QUICK TAKE: I liked, but didn't love Szpara's previous book, DOCILE. That being said, the synopsis for the new one had me intrigued (5 minutes in the future where a special group of people have been trained to fight monsters that have overtaken humanity). Unfortunately, I don't think this author is for me. It's hard to go into details without spoiling the story, but once the "monsters" infiltrate the Fellowship's training camp, the book takes a hard 180 and becomes something completely different...I was intrigued by the exploration of disinformation and gaslighting here (again, to give much more away would really spoil this story), but ultimately was a little bored and unsatisfied with FIRST, BECOME ASHES. d

First, Become Ashes was one of my most anticipated reads of 2021. I couldn’t wait to read it and tried to hold out until closer to release date. I made it to December 2020 before I had to pick it up. I really love how this book was written. It’s told in different point of views, some in the present and some in the past and I thought it really weaved the story together nicely.

What drew me into this book was the cult plot. I love stories where a cult is involved and the characters have to learn how to live on the outside. This cult was definitely different as well. They were taught to believe in magic, while being physically and sexually abused by the elders. They learned that their power came through pain.

Lark and Kane has been through a lot of that pain, both being abused in unfathomable ways. I would have liked to see them deal with what happened to them in the cult. I feel like the ending happened to quick, which is the only fault I had with this book.

While this book isn’t going to be for everyone, I do recommend it. Please look at the trigger warnings before reading though.

Thank you so much, NetGalley, Macmillan-Tor/Forge and Tordotcom, for the chance to read and review one of my most anticipated reads in 2021!

TW: sadomachism, violence, sexual abuse, rape, consent violations

For thirty years, the Fellowship of the Anointed isolated its members, convincing them that pain is power, that the outside world is full of monsters they had to kill. Lark was raised to kill them. All his life he believed in his leader's, Nova, words and in her teachings. Pain is power. Discipline, control, he had to avoid temptations and nurture his power. But when his lover, Kane, betrays the Fellowship to the FBI and tries to convince him that everything they were taught isn't real, Lark can't accept it. He knows magic is real and he has a monster to slay and his own quest.

Those who are touched by the Fellowship have to face a choice: adjusting to the world they were taught to fear or following Lark? Kane rejects the magic and the pain he and his lover suffered for it, Deryn sees this opportunity as a chance to prove their worth to the world even though they are not Anointed. Calvin sees in Lark a way to find the magic he's been seeking his entire life.

First, become ashes is a fantastic and brilliant novel about self-discovering, traumas, brainwashing and the strength of facing abuse, loving oneself and healing. Told by four different POVs, Kane's, Lark's, Calvin's and Deryn's and swinging from past, with Kane, to present, with Lark, Calvin and Deryn, the story is skillfully written, intense and, sometimes, painful to read, but really intriguing.
The plot swings from Kane, and how he realized the truths behind Nova's teaching and her lies, to Lark, who is convinced magic is real and he's struggling with his beliefs, to Calvin, who wants to find magic in his world and he's ready to support and follow Lark, to Deryn, Lark's sibling and how Nova's separation between Fellows and Anointed hurt them.

Each character is brilliantly written and relatable. The characterization and the worldbuilding, how the Fellowship was structured, its rituals and teaching...everything is intriguing and well written.
We follow Kane with his doubts and love for Lark, Lark with his beliefs and how he starts to question everything, Deryn with their desire to be seen and listened to, Calvin with his passions and love.

The questioning, the self-discovery, the seeing traumas exactly as it was, everything happens during a road trip and I loved this ploy. While on his quest, Lark starts questioning his beliefs, Nova's teaching, trying to understand what happened to and with Kane, to realize the trauma and abuse.
I love how the plot was woven between the four POVs, with plot twists, painful and tender moments, memories and understandings.

I really enjoyed reading this book and exploring each POVS and how, through Kane's POV, the reader is able to understand his reasons and how he realized everything and decided to do something to save and protect the people he loves; how, though Lark's, we can see how he struggles to adapt and to get to know a world he's been taught to fear and how, slowly, he starts to understand what's real and what's not and what he's been through; how, through Calvin, we follow Lark and his magic, hoping for something more in the world; how, through Deryn, we see their anger and jealousy and also their growth and the willingness to help Lark and to build a bond with him, away from Nova's lies and hurtful teachings.

The relationships between characters were skillfully written and I really loved the bond between Kane and Lark, Lark and Calvin, the friendship between Calvin and Lilian, the relationship between Miller and Kane and Deryn...they were relatable, intense and sweet.

I was really impressed by this book and how the author focused on consent, control and self-discovery and self-love. How the characters went through so much in order to understand one another better and to learn how to love each other and themselves.

First, become ashes is a brilliant book about facing traumas and healing about self-discovering and self-love, about relationships and magic. I loved everything.

First things first: I LOVED Szpara’s debut novel, ‘Docile.’ One of my favorite books of the year, so when I saw this was coming out and was available on NetGalley - I requested & preordered, eager to read what they had up their sleeve next.

And this one was ... fine? Like, I enjoyed most of it. The storyline was compelling (Escaping a cult! Monsters! Magic! Queers! Cosplay!) and some of the characters were likable - but I didn’t get the same thrill as I did when I was reading ‘Docile.’ I didn’t tear through the book, or get the same sense of enjoyment from the storyline. Maybe it was the multiple perspectives (especially Miller’s), or maybe it was the monster storyline that didn’t feel fully fleshed-out (I didn’t really “get it”) - this one just wasn’t for me. Regardless, I really do like how Szpara writes, and the way he tackles things like pain and consent, body autonomy, found family, and queerness. Perhaps I’m comparing this too much to ‘Docile’, but oh well ... glad it exists anyway.

I received a copy from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. Out April 6th, 2021.

I struggled with deciding what I felt after reading First, Become Ashes. The good: great writing, and the hook grabbed me immediately. I inhaled the first third of the book and Szpara sets up a brutally compelling plot while the main character tries to make sense of the real world and discern truth from his memories. I was thrilled the entire time the book asked the question "Is this magic real or not?" But once it came down on the side of "real" it become a little less satisfying to me. I'm not sure why--perhaps it was a personal preference that I didn't want to see the cult's methods/beliefs validated in that way. The ending felt rushed, to me, but satisfying for the characters.

Szpara gives another fantastic story of self-actualization. I do so enjoy how he creates protagonists that I simultaneously love and want to see flourish, but also roll my eyes at and sigh with frustration. I loved how I spent the good majority of the book wondering if the magic was actually real or just a figment of mental illness, and I also loved how the magic changed and grew into something new and beautiful as Lark grew and changed.

After I finished Docile, Szpara’s debut, what I came away with was the validation that it’s okay to forgive the one who abused you. That people are much more complex than they are often perceived to be on paper. And now that I’ve finished Szpara’s second novel, First, Become Ashes, I’m left with the validation that those who experience trauma absolutely do not need to forgive their abusers. That it’s valid to completely expunge them from your life altogether. Both of these books together create the perfect post-trauma duo. Experiences of trauma are so nuanced and Szpara shows that so well in his writing.
Moving past the big feelings I have on trauma and the amazing way this book conquered the topic- the characters are so lovable. I fell in love with Lark, Calvin, and especially Kane. Lark’s aloofness and ignorance of the wonders of the modern world were endearing, Calvin’s spirit and sweetness made him easy to root for, and everything about Kane made my heart clench with love. I wanted to hurt those who hurt them and hug each person that showed them kindness.
I can’t wait to hand sell this to customers at the bookstore and look forward to anything K.M. Szpara’s writes in the future!

✨Firstly, there is a content warning at the beginning of the book that should be taken seriously. There are some shocking and disturbing abuse scenes. Secondly, I like to be informed, so I will share that I did a little research on this book before I read it. There is some controversy surrounding it, feel free to research and decide for yourself before proceeding. ✨
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✨With that established, I read this book in two days. It was fast paced and completely engrossing. At first, it was like The OA meets Divergent. Then you are shell shocked into a completely different reality, when everything the main character has ever known their whole life is revealed to be a lie. You feel the hurt and betrayal right along with the MC. The rest of the story was truly unique.✨
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✨I enjoy speculative fiction, found family, magical realism, LGBTQIA and non-binary characters and this book has all of that. This story broke its own ground and created its own rules. The main character of Lark was both the hero on a hero’s journey and the foil of his own belief system. Calvin was such a cute, tender nerdy side character. Kane was so good, so loving and steadfast. I enjoyed them all. ✨
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✨The magical aspects of this book are always being called into question. Is it real? Or is the human spirit, is true belief the key to unlocking super human powers? I like that it is ambiguous and lets the reader make some of those decisions for themselves.✨
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✨ All that being said, there were a few things that didn’t work for me. I would really have enjoyed more. More of the side characters, more of the villain Nova, more of her protests of innocence, more of how she got away with all that she did and how she was eventually punished. I would have liked more world building and yes, gasp, a little less sex. There were places where it was distracting rather than building intimacy. ✨
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✨Overall, if you can overcome graphic content and not so neat world building, this was a fast paced and thoroughly entertaining read.✨

Full review nearer the time not least because I need to cogitate on this a bit. Szpara certainly writes Marmite books – or controversial books if you’re easily offended. I disagreed with the masses shouting that Docile (his debut) was racist and fetishized abuse. I disagree that this on is just thinly disguised erotica with abuse, dubious consent and age difference issues. (People get up in arms about these things as if there is a clear set of guidelines which applies to everyone – there isn’t. Trying to homogenise personal morality and accountability and ignoring nuance is unhelpful and damaging.) To me this read as a spec fic story about experiencing and learning to overcome abuse, especially sexual abuse as well as challenging the conditioning you receive as a child. This will not be for everyone. Personally I thought the author did some things well and other things a bit yuck – which was how I felt about Docile tbh. He’s definitely a compelling writer. Try Docile before you try this because this is far more sexually violent.

I loved the authors first book, despite being straight female a of a certain age. First, become ashes was as good and more accessible to a general audience. The background of the cult is front of mind now, and the elements of Sadism bring to can refer back to the Nexium cult.
The difference is that I found myself rooting for the characters, who were all sympathetic.
All in all an imaginative novel with rounded characters, an intriguing plot and satisfying resolution.

A fascinating speculative fiction book unlike any other that delves deeply into questions of faith, consent, healing, and more. This is the first book I've read of Szpara's, and it's genuinely inventive at every turn, confronting fantasy tropes and imbuing them with queerness and non-traditional sexuality and romance. I read it in two days, and am excited to read more of Szpara's work. This won't be everyone's cup of tea (see the trigger warnings below), and it still feels a bit messy in some places, but overall a fine work by upcoming talent.

Content warnings for: [ abuse, assault, BDSM, dubious consent]

No detail of this story holds up against the barest scrutiny. Where are anybody’s parents? Who let this creepy woman buy this park and just...run a commune on it? Why are the kids in the cult the only ones with magic (yes, it’s a Magic Cult, if I didn’t say that already)? Are there other kids in the cult besides the five who get names? How did Lark get away so easily from the literal FBI? We could spend thousands of words listing what doesn’t make sense, but let’s move on to what does: Szpara has basically just taken all of the beats of his debut novel Docile and rewritten them into something somehow even more upsetting--and at least as racist, if not more. Stop me if you’ve heard this one: Lark is a hot young man with no control over his circumstances. Kane is a hot young man who knows that what he does to his hot young man companion is bad, but he just loves him and thinks he’s sexy and it’s just the system, man, what can you do? Eventually Lark is ripped from the arms of his beloved abuser by “normal, moral” society and forced to view his abuse as bad. A third hot young man, Calvin, helps the first hot young man heal from his sexual abuse by having sex with him, naturally. Then they confront their demons in a neat three-page tie-up (no pun intended) and in the end they’re all poly. Done! Where Docile minimized the sexual violence against enslaved people under the quasi-woke pretense of “interrogating the debt crisis," First Become Ashes places Lark, a white person, as the “oppressed” existing in opposition to the “system” (basically one lone cardboard cutout with “FBI Agent” Sharpied on her). Several times throughout the book, characters assure Lark that they aren’t going to call the cops on him, post Instagram stories in support of his journey, block off highway ramps so the cops can’t get to him, and otherwise materially and emotionally aid in his journey to...fight a monster…? A goal that is not explained whatsoever until the last few pages, when an actual literal monster emerges from the ground and he kills it in like five sentences. Then suddenly the FBI are chill and it’s all good. There are characters of color (Kane is specifically described as East Asian), but the only identity that has any currency or material consequences is “cult member.” And any action to protect the cult member is activism. By this logic, Kane, the only primary character of color, is responsible for oppressing Lark, our white hero.
What I find so odious about this is that Szpara uses a lot of pro-queer, “antiracist,” anti-cop language and framing to obscure the absolutely heinous sexual scenes that are absolutely designed to be arousing and exciting to the reader. I’ve read plenty of ~erotic fantasy~ with niche sexual perspectives that simply didn’t do it for me, or squicked me out personally. I just finished them and moved on. In this book, however, the rape-disguised-as-sex-scenes aren’t just a commentary on abuse, or designed to give the reader an unflinching look at the true physical nature of the abuse they suffered. They’re supposed to be sexy.

Thank you to netgalley for this ARC in exchange for an honest review!

I marked it four stars, but it’s honestly more of a 3.5. Curses to all for not having a decimal based rating system!
Regardless, I enjoyed this book without a doubt. It was very strange, and very fascinating, and the characters (especially the dynamic between Lark and Kane, and the comparison of their belief systems) were continually interesting to read about. I love the psychology behind this book, and everything it represents. The cult itself, the Fellowship of the Anointed, as well as Calvin’s attraction to the idea that magic might be real, sucked me RIGHT THE FUCK IN. It was veeeery realistic, to the point where part of me was very much worried for myself should I have been put in that situation.
One thing I can’t say I particularly enjoyed, though, and SPOILER FOR THOSE READING, IGNORE THIS NEXT BIT, was that the magic DID end up being real. (I think? I’m still a little unclear, but I’m 99% sure the magic was real...) The whole time I was waiting for some psychological reasoning behind the magic, and I was a little disappointed when there wasn’t one. Also Lark’s fight with the monster admittedly confused me and felt sort of out of place in regards to the rest of the book.

Over all, though, I would recommend this book, especially if weird cult vibes and fascinating character mentalities are your thing!

First, Become Ashes follows a survivor of a cult still clinging to his teachings. He flees the FBI, and by chance, he stumbles onto a con and mistakes a cosplayer dressed as Thrandruil for an actual king. Together they embark on a quest to fight monsters.

First off, I enjoyed that the story teeters between magical realism and urban fantasy and readers are left questioning alongside Lark whether magic is indeed real.

However, the comedy in this story is jarring. It feels like a rom-com smattered with flashbacks of graphic rape and child abuse, leaving me with tonal whiplash and a bad taste in my mouth. For me personally, the heavy subject matter was not handed deftly, and even though the novel begins with trigger warnings, I wish that same care had been extended to not treating child abuse survivors as the butt of a joke.

All in all, as someone who has worked with abuse survivors, this story really rubbed me the wrong way.

After receiving a copy of this book, and being assigned by my editor, I reviewed this book on behalf of Booklist.

A huge thank you to Tor for allowing me to read this title.

First off, some content warnings: rape, abuse of a minor, self-harm, violence.

I read DOCILE earlier this year and didn't love it as much as I wanted to. Still, I found the writing to be excellent, and the obvious fanfic influences charming. FIRST, BECOME ASHES was going to be an insta-read for Szpara alone, but the blurb sealed it for me.

FIRST, BECOME ASHES is not an easy book. The content warnings listed don't give you the full picture of the horrors Lark was subject to by the Fellowship of the Anointed. Szpara handles the subject of long-term sexual abuse and manipulation well; you can that there was care in writing the nuances of an imperfect victim.

And Lark is very much an "imperfect victim." He's an unreliable narrator and a bit of a zealot. Though we as readers know the Fellowship of the Anointed is nothing more than a cult and that monsters and magic don't exist, Lark very much believes the opposite. You might find yourself wanting to grab him by the shoulders and shake him on occasion—I know I did. But it's his refusal to accept that all of his pain and suffering was for nothing that makes him such a sympathetic character.

We always tell ourselves that we would never end up like the people we see in cult documentaries. That we are superior, or that those in cults are somehow weaker, but what Szpara so expertly demonstrates is that if hope is a powerful motivator, hopelessness is possibly even more so.

But FIRST, BECOME ASHES is not a hopeless story; it is a tragedy, an epic hero's journey, a dark comedy, fandom lit, and much more. It subverts your expectations and blurs the line between reality and fantasy.

I did have a few qualms, of course. While there is a cast of characters outside of Lark, you get the sense they're only there to prop up Lark. That's fine and all, but since we do get chapters told from the POV of these characters, it would have been nice to see them fully realized. Even Calvin felt more like a plot device than a fully-realized character, and I found his relationship with Lark to be awkward and inconsistent.

(That said, I may or may not have teared up at the parting words of Calvin's final chapter)

Despite it's shortcomings, this was an enjoyable read that has earned a place on my Best of 2020 list. I'm glad there's a market for queer authors to write messy queer stories, and I can't wait to see what weird, dark read Szpara comes up with next.

A huge thank you to NetGalley and Tor, for providing me with an ARC in exchange for an honest review.First, Become Ashes is a story about leaving an abusive upbringing behind and finding who you are beyond the pain. About cult brainwashing through (quite explicit) sexual abuse, and about deprogramming and reclaiming your sexuality after coming out the other side of the hell you've been through. This is one of those books that is tricky to review without giving away details that would take away from the experience of reading it. This book feels almost like a new genre to me... like a merging of fantasy and mainstream fiction with a dash of pop culture thrown in.

First of all, let it be known that K M Szpara is an incredibly talented author, and whatever he releases into the world, I will read it first chance I get. I really can't wait to see what he does next.

First, Become Ashes is a story about leaving an abusive upbringing behind and finding who you are beyond the pain. About cult brainwashing through (quite explicit) sexual abuse, and about deprogramming and reclaiming your sexuality after coming out the other side of the hell you've been through. It's also very much about magic - rites, rituals and spells as well as the magic that comes from love and chosen familial bonds.

These are all narratives that Szpara handles well. Particularly when it comes to the themes of sexual abuse and healing, I feel the story is nuanced in a way that I've rarely found anywhere else in fiction. This is something that I loved about his previous novel, Docile, as well. As a survivor of sexual abuse, I appreciate the care that Szpara takes to portray these things in a very real, yet non-exploitative manner.

First, Become Ashes has what I would call unreliable narration pretty much throughout the whole story. I find, after finishing the book, that I'm not sure I trust any of the four POV characters to fully see the truth of things. I like that in a book. Is this magical realism? Is it straight up urban fantasy with real magic coursing through its pages? You'll have to read it to form your own opinion. The only thing I know is that I don't know. And as a reader, I'm pretty comfortable with that.

Having said that, I didn't end up enjoying this as much as I did Szpara's previous novel. This has absolutely nothing to do with how this second novel was written as a whole (wonderfully, exquisitely) or the subject matter (original and thought-provoking). Personally, I just loved the characters and the dystopian premise of Docile far more. However, I will still recommend this book to anyone who wants a fairly unique take on cults, tons of great representation across the board and an engaging adventure from one of the most interesting and talented authors of this generation. Like I said, I honestly can't wait to see what he does next.

What a GREAT book. It makes you think about what is real, how much power belief can have, and the good that can be accomplished by regular people. The main character was raised by a cult and even when the cult gets busted up by the FBI, he can't stop thinking along the lines that he's been taught. He goes on the run, determined to fight some monster that may or may not really exist depending on if the cult leader was telling the truth or not. This book will make your stomach twist at some of the scenes (and PAY ATTENTION to the content warnings at the start of the book because this book pulls NO PUNCHES) but still manages to be sweet at other points.

And as a genderqueer person, I really appreciate that for all the bad the cult did, they were really respectful of pronouns and genderqueer individuals! The cultists always ask when they meet a new person, and the main character may use he/him pronouns, but he still gets annoyed at people for assuming, which I totally get.

Anyway, fantastic. K M Szpara books are never easy reads but always so, so good.