After reading numerous Christian marriage books that only made my marital problems worse (instead of better!) I started seeking out nonreligious marriage help, and that's when things finally began to improve.

Think about that for a moment.

It saddens me to think about how many people have gone through the same thing for years and decades. Friends, this should not be.

This book is a breath of fresh air. It assures me of one VERY important thing that the other "Christian" books never did -- that I am valuable. That I am loved. That I matter. I'm here for more than serving a man's needs. My needs matter too.

They matter. I matter.

If you've been hurt by Christian marriage books, you need to read this now. If you've never read a Christian marriage book, you need to read this one before you pick up any other.

You matter.

This is a groundbreaking book on covering sex from a Christian perspective. The world has tried to pervert this gift from God for married people. This book redeems it.

Clearly this is a book for adults. I think engaged couples would be served well by reading this book. They do illuminate principles that would be helpful for married couples as well.

I feel like this subject is rarely talked about in a healthy way. If one felt comfortable, this might be a good book for discussion. But I would not recommend it for couples to discuss together as that would get uncomfortable quickly.

As I read through the book, I definitely began to realize misconceptions. Sometimes we feel guilty over actions that are not ours to own. We each are responsible for our own actions and thoughts. Someone cannot make us stumble without our permission or thought.

For me, I have been blessed by being married to a good man who thinks of me and my needs. This opened my eyes to the fact that not every marriage would be the same way. I am sure hearing from troubled marriages had to be hard for the authors. There are definitely some confused thinkers out there.

As for rating, I think I would give this book a 4.5 star. My hesitancy in giving the book a five star is the fact that part of this book is to criticize other books. They had strict protocols and followed a specific rubric for evaluating all of the books. But for me, that was a hard part of the book.

Since they are taking out only the parts that they disagree with, there may be other parts in the book that would be acceptable. Since one of the goals of the book seems to be to refute lies about sex, perhaps this is the only approach that they could do. But it still made me a feel a bit uncomfortable. I tend to look at the positive side, so it is not surprising that the criticism part made me a bit sad.

This was not a quick read for me. Plenty of information to absorb. I was provided a copy through NetGalley. I wanted to read and review the book. All opinions are my own.

I think the book would be a fantastic read for the given audience, but the idea of reframing sex from the traditional Christian lens was sadly not what I experienced. I felt the book was still consistent with ideals that placed judgement on certain behaviours and promoted opinions that were consistent with what I've always heard growing up.

Perhaps a Christian reader would feel different and I hope that they gain more from the book than I did.

Thank you to NetGalley for the ARC.

I was with some Christian ladies recently and we were encouraged to give a soon-to-be bride some encouragement. After a couple of ladies spoke, I realized it was the same kind of advice I used to get and give. As a newlywed I read books on marriage and sex so I could figure out how to do it God’s way. However, after 20 years of marriage (and counseling) I’ve learned that a lot of what I was told was not the way God intended it to be.

Sheila Wray Gregorie’s ambitious research project became the book, The Great Sex Rescue. In it she identifies the most problematic teaching from popular evangelical marriage books. The research reveals the teachings that were most damaging and suggests how to reframe messages about sex in ways that promote healthy relationships without abandoning God’s sexual ethic. So many books that seek to be corrective end up falling in the opposite ditch. Gregorie keeps God’s design for marriage in the center and points out the problematic teachings and their unhealthy outcomes.

For instance, one harmful teaching that is encouraged in other books is: A wife is obligated to give her husband sex whenever he wants it. Yet, in their research they found that women reported worse sex if they have a sense of obligation. They reframe the issue to state that each spouse should make the other’s sexual pleasure their priority. The book also addresses the undo pressure placed on women (blaming a wife for a husband’s porn use or affairs) while restating that each spouse is responsible for their own faithfulness and responsibility. Sex is a vital part of marriage that both spouses are meant to enjoy. This book will help couples examine what they’ve been taught and if it’s contributing to issues in their sex life. The questions in each chapter are helpful conversation starters and places to pause and take personal inventory.

It’s an important corrective for those who consumed the popular Christian marriage and sex books of the 90s and 2000s. I don’t know if I’d recommend it as the best go-to book for sex and marriage for new couples, but it is essential reading for those impacted by those misguided teachings. I think it is a necessary book for leaders in the church who want to be able to identify the harmful messages their congregations have taken in and continue to pass on to others. It will equip you to understand and reframe conversations about sex in a way that affirms God's gift without unintentionally endorsing faulty teaching.

Find out more at GreatSexRescue.com or Sheila’s blog at ToLoveHonorAndVacuum.com

I received an advance copy of this book from the publisher. All opinions are my own.

This is a very important book. The authors piece by piece dismantle well-intentioned but damaging Christian marital advice that has led to abuse and shame. It's very needed; I've seen the positive impact it's had on friends and acquaintances of mine and know it must be spreading around the world.

There's so much more to delve into that I'm very glad the To Love, Honor, and Vacuum blog and the Bare Marriage podcast exist to do just that. A valuable book to read with a spouse or alone (man or woman). I also wish they'd spent time on how women, not just men, struggle with porn.

I unfortunately think it's going to lose a lot of its most needed audience by the egalitarian push near the beginning. If that isn't something you agree with, keep going. The book is so valuable and needed.

The Great Sex Rescue is an excellent book. It's also deeply upsetting, infuriating, and sometimes heartbreaking. The decades of harm done to women (and men) by terrible, un-Christlike teaching in books and from pulpits are an enormous black mark against the church. The fact that they're still being preached and the books are still being promoted and recommended is appalling. I sincerely hope that the work done here to drag these destructive messages into the light ultimately causes them to shrivel and wither away. I hope that those who have heard and/or believed them will find freedom and healing in these pages. This book is a much-needed step towards the church having healthy, life-giving conversations about sex.

This book is cultivating a whole new Christian dialogue about sex within marriage. It's making okay (and good), things that have long been uncomfortable and taboo. It's giving solid biblical foundation for what sex is defined as and what it is NOT.

I was able to appreciate these guidelines being laid out with biblical text backing them up. While there are certain areas that Sheila and I disagree (egalitarian vs. complementation), this is one area where it is clearly defined on both sides, what marriage bed should look like.

TGSR wades through many of the ways in which sex becomes skewed, including trauma, pornography, rape, medical sufferings, and redefines what sex should look like in contrast to those things, and how those things can be redeemed and reconciled. It relies heavily on defining consent and providing fulfillment for both partners.

Changing how sex is defined/treated starts with the mature, biblically based conversations that are had and this is a great, unique tool to help jumpstart these conversations!

This is a very good book about sex in Christian marriages. It mentions several books NOT to read, books that have gained great popularity in the Christian community, much to its demise.

Sheila Wray Gregoire did an extensive survey of Christian women to see which teachings in the popular books were helpful and which were harmful to relationships.

Gregoire says, "In reading all of these bestselling Christian sex and marriage books, we found ourselves dumbfounded by how little is being asked of men."

Why do these teachings become popular? One reason might be that:

"Sex has been taught primarily through a male lens, mostly by male authors and by male speakers at marriage conferences. Women’s experiences have been largely overlooked or ignored, while women are seen as tools to help men get what they want. That’s not Christian. That’s not of Jesus."

But not all the books and teachings they researched were harmful. On the contrary, helpful teachings they found in Christian literature included framing intimate relationships as mutual and equally beneficial to both partners, both for physical pleasure and for emotional connectivity.

The positive books included this message:

"Sex is about both of you. Both of you should give and receive; both of you should feel loved and cherished."

The bottom line of The Great Sex Rescue is that the best relationships involve mutuality in the bedroom, contrary to what Christian women are often taught in many of our most popular marriage books.

My thanks to NetGalley and Baker Books for the review copy of this book.

I'm sure it's been said many times already, but this book falls squarely in the "welcome corrective" category of nonfiction. The authors take on the biggest names in the Christian marriage book industry an ask an obvious, yet rarely asked question: "Are these books actually giving healthy advice for couples?" And they follow that question with a look into the impact of the popular advice given.

The book doesn't stop at critique, though. It offers correctives paired with its own advice, and comfort for those dealing with painful sex, infidelity, checked-out spouses, etc. The book is also standout in its holding of both men and women to the same standard of accountability in the relationship, rather than giving out free passes or making the marriage mostly the woman's responsibility. It straight talks with care and honesty.

If you're a provider or consumer of Christian marriage books, add this one to your library.

My experience growing up in conservative, evangelical Amercia was that if I followed the formula, don't kiss or have sex until married to a Christian man, voila! I would be guaranteed a happy, blissful marriage and amazing sex until death do us part. I followed the formula almost to a T. My experience of real marriage did/does not equal that dreamed of outcome. Most churches and small groups I have been a part of barely mention the topic, and when they do, it's boiled down to some out-of-context verses perhaps or general teachings of tradition within the church.

This book reveals so many pernicious lies that have crept into so much of modern understanding within the evangelical world today. And then, it graciously goes beyond to give Jesus-centered advice on how to work toward realigning our thinking and behaviors to heal from all the gunk our false-thinking has gotten us into in our relationships, as well as to change our future trajectories.

Even if you are experiencing a marriage with all the bliss promised/expected, this book is so great at helping reinforce and encourage great, mutual, kind relationships, and also has so many great tools to reach out and help others around you that want so much more than mediocre or to settle for just being "roommates".

I know this sentiment has already been echoed a few times, but I will add my echo to the throng: I SO wish this resource would have been available to me in high school and/or college!

I learned a lot of things as a young Christian that were confusing and somewhat harmful to my marriage relationship. I so appreciated how this book made clear those fallacies. I firmly believe this author is on the right track. The book was both helpful and insightful with clear guidance and teaching. I have been recommending it to people everywhere.

One does not have to spend long looking into the world of greater Evangelicalism to discern the Evangelical Marital Industrial Complex: all of the messages that relate to sexuality and the expected exercise of sexuality in marriage leading to having children. Perhaps few things over the past thirty years have become as definitively Evangelical as this marital industrial complex: everything from purity culture to "Christic manhood" to "Biblical womanhood" is covered within it.

We are watching a great reckoning taking place with this Evangelical Marital Industrial Complex, especially in terms of its toxic excesses. The Josh Harris arc and the long line of traumatized men and women tells us all we need to know about the ugliness of purity culture. Du Mez has well analyzed the American conservative anchoring of what passes for Evangelical masculinity in Jesus and John Wayne. Yes, there are many movements toward full egalitarianism about, yet even some who would maintain a more "complementarian" posture are exposing the toxic excesses of what passes for "Biblical womanhood."

And Gregoire et al have set their sights on the toxic ugliness of what passes for Evangelical sexuality in marriage.

While I have discussed other toxic features of the Evangelical Marital Industrial Complex, the authors focus only on the advice given regarding sex in marriage in many commonly recommended Evangelical marital resources and as reflected in the teaching and instruction men and women (ok, mostly women) have received regarding sex in marriage in greater Evangelicalism.

The authors do very well at making their clear contrast between what has generally been taught in Evangelicalism and what is a more healthy and Biblical understanding of sexuality: in these Evangelical resources, sex is a need of men and women ought to give it to them without any real expectation that it will be much good for them. According to God's purposes in marriage, sexuality is a mutually beneficial gift within the marriage relationship, and ought to be a means by which each partner ought to prioritize the pleasure of one another over themselves.

The authors work out this general principle according to the many dimensions it has been abused in greater Evangelicalism: the importance of getting to know one another vs. just rushing right into it after the wedding; getting to know one another's bodies and desires as opposed to just assuming the man always wants it and the woman never does; the importance of loyalty and the need to resist temptation and porn, and for the man to own that, as opposed to expecting the wife's body to be the means by which he can resist porn; the difficulty with the expectation of "duty sex" and how many men do not even understand how thoroughly ingrained it is in women to always say yes even if they don't want it; the reality of marital rape vs. a galling lack of concern for consent in many Evangelical marital guides. The authors do attempt to encourage their readers about means by which they can improve their sex lives and get beyond the distortions and toxicity they have encountered in Evangelical marital guides.

I personally must confess that I have often recommended the Love & Respect material, primarily because I have believed that its general message about communication in relationships has proven useful in marital contexts. I personally had not thought much of its advice regarding sex and sexuality, even though its perspective is not my own. But having it put this way absolutely shows how toxic its views on sexuality can be in a marriage relationship.

The authors well manage how 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 ought to be interpreted, especially in light of the mutuality of love in Philippians 2:1-4 and Ephesians 5:25-33. My one significant qualm involves how the authors handle Ephesians 5:22-23: in the text itself, they rely on their survey research to demonstrate what they deem the problematic nature of expectations of the husband making the final decision, and in their note in the back their exegesis does not work much better. Yes, the verb is elided in v. 22 because it is carried from v. 21 (although it shows up again in v. 24); yes, there is to be a mutuality in submission, no doubt. But Ephesians 5:22, and 24, are there for a reason; there are different expectations for the husband and wife listed there for some reason, after all; and in a work that has otherwise done very well at respecting the witness of the Apostle, the stark contradiction here is all the more disappointing. It would have been better to emphasize that the subjection of the wife in vv. 22, 24 is never expected to be a coerced thing, but a freewill offering; if the wife does not feel as if she has been heard, that's a failure of leadership in her husband. I don't doubt the quality of the survey research, but it ought to be asked: how much of that strife and difficulty comes from the premise that wives are to offer their subjection as a freewill offering to their husbands, or how much of it comes from husbands not loving their wives as Christ loved the church and caring for them as their own bodies according to Ephesians 5:23, 25-29? I am concerned this might be a bit of an over-reaction. Likewise, when discussing the (often galling and awful) emphasis that wives should make sure they don't gain weight yet said books never say much about the husband, it is understandable to emphasize how male weight gain can lead to serious difficulties in sex, but if I were not reading that section carefully and noted that they did speak about both maintaining that kind of concern, it would have been easy to think that they were just doing the opposite of that which they were rightly condemning; a little bit more clarity there about how both spouses should give thought to how their bodies are helping or hindering their ability to enjoy sex would go a long way).

I do not want these criticisms to suggest that I have major concerns with the work; far from it. This book needs to be considered far and wide in greater Evangelicalism to offset the damaging instruction given in the Evangelical Marital Industrial Complex. The authors of the marriage guides, the Lemans and Eggerichses of greater Evangelicalism, should repent, immediately rewrite their material, and make their repentance known; otherwise they should be ashamed of themselves. Until then, the message of this book needs to be reshared and given over and over again until it becomes the prevailing norm in greater Evangelicalism; may it be that many will be as ashamed of the poor sex advice as they have become about purity culture.

Also - when is greater Evangelicalism going to recognize the judgment that it is under, the pain and distress it has caused, and begins to repent of all of its adherence to American cultural conservatism in ways that have seriously compromised its pretense of holding firm to Jesus?

I grew up in purity culture and all that it entails. This book is so helpful in shifting and reframing the multitude of patriarchal, false tropes that were taught in my young adult years (and are still taught today in fundamentalist circles). I truly hope that The Great Sex Rescue gets the widespread reading that it deserves. It might have saved my first marriage; it's absolutely going to be part of the solid foundation in my second and last.

If you grew up in early 2000's in church you need this book! It kindly challenges a lot of wrong theology on marriage and sex. The author specifically calls out current modern authors and cites their books and grades them on a scale of biblical to unbiblical! A new and different book, a breath of fresh air!

I typically avoid reading Christian books about sex... Mostly because I end up wanting to throw them across the room. However, on hearing about Sheila Gregoire et al.'s most recent book, I wanted to get my hands on a copy.

This book is refreshing in its honest treatment on the way Evangelical views on sex have harmed many women, men and marriages. Her bravery in tackling some of the bestselling books that have become staples in the Christian community have been freeing.

I appreciated the research that went into this book - the surveys and the stories from many women and men. It was powerful and eye opening. As a ministry leader and mother, I would highly recommend reading this book. We need to think about how we teach a Christian, healthy sexuality to those we serve - including the next generation - and this book is a great starting point.

This book was so needed! After 10 years in working in the bookstore industry, I finally read a marriage book that focuses on women’s needs and doesn’t imply guilt! Love how the authors dissected these theories and shed light on some harmful teachings in the evangelical world. This is a must read!

Simply put, this is a phenomenal and ground-breaking book. It uses research and statistics to clearly break down the lies and traps I had believed all my life as a result of “Christian teaching”. Then it constantly pointed me to kindness and Christ for healing. I will be reading this book over and over and recommending it widely.

I was hesitant at first to read, since I knew it would critique a number of books that I have read over the years and teaching I had accepted. But I’m so glad I went out of my comfort zone and confronted truth. Sheila, Rebecca, and Joanna have done a wonderful and compassionate work of separating helpful and harmful teaching. Far from bashing other authors or men in general, they have employed a research-based approach to promoting healing that will appeal to anyone searching for the truth of healthy marriages. I am so excited to see the positive impact this book will have, and I can’t recommend it enough!!

This book does exactly what the description says: it examines common teachings about sex and marriage in popular Christian literature and their effects on a large survey of women. Several of these teachings correlate with decreased sexual satisfaction for wives and even sexual pain. Despite contrary research, claims such as “men need sexual release every 72 hours” and the presumption that the husband is always the higher drive spouse are believed by many. Reframing these messages to reflect sex as God intended will be a necessary voice in the Church. If you are turned off by the notion of specific authors and books being named, I invite you to read this book anyway. The criticism is clear, yet relatively gentle. The authors also do not presume themselves to be immune from criticism, rather they acknowledge past work that reflects pieces of these beliefs they no longer hold and how they hope to continue building upon their research in the future.

While Christianity and sexuality have been uneasy bedfellows for centuries, the headship movement in evangelical Christian culture has brought out the very worst of the relationship. Gregoire, Lendenbach, and Sawatsky surveyed over 20,000 Christian women to discover why some Christian marriages sizzle and others fizzle. Gregoire runs the largest single-blogger marriage blog (To Love Honor and Vacuum https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com), and comments and questions from readers alerted her to the great disparity in Christian marriage experiences.

The authors discovered a correlation between women’s beliefs about the ‘duty’ of a wife and her happiness in marriage (and the bedroom). The word duty says it all. In marriages where women believed they have the duty to save their husbands from porn and lust by always making themselves available for intercourse, women reported despair, depression, and a lost sense of self. In other words, this philosophy doesn’t work to bring about the biblical mandate of ‘two becoming one’—if one person finds pleasure and the other one feels depressed, they aren’t one. No matter how many times they have intercourse.

The authors differentiate between intercourse and sex (or making love). Intercourse means, ‘a one-sided sexual encounter that’s focused on his climax (13).” Sex, on the other hand, “is the fulfillment of a longing for intimacy, for connection, to be completely and utterly bare in every way before each other (13)” that brings intense pleasure to both parties involved.

The authors not only surveyed thousands of women they created a rubric for popular Christian books on marriage to see WHY women believed the way they do. What they discovered shocked them—and me, too. The books perpetuate the belief of the lustful, uncontrollable man and the wife who must save him by submitting to intercourse as often as he desires in order to keep the man from sinning.

Not only does this theory exonerate men from responsibility from their behavior it puts the burden of salvation on women to endure something they find demeaning, uncomfortable, or downright painful in order to ‘save’ their husbands. The theory kills intimacy—a basic human need for both men and women.

Through surveys, focus groups, research, and interviews to understand not only the problem but the solution to help couples discover what the Bible really says about sex and how couples can trade intercourse for intimacy.

Throughout each chapter, the authors include check-ins for individuals or couples. They state they would love it if couples read the book together and used it as a conversation starter. The rescue and reframing exercises help readers apply new knowledge. For couples who journey together through the book, the authors provide exercises at the end of each chapter to help build intimacy in the “Explore Together” sections.

Why I Love This Book

Whether you’d rate your sex life as fizzling or sizzling, you’ll find information in this book to make it better. Throughout the book, the authors call out abuse and guide women to where to find help. Abuse in the church happens far more often than we’d like to believe. But because of the church’s stance on women’s duty to never deprive their husbands, abuse gets overlooked, or even worse, the men get named the victim.

The authors use clinical terms, but the book never reads like a science textbook. They use the Bible to show how generations of Christians have misinterpreted key texts about married relationships to justify intercourse rather than sex.

Above all, they point out how the misunderstandings about sex hurt both women and men. The authors challenge everyone to learn, do better, and find increased fulfillment in their relationships. Pastors, counselors, young adults, old people, married couples, and women’s ministry leaders need to read this book.

When we learn to view sex the way God intended, we can happiness, intimacy, and pleasure for all.

Excellent book! This book takes apart some of the lies that are taught in 'Christian' marriage books and reminds us that our marriage and our lives should look like we truly are Jesus followers.