This was possibly the most well-written book I've ever read in my life but it was also the hardest book to get through. Those content warnings are not messing around at all. There's a content warning for a whole lot of very heavy content ranging from religious trauma to a whole slew of forms of abuse, so tread lightly when going into reading this book. I think it is a book that is super important and that everyone should read but I also think it's a book that I can only handle reading once in my life. This is despite the fact that I have thought about Clare and her story almost every single day since I finished reading it.

These characters are so painfully human. I was horrified by a lot of things that happened in this book but knowing that the author was drawing from events in their life was a whole other trip for this reading experience. Not my Ruckus tackles many of the horrors that I’m aware of in people's lives but seeing it, or rather hearing it in my case, added a whole other level of mindfuckery. Every time I thought I knew where the book was going Chad Musick said “sike!” and went in a different direction.

One of the things that I think made the book so incredibly impactful was the fact that it was from the point of view of a fourteen-year-old and it genuinely felt like you were in the mind of a fourteen-year-old. Clare was so used to her abuse that she had been experiencing it her entire childhood that she talked about it in a nonchalant way. This made it even more painful for me as a 22-year-old adult to read because I could tell that she thought that this was just the norm.
Thank you Netgalley and Cinnabar Moth Publishing LLC for giving me access to an ARC of the audiobook. I enjoyed the narrator that was selected for this novel.

This wasn’t my favorite. I had high hopes but I found myself not paying attention to the audio half of the time. I think I’m just the wrong reader, but if you’re interested I would deff give it a try!

I both loved and hated this book. The writing was exquisite, and the author did a phenomenal job of bringing the characters to life with his words. The plot, however, was absolutely heartbreaking. This book followed the teenage Clare as she befriended her neighbor, which lead to the uncovering of many awful family secrets. It provided an honest and heartfelt look at a teenager's explorations of her identity and sexuality. Ultimately, it was a story that illustrated the destructive influence of abuse and trauma and the healing power of love.

There are so many trigger warnings for this book, I doubt I will be able to remember them all. There was a ton of abuse of all sorts, including sexual, emotional, physical, and spiritual/religious abuse of a minor. It also featured medical neglect, withholding of food from a minor, domestic abuse, teenage pregnancy, abortion, miscarriage, prostitution, police violence, and incest. Furthermore, the book detailed murders, attempted murders, arson, and child death. Needless to say, the story was not for the faint of heart, and I cringed in horror and cried intensely multiple times throughout the book. There were many times I was incredibly uncomfortable while listening, but the writing and story were so engaging I just had to know what was really going on. The author did a fantastic job of slowly revealing the truth of the story by framing it through the gradual loss of the main character's innocence.

The main characters in this story were beautifully realized. Clare was an autistic 14-year-old who was still largely ignorant about the world and strong in her convictions, especially her belief in protecting her friends. The story was from her POV, and the audience got to follow her thoughts and reactions about all of the horrible things happening around her. Her new best friend, Esther, was also a very well-developed character, and the relationship between the two girls was one of the highlights of this book. The villains in this book were truly awful people, and I'm still flabbergasted at the thought of what they did in this story. To me, that is the main indicator of a great book, having characters and a story that I still think about long after finishing it.

I'd be remiss to not mention the incredible quality of the audiobook and its narrator. The narrator did a fantastic job of capturing the essence of Clare and brought her to life in an incredible way. The pauses and nuances in pronunciation did a great job of adding to the emotion created by the writing.

This was a story that I won't soon forget no matter how much I may want to. It moved me deeply and made me feel so many things. I highly recommend it, but it is not a light read. Therefore, I rate it 5 out of 5 stars.

I don't really know how to feel about this book. I feel like it's definitely there for an audience, but that audience is not me. I really did try to enjoy reading this, but I just didn't. However, I did really like the audiobook format and thought that the narrator did a great job. I think, for me, having homophobia be such a prominent aspect of this book just made me hate it. I'm gay, so reading about that in books is just not my thing, we deal with it so much in the real world as it is. But!! I just want everyone reading this to know that it totally could be your cup of tea. Definitely give it a shot because the writing was great! Just did not like the topics.

Thank you to Netgalley, Independent Book Publishers Association (IBPA) and Members' Audiobooks for providing me with a free audiobook of Not my Ruckus.

This book deals with difficult topics, like child abuse and rape, in a raw way, from Clare’s perspective. Initially, I thought this would be a coming of age and love story between two young girls who live surrounded by tragedy, but it surprised me how many difficulties these teenagers go through. It is devastating and delivers one blow after the other. The audiobook narrator’s voice is ideal, and with her southern US accent helps us feel immersed in this Texas town in the 80s.

It was a rather frustrating listen. I wish there had been a bit more character development, as it seemed a bit superficial. The characters were only what happened to them, if that makes sense, and I would’ve loved to see a bit more of who they truly were and where a lot of things came from. I feel like the violence these children grow up surrounded by is a bit excessive at some points.

I struggled to keep listening because of the hard topics it deals with but also because I only really found it gripping towards the second half. From there, I couldn’t wait to see what happened to Clare and Esther.
Read this if you are in the right head space, and research the content warnings, as there are many more than initially expected.

I was grateful for the opportunity to read this book through NetGalley, however, I was unable to finish it. The writing was very good, but the content wore on me after awhile. It was just instance after instance of people being awful to a child. And while I understand that many children do have this experience, I just couldn’t continue to read it for entertainment.

Not My Ruckus is rough. It's full of difficult topics from the very beginning, including child abuse of all kinds, rape/sexual assault, ableism, fatphobia, death, violence, homophobia and misogyny. But it deals with it in a way that feels true to life, highlighting the fact that families who deal with deeply rooted issues have those issues bleed into many, many aspects.

Claire is a flawed, complex character with a warped view of the world, and she loves the people around her in so many different ways. This is an intense read, where nothing quite happened the way I expected it to. It's violent, messy and shocking. It deals with abusive people who hurt others to control them, to "keep them safe", and when people hurt loved ones on accident. I enjoyed this book overall, and the narration as well!

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the copy!

I was going to give props for their being some content warning from the publisher with this book; I was disappointed to find that in looking further, this is not nearly as straightforward in disclaiming that when the book is for sale. It is not on the back cover or title page, the only note of it I could find was in the kindle preview, and that didn't tell me there; it referred the reader to a different page that is not available in the preview.

CONTENT WARNING: Trauma, Abuse (Physical & Sexual), Grooming, Incest, Prostitution(?) and Pedophilia.

I'm going to start with narration because Ivy Tara Blair, honestly, is what kept me reading even thru the hard parts, her voice was immaculate, and I honestly fit Lilac so well.

While this book covers some REALLY intense topics, at no point was I left feeling like these events existed to show just how bad Lilac's life was piling themselves one on top of the other, it felt more true to real life, where things can be absolutely terrible, but that doesn't mean that good doesn't exist alongside it as well as the fact that when you have known nothing else your normal is going to look a lot different than others.

This story will stick with me for a long time; this book, at its core, is about resistance and growth. Lilac's perseverance and determination to help Esther is heartwarming, along with her dedication to what is right and wrong.
I know with absolute certainty I will pick this book up again because it was so beautifully written and because I'm sure that there were things that I missed in my read-through because of how Lilac perceived them.

Wow this book! It has a little bit of every trigger out there (child neglect, teen pregnancy, incest, murder etc.) At first I was not too sure about Not My Ruckus. Based on the description, I thought it was going to be a coming out story about a teenager but OH BOY it was much more than that! It did seem like there was too much going on in the plot and but overall this story will leave you on the edge of your seat.

This novel is a wonder of story writing.
What you think is a coming of age story turns into a plot with so many twists and turns that you want to compulsively follow the story.
Clare is growing up in a religious household that is abusive and terrifying. Her friendship with Esther keeps her going until secrets are unveiled and no where is safe.
The characters are well written and visual and the story line is well plotted.
Beautiful narrated audiobook.
Thank you to the author, publisher and NetGalley in allowing me to listen to in return for a review.

Wow this book wasn't what i expected from the blurb i read about the book.

First thing though this book is dark due to the topics (abuse in various forms, sexual, domestic, child and more) which some could find distressing, but its more touched on than given explicit detail. (The audiobook didnt give an warnings, but also didnt have the authors note which other people mentioned)

I want to thank Netgallery and the publishers for providing me with the audiobook for a honest review. This certainly wouldn't have been a boom i would have picked nessercerally but the cover drew me in and the blurb.

The book takes place in Texas in the 1980s. And main focus is on the two girls Clare/lilac & esther. The book is so well written and from Clare (14yrs) view and how she saw and lead to belive things.

You do get absorbed and want to know what happens, how it develops bit also how it ends, and your left wondering throughout as your taken through the story. As mentioned that although there are some difficult events, it written that its not to harrowing but does leave the reader with emotions without making it traumatic. (Sorry trying not to spoil as i think not actually knowing the feel topics actually made it more gripping).

I did enjoy this book and listened in one day.

I really liked this book, i was confused and shocked and sad and disappointed, i felt everything and i enjoyed it, every moment of betrayal and not knowing who to trust and discovering yourself but also the people who you love are. J love Clare and her journey is amazing, heartbreaking and shocking jn different ways. I also love Esther and can we please agree to give them a break and let them enjoy life? Also, i don't think there was a dull moment in this book but that ending was SHOCKING and kept me hooked. A 4.5/5 read for me !

Note: I received a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. All of the opinions are my own and this did not affect my review in any way.

I requested this audiobook without knowing what it really was about, I just needed a new audiobook to read while I finished my puzzle and I was happily surprised by how much I enjoyed the story.

In Not My Ruckus we follow 14-year-old Clare who isn't normal, even for a tomboy. She runs too much, talks too little, carries a gun too often, and holds a grudge forever. Clare feels prepared for everything from fire, to flood, to demon attack. When her neighbor Esther kisses her, though, Clare has no ready script.

The description of this book sounds intriguing, and it is, however I was not expecting how dark and twisted this book is and when I found out the MC is inspired in the authors life I almost collapsed. This book is definitely not for everyone so please read the trigger warning before you begin reading.

Aside from the dark themes of the book I really enjoyed my reading experience. It was hard seeing life through Clare´s perspective but I believe stories like this need to be told so they don’t happen again.

The writing style is amazing, the author gives you just enough details so that you can feel yourself standing next to the characters but you are not overwhelmed with too much information. The characters are incredible written, they feel so real that it is impossible not to hate most of them.

Overall, this was an outstanding, dark and twisted debut novel from Chad Musick and I can’t wait to read more from this author. If you don’t get trigger by this book please pick it up.

Thanks so much to the author, publisher and Netgalley for allowing me read and review this book.

Audiobook: I loved the audiobook version of this; at first I wasn't sure about how it would feel to hear a 14-year-old's thoughts out loud like that, but the narrator did a great job and I enjoyed listening to it very much. Some things were so hard to listen... that's the effect this book has; it cannot leave you indifferent.

--- Review of the book:

This book absolutely surprised me, and in the best of ways. It is definitely one of the hardest things I've read: it was so brutal at times that I wasn't sure I was enjoying it, but I can now say that it was so worth it.

My opinion changed so badly all throughout the book, and I am so glad of it. All I could think about at first is how much this reminded me of Emily M. Danforth’s *The Miseducation of Cameron Post,* with the friendship and the religion and the having a parent die at the same time that they were kissing. But similarities end there. But then, was I mislead or did the synopsis just not give enough information? I don't complain at all because this book was a really pleasant surprise, and I liked finding out every detail on the way without any expectations. Not "enjoyed" because this book isn't enjoyable, it's just really thoughtful and the execution of such difficult topics was great.

The 14-year-old first person POV was brilliantly delivered; Clare's thoughts were simple but we grew with her as she was getting more and more answers about the situation surrounding her. This story is incredibly sad and upsetting at times, but it's not about that; it's about freedom, about resilience. It's about how two girls have to endure so much more than they should, than anyone should.

Even when they’re talking about mature topics, they have that childish trait to them, of being able to say everything completely unfiltered. Clare's and Esther’s innocence and naïveté just made it all more heartbreaking. How they talk about money, sex, adulthood, their families... But then as it progressed, I realised that they weren't innocent at all. That had been taken from them. Their choices, gone. As the story unfolded, the reader realises what is really going on before the main character does, and it made it such a heartbreaking read; even more when she finally finds out. Since our main character is the narrator, we navigate the story as she does, and things are never explicitly revealed until she finds out herself.

It was beautifully written, and I'm so glad I decided to dive into it with nothing but a couple of lines of information. I will think about this for a really long time.

[Trigger warnings: sexual abuse, child abuse, violence, incest, forced prostitution, gun violence, food derivation, miscarriage, exploitation of children, ableism, murder, domestic violence, homophobia, inner homophobia, etc., some explicit and some implied.]

To be honest, I started this audiobook without paying much attention to the first few chapters. But as the narrator continued, I was sucked into it. I listened intently as the character experienced her discovery of her illness, her sexuality, and secrets that led to tragic and heartbreak. I was at the edge of my seat as the last chapter ended.

Thank you Netgalley and Cinnabar Moth Publishing LLC for the experience.

3.5

This was not an easy read, but I think hard subjects are necessary. Especially when family life is a main focus. This author did a wonderful job giving our main character a voice.

The story begins when Clare is 14-years old. We follow her life through many trials and tribulations.
You are confronted with abuse of minors, religious wrong-doings and many other terrible things. It is written in such a way that you almost feel like these wrong-doings are part of normal life, but if you read between the lines, you realise there is something more sinister at play.

Quite a heavy read but still brilliantly written. The audio was also very well done and easy to listen to.
I found the information about the author also quite interesting and looking forward to reading what he writes next,

Thank you Netgalley and Independent Book Publishers Association for a copy of the audiobook in exchange for an honest review.

The narrator's voice and style of narration was compelling and perfect for the story. It created a great atmosphere for the story.

This book was such a rollercoaster. There were times I simply hated every single character, other times I looked at them sadly and wish life had given them a better path, but overall it was a frustrating read. The story and the main character's viewpoint are so laced with blind faith in everything her parents tell her that it's hard to believe people so sheltered exist. When she starts to question what she's being told she only makes things worse by botching everything and never thinking things through or <i>listening to the people who want to help her</i>. Honestly, everyone in this story was a mess, some people more than others, but this mess hooked me, especially at the end. It was not a pleasant story, but if you give it a chance you'll want to finish it, even if it is to know if vengeance was served or to watch how this trainwreck of a life ends. It got me so emotionally invested that it made me cry when <spoiler>both girls finally find a safe place with Oma and Opa. They're the stars of the book and I'd love to read a story just about them</spoiler>.

A note about the narrator: what a wonderful job she did. Her US southern accent is the perfect fit for this story, and the way she weaved the sentences was marvelous, it brought everything together and gave so much character and life to the narrative.

Anyways, my review is a mess because I simply cannot sort how I feel about this, hence the 3 stars.

I read a physical copy of this from the publisher, but was curious what the narrator sounded like. I think the narrator was a great fit for the story! It makes this book even more emotional. There might be some connections that get missed in the audio, as I know I flipped back and forth a few times while reading.

You know the book you’ve just finished was amazing when you keep thinking about it long after it’s over. Clare is one of the most well-written characters I’ve read in a long time, and I can’t stop thinking about her! She is brave, strong, and determined to protect her chosen family. She also is heartbreakingly innocent, in a way that you have to read the book to understand.

I love how Chad depicts the struggle of living with an undiagnosed disability. The plot was interesting, and I was eager to find out what had happened to Esther’s mother.

It was heartbreaking how Clare spoke about her parents’ abuse as if it was totally normal. We can all pick out things from my childhood that I thought were normal until I grew up more, but usually it’s not this dark! I loved the author’s method of show-not-tell writing, and the way he portrayed Clare’s innocence. I would read a line and think, “wait, did I read that right?” and as the book progressed I realized my assumptions were correct. Clare described the noise of a zipper as “the sound of papa” which really gave me chills.

I appreciated the representation in this book. This was my second novel in a row with a neurodiverse MC, which I love to see. Esther is queer, and Clare is questioning. Not My Ruckus takes place in the religious south in the 80s, and important themes of homophobia are discussed.

I also have to mention this cover–so pretty! I should have bought a hyacinth to take this picture with.

Hats off to Chad Musick for an absolutely chilling, beautifully written debut. I’m already looking forward to his next book. Not My Ruckus will be available this week on February 16th. Many thanks to Chad for a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.