I’m not in the habit of reviewing books that I read for work, but every so often one comes along that I think is useful. My criteria for ‘useful’ is a book that’s written in a straightforward, easy to understand style; that has its basis in science (yes, there are plenty of ‘spiritual’ self-help books available but I find they’re only ‘useful’ for a small audience at a very specific time in their lives); that presents information in multiple ways (think diagrams, case studies, check-lists, and practice exercises); and is one that you might revisit.

Setting Boundaries by Rebecca Ray fits the criteria.

Ray explores the ways in which people establish, maintain and strengthen their personal boundaries. She defines boundaries as ‘…circles of preservation, protection and personal empowerment that you draw around yourself’. In other words, personal boundaries articulate our limits and without them, we’d be constantly at the beck and call of others.

Ray provides a structured approach to understanding boundaries and includes exercises and self-reflection tasks. For this reason, it’s a book that would be best to work through relatively slowly, testing and putting things into practice as you go. That said, there are plenty of gems peppered throughout which you’re likely to latch on to, such as –

Your resentment is showing you that your boundaries are being crossed.

and

You will always receive the greatest resistance to your boundaries from those who profit from you having none.

One of the common misconceptions about boundaries is that they are ‘selfish’, or ‘aggressive’, and are focused on saying ‘no’. Ray highlights that in fact, boundaries are the most helpful form of communication you can offer to another person – they allow us to give direct instructions about needs and limits, rather than expecting others to be mind-readers.

I enjoyed Ray’s incorporation of the neuro-science associated with boundaries, particularly that in understanding and knowing our self-worth, we create a foundation for healthy boundaries. Ray explores ‘worthiness’ within the context of ‘biological’ pull –

We fixate on the measurement of worthiness as if it were tied to our very survival – because once upon a time it was. Access to protection, resources and connectedness depended on our ancestors contributing, fitting in, and not compromising the safety of the clan at large. Our current culture is a product of our need to belong to each other, and it uses measurement of worthiness for grading how well we’re doing at being human.

Of course, this is all good in theory and much harder to actually do (and sustain). Although some of Ray’s suggested affirmations and exercises struck me as slightly simplistic, lots of valuable work starts with awareness. So, next time you feel a little resentful or frustrated by someone else’s behaviour, it’s a reminder to review your boundaries.

3.5/5 Lots to work with.

I received my copy of Setting Boundaries from the publisher, Pan Macmillan, via NetGalley, in exchange for an honest review.

Thank you Pan Macmillan Australia and NetGalley for this ARC.
I loved Rebecca Ray’.s book on Self-Kindness and her latest book “Setting Boundaries” was just as good.
I found this book particularly useful, I thought my knowledge of boundaries and my personal boundaries were in a pretty good place but the book highlighted areas where in fact I could strengthen boundaries to live more effectively at times.

A very useful easy to read book that I highly recommend.

‘My mind rarely gives me just one thought at a time. For maximum effect, it floods me with thoughts that will press my buttons. The problem is that they get in the way of the boundaries I set for myself around time for self-care. If I listened to these thoughts, they urge me to work more, rest less, and take zero time out to look after myself because, ‘I have too much to do!’ But these thoughts are old.’

Most people don’t necessarily have trouble setting up boundaries but it becomes more difficult when it comes to enforcing them for your own sanity. You know what you like, you know what’s good for you … you also know the ways your energy gets drained. This is the reason I turned to this book - to understand, to trust my instincts and listen to that inner voice that would lead me in the right direction.

‘We have evolved to listen to our minds as though they speak the whole truth all the time. But minds can be a little prone to melodrama, and occasionally create a picture of reality that’s not entirely accurate.’

It is not just about saying ‘no’ - there is so much more to it. In today’s world we are faced with so many personal and professional demands and time is precious. If you are not careful you will face exhaustion at best and become lost at worst. This book is about finding ways to reclaim your time and energy that promote your values and long term goals.

‘Setting boundaries requires us to be vulnerable - which is uncomfortable. To draw circles of empowerment around ourselves, and to respect the circles other people draw around themselves, we need to find a way through the feely stuff, to live in the deep end of life. It’s here we get to explore life in its entirety, rather than avoiding it for the illusion of comfort in the shallow end.’

Setting Boundaries helps by providing both the theory and practice in regaining equilibrium and establishing your wellbeing as a central focus. When the everyday situations and interactions become draining, it is time to return to your valued boundaries. Identify them, know them and understand that they are key to your mental health. Learning to become more mindful rather than mindlessly partaking in something knowing that it is not for you.

‘There’s no shortage of information about what boundaries are. But it’s more difficult to find strategies that can help you communicate and reinforce your boundaries - especially when it makes you feel anxious, guilty, frustrated that you’re not being heard, or overwhelmed by a potentially unpleasant reaction. I want you to learn how to empower yourself with boundaries, even when it feels uncomfortable, so that you can live unapologetically and authentically.’

This is a book that provides practical guidance when working with your personal boundaries and how to both promote and protect them whilst living with the demands of society. Embrace the life you want without being overwhelmed by emotions and situations that drain your energy. This life is not just about surviving but living - rewrite your script, define those boundaries, live the life you want and those that love you will both understand and support you.

‘At the end of the day (and at the end of your days), you are answering to yourself about how you used your time, energy and love. Boundaries help to ensure that you use these personal resources in a way that is consistent with your values and who you want to be as a person, and that you are respected by others while doing so.’





This review is based on a complimentary copy from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. The quoted material may have changed in the final release.

Fantastic book. Readable, with plenty of tips, tricks and examples of setting boundaries, engaging in difficult conversations and becoming more empowered in our day to day life. I definitely recommend this book to fellow people pleasers - something I've been gradually learning how to manage more effectively in recent time. Thanks to NetGalley for a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.