Carmen Rita Wong’s “Why Didn’t You Tell Me?” is a turbulent and troubling memoir. The book is the author’s personal exploration of her identity that slowly unfurls as she suffers through adversity, tragedy and traipses through decades of family secrets that leave her questioning who she is.

This memoir offered me a glimpse into a period of time that was new to me. I found Wong’s family dynamics so sad. While I couldn’t necessarily relate to Wong’s struggles with her search for her cultural identity, Ms. Wong makes it so the reader is able to understand it.

The majority of the book was an overly detailed look at the family she was born into, as well as, the family she grew up with and how each formed who she became. I found it difficult to wade through all the minutia. In a majority of the book was so intricately detailed that it weighed down the purpose. In the last part of the book the author hit the 80 mph speed limit and it felt like it was very hastily written and quite a change of pace from the majority of the book. Unfortunately for me she never hit that balance.

Ultimately for me this memoir reads like a very long therapy session. I did feel the author’s raw and painful emotion while she untangled her families complex history.

I will unequivocally say that Ms. Wong through all of the complexity of her life has obviously worked hard and has an amazing career. I admire her resilience and continued search for an inner sense of peace.

I would like to thank the author, Crown Publishing and NetGalley for the ARC in exchange for an honest review.

Wow. Just wow.

Once I started reading this, I could not stop. I consumed it all in one day. I HAD to know how it all ended and I was not disappointed.

THIS is the kind of memoir I love reading - a tough story that shows the resilience of the author without all the whining and complaining so many memoirs of today have. Yes, the author had a rough life. She never quite felt she fit in anywhere. Dominican, but not really Dominican enough. Asian, but not really Asian enough. Black, but not really black enough. American, but not really American enough. And the worst of all - never feeling like she fit into her family; never really looking like any one person and never really feeling that close to her half-sisters [she had an amazing relationship with her brother that I admit to be extremely envious of], yet she takes ALL of that and makes it work for her and makes a pretty good life for herself. It isn't until her "dad" throws a bombshell at her and the results of a Ancestry.com test that her life is thrown into full turmoil with an ending that made me ugly cry for quite some time.

This was an excellent read. I knew little about the Dominican culture and this was an interesting look into that world. As someone who has struggled her whole life to fit into her family [but for WAY different reasons], I also could relate to those feelings she felt when she struggled to be seen. And even with the ugly crying at the end, I loved how it ended and I can see the hope she has in moving forward. Her love and grace shown is much more than I think I would be capable of giving.

Thank you to NetGalley, Carmen Rita Wong and Crown Publishing/Penguin Random House [who asked me to read and review this book] for providing this ARC in exchange for an honest review.

I think the reason I love reading memoirs so much is because you get To dive deep into someone else’s life for the duration of the read.
Wong provides a doozy of a read. Her search is for her identity. She thought she was the child of a Chinese father and a Dominican mother. But after 31 years she will learn more than she ever bargained for.
Her story has so much packed into it, I can’t even begin to give it justice.
Trust me, you’re going to want to read it if you’re interested in genetics and family history.

I'll be honest -- any review I provide will not accurately describe the impact this story had on me, especially in today's times. This memoir is written from the perspective a Black, Latina and Chinese woman growing up without knowing her immigrant mother’s deepest secrets. When the truth is revealed, slowly but surely, the traumatic results leave you wondering how any individual could overcome such chaos and lack of trust.

This book is fundamentally important in understanding the impact of immigration, racism, and familial conflict. It's eye-opening and heartbreaking, but I am so grateful that Carmen Rita Wong shared her life perspective. All of the stars for this gem!

Thank you to NetGalley and Crown for providing an advanced copy in exchange for my honest review.

This was such an interesting story about a mixed immigrant family. There's a generic version of Hispanic ethnicity that is pervasive in American culture and this engaging autobiography of a Dominican-Chinese girl in New York is a great addition to books that contribute to a more nuanced, realistic and complex portrayal of who we are.

Why Didn't You Tell Me? by Carmen Rita Wong was perfect. Absolutely loved it. I will be recommending this to my followers.

Engaging and interesting memoir about race in America, immigrant status, biracial experiences, and family lore

I love learning about other peoples lives and Carmen really has an interesting one. I couldn't imagine feeling like I belong in so many different crowds yet feeling like I don't belong anywhere. I thought this was incredible.

Carmen Rita Wong, thank you for sharing your story with us, I cried so much with you and also felt happy that you were able to succeed in life far away from the things that hurt you.

Why Didn't you tell me? is the story of Carmen a Dominican-American-Chinese who survived many of the ignorance of the culture that put her in many scenarios that were terrible for any young child, her mother Lupe secretly hid a huge secret that affected Carmen's life in so many ways, but at the same time helped Carmen to see why she always felt the way she felt around her family.

While I was reading Carmen's story I felt very connected with her because her mother and my father are very similar always trying to focus the attention of everybody on them no matter what is happening to you the attention always has to be around them, the spotlight always belonged to them, that's how I felt while reading the first pages of the book, reading how at the beginning Lupe was a kind mother but started to change significantly towards Carmen in a very aggressive way.

Carmen suffered so much with all the changes in her life, her mother's new marriage to Marty, and they move to a new place that really didn't make their life easy, the level of racism Carmen describes is terrible, ignorant and it only speaks how people really believe the color of your skin somehow has to do anything with success?!? Carmen was always very smart and saw and heard many times people around them making fun of her mother and her. living in a small town was not easy people were very square and belive many ignorant things.

she had a brother Alex whom she loved and cared for, their relationship was the best part of this family, Alex was always kind and trying to help her in many ways, years later Carmen had new siblings she had sisters to confined and love but still, Alex was her rock. Carmen always felt she was different, this is the time when I couldn't understand Lupe, she was very tired and angry to be at home working hard taking care of all her children and she still got pregnant over and over again, there is a scene that really made me angry, the fact that your kids spend hours preparing a bday for you and Lupe destroying that in a second, I really disliked her so much at that moment, they didn't, deserve that plus I can't understand a mother who Can't see their kids with eyes of love.

Another thing that I really dislike was Marty's poor behavior towards Lupe, he made fun of her, and sometimes ridicule her in his own way, I don't understand the behavior of these men all of them were very misogynistic and saw women as servants, I know that's the culture and I know in some many places in Latin America and other parts of the world still practice this poor behavior, they see women as someone inferior but I never understood why they had to make fun of them or even treat them like they were nothing?. why did you marry in the first place if you were gonna treat Lupe that way?

After reading all the things Lupe, Papi wong and Marty did to Carmen, I couldn't stand them, I really was angry with them because they couldn't help her and really support her in any way, their problems were bigger than taking care of Carmen, their behavior was always very selfish but in the end, once Carmen learned the real truth about her mother all that she went through when she was just a young lady, is when everything starts to make sense.

Lupe suffered so much when she was just a child, her father was a Macho, a machista, who treated women worst than an object, enabling Lupe to have the capacity to not repeat the same pattern and the same mistakes with her own children.

Carmen your story is hard and beautiful, I felt close to you in many ways, and cried with you, especially when your brother Alex left I wanted to be there with you and hold you and I'm glad you were able to succeed and make such a strong woman of yourself you deserve so much.

This book is beautiful in some way, the imperfect family makes a perfectly beautiful woman Carmen.

Thanks to NetGalley and Crown Publishing for an advanced reader copy of Why Didn't You Tell Me? in exchange for an honest review.

A raw and difficult memoir from a woman who demonstrates the difficulties and joys of multiple ethnic identities, Why Didn't You Tell Me? purports to be a story about a woman whose life is shaken by a lifelong secret her mother kept from her. In reality, it's about Carmen Rita Wong's experience growing up as a "Chino-Latino" with a strong-willed, abusive mother, moving from Brooklyn to New Hampshire, and trying to find her own identity as she became her own person.

I keep going back to a review I read of this book early on, which said that memoirs should be written from a scar, not an open wound. In the last quarter of the book, Wong gets into the events that really caused her to write this memoir - they all happen within 18-20 months, and coincide with the Covid-19 pandemic. She acknowledges that a lot of this grief and trauma is still extremely fresh, and she's still in the process of processing it. As a reader, this is so apparent. After reading and digesting this book for a while, I still don't know how to feel about it, primarily because Wong doesn't know how to feel about it - and it's her own trauma for her to digest. Perhaps the book was and is part of the process of healing, but there are so many untempered emotions of anger, bitterness, sadness, loss, etc. all rolled into one fairly short book.

Thank you to Crown Publishing for the ARC via Netgalley.

4.5 stars
A story that is continually unfolding where every new fact seems more unbelievable than the last. With so many secrets revealed after her mother's death you get a strong sense of frustration for Carmen who is left with so many unanswered questions.
Loved the honest and at times extremely personal unveiling that the author shares with us. It's like she's reading her diary for the first time along with us as she discovers the other life that was kept hidden to her for so long.
A read that will spark a few feelings that will stay with you even after finishing the book.
Thanks to Netgalley for the opportunity to read this book for my honest opinion.

Thank you Netgalley for an advanced copy of WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? by Carmen Rita Wong. Wong had the most heart-breaking, difficult life, that, yes, slightly resembles a telenovela. The difference is, this is her real life and so that brought her real, grounded emotions into the telenovela drama of her believing three different men were her father at some point in her life. The mystery of it also really did keep me turning pages, along with wanting to see how she managed to achieve so much despite all her obstacles. It was a sad but enjoyable read.

A fascinating, almost unbelievable story! I was fascinated from beginning to end. If you enjoy reading memoirs, this one will grab you. I loved all the details of her life in different places and how she mastered each place in order to fit in. I'm so glad this book is now out in the world!

Thank you to NetGalley for an advance copy of this book. What a story she told!

Carmen Rita Wong’s “Why Didn’t You Tell Me?” is a sharp, turbulent memoir; an exploration of identity and intergenerational trauma that unfolds as she endures adversity and tragedy, and wades through decades’ thick family secrets that leave her questioning who she really is.

This reads like a cathartic therapy session or a long catch up with a friend. While Wong’s voice is assured, I could sense her raw emotion as she recollected her convoluted history and subsequent search for truth. Families are fickle, and intergenerational trauma is real–Wong doesn’t shy away from portraying her family’s complexities, but does so in a well-rounded manner. Born into a marriage of convenience between her Dominican mother (Lupe) and Chinese father, she recounts a vibrant–and mysterious–Manhattan life until Lupe’s remarriage to her white stepfather, who relocates their family to New Hampshire where they are subjected to racism and pressure to assimilate. Lupe becomes a solitary housewife unable to express her individuality, leading to deep unhappiness that manifests as verbal and mental abuse towards her children. While it’s clear Wong’s relationship with Lupe is fraught, she acknowledges that the abuse came from sacrifice, hurt, and a need for control after Lupe’s own history of abuse and later on the feeling of being stuck in life–this is what I appreciated most about this book, the recognition that parents struggle too, and while abuse isn’t justifiable, perhaps the next generation can unpack and break the cycle.

Through all this, Wong works hard and earns an amazing career. Still, her relationships suffer and she is force fed a confession from her stepfather that tilts her world and understanding of her past, culture, and identity that I won’t go into for spoilers sake. When I read it I was like, “will this woman ever catch a break?” I felt for Wong as she was capsized by tragedy and dissatisfaction, but from the short time I’ve known her, I know she wouldn’t want my condolences. Instead, I deeply admire her resilience and continued hunt for a sense of peace.

Talk about family secrets and lies! This thoughtful and thought provoking memoir details Wong's search for the truth when, after her mother's death, she discovers that her father is not her bio-dad. She was an outsider in her family after her mother remarried and moved them with her Caucasian husband to New Hampshire, leading to culture shock on several levels. And then her mother had more children. Memoirs are tricky because you don't want to judge the author's life or life choices. Wong offers up her experience and does so with terrific storytelling. Thanks to netgalley for the ARC.

𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒔𝒆 𝒕𝒓𝒖𝒕𝒉𝒔 𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒐𝒑𝒑𝒐𝒔𝒊𝒕𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒕𝒂𝒍𝒆𝒔 𝒕𝒐𝒍𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒎𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒎𝒚 𝒃𝒓𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒏𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒍𝒚 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒐𝒇 𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒍𝒊𝒗𝒆𝒔. 𝑻𝒂𝒍𝒆𝒔. 𝑵𝒐𝒕 𝒂 𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒎𝒐𝒏𝒌𝒆𝒚 𝒃𝒖𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒔 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒅𝒊𝒔𝒄𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒅 𝒖𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒍 𝒇𝒂𝒎𝒊𝒍𝒚 𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒈𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒔𝒊𝒙 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒕 𝒖𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓.

In Carmen Rita Wong’s memoir, the theme is her identity and in order to understand it fully, she plunges the reader into the depths of her family secrets. To anyone looking at her success, media entrepreneur, former national television host, and advice columnist, no one would imagine the alienation she felt growing up. Nor would a stranger imagine the pain and struggle she confronted in trying to figure out what culture to assimilate. When she was a little girl, she spent time at her abuela’s feasting on Dominican food and unconditional love while her mother worked. Often when her mother wasn’t working hard, Carmen basked in the glow of her mother’s Black and brown Latina women friends and family in their Claremont apartment . Her mother had divorced her Chinese father when Carmen was two years old, a man whom Lupe married at her family’s insistence, in order to get immigration status for her mother, brother and sister. It was a sacrifice, marrying a much older man, of another culture and one of questionable character. Abuses followed. They often divided their time between their parents, paraded before Peter Wong’s (their papi’s) friends in Chinatown. Eventually, Lupe married a college educated, second-generation Italian American named Marty. Marty proclaimed himself as white and was wildly opposite from her father. Immediately, cultural, race differences were evident, and Carmen’s view of the world expanded. So, too, began her search for her place in it. A new world opened when they moved to New Hampshire, and of course there was a cost. No longer would she fit in, standing out with her brown skin in a predominately white place; this was the 1970’s. Her Harlem days with her Chinese, Dominican and Black culture abruptly ended, aside from their visits back.

Bad enough to deal with displacement, the racism that trailed them, and a new stepfather but the erasure of their culture traded for a home aiming at the American Dream left their city roots were withering. She was already splitting, one way of being with her family in the city and another under Marty’s roof. There were no faces like she and her brother’s, she also saw her mother controlled, no longer her own woman. Often, Lupe became the butt of jokes. In time, her mother would rage in her unhappiness, and Carmen would take the brunt of it. When her mother and Marty start their own family together, her alienation grows wider. Disappointments seem to be on order, she would never be Marty’s child, not like her siblings, and her own father can’t get through visits without gambling. There seems to be no tender place for she and her brother to fall. Even though the city was in her blood, she relied on the predictability of Marty’s world but deep down she would always remain outside of it. It doesn’t mean she didn’t take anything from it, didn’t learn about life under his guidance.

Witness to her mother’s attempts at embracing Anglo Culture in hindsight is painful. There is no escape for Carmen either, growing up in New England, she was bound to have to ‘follow the rules’ of that world, at least if she wanted to have the same doors open for her. It also meant no longer belonging when she was around her cousins with her visits back to the city. She was being bled of her ethnicity. As time passed, her mother grew more difficult, but Carmen’s skill was in managing such personalities, like it or not. Unlike her mother, she was set on higher education and a career. She refused to get tripped up by anyone’s stereotype of Hispanic women. She grappled with race, religion, family, and her own identity. There was nothing she wanted more than equality and acceptance. Did she get it? Did all the work lead to what she deserved? Did she survive her mother’s criticism and gaslighting? Carmen always had her mind, the ‘only truly private place’ but what about her history, is the stories her mother told her truth? Her real origins would only be revealed years later, as her mother is dying of cancer. It is a mystery and a tragedy, who is her father? Imagine the chaos when the revelations keep changing. Carmen says her mother’s existence ‘required all those around her to work hard to keep the peace, her peace”, the same could be said about keeping her story or uncovering it. It is a mysterious inheritance.

I felt a lot of compassion for Carmen, sometimes we forget how difficult childhood was and fitting in, especially with newly formed families. It is just that more challenging. Her mother’s life wasn’t charmed either, but it doesn’t make a child feel any better, inheriting a parent’s suffering and dealing with the damage of their lies. Both of Carmen’s parents were immigrants and had biting histories dragging them down. How do you move on when the biggest lie of all is at the heart of who we think we are? We don’t have hindsight when we are young and just want to be loved, a place to feel secure. Bringing cultural identity into it magnifies so much, and there is a lot of inherent racism she dealt with and that I don’t doubt she deals with even today. Yet, to lose the foundation of your beliefs, it’s more than just a shock to the system, it’s heartbreaking. An engaging read that begs the question, what is identity really? Intelligent, heavy, honest.

Publication Date: July 12, 2022

Crown Publishing

Such a wonderful memoir, and so interesting too. This is the story of the author's life as a young girl growing up in both New York and New Hampshire as a multi-racial woman of color. The amazing stories regarding her struggles and the various instances of racism she experienced were so eye-opening and engaging. I must admit I was not aware of her before reading this book, but I am curious to find out more about her work because her story was so compelling. Each twist and turn in her life was so mindblowing, I have to recommend this to anyone who wants to learn more about the plight of multi-racial women in our society. Not only did she experience serious instances of racism and microaggressions, but due to being a woman as well. So amazing, but also interesting to read about the struggles experienced by her parents as well, and the wild secrets that were kept from her until almost the end of her parents' lives.
This ebook was provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

This was a fascinating story. The layers of race, culture and class gave great insight into the experiences many in our country face. I appreciated the author’s willingness to examine herself along with the others around her.

A beautiful memoir the author shares her life her unique family.After her mothers death she discovers the man she thought was her father isn’t .A story you will want to read for yourself emotionally moving.#netgalley #crownpublishing

I was very excited for this book because the blurb really piqued my interests. But having read it, I think the book dove into a lot of unnecessary storylines that didn't really have an overall contribution to the main point of the story.