I picked up this book because I used to be in a cult controversial spiritual movement affiliated to a yoga school.

Now, obviously, my own experience with being in a spiritual group was very different from evangelical Christianity. Evangelical Christianity draws on a tradition, and some women in Katie Gaddini's book left the Church when they were young and returned to it later in life; my group was new, formed in 1990, and has no such back and forth. Evangelical Christianity places great importance on female purity and modesty; my group fully believed in the power of sexuality and in polyamory. Evangelical Christianity has power and recognition in the world, as well as millions of followers; my group thrived on feeling persecuted and hated, and it consisted of (at most) a few tens of thousands of people.

Superficially, there's very little resemblance between my experience and that of evangelical Christians; but I felt drawn to this book's premise and its title, "The Struggle to Stay", which reminded me so much of my last two years in my group.

Katie Gaddini is a former evangelical Christian, and her research on single women struggling with their role in their communities comes from a place of understanding and empathy.

I don't normally look for good style in academic writing, because information is information, and style is secondary in research, but I was pleasantly surprised by how well-written "The Struggle to Stay" is. It's almost a page-turner, and how many academic books can you say that about? I unexpectedly found myself engrossed in the story of these women who deeply believe in God, but who find themselves overlooked or even looked down upon by the wider communities around their Church - either for choices they've made, or simply who they are.

I have so many thoughts and I don't know how to express them all succinctly.

Here's a list of the top three things in my mind.

1. I love the ambivalence. Is being an evangelical Christian woman all good or all bad? Neither. Both.

One thing that happens when you read about cults is that they're always presented in negative terms. But the actual experience of being in a religious movement (whether a cult or not) isn't all negative or even all straightforward; it's always a bit of a struggle, a bit adjusted, a bit interpreted.

Katie Gaddini shows us the border between wanting to fit in and wanting to be yourself; between believing the core ideas of your faith and wanting to innovate the practice; between loving something deeply and it making you suffer.

It's indeed a story of struggle - not just against the larger community, but also inside one's own mind and soul. And it's not all good, or all bad, but it's painful and meaningful.

2. I love the respect. Gaddini respects the women who are still with the Church, even if she herself has left it.

This has numerous consequences, all of them good. The most important one is that you can understand these women and their motivations on a personal level. You aren't kept outside their experience through accusing or negative language that makes it unclear why they're there in the first place; instead, you're brought in to see who they are and where they difficult decisions and positive experiences lie.

The most important consequence *to me* is that this gives me a different framework to explain my own experiences more accurately. Where cult literature uses terms like "love bombing" and "brainwashing", Katie Gaddini describes community, a desire to help others become better, friendship, an openness both beyond that in normal society, and containing taboos of its own.

3. I love the discussion on the ideal woman. What even is the ideal woman?

The evangelical Christian ideal woman is white, young, attractive, dresses stylishly, but not overtly sexily, powerful but subservient, calm. The ideal is never stated, but somehow known by all involved.

(My group had an ideal woman, too. We also knew her. The ideal woman is young, attractive, plump, playful, very sexy and uninhibited, not bookish, subservient (it's funny how some things coincide).)

As Katie Gaddini says, the ideal is a problem both for those who cannot and will not conform to it, and for those who embody it, because they need to keep performing it even when it doesn't coincide with their lived experience and becomes harmful to them.

Overall, this is a wonderfully written book, and Gaddini approaches the subject with subtlety and grace. It's an interesting read even for those such as myself who have no connection to (or, to be frank, much knowledge of) the evangelical Church, because some experiences are deeply human, and deeply relatable.

Katie Gaddini's "The. Struggle to Stay" is a wonderfully inspiring book on the subject of faith, doubt, deconstruction, and reconstructing well. For Christians who feel like they are walking on a waterbed rather than solid ground, Katie's book offers a deeply wise, pastoral, autobiographical, and hope-filled gem that will undoubtedly inspire others toward healing and integration. For those who are dechurched, done, ex-vangelical, and even faithfully Christian, this book will be a helpful companion for the journey!