I didn't understand this. Was it fiction? Was it a memoir? She named her character after herself and then sent herself off on a really weird adventure but none of it really happened so it's ok? But her dad apparently really was involved with Charles Manson? The vagina stuff was way above what I was equipped to be reading. I think I was looking for an adventure about finding yourself in the maelstrom of motherhood but this was something very ,very different and a bit beyond my comfort zone.

An intense and powerful book. Very beautifully written. Explores motherhood, sex and substance abuse. An amazing dive into pain, grief and what it means to exist.

A new mother struggles with postpartum. And childhood/familial trauma.

The writing is funny and sarcastic. I loved it. The continuous shifting in perspectives did end up being a tiny bit confusing. I enjoyed all of the perspectives and fragmented story bits, some parts more than others of course, because I enjoyed the writing style, but it did take quite some time before I managed to keep the separat parts straight and remembered who was related to who and which story lines included which people.

I very much like a non-plot driven story. If you don't, then this one might not be for you. There really isn't a very clear plot line to follow here. But it was a lot fun to read, and for me the story also spurred thoughts on what kind of expectations we set up for ourselves and how or to what degree we manage to live up to them.

Thank you to NetGalley and Quercus Books for providing me with a digital review copy of the book.

This is a book which has captured my interest from the beginning. I love how this is written. It is filled with a mix of characters and has been a book I have been unable to predict.

A darkly funny, soul-rending novel of love in an epoch of collapse-one woman's furious revisiting of family, marriage, work, sex, and motherhood.

"Possibly it was my imagination (and what does it matter if it was? what is any of this - love, especially - if not imagination?)"

There's something beautiful about the dark humour women deliver through stream of consciousness but sadly the focus on Charles Manson lost me.

Thank you NetGalley for the Arc.

Claire is a writer struggling with
new motherhood, post-natal depression and the chaos of her life, both past and present. She walks out on her husband and baby and heads off for a speaking engagement, reuniting with old friends and family, both in reality and in her memories.
We learn not only of her difficult life but the disordered lives of her mother and father.
It tackles themes of motherhood, marriage, sex, and work as well as looking at substance abuse and the Manson family. There’s a lot here: grief, pain and a ferocious look at vulnerability and what it means to exist.
This is a raw, powerful and challenging read. It’s intense, darkly funny and beautifully written.
Also: great title and cover!
Many thanks to the publisher and NetGalley for the ARC. All views are my own.

This story is essentially about Claire and her family. The author talks about leaving her family behind as she tries to be free of the boundaries of her life and of other peoples’ expectations, whilst simultaneously changing timelines with stories of her parents. I found this structure confusing as I had difficulty remembering who the characters where in relation to each timeline. It felt quite disjointed which I understand to an extent because of what Claire goes through but it made it hard for me to follow at times. Some of the story is happening in reverse which I didn’t notice at first and I kept wondering if I’d missed important information that would be relevant to the rest of the book. I enjoyed reading the various sections of the book but I felt like I had to work hard to keep the story flowing in my mind.

I have a habit of picking up books that I have zero information or expectations of. Sometimes these gambles pay off and sometimes they don’t. Sadly, this book falls into the latter category.

A writer leaves behind her young baby and husband to speak at an event and finds herself in the midst of her past on the outskirts of Las Vegas. Under a blazing sun, she revisits the stories of her Manson family member father, her addict mother and the friends of her youth. These are the people who have made her who she is and she must learn to live by the lessons that they’ve taught her.

Our narrator comments on her experience of motherhood and the expectations of young parents. Her baby is a very good sleeper but the pressure to fit in with other new mums is so great that she feels the need to fake tiredness. I know that this is something that many new parents will know only too well and I’m sure it will raise a smile amongst them.

The book tackles some serious issues that don’t often get talked about but need exposure and conversation. Post-partum mental health is still considered to be a taboo subject and women who suffer from it are still labelled weak or bad mothers if they struggle to bond with their children. It does also ask the interesting yet probably unanswerable question of when post-partum ends and when it’s time to look at it as a more long-term condition.

At times, this book is beautifully written and it makes some unique observations. However, it felt very disjointed and I couldn’t really follow the story in a linear fashion because I’m not sure it’s told that way. The fact I’m not really sure if it is linear or not isn’t great though!

I Love You But I’ve Chosen Darkness is a unique book but it lacks real plot. The narrator isn’t terribly likeable either, although I did have some sympathies for her. I found it very hard to keep track of where we were in the narrative and I’m uncertain what it was trying to do. Perhaps we could have reined in some of the kooky bleakness in favour of a more cohesive, powerful story.

truly this was such an experience. though at times i definitely found this book slightly overwritten, for the most part, i was thoroughly impressed. i think this is a compelling piece of autofiction that probes really interesting themes in a way that manages to feel fresh. vaye-watkins has a distinct voice and her descriptions have a real cadence to them, sort of pulling you along seamlessly in what is really an impressive technical feat. perhaps the subject matter kept me from connecting to this on a really deep level, or perhaps the stage of my life at which i am plays into that, but overall this was a fascinating read.

I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness by Claire Vaye Watkins was quite a frustrating read as some parts I loved and other parts felt like a slog to get through.

Loved the title, but I've chosen my wellbeing.

Half way through the book I found myself skipping through the entire paragraphs of writing, as I couldn't find a narrative hook that would've kept me reading. It's not because of the subject - PPD is an important topic and under represented in the literature, especially with the context on deciding to leave the family to restore one's mental health. The writing style and the warped plot line that included letters, snippets from the past and the present events discouraged me from reading, as the way it was organised lacked coherency.

The story had so much potential, but the artistic choices made "I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness" very hard to read.

Unfortunately this one didn't work for me, which I'm really disappointed to say as I was excited about the blurb. I struggled with Claire's narrative voice and just couldn't get into the story. I'm sure others will really enjoy this but it just wasn't for me.

I chose to read this book as the title intrigued me, and I guessed it would have something to do with addiction and/or mental health, which it very definitely does. This is not an easy read yet I loved it. The style is very sparse and the timeline jumps around but as soon as I let myself go with it I found the protagonist to be a rich, flawed woman who I adored, and was willing to go with despite some of the destructive choices she made. Her family or origin story felt SO real and I’ve later seen that that piece of the story is true, and it certainly felt authentic. A challenging read - in a good way

Thank you to NetGalley and Claire Watkins for providing this book in exchange for an honest review.

I'm not sure how do I feel about the book. I found it difficult to get into it, to enjoy it but yet I could not make myself stop reading it.

I did enjoy reading Martha's letter. Found it hard to engage with Claire's narative.

I am afraid that I struggled with this book, I just didn't enjoy reading it. Hope others like it more.

I really like novels which turn around the main character who tells his/her/they life. There is no action in these books, but there is life, a lot of it and this is what I enjoy most. You get to know the character(-s), their interest, feelings, emotions, struggles and achievements.

I couldn't pass by "I love You but I've Chosen Darkness" mainly because of the reasons mentioned above. And I can say that it is a really interesting and thought provocing story.

However some parts seemed like they were too long and from time to time I got confused because of the switch between timelines - author's child- and adulthood. But the writing style itself is quite enjoyable.

I'd like to thank NetGalley and the author for providing me with the e-arc in exhange for my honest review.

When does a postpartum depression end and a real depression begin? The narrator – coincidentally with the same name and profession as the writer – is exhausted after giving birth. Flying to Reno for a book reading and leaving everything and everybody behind seems to be a good way out of the daily chores for a couple of days. Yet, she decides not to return but to reconnect with her hometown in the Nevada desert. Many people she had forgotten turn up and bring back memories and she questions the road she has taken since she could have chosen a completely different one.

Admittedly, the blurb sounded intriguing and I have read several reviews praising Claire Vaye Watkins’ novel “I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness”. However, for me, it didn’t really work. It is experimental in form and quite often there are lengthy quotations I had difficulties linking to the plot. The narration is strongest when we learn about the new mother’s struggles with her role, the new situation and the feeling of being fatigued. The rest seemed to be a bit messy which might well reflect the narrator’s – any maybe author’s - state of mind.

The book might best be described as an odyssey in which the narrator sails through time and space, searching for her identity which seems to have gone lost with childbirth. She could stop her journey at any moment and go back to her husband and daughter, but she doesn’t. She knows that there will be some nasty encounters and she will see places she only wanted to forget, but something drives her to continue.

Neither could I sympathise with the narrator nor could I really make sense of her adventure. It might be a question of hormones that you can only really understand if you have been in a comparable situation.

I didnt know what to expect from this book but it was enjoyable. It was so well written, it was raw, emotive and funny. I was gripped right from the start and couldnt put it down.