but this review was delayed for a variety of reasons having nothing to do with the book itself.)

The book provides a content warning that should be extended to include self-harm and grooming (children are of an indeterminate age when nonconsensual BDSM is encouraged; the explicit rape and assault does not happen until they would be consenting adults, 20, if they understood the concept of consent). The warning does not adequately prepare the reader for the contents of this book. Also, there is not magic in the traditional fantasy sense, so those picking it up based on the description might be disappointed. The magic of this book is more modern or urban, and might not even exist at all (grooming/cult/etc.).
While it can be generously described as timely, in that it broadly deals with the concept of beliefs being controlled and manipulated by those who hold power and its attempt to normalize pronoun use, there are too many problematic things to make this a good book.
The world building is unbelievable. It lacks information on why/how the cult was started, using the leader as a token bad guy who is not really present. An FBI agent with personal connections to the case is given free reign to bring in other characters, with no regard to state lines or protocol.
The plot doesn't flow. This could be partially because it is told from four different perspectives, but there are also plot holes and things that don't make sense to the flow of the story.
The character development is practically nonexistent. Everyone heals and recovers from trauma in their own unique way and in their own time, but this still seems unrealistic. Some characters/perspectives just seem to be included to be the token diverse character.
I have tried not to include to many specific details in this review because spoilers, but this book is over all not a good book.

KM Has done it again!!! They have crafted a story that is so deep, so raw, and so necessary! This book is not for the faint at heart. Lots of deep and complex traumas are addressed in this book and are taken care of with such ease when it comes to creation of this story!

All Lark knows is the Fellowship. The leader, Nova, has trained him and the other Anointed to use their magic to fight monsters that control the outside world. First, Become Ashes, by K.M. Szpara, opens on that day that the FBI raids the Fellowship’s compound, arrests Nova, and asks Lark to testify against his entire way of life. What surprised me most about this book was that, despite all of this psychological heaviness, the ending comes too easily and is far too happy. I know it’s strange to complain about a happy ending, but I believe that happy endings must be earned.

Lark is one of the most devoted of Nova’s followers. He has shaped himself into the perfect warrior for her. So when the FBI crashes into his life, all he can see around him are monsters and FOEs (Forces of Evil). Even when Agent Miller, the agent in charge of the whole operation, starts to tell him of the abuses Nova perpetrated, he refuses to believe. Instead of recognizing what’s been done to him, Lark gives himself a mission: destroy the monsters who have taken his lover and partner, Kane, and escape from the FBI. His only allies are two cosplayers he meets after bolting from the hotel where the FBI are keeping former members of the Fellowship and finds himself in the middle of a convention.

Most of First, Become Ashes is a chase. On one side are Lark and his allies. On the other are Agent Miller and Kane. In between chapters that describe a multi-state chase, flashback chapters reveal the extreme abuse suffered by Kane, Lark, and other members of the Fellowship. These chapters are hard to read—and they’re part of the reason why I struggled so much with the ending. In real life or in another kind of story, Lark and Kane would need years of therapy to deprogram themselves and come to terms with how Nova used them. Kane was able to break free, but Lark never really stops believing in Nova’s teachings about magic and monsters. He only sidesteps from his conditioning when he discovers that he can work magic in a way that doesn’t involve extreme physical pain. The ultra happy ending at the end of the book doesn’t feel right. It feels rushed. It also felt like the resolution of the book was twisted so that magic could be real.

I am curious to know what other readers think of this book. I’ve seen a bit of buzz about it in the book reviews. I suspect part of that buzz comes from the way this book wholeheartedly embraces sexual diversity. Lark and Kane are both men who love each other, who explore their attraction within the confines of the Fellowship’s teachings. Lark’s sibling uses they/them pronouns. Both of Lark’s cosplaying allies are gay. I think this is a good thing, but it didn’t make up for the facile way that long-term abuse is handled (or not handled) in this novel.

I requested this ARC based on this synopsis: “a fantastic standalone adventure that explores self-discovery after trauma and outgrowing origins over the course of an American road trip.” I thought this was going to be a heart-felt story about growth and discovery while working in some classic Americana. I was wrong, wrong, wrong!

I opened the first page of the ARC and this is the warning: “Contains explicit sadomasochism and sexual content as well as abuse and consent violations including rape.” So trauma should have been with a capital T in this synopsis. I decided to proceed even with the warning. Please let these cute birds show up!

The story centers around a cult in Baltimore called The Fellowship. Their leader Nova, bought a large park from the city and started her own society. She brainwashes her followers that everyone outside is a “monster” and cannot be trusted. She puts them through training sessions where they inflict pain on each other to power up their “magic” abilities. No “outsider” really understands what happens behind these compound walls until one of its members escapes and rats them out, which is where the book starts. The FBI raids the compound and the lead character, Lark escapes them because he’s ride or die Fellowship. He is told that when he turns 25 he must go on a quest, use his “magic” and kill a monster in order to save the “outsiders” and now the Fellowship.”

Likes:

🐤 It is a compulsive fast paced read. Once you get into the “road trip” aka quest part of the book you want to know what is going to happen to Lark and his friends he meets along the way.
🐤 A ton of LGBQT+ representation

What I didn’t like about it:
🐤 The rape and physical abuse scenes are challenging to read.
🐤 There are a lot of funny scenes in the book from Lark being a fish out of water, but juxtaposing them with violent scenes just didn’t work for me. I think I would have liked this book more if it leaned into the trauma and healing.
🐤 No cute birds

Trigger warnings: Rape, BDSM, violence, abuse
Lark and Kane were raised to fight the monsters who roam beyond the fence of the Fellowship. Their magic, earned through pain, is essential to protect the Fellowship, including Lark's sibling Daeryn, from the corruption of the outside world. Once Kane leave on a quest, all Lark wants is to follow his partner and save the world. Until the day when the FBI comes to the compound, arrests their leader, and tells the Fellowship they've been trapped in a cult. Lark refuses to believe and sets out to kill the monsters that he thinks are out there. Dark but joyful and deep, First, Become Ashes is a fantasy quest novel, an exploration of suffering and exploitation, a story about found family, and a queer love story. Highly recommended to fans of Sparza's first novel, Docile, fantasy fans, and people who love seeing multiple perspectives.