💬 “First, Become Ashes contains explicit sadomasochism and sexual content, as well as abuse and consent violations, including rape.” It is impossible to talk about this book without talking about these triggers and also spoilers. Please proceed with caution.
📚The remains of an abandoned zoo on Druid Hill in Baltimore, MD is now home to a group that calls themselves The Fellowship. They are an insular community that practices magic and believes the outside world has been corrupted by literal monsters. Things get turned upside down for Lark when he is removed from that environment and honestly just a lot of stuff goes to shit.
👍 I hate calling a book “readable” because obviously. But I read this on my kindle and somehow not having a book in my hands makes everything I read feel longer than it actually is. But this was 300+ pages and felt so short. And it was seriously hard to put down. Unfortunately, that’s basically where my praise for this book ends.
👎So for the sake of time, I’m only getting into the most pressing issues in this. First of all, this is erotica first, story second. Style/craft wise, it is on the level with the erotic fanfic you read as a teen with your door locked. And that’s fine. The problem is that this book is about characters who are dealing with explicit sexual abuse and manipulation. But the scenes in which that abuse takes place, where characters are explicitly being raped are written like masturbation material. I’m not here to tell anyone what they can and can’t jerk off to. Live your life. And maybe Szpara is trying to make some grander point about kink and consent but I honestly don’t think he’s a good enough writer to be successful. Also all the characters are idiots and I HATE the way non-binary pronouns are handled. It’s annoying enough to see “they/them” otherized by “evolved progressive people smugly introducing themselves by introducing their pronouns to the primitive outsiders.” It’s especially annoying with the evolved progressive people are in a literal ✨Magic Rape Cult✨.
THE VERDICT:⭐️
I started at 3⭐️s and every layer I peeled back I took one away until I realized I actually hated this book.
📚Alt Recs: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind-ing this out of my brain.

Trigger warnings: abuse, consumption of human genital matter, rape, sexual assault, manipulation, bleeding, BSDM

Sometimes books just let you down. And that's definitely the case with this one. To start, First, Become Ashes is told from the points of Kane, Deryn, Lark, and Calvin. The first three are ex-cult members whose base had been raided by the FBI. Lark, the strongest believer, escapes the FBI and teams up with Calvin to continue the quest to slay a monster which was supposed to start on his twenty-fifth birthday. Then starts a cross-country chase with an FBI agent trying to get Lark back to testify against the cult leader while Lark tries to finish the mission he had been anointed to complete.

The tonal dissonance between the bits where it's supposed to be more light-hearted with the weight of graphic depictions of sexual and emotional abuse simply did not work for me. It was inconsistent and repetitive, to the detriment of the characters. It seemed that no one had an inner life outside of the events of the book (except for Calvin and Lilian). Lark, Kane, and Deryn all felt one dimensional with no real depth outside of the events and set-up of the book. I understand part of the conceit is that Nova didn't allow them to. I expected far more introspection about the fucked-upped-ness of it all. More so, Lark has no perspective outside of loving Kane and believing in magic. Kane has no depth outside of saving Lark and taking down the Fellowship. Deryn had an interesting thread of being the spurned younger sibling. This lack of character development also raises far too many questions about the cult's day-to-day operations that broke my immersion.

I guess I was also expecting a whole lot more about the cult and any semblance of world-building. It's one thing to have an unreliable narrator, but a whole other thing if the reason he is unreliable is because the truth is never revealed to the reader. What is the cult's mission? How did it operate? What kind of cover-up and corporate fuckery allowed Nova to operate for as long as she did? Perhaps this is a result of me having really enjoyed The Road to Jonestown, which spent its entire time talking about Jim Jones' charisma and the mission he had which ultimately drew people in and led them to the mass suicide that ended the endeavor. He wanted to create some kind of socialist paradise. But in First, Become Ashes, the purpose of the mission is left utterly unclear.

Moreover, there is no insight about Nova, the leader, aside from a quick backstory we get that would be spoilers, so I won't mention it. Is the magic real or is it a figment of Lark's trauma and Calvin's wishes? Are there monsters? I don't know. Maybe. But because the book ends on a context that Nova is the real monster, it is too simple to be compelling. If there was more insight into who and what the Forces of Evil were, especially given that this contemporary also wanted its magical elements, then perhaps it would have been easier to understand both Lark and Kane as characters.

In short, if you're expecting a "cult book," this isn't it. If you're expecting a fun, monster-hunting road trip, this isn't it either because of how derailed it gets by the lack of background or context for the cult's abuses in the first place.

Though blessed with a much clearer purpose/direction/plot than Szpara's debut, FIRST BECOME ASHES was a bit less compelling. I will say that Szpara knows how to draw a reader in, using shock and almost a feeling of voyeurism as we slowly peel back the layers of Lark's and Kane's characters, grounding us with the more conventionally relatable Calvin and Deryn.

My favorite sections were Kane's confessions. I think watching him pick apart his trauma, lay everything bare as he grows more and more uncomfortable with what is being demanded of him and, worse, Lark is really the core of the story. Lark's blind belief masks the trauma and pain of what he experienced, making the abuse feel more like a kink than the trauma that it is. Without Kane's balance, it really could be seen that way - especially when Calvin takes up the mantle and compares it to healthy, consensual BDSM (though you do get to see Calvin's understanding when it goes beyond that and how it affects him).

Also the way Calvin focuses so heavily on communication and trust, even when we can't be sure just how much Lark understands. This is extremely important in a story where so many choices about their bodies are taken away from them, and Calvin served as a fantastic anchor to counterbalance that.

It was also an interesting choice to make us doubt the presence of magic. The whole time "is it real? Does it work?" And there's a constant push and pull as the four perspective characters experience things differently.

Also worth emphasizing content warnings for this book: non-consensent / dubious consent sex, sexually explicit scenes, torture, and several HP references.

K.M. Szpara, the author of Docile, is back again with a new novel: First, Become Ashes. It's another LGBT adventure that will almost certainly divide readers into two distinct groups.

Lark has spent most of his life training for a righteous quest, one that involved monsters and magic. Both he and his partner, Kane, were forced to wear cages in order to prepare for this quest. Cages that were supposedly designed to help bring out their inner magic.

Imagine Lark's surprise when the government raids the compound he knew as home, arresting the leader on multiple counts of abuse and assault. That was the moment that Lark's life changed in ways that will be impossible to understand fully.

“Kane looks like the hero he was meant to be. Humanity's savior. Ours.”

Once again, I find myself extremely conflicted, thanks to K.M. Szpara's writing. Docile left me uncomfortable and uncertain about the message it was trying to tell. Likewise, First, Become Ashes is a disconcerting read.

I understand and acknowledge that this was intentional on the author's part. There's a clear line of commentary that happens within these pages. My larger concern is that I'm not sure any of those thoughts or arguments are brought to completion. It feels like they're left hanging, with the moral of the story left unsaid. When dealing with such heavy subjects, that feels like a mistake; I'm sorry to say.

I do want to take a moment to discuss some of the trigger warnings that are in First, Become Ashes because they are numerous. Nearly every page feels worthy of a warning. There are constant scenes of abuse, both of the physical and psychological variety. This abuse crosses the line into torture on more than one occasion. Likewise, there's a significant amount of sexual trauma within these pages, involving assault, lack of consent, and many more highly disturbing scenes. Oh, I almost forgot some warnings. Yes, there are THAT many. There's also self-harm, cults, sadomasochistic violence. I think that covers it.

Long story short: I'm once again stuck on how to review First, Become Ashes. It's absolutely a story that many readers will love. It's also a story that so many will find triggering and uncomfortable, myself included. My advice would be to look up those warnings and make the best decision for you and your comfort levels.

First Become Ashes felt like a fever dream. Reality didn't seem to matter too much to the overall plot, and that was exactly the point.

Meadowlark is part of the cult known as the Fellowship of the Anointed. He was born and raised with a set of beliefs given to him by the leader, Nova. Among those beliefs are magic and monsters and enduring pain to center oneself. When Lark's partner Kane leaves to go on his quest of slaying the monsters, he soon returns with the FBI in tow. Lark's world is thrown into a dizzying spiral of FOE's (Forces of Evil), unreliable magic, and a world where nothing and everything is real.

First thing's first - please take heed of the content warnings in this book. There are graphic scenes of non-con with BDSM practices, as well as mental abuse.

This is one of those books where you have no idea where it's going because the journey is so murky. It's set up in a way where it seems like something we've seen before. A cult, shut off from the world, is discovered and its leaders are arrested, members set free, etc., etc. But this one is more than that. The magic that's described in the book is never really made clear. Are they actually doing magic or aren't they? Is there actually a monster? Is everything happening or is this all in Lark's head? I think in the end it's a journey about abuse and how one starts the healing process, especially when you don't know that what's happened to you is actually abuse. The process is not linear, no healing ever is. We see Lark stumble through his fears and doubts and determination to slay the monster...but I found myself asking if maybe the monster is something else? Maybe it's that thing that lives inside us and eats us all up if we let it. If we don't allow ourselves the room to heal.

Lark is almost alienlike in his personality, as cut off as he's been, but he was a bit charming for all that. I really loved the scenes between him and Calvin, the cosplay nerd he stumbles into and forms a fast friendship with. Lark just really needed someone to not question him, to just trust him and his process and I think Calvin gave him that and set him on the path to healing because of it. The other side characters admittedly didn't bring a whole lot to the story, even Lark's partner Kane. But they were diverse and queer, and I appreciated that.

Overall, I think if you're going to read this book, it's important to go into it with an open mind. Not everything is as it seems, and not everything is as it doesn't seem. It's definitely an eyes wide open kind of book!

Before diving into this review, I'd just like to include a big content warning (which is also found in the beginning of the book) for sexual violence (rape, abuse), violations of consent, and explicit sadomasochism depictions. There is very explicit abuse of scenes that are difficult to take in, so please do be aware and cautious if any of the mentioned topics are something that cause any difficulties for you. I do not make any explicit description of any of this content in my review.

Szpara's debut last year Docile was a bit hit or miss for a lot of people, and I was one of those that absolutely loved it--which of course made me incredible excited for his sophomore novel, First, Become Ashes. I didn't quite end up loving First, Become Ashes as much as Docile (but frankly, that'd be hard to do for anything!), but I did still thoroughly enjoy this one as well.

First, Become Ashes essentially begins--and ends--as a story about a cult and those affected by it. The Fellowship is a cult led tough leader Nova, where members (those know as the 'Anointed') are trained to have upmost loyalty and to wield magic in order to fight monsters that populate the "outside" world that makes up the entirety of the world outside the gates of the Fellowship. This is a story that largely explores the aftereffects of having lived in a cult and what different forms of 'deprogramming' (for lack of a better word) can manifest. Szpara excellently explores the mental and physical affects of repeated abuse and brainwashing that result from the many characters' experiences as part of the cult, and I particularly appreciated that we got to follow a couple different members who were all at different stages of belief and acceptance (or lack of acceptance).

Once again, one of Szpara's biggest strengths is in his characters. The story and plot are not without their interest, but it's really his well-developed and multi-dimensional characters that tell the whole story. We follow four perspectives in this book: Lark (Meadowlark), Kane, Calvin, and Deryn. Lark and Kane are Anointed members of the Fellowship (meaning they get the training to fight monsters), Deryn is a Fellow, and Calvin is an "outsider"--a regular everyday person just like you and me.

Just shy of turning 25 when he would get to begin his own quest fighting monsters, Lark is liberated from the Fellowship by his partner Kane, who has become an FBI informant in order to help get the abusive Fellowship shutdown. Lark is fully enmeshed in the fellowship society and refuses to believe that everything he's been taught is a lie. Lark is one of the most compelling characters to follow throughout this story as we watch him slowly come to grips with understanding what has happened to him and what this all means for the future. He is deeply troubled and struggles immensely with knowing what or who to trust and how to determine what is real and what is not. I think Szpara captured this confusion well, while also capturing Lark's determination to continue on his quest no matter what--or who--stands in his way. Lark has also suffered from many severe forms of physical and mental abuse, and Szpara does not shy away from exploring these topics in depth.

Then there's Calvin, one of the other main POVs we follow, who gets caught up the world of Lark and the Fellowship and chooses to assist Lark on his quest. Calvin is someone who I would describe as a dreamer, some who is always looking for more and is willing to push aside doubts in order ot hope and dream that the magic Lark talks about is real. I think there's probably a part in all of us that love and cherish fantasy and speculative fiction that can relate to this desire of Calvin's--I know I can. Calvin was such a well-developed character with his own journey towards better understanding both himself and others, and I also really appreciate how respectful he was towards Lark and everything Lark did that was entirely unfamiliar to him.

Lastly are Kane and Deryn, the informant and the one quick to jump off the Fellowship train after harboring many bitter feelings toward the Anointed for many years--and also Lark's half-sibling. Kane is the only POV we get that really focuses on a time previous to the present in which we get to see firsthand what went on in the Fellowship and all of the myriad of awful ways in which they were abusive towards their members. Much like with Lark, we get to experience firsthand some of the traumatic abuse that Kane is subjected to, and it really is sobering and difficult to read while highlighting the importance of being aware and careful of these topics. Deryn is not an Anointed and is not quite as upset about leaving the Fellowship as Lark, but they carry some extremely conflicted feelings about things once on the outside as well.

In regards to the plot itself, I found myself mixed on how I felt about it. In some ways, I found it utterly compelling and couldn't pull myself away, but at other times I felt as though there a few too many things that felt like plot holes or that just didn't quite make sense to me. I think the reason that these issues didn't bother me too much, though, is because this book felt like it was so much more focused on the characters and their individuals journeys rather than the intricacies of the plot itself. It wasn't really ever supposed to be about the magic itself or the details of the Fellowship and the events that occurred after it was exposed, so the world-building felt strong for what it was intended to be.

Overall, I've given First, Become Ashes four stars! First, Become Ashes wasn't quite what I expected, but it was still an incredibly compelling and well-written story that explored a lot of great themes and ideas.

Diving into this book, reading the content warnings, I knew I had to be prepared. I was excited for it because the synopsis sounds so interesting, but of course, I was also very hesitant. Now I've finished it! And it's sooooooo... I don't even have the word for it right now. 😂 See, it's unique but also very unnerving--unique because it blended magic and the supernatural with society, unnerving because this book featured sadomasochism and sexual/mental abuse so graphically and tried to show that the process of healing is not an easy one. It's brutal and raw, and some scenes made my skin crawl, but damn if this didn't take me on its own kind of journey.

I think that's all I can say for now. Full review will be posted soon as part of a tour hosted by Pride Book Tours! Hopefully, I'll have gathered my thoughts by then!

TW: sadomasochism, rape, sexual assault and abuse, torture, psychological abuse, manipulation, violence

I think there is a really interesting story to be told here--the breakup of a cult, what's real, adjusting to that, overcoming trauma, but I think I couldn't overlook the many, many trigger warnings and the magic to really get into it.

[TL;DR] First, Become Ashes is a faced-paced cult escape fantasy story. Caveat: this book contains extremely graphic scenes of rape and self-harm among other CWs.

I received a copy of this book from NetGalley and Tor.Com in exchange for an honest review.

#

Before we begin: I'm not covering nearly all of the content warnings required for this book; those at the front (at least at the time of reading the ARC) were rather general. Here's a list that seems fairly comprehensive to me: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3435752807. This review does not go into any details on potentially triggering subject matter.

I requested this book on NetGalley partially because the premise was fascinating to me (more on that in a second) and partially because I'd seen pretty strong reactions to it and that piqued my curiosity. I'd read A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara a few years ago and absolutely loved it, even though I agreed with much of the critique around the book (including the fact that it devolved into torture porn at certain sections). I figured that I could handle the content that needed warnings in this book; IMO, Ashes is much less graphic than that one was (though it's also been six years, so grain of salt).

First, Become Ashes tells the story of a cult operating in a former zoo smack-dab in the middle of Baltimore. Certain members, called the Anointed, are told that they can use magic; when the are 25, they must leave the cult one day to go Outside to fight monsters threatening humanity. The key to magic? Pain. Lark expects to leave for his quest just a few weeks after the book begins; however, before he can do so, the FBI raids the facility and reality comes crashing down.

At its core, this book focuses on Lark trying to fulfill what he considered his life's mission as he grapples with understanding that it's not real. While Lark is our mainest character, the story flips between his perspective and those of other cult members and an "Outsider" who decides to help him. Through this journey, Szpara tries to examine truth and reality and overcoming trauma; there's an initial question, too, about whether magic is real or whether it's all a lie.

In the end, this book wasn't one for me, even though it kept me reading at a quick clip. Ultimately, I think that's because the plot just... went in a different direction than what I as a reader was interested in. I wanted a stronger interrogation of reality and whether magic really exists; a more thorough exploration of how Lark & co. came to terms with reality & their trauma; a deeper understanding of how the cult operated in a major city for almost 25 years before the raid. The book also asks a lot of the reader in terms of suspending disbelief, including Agent Miller's actions and characters' motivations in general (I'm really not sure why Lillian exists at all, but that's another discussion for another day).

Even so, I can also see how some might enjoy it. Overall, I recommend this book to readers who are intrigued by the premise and willing to fully trust the author and just strap in for the ride.*****

*****I'm of the belief that graphic scenes of abuse are unnecessary for most works of art (though I understand there's a larger discussion to be had here); however, that doesn't impact my rating. Still: all the caveats in the world around the content warnings. Please read them. You can skim over or skip many of the graphic scenes without losing anything of the plot, I think, so that's definitely an option. It's still definitely not a book for 'everyone'/'anyone'.

In a near future, young survivors of a camp must come to terms with the torture they endured and make an assessment of what is real and what is imaginary as they enter the new world.
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Alright, there is a lot of sexual content in this book that I was not expecting. When I received this ARC I was expecting it to be young adult fantasy.. more like in the PG13 threshold and it is far beyond that, specifically because of the nature of the camp they were born into. That being said, I actually enjoyed it! It was so different from something I would typically read.
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The plot line is so good. You really feel for these characters as they struggle to come to terms with the imaginary vs real and the supporting cast is just as great. There are little nuggets of background uncovered throughout the book that really push the plot along.
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If you’re looking for a book that is going to make waves in the next couple months, this is it! Check it out, pub date: Apr 6th!

I somehow missed the triggers warnings on this one, which was unfortunate because the violent sexual content would have been a non-starter for me. I did read it and enjoyed the storytelling - love a good secret society - but I don't know how often I'll recommend this to readers I don't know well.

Probably more like 3.5 but the rushed conclusion and the fact that it has to follow such a terrific debut as DOCILE brings it down a bit.
I enjoyed the set-up -- a cult, freed; a devotee, confused and betrayed; the possibility of magic -- and Szpara does a great job in the early going of keeping readers off-kilter. Some of the reveals are predictable, though, and the ultimate conclusion felt pat instead of the seriousness I felt it was aiming for.

Do you ever read a book that reaches down into your chest and rips everything else to shreds and leaves you different than when you started?

For me, that First, Become Ashes.

It's the story of a cult in Druid Hill Park, and of betrayal and love and of course, magic.

It was sharp and funny and painful and cleansing in all the right places. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but the story of Meadowlark, Kane, Deryn, Calvin and the people who care about them is one I won't be forgetting anytime soon. It was equal parts tender and terrible, dark and light. A story of the things we endure, the people we become, and the choices we make.

I loved it, and I hope you do too. (Reposted from GR)

A book that suffers from not quite knowing what it wants to be, to the point of feeling almost like two separate plots that are mashed together, negating the successful completion of either storyline. Also, terrible marketing.

Content warnings include: physical/sexual/emotional/child abuse, gaslighting and manipulation, unsafe sadomasochism, rape, cult, self harm, chastity devices, denial of bodily autonomy, sex on-page, FBI raid, violence, character gets shot.

When I read the author’s debut book, Docile, I had some mixed feelings but overall a good time. It made me excited to see what else he would write, and First, Become Ashes sounded intriguing enough on its own to catch my interest already.
Many of the issues I had with Docile also apply to First, Become Ashes, with the caveat that Docile was still enjoyable and at least somewhat successful. I was confused about what Docile was trying to be, but it ultimately told a rounded story with a satisfying conclusion that subverted the initial expectations it sets up. First, Become Ashes meanwhile felt like two different concepts mashed together, neither succeeding because both end up not quite committing.

First, Become Ashes is a victim of its marketing in more than one way. Firstly it’s presented as the story of Lark, who grew up in a cult believing monsters and magic are real, just to be confronted with our pragmatic and contemporary world that doesn’t subscribe to the concept of magic. Secondly, the graphics created by the publisher (now deleted) make it sound like a fun, cutesy romp with some BDSM erotica.
It’s neither.

For most of the book, I had no idea where it was heading. Every time I thought I got a clue, it was thrown off course again. This lasted until the very end. There were buildups that seemingly amounted to nothing or were keeled over as a new turn developed.
This was reflected not just in the plot, but also the characters. There’s four POV characters, which I liked due to their different perspectives, but to be honest it could have easily been broken down to two or three. Generally, several of the side characters ended up irrelevant to the plot – the little that they do contribute could have easily been implemented another way. That said, I liked several of those characters.

Ultimately the main issue was that the book didn’t know what it wanted to be, or it tried to be two contrasting things at the same time. There was this constant back and forth between magic-is-real and magic’s-not-real, to the point it got frustrating and distracted from the plot.
In that context, several plot elements were confusing and seemed really misplaced to me.

One of those misplaced things was the romantic subplot. It wasn’t entirely bad, but I didn’t really like its development and how it tied in with the rest of what was happening.

Ultimately I just don’t think this book was successful in any way. It was well written and not a chore to read, but it didn’t deliver with its plot or conversations about trauma and years of abuse and manipulation.

I loved the first third of the book when I thought the story was, “A young man raised to believe magic is real has to deal with finding out that neither it nor the monsters he was raised to fight actually exist”. However, it soon became apparent that that wasn't where the book was going. The narrative was consistently invested in keeping readers off kilter as to whether/how magic was or was not real. I think we get an answer at the very end, but it feels like I spent the whole book being juked, so when it does finally pick a direction I’m tired instead of being excited that I finally know.

The main characters are adults when most of the narrative takes place, but it’s ambiguous as to how many of the flashbacks featuring descriptions of abuse took place when they were teens. That made me very uncomfortable. It’s a book about abuse and pain, and I don’t feel like I got enough aftercare as a reader.

The world building is minimal, I don’t have a good understanding of what day-to-day life was actually like before the book started, after the first couple of chapters the main details of life in the compound are all about the abuse. The abuse is definitely a focus, but it makes it hard to understand why anyone would stay. Not to question why anyone actually ends up staying in a cult, I mean, but you think there would be some camaraderie or warmth or positive *something* between the members, and if it was there the book doesn’t show it. It’s extremely focused on a handful of characters and doesn’t appear to care much about any of the others. The handling of the FBI agent also felt a little too neat, especially when we find out why she’s the one involved.

There’s a point of view character and a secondary character where I don’t know why they’re in the book. I understand what they do, but it’s so minimal that, for the secondary character, if she weren’t in the book at all I wouldn’t notice. It feels like she’s there so that one of the MCs can be uncompromising in a particular scene and still have things work out okay. The POV character who felt irrelevant technically had a different perspective than the other main characters, but most of their role in the story could’ve been absorbed by one of the others with very little change. It felt like they existed as a cautionary tale, ready to infodump when needed and stay away when they weren’t being useful.

-----End-of-Book Spoilers to Follow-----

It's very hard to pull off an ending that is basically, "hey, we can power the machines by laughter instead of screams" á la the movie "Monsters, Inc" (2001), when the first 70% of the book is dedicated to making it unclear whether the machines are powered at all by anything, or if electricity even works. Lark's rose-colored glasses and insistence that magic is real made it feel like he got to exit the book without growing at all. He escaped an abusive situation, and I'm glad for him, he seems like he's in a better place, but I really dislike the ending, I think it undercuts what was so good about the start of the book. What hooked me was the prospect of watching someone slowly realize that their life had been a lie, finally getting objective proof that they were wrong, and having to deal with the emotional wreckage of that. What happens instead is that we find out they were right that it's real, and his journey is that he learns he can just use a different source. I have so many questions about the version of reality where if you think magic is real you can just do magic and other people can see it too. That would utterly transform everything about the setting, it just couldn't be the same setting if people really casually did magic.

If this were a psychological horror novel I would love it so much, though the ending and a few middle scenes would have to change, but the “actually magic is real you just don’t have to power it with pain” ending undercuts all the rest of the stuff with the cult. The idea that “magic is real and requires pain, and nothing is worth the pain of children” can take you really cool places, and this book decided not to go to any of them, so at the end I just feel confused and lost. If you're going to hook me with the intro and then subvert the premise, your subversion needs to be better than playing it straight.

-----End Spoilers-----

CW for emotional abuse, physical abuse, child abuse, sadomasochism (graphic), self harm, blood, gun violence, violence, sexual content (graphic), sexual abuse (graphic), rape (graphic).

TW the ARC contains a Harry Potter reference 55% in which might not be in the final version.

NO SPOILERS IN THIS OPENING

After reading this entire book, I am still left asking the question, who is this book FOR?

This is without a doubt the most baffling book I’ve read to date and I just feel bad for the PR folks and the marketing team because this is the weirdest, non-marketable book I’ve read. There’s no clear message who this is for unless you just have all this extra time to see what all the hoopla is about. This book is just bad.

I feel like this is a contemporary story, no matter how much this book pretends it’s not. I’ll dive more into that later in this review.

There are trigger warnings included in the beginning of this book but I would include cult indoctrination/brainwashing, torture, self inflicted burns, violence, grooming children, and extremely graphic on-the-page rape and sexual abuse.

It’s time for another long review. And this will contain spoilers.

*****YOUR LAST SPOILER WARNING*****

THE CHARACTERS AND THE CASE OF TOO MANY PERSPECTIVES

This is a book told from four perspectives. The first is Lark, a 24-year-old who is a dedicated follower of the Fellowship of the Anointed cult and believes that once the anointed reach their quarter century (at 25), they can go outside their cult walls to slay monsters as part of their quest. It is not lost on me that they are called the Fellowship like from the Lord of the Rings series and we have a professional cosplayer character for Thranduil in this book. It’s ridiculous.

The second is Lark’s companion in the Fellowship and a fellow anointed, Kane. Kane is the older one at 25 and he gets to be the first to leave and go on his quest. Even though all anointed have companions, it is NOT explained why they must leave the compound on their own to go out into the world on their own. Kane’s POV even breaks the fourth wall for no reason? Unless we’re to believe his part of the story is what he told the FBI on his escape from the cult or what he testifies against Nova with? It’s not clear.

The third is Lark’s older nonbinary sibling, Deryn. Deryn was an Anointed at one point but lost Nova’s favor at a very young age for unknown reasons and went into the supporting group in the cult, otherwise known as Fellows. They hate how Lark and the rest of the Anointed are treated as special and get to train with magic and learn how to fight, while the Fellows are left to only care for the Anointed and not learn any magic at all.

Lastly, we have the perspective of an outsider, Calvin. Calvin is a professional cosplayer and desperately wants to believe in the magic the cult teaches. He comes across to me as someone who would be easily susceptible to cults and being lured into one. He’s extremely naïve but he’s also supposed to be a Dom who knows how to use ropes and whips with a penchant for roleplaying during sex. He has a bit of a kink for the magic he thinks Lark possesses and the way Lark looks a bit like a real life elf with his long hair. It comes across more as creepy than endearing.

Lark, Deryn, and Calvin’s chapters are all present-day and told in first-person present tense. Kane’s sole perspective is told in first-person past because his is set in the past. It makes no sense to put his chapter headings as “confidential” as opposed to “past” while everyone else’s is labeled “now”.

I don’t know WHY it was necessary to have so many perspectives in one story. Admittedly it would’ve been too much to read an entire story from Lark’s POV because he’s such a believer. But the story would’ve been better if we saw him deprogramming, or progressively not believing his cult teachings, then see him believing for 95% of the book and suddenly do a 180 and not. Lark questions his beliefs earlier than that (like at the 75% mark), but it’s not early enough for me.

Deryn’s POV was refreshing because they never believed, but then again, was their perspective necessary? Maybe not unless the author just wanted to include a voice that wasn’t from a cishet gay man - which Lark, Kane, and Calvin all were.

This book winds up being a polyam m/m/m and I’m just left wondering why a romance was even necessary. And I’m saying that as someone who reads romance books. We know there’s a toxic co-dependence with Lark and Kane that needs so much therapy to address, but Calvin? He just seems attracted to Lark for all the wrong reasons. He’s a terrible partner for Lark as well. This book wouldn’t ever past muster as a good romance, so why even try? This is set up to be a toxic relationship all around.

Other characters worth knowing about is the FBI agent investigating the cult only referred to as Agent Miller. Not that FBI field agents always have partners, but Miller gets way too much free reign and goes off on her own a lot. You’re telling me a government employee gets to do whatever they want across state lines with witnesses in tow on who are part of a very, very public cult case with no supervision and not working with others at all? Hard to believe.

Then there’s Lillian, a podcaster who...attends cons with Calvin. I’m not sure what her real life job is outside of podcasting. She’s married to a surgeon but we never meet this wife of hers. Lillian is best friends with Calvin and while she does not believe in magic like Lark and Calvin obviously do, for whatever reason she goes on their road trip with them even though she knows the FBI and the police are after Lark.

Lastly, there’s Nova. The cult leader who rightly gets arrested by the FBI. More on her next.

THE CULT THAT MAKES NO SENSE

I admit I have an odd fascination with cults and how they work. I assume the author does as well; otherwise, why write a story based on cults? From my rudimentary knowledge from books, documentaries, and podcasts surrounding cults and the stories from those who survived cults, I think this book just skims the surface of the psychology of cults and ignores the greater impact of how a life in cults affects their victims. This book clearly tried to tie everything up with a neat little bow at the end where everyone in the cult turns against their leader and is very accepting of therapy, and that’s really just not how real life works at all. There will always be those who believe, and since this one has been around for so many years, with so many born into it, you’re telling me that they all decide that their leader was in the wrong?

Also. A lot of the time the cults that get on the news are cults let by men. Toxic masculinity plays into cults and how victims are lured into them. What’s interesting here in this book is that the cult is led by a woman known as Nova. We learn that Nova and her husband bought the land their cult lives in (in the MIDDLE OF TOWN but let’s go into that later) and first accepted single mothers, pregnant couples, people dealing with unplanned pregnancies, etc. into their Fellowship of the Anointed.

There ARE women cult leaders in history who have done their fair share of damage, but few. Much fewer than men. What is it about Nova that led so many to follow her? To give their children over to her? This book doesn’t go into this at all besides possibly the author wanting to add more women into the book? Which. This is not the way.

I know books take time to publish and the timing is coincidental, but. This book is publishing on the heels of two docuseries about the sex cult NXIVM and even the popular movie Midsommar, so I think the cult part of this book will be at the forefront of a lot of readers minds when they read this book, and readers will realize how bonkers this book is. This cult is essentially a sex cult for no reason.

What doesn’t make sense in this cult setup is how Nova gets these parents to stay or if they were eventually thrown out. What did she promise them, what is their “faith” that they believe Nova and whatever it is that she preaches? This book is focused on the kids’s stories - specifically Lark, Kane, and Deryn. They were all born into the cult and only know it from that perspective. We learn of nothing about the so-called Elders and the teachers who look after the children. Well, except that they’re rapists so how’d they come to the cult exactly? The sexual assault started when the anointed reach 20. But were they getting off on watching kids perform what is essentially rudimentary BDSM acts together before then? We just don’t know.

The thing about actual cults is that there’s something, a promise that the leader has to lure people in. Have they been taking in “outsiders” all this time even if we know the vehement disgust those in the Fellowship show to those outside their fence walls? How are they growing cult besides having babies? We learn in this book that the Fellowship regularly trades with outsiders, which makes sense because it does not come across that they are self-sustaining at all. They have poultry and farm animals but who takes care of them? We know the anointed eat chicken basically every meal but is that it? What are these so-called potions they drink? How do the believers feel about trading with outsiders? They certainly get their glow sticks from somewhere. They get their tongue piercings from someone (although this part is also confusing since Lark mentions a barbell against the roof of his mouth but later in the book mentions they get tongue piercings).

Those who are born into cults are homeschooled, for lack of a better word. But I question what is taught to the Fellowship members. We see Lark, Deryn, and Kane with a bare bones knowledge of the outside world. They don’t know what the internet is or how to use phones, as expected. And yet? There are moments they seem to know more than reasonable and I don’t find the worldbuilding consistent to show what the cult members know or don’t know.

Cults also have a language all of their own but here we don’t see much of it outside of a handful of words. Like the word FOE (not initially evident that it’s pronouced as “foe” instead of being spelled out f-o-e). Other words are just their Fellows and the Anointed. The worldbuilding of this cult is very, very lacking and not at all consistent throughout the book.

I feel like the cult part of this story is entirely an excuse for torture porn, as evidence from Kane’s POV chapters, and adds little else to the story. Why did we even need to “see” all that???

The “magic” the cult practices is an attempt at being urban fantasy or magical realism, but any magical aspect Tor readers might come to expect from the publisher actually just comes across more as silly and stupid than anything profound in this book. So I’m baffled what this book was trying to convey or who even this book is for.

We never see in this book WHY Kane expected Lark to be okay for Kane to inform outsiders of their Fellowship when we know Kane never felt comfortable telling Lark his doubts of the Fellowship. Lark naturally sees this as a betrayal and that Kane has been “infected” and must be saved. Is Kane naïve and just simply in love with Lark that he expected Lark to understand his motives the moment he was freed from Nova’s grasp? We don’t know.

When people forcibly break up cults, the victims don’t suddenly just get a change of heart and immediately feel empowered to talk to social workers and testify against their leader. They have to be given a chance to wake up on their own. To seek out the truth on their own. We see Lark fight against the social workers and the FBI at the beginning. We see him refuse the help of doctors. That is expected.

What wasn’t expected is how Lark suddenly believes that the life he had in the Fellowship wasn’t really real in the epilogue. Or how he knows that magic is now gone. Or that the social workers and therapists are the good guys. Or how he and his friends from the cult are so willing to testify against Nova. None of this makes sense. Cults, and the aftermath of cults, don’t work like that.

THE FBI AND THE COPS ARE MORE INCOMPETENT THAN USUAL

Am I to believe that the FBI would allow their cult witnesses to see and talk amongst themselves shortly after being “freed” from the cult? Why was it allowed at all for Lark to meet up with his other anointed friends while in FBI custody? After causing traffic jams, being on the run with actual weapons, why would the FBI simply only let Agent Miller handle everything by herself with no backup or oversight? Miller going back to the compound with Kane and Deryn in tow makes no sense. She also shoots someone! She discharges her weapon in public on a very crowded highway against a guy shooting arrows at her and others!

Listen. Miller would’ve been yanked from the investigation or at least called into reporting to her supervisor and definitely wouldn’t have been allowed to go all cross-country roadtrip from Baltimore, Maryland to ARKANSAS with two witnesses (one even being THE star witness) against Nova.

And about those cops. I get that we’re all ACAB and we should question cops and their role in society (which I totally agree with), but this book does it in the absolute worst way possible.

When Lark is on his final quest, Kane pleads with his social media followers to help Lark on his quest in whatever capacity they can. This somehow includes feeding him KFC (which okay fine that’s reasonable I guess). But the ridiculous part comes in when Lark decides that to slay the “monster” on his quest means traversing the middle of the highway...to go somewhere. Not sure why. And the way the public helps out is by blocking all the highway enter and exit ramps so cops can’t get on to arrest Lark.

There was apparently a helicopter following for a bit but do you expect me to believe the cops would just take a backseat and let a bunch of folks just stand around the highway blocking the road before they come out there arresting folks or even landing a helicopter and taking down Lark? I get that the Fellowship has a history of shooting arrows at helicopters that flew over their compound (which, are you fucking kidding me) but he can’t take down guns. Also? Reporters use helicopters all the time for high speed chases so what’s to say nobody’s following Lark and recording him the whole time? It’s all just incredibly baffling and comes across as a fever-dream.

IS IT BECAUSE I READ THE ARC, OR ARE THERE THINGS THAT MAKE NO DAMN SENSE

Let me back up a bit to the part about Calvin social media account. He’s a professional cosplayer and we first meet him in Thranduil cosplay for a convention. He runs a Patreon account for his sexier pics and he has a Twitter with 11k followers and 58k followers on Instagram. So, male cosplayer influencer levels I suppose. But this book is annoying and shows zero knowledge of how Instagram works?? For no reason that makes sense, the book says that Calvin is able to upload TWELVE IG stories and record it all in one session explaining everything surrounding Lark’s story as a plea for folks to him on his quest.

For anyone who doesn’t know, like the author of this book(???), you can only upload four 15-second stories at a time with the native app. So I don’t know what this book is playing at. He should’ve just done a Live and saved that? Or recorded the IG stories, saved them all first, and then uploaded the videos in segments of 10? Might be too much to explain in the book but anyone who knows how to use IG would point out this just isn’t how IG works the way it’s written in this book. Trying to oversimplify doesn’t make things easier to understand, it just seems like ignorance.

ANYWAYS. That went off-topic. But essentially Calvin explains everything in 3 minutes somehow.

I know the importance for the FBI to have people to collaborate Kane’s story against Nova and how they’d need that in court. But. This book has Miller asking questions of all the members in the Fellowship like she didn’t already hear it from Kane already? Like, genuinely not knowing and not asking just to see what their story is. I know I’m reading an ARC but I question how much is getting reworked before publication. Because there’s a LOT of inconsistencies within this book.

Even when Lark says he never knew Calvin’s last name near the end of the book in chapter 27? Lark clearly heard it on the radio report earlier in the book in chapter 23 during Lark’s POV chapter, so is that part getting edited at all?

At the end there’s a safe Nova kept in her office that Lark had no idea how to open with his “magic” and Nova never told they FBI about the safe (wouldn’t they have found it during their raid???) but for a ~symbolic~ scene or whatever near the end, we’re to believe that they know the combination to open the safe somehow. It is never explained how they know the combo to open the safe.

It is also NEVER explained where Nova and her husband got the money to buy the land the Fellowship lives. It is a park, a zoo (animals were conveniently no longer there when they bought it), a rec center, a disc golf course, and has swimming pools by a lake in the middle of a neighborhood in the middle of town??? It’s called Druid Hill and I just want to know HOW did the city of Baltimore let them buy this? It’s 745 acres. No cult could just buy this up with no money and just stay there without disruptions from folks for almost 30 years on what used to be public land. This cult isn’t in the middle of nowhere. It’s literally steps away from a dog park and a very nice neighborhood. This isn’t a Scientology goes after the IRS for tax-exemption status and uses that money to slowly take over the city of Clearwater, Florida scenario. Nova and her husband had enough money to buy the land up and the city just let them? That doesn’t make any sense.

There are multiple references to Harry Potter in this book. Will they be cut out before this book is published? It’s all offhand one sentence comments and are highly unnecessary to the story so to ME, it seems like an easy fix to cut it all out.

But whether they do or not in the final, or if any changes get made, I guess I’ll never know since I have no plans to read this again. Even if Briggon Snow (more famously known for his podcast work in The Bright Sessions) is narrating Calvin in the audiobook. I just simply will not re-read a book where the author somehow makes their other book, Docile, seem like a literary masterpiece.

THE MAGIC, OR LACK THEREOF

The magic aspect of this book is bad and if the promise of magic is what made you pick up this book, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. This book is contemporary in my mind. The way the cult members think they get their magical powers is by being hurt. Of course, Nova is never involved in the physical beatings or pain they inflict on themselves or each other. It’s sorely veiled as BDSM and a show of love through hurt for their partners. Bringing Calvin into this is egregious. Calvin knows what he does to Lark is wrong and experiences a Dom drop after using the cat o' nine tails (something he’s NEVER USED BEFORE MIGHT I ADD). Why have Calvin go through with it at all???

Imploying sadomasochism for magic should be handled with care but this book just...uses it as a means to shock the reader? We are to straddle a line between what’s real and what’s not while reading this story. And this book ultimately shows that ~magic has been inside you all along~ and ~it’s the friends you made along the way~. It’s a huge “what the everloving FUCK” feeling while reading this book.

The book never commits to actual magic. Any reader wanting to read a book with magic will not find it here.

DIVERSITY?

Look. I’m all for characters telling folks what their pronouns are but the way this book went about it felt way forced. Apparently the cult members are the progressive ones who must introduce themselves with their pronouns and looks down on outsiders for not doing the same? It came across as super awkward and how the cult looks down on everyone else. Are we supposed to side with the cult for some reason? Because yes, respect people’s pronouns? But telling people to introduce themselves with their pronouns as a positive cult characteristic is an extremely weird one to take.

It’s also weird that in a book that’s set in Baltimore (yet again by the author) that the characters in this book are mostly white. But if white characters are what he’s comfortable writing, I would prefer that. It’s just, why are they all set in Baltimore? The city is around 63% Black but for SOME REASON almost all his books are filled with white people. I’m not saying he should write books with Black characters, I’m just saying he needs to move his books out of Baltimore.

What is oddly pointed out pretty late in the book is that Kane is actually “East Asian” and that’s the end of that. What’s the point of saying he’s East Asian and not diving into that and how he winded up in a cult of white people? Is Kane Chinese, Korean, Japanese, or...? I would like to know the how of Kane’s family presumably getting into this white woman’s cult and if they’re even still in it or are they looking for their son? But YET AGAIN the author does the bare minimum. While it’s nice Kane braves his horrors and escapes a cult on his own terms, he’s also seen as the bad guy from Lark’s perspective for turning them all in.

The most traumatizing chapters are from Kane’s perspective AND it was on Kane to save the cult members. That’s a lot of burden to put on your ONE character of color while you have a ton of white characters doing pointless shit. I’m East Asian (Chinese American even) and I feel personally offended.

WHAT I WOULD RECOMMEND READING INSTEAD

I wouldn’t normally recommend everyone to go read better books in a review, but this book was the longest 300 pages I’ve ever read and I don’t care anymore.

If you want a m/m YA book (that turns into a m/m/f polyam guest appearance in the companion book) where magic is explained in a contemporary setting, read THE WICKER KING by K. Ancrum.

If you want a m/m PNR dark romance where a character has to learn to live and acclimate to modern day amenities, read LAURENT AND THE BEAST by K.A. Merikan.

If you want a m/m romance about life after surviving a cult, read GOODBYE PARADISE by Sarina Bowen.

If you want a m/m road trip romance AND convention fun, read CONVENTIONALLY YOURS by Annabeth Albert. Another cross-country road trip m/m romance by Annabeth Albert is STATUS UPDATE.

I SWEAR, I’M ALMOST DONE

If you somehow made it this far in the review, I I’m so sorry. This really is the longest fucking review I’ve ever written and I could still keep going. But I had many, many thoughts. This book isn’t worth spending time reading. I legitimately can’t tell you who this book is for. I don’t think the author has the capacity to handle the topics in his books. He didn’t with Docile, and he definitely didn’t here.

This book is a mess that made Docile look like a masterclass in writing. And like, I HATED all the courtroom drama in the author’s full-length book debut, but you know what book deserved some courtroom drama? THIS one. We never see the resolution of Nova getting locked up or if there are cult members who still believe (because you expect me to believe everyone who was born into it suddenly decides she’s the bad guy?), and this book didn’t even MENTION arresting and charging the Elders who we know raped Lark, and who knows if they did that to any others. Where are the charges against them?

Anyways, I gave Szpara a chance with these two books and both were not fun and comes across as an excuse for writing and publishing torture porn. He has a third book coming out with Tor, but I have absolutely no intention of reading another book by him when it’s clear he cannot handle the topics he chooses to dive into.

***Thanks to the publisher for approving me for this ARC on NetGalley.***

After enjoying Szpara’s debut novel, Docile—while also recognizing and acknowledging the important critiques around how race was represented within it—I wanted to give his sophomore work a shot. I’m a sucker for cult stories, unreliable narrators, messy relationships, and explorations of deep rooted trauma, especially when they involve queer characters and are written by a queer author, and that’s what I thought I would be getting out of this. And I did get that… sort of? The ‘sort of’ part is more where my critique of First, Become Ashes rests.

Before we begin, I want to preface this review by stating that my rating isn’t influenced by the content warned for at the beginning of the book: “explicit sadomasochism and sexual content, as well as abuse and consent violations, including rape.” I can confirm those are all present and in many cases rendered in excruciating detail, so if any of those themes are upsetting to you at all, please give this one a pass. Having spent so much time in the realm of fanfiction (which is wonderful, contains many valid and beautiful stories both explicit and for general audiences, and is a valid form of writing and reading and personal exploration), there’s… y’all, there’s not a lot I HAVEN’T seen at this point. The two stars is not for the content that is sometimes deeply disturbing, sometimes charged and erotic, and sometimes a deliberate mixture of the two many may find challenging or not for them.

The story follows three primary POVs: Lark, our protagonist and Anointed one who is deeply entrenched in the abuse and beliefs of the Fellowship; Kane, his Anointed partner in multiple senses of the word who leaves Lark and then shows up again during the FBI raid on the Fellowship that opens up the book; and Calvin, successful cosplayer, influencer, and all around nerd. We also have Deryn, a non-binary POV character who believes themself to be Lark’s sibling, who has chapters sporadically throughout the novel. In addition to these four rotating POVs, we also have different time lines, split into Now/’Confidential’ (Past).

I think this novel suffered for the jarring and tonally dissonant mashing up of time lines. In the now, we follow Lark’s journey after the cult is busted but while he still believes he needs to go on his quests to kill ambiguously referenced ‘monsters’, teaming up with Calvin after they encounter one another at a convention by chance. From numerous pop culture references—including 6 or 7 Harry Potter references, which truly I thought we were done with—to wild treks in the woods, to learning how to use a cell phone, to sadomasochistic rituals on the side of the highway to recharge ‘magic’, to sensual hair washing, the Now time line is all over the place for me. Even with the wide swathe of topics covered in the Now, I could still get on board with it if it was more focused on Lark and how he comes to terms with the raid on the Fellowship and his subsequent entry into the ‘real’ world.

However, the juxtaposition of the ‘Confidential’ time line, which largely deals with Kane recounting the massive amounts of trauma and abuse the members of the Fellowship underwent (and contains the most intense, though not all, of the content warnings listed at the beginning of the book/review) made the structure of this book hard to follow. I don’t feel this novel was well served by the insertion of Massive Trauma, Stage Left after the chaotic modern day shenanigans of the other time line. A narrative digging deep into the Fellowship and its abuses, while it would have been hard to read, would have made for a more compelling story. As it stands, even though I don’t believe this was the intent of choosing to interweave the two stories, Kane’s ‘Confidential’ time line ended up feeling wildly jarring and out of place. It seemed positioned for shock value in some cases and taboo titillation—which again, your kink is not my kink—in others which disrupted the coherency of the story. Add in Deryn’s POV, which I’m still not sure what it aimed to accomplish aside from a thin link to ideas about familial connection and redemption (even though hey, non-binary character who uses they/them pronouns, cool), and you have a tangled mess of elements pulling in several entirely separate directions.

The other main reason this book didn’t work for me was a lack of character motivation. We are told Lark needs to kill a monster, but we are not sold on the why other than ‘he believes it’, and the comparatively little space we get of him unpacking his trauma feels rushed. We are meant to believe Calvin would leave his normal, successful life complete with friends and support systems on two premises: that he’s so desperate to feel special he wants to believe ‘magic’ exists, and that Lark looks super hot dressed as an elf. Kane has the strongest and most sensible motivations in the beginning, but some of the choices he makes late game are perplexing and nonsensical to me. And again, beyond Deryn’s conviction that a blood relation means something, I wasn’t sold on why they chose to do the things they did within the novel beyond the motivations I was told and not shown.

Add in weak antagonists who are poorly developed or taken off screen without a satisfying payoff for the reader, women painted exclusively as sidekicks or villains yet again, and several key elements of the worldbuilding left ambiguous to the point of ‘frustrating’ instead of ‘intriguing’, and I sadly have to say First, Become Ashes wasn’t for me.

Your mileage, of course, may vary. I would have loved to see either the cult trauma or the (anti?) hero’s journey story lines delved into more deeply rather than the confusing mash that was the two. The jury is out at this point if I will be picking up another Szpara novel; despite his exploration of topics I SHOULD be interested in, I think there’s just too much of a differential in the lenses we approach them in. As long as you are in a space to handle the provided content warnings, I think those who choose to pick it up will have strong opinions one way or the other about First, Become Ashes. It’s not a story that provides a lot of room for a middle of the road opinion, and unfortunately I fell on the less favourable side.

Thank you to Tor and NetGalley for an advance copy in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are my own.

This was something unlike any book I have ever read. This was an adult lgbt sci fi-fantasy told in multiple points of view.

The Fellowship of the Anointed is where Lark and Kane have grown up. They are partners. They love and care for each other in every sense of the word. But when Kane realizes that the Fellowship is not a good place and that they are being abused there under the guise of magic and knowledge, he is determined to get out...

Lark has been raised with the one solid belief that he will kill monsters one day to protect The Fellowship. It is what he has trained for his whole life. At the age of 25, they are sent off into the world to do their magical duty and Kane is leaving before Lark. But he never expected for the next time he sees Kane to be when he is flanked by SWAT and government officials. And he doesn’t trust any of them. They say that Nova, the leader of the Fellowship, is bad. They say that this is a life of abuse and manipulation... but Lark doesn’t believe it and he flees.

When Calvin finds Lark alone in an alleyway, he immediately recognizes him from the news. And he decides then and there to help the man.

But what is the truth? Is Lark’s magic real? Are the monsters he has been trained to fight and kill real? The truth about the Fellowship is shocking and heartbreaking. Content warnings should be made apparent in the beginning of this book as there are some graphic depictions of sexual abuse in these pages.

I loved this story as it unfolded. I felt so strongly for Lark and Kane. And I loved the bond between them. I also enjoyed that normal relationship boundaries were not confirmed to... I loved the strong use of pronouns and how they were asked at the meeting of each person. This was a tough pill to swallow, though. I am eager to go back and read Szpara’s previous work.

K.M. Szpara is a master of writing traumatic experiences, and the road to recovery. Docile was one of my favorite reads from last year. So when I received the email from NetGalley announcing that I was approved for a copy of First, Become Ashes I squealed out loud. I thought I was prepared to be broken and rebuilt. But no. I wasn't prepared at all.

Every point of view in this book is masterfully constructed. The profound level of anguish within each chapter draws you in and doesn't let go. I think I read this book in less than 24 hours. I just couldn't put it down. I had to know if the characters made it out of their mental struggles, and were able to see the other side. If Lark can find the rainbow with everything that he experienced, that has to mean their is hope for the rest of us right?

Having read many accounts from outsiders looking in on cults, it was refreshing in a terrifying way to see the innerworkings of a mind within the followers (or anointed). We see the news of cults being "liberated" and often think, "so great those people were freed from a crazy person". But it's not that simple. Real people believed with everything they had in that person. There are real minds facing cognitive dissonance that can't be cured by someone saying "it wasn't real". You can't overcome that level of cognitive dissonance without first burning everything you are as a person, and rebuilding yourself from the ashes.

The way the author tackled this 'after it falls' period, dripped with the feeling that the author did the leg work to understand what goes into being devoted to a cult. Having read Docile, I couldn't imagine any other author writing these experiences.

I was also thankful that the story does not focus on what was done to them during their time behind the gates. Like Docile, the book sets the stage by touching on each aspect of the trauma but lets your mind fill in the rest. By doing this, it gave the book a faster pace, I could envision all the horrors without having to read each transgression on the page. The day to day life while in the cult would have been a book in itself, and that wasn't this story.

Larks journey is empowering in ways I would have never expected. From the connections he makes with outsiders, to the way he comes to terms with his reality being shattered, it's a must read ride. But it's not just him. Every point of view character in this book has a journey that is inspiring, surprising and well written. They were real people that we all know in life.

Calvin was every nerd, wishing the lord of the rings was a place we could visit. I was so thankful for the add in of this con / nerd duo. The two of them brought a comic relief that broke up the horrors of the cult in the right way. It bridged the magic of the cult with the magic of the outside world in a way that amplified the story.

The use of pronouns, gender and sexuality is well crafted. Loved how real it felt, flowing off the characters tongue with ease, not awkwardness or trepidation in the other characters response. It was just apart of society. Normal.

Finally, the use of magic. I don't want to give away spoilers, and it is hard to discuss this aspect of the book without doing so because it was woven into the plot so masterfully you have to read it to understand how much mind f*ckery is going on with it. I mean it's a cult, the magic was obviously a lie. Right? Was it a lie? I NEED TO KNOW.

If you loved Docile, you'll love this book.

Note: LGBT Rep. HP Mention.

Trigger Warnings: Rape, abuse, ptsd, explicit sex, sex with minors.

When I read Docile, I really liked it because it wasn't like anything else I've ever read. It made you think about how that story related to the world now and made you feel for the characters and what they were forced to go through. First, Become Ashes didn't have that same effect on me. The premise was very interesting but it was disjointed and the characters didn't make an impact on me.

We have four different POVs throughout this book: Lark, Kane, Deryn, and Calvin. I think it was valuable to have all of these POVs because every character has a different view on the cult and other characters but they just felt robotic. We didn't see them grow and change throughout this book...they just followed whatever path the author chose for them. Although we saw Kane's journey—going from believing the cult to realizing it's all fake—we didn't really see that from Deryn and Lark. As soon as Deryn talks to Agent Miller, they decide that yes they were in a cult. I didn't quite understand it.

Lark, on the other hand, was brainwashed so badly that he believes deeply in the magic Nova, the cult leader told him existed. The magic in this is what really threw me off because I don't understand if it was real or not. And maybe that's what the author meant to do, but for me, it didn't make the story enjoyable. I just got very very confused, especially when the monster came into play at the end.

I also didn't fully understand Calvin's motives. We get a little bit of his backstory but I think we needed a lot more than that to fully get why Calvin was going along with Lark and we needed more intimate interactions between the two of them.

Szpara could've also given us more of a taste of Lark, Kane, Deryn and others from the cult taking the steps to go to therapy and start assimilating to the outside world. Also—we never see Lark and Deryn reunite with their birth parents...which I felt like was a point made again and again throughout the book.

I did like the diversity in this and the fact that it was normal to ask about people's pronouns but it just didn't have the same feel as Docile.