Boundaries are so hard to establish and maintain and Cole does a good job of discussing how to enforce your boundaries in useful ways that are effective.

Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free by Terri Cole
Publisher: Sounds True
Genre: Self-Help
Publication Date: April 20, 2021

Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free by Terri Cole is a self-help guide meant to help set boundaries.

I found this to be a very interesting book and think I can use a lot of the suggestions in my life. I would recommend taking your time when reading this book so you can actually do the self-reflection and work suggested.

I'm so grateful to Terri Cole, Sounds True, and NetGalley for providing me with a free copy of this ARC ebook in exchange for my honest review.

I appreciate what the author is trying to do in this book, however, I think they could have done better. I loved how they have guides for us to recognize our boundaries, but their examples took way too much space, and most of the time, I just don't care. I wished this could be more direct to the point and only include examples that really showed when we unconsciously are compromising our boundaries and how are we going to fix that and be more aware whenever that happens. This book goes on and on about what happened to different people and in my opinion, did not present the best examples to impart what they are trying to say to their readers. Throughout the entire reading experience, I felt like I was just here for the tea or the gossip to one's back story instead of learning about how to be aware whenever our boundaries is concerned and how do we nurture healthy boundaries with ourselves and with others.

As I started reading this book I began feeling triggered by the criteria of what makes a relationship a co-dependant one and the more check lists I ticked off, the more uncertain I became about this book and what it was implying. You see I thought it was yet another book about individualistic ideology where any acts of service I do for the sake of God are seen as me being in an unhealthy attachment to the creation of God. However, as I kept reading more, this realisation dawned on me. If I am some of the things that are in this list of 'what makes one co-dependant' and they aren't affecting me or anyone around me in a negative or toxic way then that means I overcame those past challenges which once were my weaknesses but are now things I have converted to positive attributes. This change occurred in my life as I learned more about understanding our psyche from an Islamic perspective. Psychology and Islam for me are not mutually exclusive.

Once I got over my insecurities I actually learned a lot about boundary setting from Terri Cole. I heard this quote (I don't know where I heard/read it but a google search tells me its by Kristen Neff) which changed my approach towards this book. <i>"Unlike self-criticism, which asks if you're good enough, self-compassion asks what's good for you."</i> I am what I tell myself I am, if I stop seeing myself as the victim then I can go ahead and apply all the productive tools Dr. Cole suggests in setting boundaries. Since having read the book I've noticed I'm more honest with my boundaries and I don't feel as guilty as I would have before, about setting them. I can still have boundaries and be in service to people, these 2 principles can go hand in hand, you just have to be smart about managing expectations.

My biggest problem with boundaries is giving people what they want and then resenting them for not allowing me with an opportunity to say no to them. Dr. Cole says, <i>"You have an obligation to yourself that no one gets beyond the velvet rope without your express permission"<i> which is fair and true but my problems are rigid boundaries. People do get beyond the velvet rope I have set, I cannot control people and then I feel like I've betrayed myself or am a "weak" personality which is what led to this boundary breach. The reality is this doesn't make me weak rather I need to develop a more accepting and flexible attitude by not expecting people to constantly meet my needs, or there wont be peace in my inner-self or in my relationships.

Terri Cole does a great job of connecting to her readers, she takes us through many examples where we can see ourselves in some aspects of these stories and find an alternative way of looking at our "problems". My sister introduced me to Terri Cole's youtube channel a while ago and I have been consuming her work since, this book was an enlightening read. I would recommend it. I had a bumpy ride with this one, hence the 3 stars but I think the negative association I had with some of the elements has more to do with my understanding and expectations of her work, rather than the credibility of her experiences.

I wish I could give this book six out of five stars because Cole has written a magnificent literary aid for self-awareness/governance all women should read. Men similarly would surely benefit from many of Boundary Boss’ pieces of advice and prompts.

Self-help books often are all fluff and little substance. That is not the case with this read because the reader is transported through many non-abstract paradigms that clarify best practices — as is for the first time. This book is something one should revisit over and again, tracking notes and personal reflections.

Insight gleaned from Boundary Boss has made me a better person.

This is a book that anyone that constantly puts their own feelings aside in order to avoid upsetting others. The author gives examples of how our boundaries are crossed by others, along with how to not be codependent in your relationships. The examples and solutions on how to handle these situations in the future were excellent and easy to use. I highly recommend this book to anyone struggling with creating boundaries in their lives.

I came across Terri Cole's YouTube channel a few years ago and immediately liked her work.

Cole has a no-nonsense style when it comes to imparting advice and educating people about problematic boundaries and communication. And she translates this approach effectively in her writing as well.

The book is written in a relatively informal conversational tone (including casual American slang and swear words), potentially making it accessible to the avid as well as the occasional reader. There are case studies/stories of people from Cole's experience at the start of chapters for the reader to grasp a concept. Throughout, Cole refers to the reader with terms of endearment like 'mama', 'lovebug' and 'beauty'. Right from the first page, she roots for you, inviting you to evaluate your circumstances and relationship dynamics.

As a mental health researcher, I was familiar with the idea of boundaries and some of the associated basics. But this book made me think more deeply about what Cole calls your 'basement' and 'boundary blueprint'. I particularly benefited from 'the 3Qs for clarity' and 'the 3Rs — Recognize, Release, Respond'. It is amazing how you can change your response to a situation/person when you realize the odds are not stacked against you.

Full disclosure: When I started reading this book, I felt the need to put forth an argument against some of Cole's claims. As a Muslim, I believe in principles such as giving benefit of the doubt, spiritual generosity, making excuses for others and having a good opinion of them and in turn God, having inherent honour and dignity by being a creation of God i.e. human, alleviating the distress of another with the intention to gain reward in the Hereafter, bearing patience in times of difficulty in exchange for expiation of sins, and the list goes on. I made a note of these as I went along and realized a few chapters in that Cole was not dismissing or disregarding my beliefs. She was advocating for my self-protection and self-care. In fact, she agreed with some of my beliefs. She recognized that every person is unique and deserves to be treated with respect and honour. Practising my religion and setting healthy boundaries, the two were not mutually exclusive. Rather, they could co-exist. This meant: I could for example go out of my way to help a distressed family member, if I consciously chose to do so instead of acting in response to a faulty blueprint (read: feeling burdened to help someone while abandoning my own priorities and consequently blaming and resenting the family member for not appreciating my effort to help them). It was a subtle shift in my understanding and behaviour, but an empowering one nevertheless.

Having said that, it is definitely tricky to interpret psychotherapeutic advice while also honouring your cultural values, but it's doable. It can indeed allow you to 'live free' as the book title says. Thank you to Terri Cole, for sharing her knowledge with the world. In the current era of overwhelming digital knowledge championing all types of mental health aphorisms, I would recommend taking from credible sources, which include this book.

Terri Cole is the queen of boundaries! This book is so practical, I’ve already found myself using some of the real life apply she talks about in Boundary Boss. There are so many “self help” books out there, but this is so much more than that; this is a relationship changer.

I loved how Boundary Boss was a workbook and resource all in one. So many self-help books tell you WHAT you should be doing to change your life without ever actually telling you HOW to do it. Sounds like a small distinction, but setting boundaries and finding the correct time, place, and words to do so aren't intuitive. (If they were, this book would be unnecessary.)

This is a book aimed at women, because it seems (from personal experience) that women have a harder time setting boundaries.

Right from an early age, many girls are taught to serve and to please, to accept that boys and men are more important and to put them first. So we grow up as people pleasers. Meanwhile boys are taught to get out in the world, to be adventurous. They set their own boundaries.

it's no wonder then that grown women struggle to set boundaries. Even now, women are told that they can multi-task and men can't: therefore they can do more, juggling busy jobs, kids, and housework, whereas men can only focus on one thing. Whoever invented this lie (and I'm pretty sure it was a man!) needs a medal for "Excellence in Marketing" - selling women the story that they can do it all and have it all, leaving women exhausted trying to please everyone and themselves; while men get off lightly because they (poor things!) can't multi-task. Leaving them more time to do what they want to do.

This book addresses the fact that many women struggle to set boundaries, and gives you ideas on how to challenge your boundaries - not just the ones in your head: but how to challenge the boundaries that you have either set yourself with others or they have set for you and you have complied with.

The author has personal experience of boundary issues, as well as being a psychotherapist and realising that most of her clients have boundary issues.

Even if you think you set all of your own boundaries, you may have your eyes opened by this book - there are probably plenty of boundaries that you didn't set, and if you want them the change, by the end of this book you will have ideas of how to do it.

Didn't realize what I read is this book is what I needed to hear. This book is full of stories and examples of everyday clients that come into her office that answers to some of their problems is learning to set boundaries. That a simple to no and not feeling ashamed it can give a person power that someone have been trapped into people pleasing or even co dependency. She gives a lot of tips and advice on how to set boundaries and overcome the setbacks of people crossing your boundaries. This was a refreshing read and certainly made me rethink my boundaries.

I wish there were more great boundary books. The best one I know is “Boundaries” by Cloud & Townsend, but if you’ve read it you know that it is VERY Christian, and therefore inaccessible for some clients. I also like “How to Draw The Line” and “F@ck Your Boundaries” (if you can tolerate the language). Terri Cole has added another great option to the boundary book topic – and although it is geared toward women (with lots of “mama” and “girlfriend” language), I think it could be useful for anyone, really.

The first half of the book is about “Connecting the dots to the past”, meaning that our boundary and communication set points are largely formed in our families of origin. Cole walks us through basic information about boundaries, and then how those things get corrupted by various means. She also makes the connection between codependency and not so great boundaries, and helps us understand why sometimes we have a strong boundary reaction because of past issues.

Then she moves on to building skills for the present and future. She teaches us the 3 R’s – to recognize when we are uncomfortable with a situation; to learn to release the parts of it that are based in past people and experiences; and then to decide how we want to respond rather than just reacting. She gives lots of activities and questionnaires that can help with forming new boundaries. Lastly, she addresses those people who just will not respect boundaries no matter what we do.

Overall, I think this is a solid contribution to the boundary books currently on the market with a lot of great information for both therapists and clients. I would definitely want to have this on my shelf as an option.

Beautifully written and laid out. I absolutely love love stories and poetry. Most of these you will know. Some I have never heard of before. These stories transported me to another world of love and light. I felt like this book was speaking to me and for me. It was so beautifully written and resonated to my core. Highly recommend. I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.