✨ Review ✨ Just by Looking at Him by Ryan O'Connell

I absolutely loved reading this - O'Connell's voice SHINES throughout this book in all of its bitchy glory. Just by Looking at Him features Elliott, a gay TV writer in Los Angeles who has cerebral palsy. Elliott struggles to feel seen in an ableist world and experiments with different addictions (alcohol, sex workers, etc.) to cope and feel seen.

This book is funny AF, but at the same time, it's deep, reflective, and relatable. Elliott speaks often to what it's like to be gay and disabled. Some of the critiques I've seen speak to the book's privilege or overgeneralizing about marginalization, and I think both are fair, but both also are just part of the character's POV and I didn't begrudge that.

O'Connell's pop culture references are SO ON POINT, and if you were a mid-1980s baby, I think this book will hit home for you in its references, with the character's insecurities and millennial mindset. This book was a delight from beginning to end and I'm going to rave about it for at least the rest of the month! 😂

While I mostly read the ebook, I listened to about an hour of the audiobook which the author reads and that made it EVEN BETTER - highly recommend the audio!!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️💫
Genre: LGBTQIA, literary fiction, m/m romance
Location: Los Angeles
Pub Date: June 7, 2022

Read this if you like:
⭕️ short chapters
⭕️ queer and disabled representation
⭕️ snarky narration, lots of humor and pop culture references

Thanks to Atria Books and #netgalley for an e-copy of this book!

I am so happy that this book is out in the world today! Get ready to binge read because you won’t want to put it down. This debut novel by @ryanoconn is funny, tender, messy and raw. This one is not to be missed. It is both informational (O’Connell is a gay man with cerebral palsy) and entertaining and I loved every moment of it.

Elliot is a TV writer with cerebral palsy who just wants to be seen. The whole book centers around his relationships with his boyfriend, father, friends, male escort, as well as his alcoholism and disability. It is about self acceptance and intersectionality.

“It’s wild to be ignored in a culture that currently has such a hard-on against injustice. When the fuck will it be our turn? Which Kardashian do I need to throw down the stairs and paralyze to get a disabled person on the cover of Vanity Fair?”

O’Connell’s writing is superb and I appreciated how he was able to move the main character through his own prejudices and self destructive behavior and come out the other side with a new perspective. I am off to start watching Special, the semi autobiographical series on Netflix, which is based on his memoir that came out in 2015. He also stars in the show.

Big thanks to @netgalley and @atriabooks for the opportunity to read this one early in exchange for an honest review!

Wow, this book was amazing. Deeply related to how self sabotaging the main character was.

To see main character Elliott's journey with alcoholism, the beginnings of a possible sex addiction and internalized ableism as well as some self hate had me shedding tears at the end of the book. I found O'Connell voice in this book to be amazing. This book was funny, painful and uplifting.

This is a perfect book for late 20 somethings-30s who are questioning their life still.

Being disabled, I related so much to Elliott and a lot of the things he pointed out about our ableist world and society are things I've thought and said myself. There were some amazing critiques and quotes in this book as well.

While this book is very white and upper class focused, I found the unique writing style to be extremely in tune with the main character. Elliot is self aware of his privilege (for the most part) in a way he choses not to be about other aspects of his life. His avoidance to confront his unhappiness/toxic behaviors and take accountability of those behaviors are part of his bottling up all his feelings and using distractions (sex, drugs, etc) to continue not confronting those things.

Ultimately, this is a book about a messy person who doesn't make right decisions, sometimes can't face his fears and still has a lot of learning and unpacking to do which I feel is rare to see in a book about someone in their 30s.

If you go into this wanting a plot with structure, this isn't for you. Think of this more as a life of something life at a crucial turning point.

Just by Looking at Him is an interesting read. The novel is strongest when the main character, Elliott, is struggling with his internalized hatred of being disabled and what it means to date while disabled. This also tackles the feeling of being unwanted or undesired, and how that can lead to unhealthy and toxic behavior/feelings.

Where the novel fails is some of the writing. If you're someone who hates pop culture references and wants reading to be an escape- you're not getting that from this. There are constant notes about real issues happening; including Trump, celebrities, movies, etc., bodyodyody is an actual phrase mentioned. The writing felt a little immature given the subject matter and didn't match the tone of the rest of the novel. I could justify some of the narration if the mc's was aged down, but he's thirty. If this were a memoir, as it reads as such, I'd be less critical of the writing. However crude the dialogue could be, I did enjoy the kind of fast past dialogue back and forth we get.

My only reasoning for it not being a 4 star read, is because of the lack of an actual plot. I tend to like books with a loose plot, more of a moment in time in a character's life, this, however, felt like we were aimlessly going through the motions unsure where we'll end up. Things just happened, scenes were unnecessarily included with no follow through- life is like that and perhaps that's what Ryan O'Connell was attempting to do. The ending was... okay? It just ends. I don't feel any closure or resolution.

Elliott's journey is unique and personal, I do see a lot of people relating to his struggles and feelings. So much brutal honesty and unapologetic feelings unfold through the novel. I appalled Ryan O'Connell for writing a character as complex as Elliot.

I have been so excited to read Ryan O'Connell's book since I fell in love with his Netflix show "Special". The book is wonderful and shows why O'Connell will continue to be a big voice in LGBTQ+ literature, and it is easy to understand why it has already been optioned for film/TV.

I absolutely loved this book!

The author has a really unique voice and tone and he made me laugh out loud while reading! I found the MC, Elliott, so relatable, even when I was frustrated with him.

Overall, this book was charming, funny, touching, and relatable!

This book follows our main character who is a gay tv writer living in LA and has cerebral palsy. This book navigates his everyday life living in that intersection while also dealing with an alcohol addiction. The commentary in this book in all of these areas is really amazing and poignant, while also being laugh out loud hilarious. It’s messy and beautiful and I highly recommend you pick it up!

Funny yet subtly dark, JUST BY LOOKING AT HIM is a deep dive into the trials and triumphs of its queer disabled protagonist, whose memorably acerbic and hilarious narrative voice belies a lot of vulnerabilities, and a rare exploration of a severely underrepresented subject.

This book is messy because its main character Elliott is. Living a seemingly perfect life with a great career and stable long-term relationship, but when Elliott hires a sex worker, things gradually start to unravel and he has to come to terms with his shiny-surface life that belies a lifetime of unconscious self-hatred fueled by an ableist society. With this novel, O'Connell asks: how can Elliott not be, in his own words, "seven layers of fucked up" when that is the message society has been sending his cerebral palsy-having self all his life?

Although this book deals with quite a serious subject matter, it does it all with gusto and, most endearingly, hilarity. Elliott's narrative voice and inner monologue are endlessly hilarious even in serious moments (I lost count on how many times I LOL-ed and chuckled..), and this is hands down one of the funniest books I read so far this year.

What I most enjoy about this novel, however, is the character development and the accompanying emotional resonance that gradually crescendoes towards the end. This is especially particular to things revolving around Elliott and disability: his and others' relationship with it, his navigation around it, his feelings towards others with it; all of the aforementioned are nuanced and uncomfortable, and while reading, it is not only Elliott who comes to a realization, but the reader with their own unconscious bias as well.

Diverse books are great not because they are diverse, but what we learn and vicariously experience from said diversity, how our worldview is expanded yet its unconscious preconceptions and judgments also challenged. Such is the case with this book. There has been increasing representation particularly with race and gender, but disability - especially queer disability - is still overwhelmingly underrepresented. Reading this book, therefore, is a privilege, and I am very grateful to O'Connell for writing it.

I was very ambivalent about this for the first fifty or so pages and I don't know that I was particularly impressed by the voice -- having read I'm Special, Elliot truly just barely feels like a cipher for Ryan O'Connell honestly -- but I did end up invested and entertained and while a lot of the social commentary, again, felt more like it was meant for memoir, it was so, so nice to see a disabled protagonist reckoning with not only the ways society refuses to make space for his disability, but also the ways in which he has internalized those hurts and oppressions and projected them on to other disabled people. I would have loved this if it spent more time with Jonas once Elliot met him and if stylistically it weren't so reliant on a tone that just felt inauthentic to the medium. I don't think novels have to be anymore serious than memoir, but they probably shouldn't sound like they're being retold to you conversationally.

Thanks to Atria Books and NetGalley for the ARC!

What is the opposite of self-aware but like very AWARE?

JUST BY LOOKING AT HIM is funny. It’s hilarious actually.

I don’t usually reach for humor in books but this is exactly what I needed this past week. It put a smile on my face more than once and I actually laughed out loud.

Our main character has cerebral palsy, a questionable addiction to -well, lots of things and is bored in his relationship.

He decides to foray into the hiring of sex workers and we get to be a fly on the wall all in this new novel by Ryan O’Connell.

I could not put it down.

Hilarious, sharp, and steamier than one could hope for, I really had a good time with this one.

If I was your TBR Dr. 👩🏽‍⚕️ I’d prescribe this book as recommended reading to lighten your mood and lol.

Thanks to Netgalley and Atria Books for the advanced copy!

As a fan of Ryan’s work in Special, I was really looking forward to his first novel. Reading Just By Looking At Him felt like watching an alternative universe version of his show, which was exciting and comforting at times, but repetitive at others.

Whoa, this book is much different than the books I usually read! It is laugh-out-loud funny, but my goodness is is graphic! If you are at all squeamish about graphic descriptions of sex, gay sex in particular, you will not enjoy this book at all. That said, the writing is good and the characters come alive from the pages. It is compulsively readable and I finished it in just two sittings, blushing all the way. I am definitely going to go watch "Special" on Netflix now!

Thank you to NetGalley, the publisher, and the author for the opportunity to read an advanced digital copy of this hilarious but touching, novel in exchange for my honest review.

Disclaimer: I am not white. I am not cis. I am queer but I am not a gay man. Please keep that in mind if you choose to read this review.

Demographically, we (queer people) are not all the same. This book was written to a very specific demographic. Namely, white gay xennial cis men whose attitudes about queer culture haven’t evolved beyond the prevailing thinking of the mid aughts. In fact, this book reads like one long season of Queer as Folk, the original American version that aired from 2000 to 2005 that was so revolutionary at the time but is a little (or a lot) cringe when one takes a hard look at it today. This feeling is reinforced by the vast number of cultural references throughout this book. Cultural references are the quickest way an author can date their book. This book comes to the reader already out dated because about 85% of the cultural references included in the book date back to the late 90s/early aughts.

Entitlement
This book reeks of privilege, white privilege in particular. Peppered throughout this book are references that I as a non-white, non-male person with few privileges simply can't relate to. Elliot, our POV main character, references those one or two years we all have after college wherein we have no obligations? Can't relate. I had to hold down a job so I could pay rent. Unironically he says that a two hour wait for brunch at a restaurant where he forgot to make reservations is a white gay couple's worst nightmare. JFC. We should all be so lucky. Finally, Elliot states that life was easier in 2012, that America was more innocent then and not weighed down by the depressing headlines we see today. WTF? Easier for who? I didn't just start getting discriminated against this year. 2022 or 2012, all the years have been tough.

Most distressing are the pronouncements. Throughout the book Elliot frequently pronounces that "all marginalized people do X thing," as if we are all the same and all carry the same burdens in the same way. This wrong thinking culminates in a conversation with a coworker who states that all marginalized people are self-loathing by virtue of being marginalized. The coworker says (and Elliot says this too earlier in the book) that many marginalized people direct that self-loathing outward and treat others like human garbage as a result. However, according to the coworker, a "real" (and, yes, she uses the word "real") marginalized person turns that hate inward. Our POV main character doesn't contradict her, so I can only assume he agrees. If I were to believe the pronouncements made in this book, it would mean I've been doing marginalized wrong because I don't hate myself and I don't hate other people. I get angry when I see rhetoric advocating for the alienation of marginalized groups, but hate is a leap reserved for the truly heinous.

I can't think of a time recently where I've read a book by a white author who was so totally unaware, both socially and politically. It's 2022, dude. Read the room. Cracking jokes about the burden of your white main character's privilege isn't going to draw the right kind of laughs from the right kind of people anymore.

Addiction
Note 1: Google tells me this author has struggled with alcohol addiction. I have found no readily available information to indicate whether or not the author shares his POV main character's prescription painkiller addiction.
Note 2: I'm an addict. Name the thing and I can find a way to get addicted to it. But I haven't had a drink in 10yrs and I haven't taken drugs in 8yrs.

There's no one right way to be an addict and there's no one right way to recover from addiction. However, there is a baseline understanding that many of us share when we talk about our addiction. While this text may be reflective of the author's personal journey and his own self-talk, I cannot relate to most of what is written here. Elliot, our POV main character, remembers his painkiller addiction fondly? He calls himself sober even though he occasionally pops a pill? He doesn't think addiction brings unwanted drama into his life? He thinks addiction is boring?

These are the thoughts of someone who hasn't come to terms with their addiction and grasped its full impact on his life and the lives of the people around him. And that's ok. Recovering from addiction is a lifelong journey. Sobriety is a choice you have to make every day. However, what's difficult for me here is that the book represents that the POV main character's struggle with addiction is resolved by the end of the book. This is accomplished with little self-reflection or deep work on the character's part. He simply reads a book, it reframes his thinking, and then boom! addiction conquered and no more work necessary. If only it were that easy for the rest of us.

Again, perhaps what's written here sincerely reflects the author's journey with alcoholism, but I'm wary of a book like this that sends a message that recovery is a short and fairly uncomplicated process.

Disability and Ableism
Please note that I am a mostly able-bodied person.

Elliot's disability is a fact of his life that he understands better than I will ever be able to. He can talk about his disability in whatever way he chooses. It is not Elliot's job to ensure that I sympathize with him. Elliot owes me nothing.

With that said, I struggled to understand what message the author was trying to convey in the first 70% of the book. When conversation or internal monologue veered toward a discussion of Elliot's disability, he used humor tinged with self-loathing to deflect and quickly change course. The reader never gets to sit with Elliot's disability and understand just how it has affected his life, not just physically but emotionally as well.

However, at around 70% there is a tone shift and Elliot begins to share more of himself with the reader as he allows himself to reflect on his disability and share how his disability affects him with others in his life. Although we had to wade through almost three quarters of the book to get there, it's here where we begin to see a real examination of disability vs helplessness. Elliot asks himself does he allow Gus, his able-bodied longtime partner, to aid him because he (Elliot) is disabled or has Elliot rendered himself helpless by allowing Gus to aid him? Where does care end and enabling begin? Also discussed in more depth in the last quarter of the book is the intersection of Elliot's disability and his alcoholism as his self-destructive behavior comes to a head.

It's in the last quarter of the book where Elliot stops deflecting and starts showing the reader a raw vulnerability. It's that vulnerability that finally allowed me to connect (very briefly) with Elliot as a character. I think this frank openness about his disability and the effect it has on Elliot's life offers real insight for able-bodied people that they may not have otherwise. I know for me, the discussion of microaggressions hit home. I face a different kind of discrimination than Elliot does, but the concept of microaggressions is very relatable, and thus eye opening.

Style
My copy of this book has 3,619 Kindle locations and 74 chapters. That means the chapters are short, sometimes only 1 to 2 pages. As a result, this book is less like a cohesive novel and more like a series of related but unconnected scenes. Segues from one scene to the next are few and far between. Perhaps this is the product of the author's television experience? In my view this reads more like a fleshed out TV script, jumping from one scene to the next.

The Best Thing About This Book
Hands down, the best thing about this book is the dad. Elliot's father's brand of tough but unconditional love was the thing that carried me through the back half of the book. I think this book was supposed to be humorous? But it was only when we got on-page time with the dad that I laughed out loud.

In Conclusion
What does this book want to be? Perhaps the story of a descent into self-destruction followed by a journey toward self-acceptance? If so, the resolution to this story comes in the very last chapter. And that it is achieved with such little introspection undermines the weight of the story and in my opinion the self-loathing disguised as humor throughout the book erodes the story's impact. Pass on any more from this author.

‘just by looking at him’ tells the story of elliot, a gay tv writer with cerebral palsy as he struggles with addiction, confronting his disability in a wholly ableist world, and finding honest relationships in his life.

this book is funny, real, super h*rny (can i say that on bookstagram?), and incredibly eye-opening. ryan o’connell—whose work i know from his netflix show ‘special’— uses a wonderful mix of funny pop culture references, vivid descriptions (this book is VERY LA - most things i got cos BRAVO is my lifeline but others were easily understood or google-able), and insightful chapters that are a commentary on various failings of his and society.

ARC courtesy of NetGalley (thank you!)

I really enjoyed this.

Elliott, is a white, gay man with cerebral palsy. He is a successful tv writer living in LA with his long-term “perfect” boyfriend, Gus. But underneath the shiny perfection of this lifestyle is a messy reality. Elliott is a functioning alcoholic, dissatisfied with his relationship, struggling in a toxic work environment and ableist society. He begins cheating on Gus with sex workers and everything begins to spiral out of control. He works through self-loathing and self-destructive behaviors to find self-acceptance. Oh and did I mention it's funny? Very funny.

I am familiar with Ryan O’Connell from his Netflix series Special which I enjoyed very much (and one of the reasons I wanted to read this book) and some of the elements in Special are revisited in this book. I like O’Connell’s biting humor which is constant throughout the book despite the very serious issues Elliott experiences.

The most effective and moving moments for me in the book are when Ryan explores the intersectionality of disability and queer identity. How hard he has worked to be “acceptable” in a world that has zero consideration for bodies like his - becoming the “crostini of disability” forced to accept and be grateful for whatever comes his way.

It’s a quick read but that does not diminish how well it managed to be sexy, raunchy, deeply moving, funny, and hopeful. I think the audiobook narrated by O’Connell would be wonderful as well.

(Sidebar: As I was looking at other reviews for this book I was struck how a book written by and about a person with a disability does not appear to be tagged/categorized as such. No “disabled voices” or “disability lit” on Goodreads or on NetGalley or Amazon. That’s disappointing and a glaring omission since this book is about being gay AND disabled)

This is a not-so-unique story of millennial ennui told from the unique perspective of someone with a disability. Although at times it felt repetitive, the pop culture references are funny and keep it moving quickly. The second half wraps things up nicely, while still seeming realistic. Overall would recommend and think this fills a niche that is very under-represented in publishing.

I really loved this book! It had a lot of elements that just work for me. Like messy queer characters, a protagonist who doesn’t always make the right choices, a Hollywood setting, and a lot of humor. The book explores the gay community, ideas about monogamy, ableism (both internalized and otherwise), and addiction.

I can understand why this book won’t be for everyone. Elliott, the main character, is constantly making mistakes and his sense of humor probably won’t be to everyone’s liking. But I loved watching his journey with all the ups and downs. Also, there were multiple times that the book made me laugh out loud. I was chuckling on and off all day because of the “Cumspringa” comment.

Something that I appreciate about the book is the frank exploration of sex and disability. Elliott has cerebral palsy and the way that plays into his sex life, relationships, and life as a whole was a significant portion of the book. Definitely check this one out!

I was honestly hesitant to read this book knowing that the premise centered on a white male, privileged in some ways, disadvantaged in many others, who can’t help but to cheat in his boyfriend. Was fully expecting this to make justifications for his actions and smooth everything over in the end. What I read instead was a much more self-reflective take on insecurity and the many forms of addiction that can spawn from it. Even in the messiest parts of the mc, I found myself incredibly drawn to how it would continue.

Also, the book is just flat out funny, and maybe sometimes a little too raunchy for it’s own good but I loved it. (Literally the first line reads “My boyfriend Gus has a beautiful penis,” so you know it gets real after that).

Rating it a 4.25 bc I felt it took some time for the story to find it’s aim in the beginning and relied a little heavily on pop culture references. But the last chapter is absolutely stunning. Would def recommend!

~ I received this as an ARC from NetGalley~

The cover, the story, the character development fit so beautifully together in this incredible novel by Ryan O’Connell.
I was intrigued by the overview at a high level, a 30ish, gay writer dealing with his cerebral palsy.
To me these are sensitive and perhaps fragile topics to explore and I had no idea of what to expect when I started reading.
The joy, is in what I received. A raw, poignant, revealing and often humorous novel.
Elliot is plagued by his own demons dealing with his disability and fueled by a dependence on alcohol. He is talented with a successful career and in a relationship with his boyfriend Gus but that does not mend his brokenness or feeling unattractive. Elliot strays into a darker world, one of dalliances filled with numerous sex workers. In the gay community, this is a secret that is difficult to keep under wraps. Elliot’s journey to find his place, in search of his redemption is equally pensive and revelatory. The well developed characters we meet along the way are relatable and make for a rich and rewarding experience.
Highly recommended with thanks to NetGalley, the author and Atria Books for an ARC in exchange for an honest book review.

The first thing thing that is to be said about Ryan O'Connell's debut fiction novel is it's stunning cover. It emulates a Call Me By Your Name-esque summer holiday, inviting you in with all it's beauty, but as you read the first few pages, it becomes clear this novel is anything but a romantic summer read. And the book is all the better for it.

Just by Looking at Him masterfully balances humour with sincerity, and as someone who doesn't often laugh while reading, O'Connell's prose had me in bits. It's unapologetic in a way that other modern writers have tried to emulate, but unlike his peers O'Connell has a distinct voice.

It meanders at times, but despite its flaws, Just by Looking at Him is a fantastic edition into modern queer literature. Ryan O'Connell has given us one of the best fiction debuts in a while, and with it has solidified his place among his peers.

Many thanks to the publisher Atria Books and NetGalley for providing me with an advance reader copy.