It feels weird to critique a memoir. I struggle when doing so. It's someone's life on paper, it's their heart and soul for everyone to read. Carmen Rita Wong tells a compelling story of an immigrant childhood - of being between two worlds, of being an older sibling and dealing with family dynamic and exceptions.

That said, I wanted something more, something deeper. The story overall is interesting and the overall questions of "Why Didn't You Tell Me?' is truly never really answered. There is so many deeper topics that could have been explored, especially by someone of Wong's caliber. It's disappointing that she wasn't pushed further.

Still, I admire that she was able to confront the difficult topics that she was.

Thanks to NetGalley and the publishers for the opportunity to read and review this book.

Carmen Rita Wong always felt like an outside in her community and in her own family. She was born to a Dominican mother and a Chinese father, but was mostly raised by an Italian stepfather in a tumultuous household full of half-siblings. She fought against racism and sexism to become a respected journalist. But her understanding of herself and her background changed dramatically when she learned her mother had several long-held secrets about Carmen's father.

This is a fascinating memoir about family secrets, genealogy, and identity. I think it's a little broader of a story than the publisher copy promises, but Carmen Rita Wong has a unique story and clear writing style. It's a great read for anyone who enjoys personal stories about how complicated family relationships shape us.

Wong details growing up amidst many worlds and struggling to find her identity. After her mother's death, a DNA test unveils that the man she believed to her father is, in fact, not. She goes a journey to uncover her mother (and her own) history.

For fans of Inheritance by Dani Shapiro

I really enjoyed this memoir! It was sad, captivating, everything at once. A search for fatherhood and identity, it was a memoir I did not want to end.

This memoir has a fantastic hook; I love memoirs that delve into family secrets. Unfortunately, after alluding to this family mystery, Wong doesn't revisit it until the last quarter of the book (and even then it isn't the sole focus). Mostly, this is a memoir of Wong's childhood as a mixed race child moved from NYC to New Hampshire. There is a quote about memoirs (I don't recall who to credit) that you should write from a scar, not a wound. This memoir feels like a gushing wound; Wong seems to write from a place of bitterness and rancor towards her parents and white society. She endured a lot, so this is not a judgment of her feelings, rather a statement about my experiences as a reader.

I grew frustrated with Wong's tone and poor editing (this was an ARC, but the writing was unclear at times). She seems untrusting of either herself or the reader to gain/provide empathy as many of her experiences are accompanied by parenthetical reminders (i.e. "remember I was only a child when this happened..."). There are many misplaced modifiers and other grammatical issues that led to confusion while reading, and she refers to some people by several names (Papi/Peter/my father) and other family members, like her half-sisters, are never referred to by name, which was odd and disconcerting. When Wong is not trying to elicit sympathy, she comes off as bragging about her accomplishments. She displays little to no accountability for her actions, either - she had two failed marriages and describes herself as powerless to them, despite claiming that she saw red flags from the very start (never really describing a period of falling in love, as if perhaps she feels this would be viewed as a weakness?), and similarly writes as a victim of her graduate school experiences, though it seems she never fully researched the income and realities of the profession she was pursuing.

By the time Wong does revisit her paternity (oddly, the synopsis here refers to her stepfather as Charlie, but he is Marty in the book) I was frustrated and tired. These passages are interesting, but I'd grown fairly tired of the book by then. I think this could have been a fascinating essay but it does not feel like a flushed out memoir - I wish I had skipped to the end of the book after the opening.

4.5 stars

I really enjoyed this book and the glimpse it offered into a world I knew nothing about, in a time period that was fraught with racism, both intentional and unintentional. I found Wong’s family dynamics fascinating and my heart hurt for her and her sisters having to endure their mother’s mood swings and sharp tongue. While I couldn’t necessarily relate to Wong’s struggles with and search for her cultural identity, I certainly understood it. The majority of the book was a wonderfully detailed look at the family she was born into, the family she grew up with, and how each shaped who she became as an adult. My only criticism of the book was the last fifth or so. Whereas I felt that Wong spent a lot of time describing and explaining everything that had happened to her through the age of 40 or so, all the events after that seemed very rushed. For the last couple of chapters, I felt as if I were in a speeding car, and I would have liked for it to slow down.

"Why Didn't You Tell Me?" by Carmen Rita Wong is a very appropriate title for a memoir about the author's life that centers around her family. It's hard to write a review without giving away the things that went untold, but the actors in Wong's life are both frustrating and interesting. One of my favorite people in the book is Wong's Chinese family who plays an on and off role in her life. Wong has an invaluable relationship with her brother who helps her navigate her mother's difficult ways. Wong did a great job at making the reader feel the ins and outs of her relationship with her family. I wanted to like this more than I did, but it was still a solid read.

This book is so thoughtful, loving, and forgiving that I just wept at the end. No one's family is perfect and Carmen Rita Wong's search for the unspoken reasons her family has the flaws, quirks and supreme gifts it has was a blessing to follow. There is a lot to learn here, and it presented in a thoughtful, kind way.

Wong's story hit close to home in many respects for me: interrogating one's racial identity, appreciating a mixed heritage, being an older sister, managing family expectations and cultural dynamics, dealing with trauma, striving to assert oneself as a woman through education and work; living in different Latin American countries and contrasting their idiosyncrasies, and more. I don't often encounter non-fiction books at the intersection of these topics, so I appreciate that this story was written and is being published (with a striking cover as well). Although it was not the main focal point, I found her relationship with her brother especially moving. It personally carried me through the book.

Perhaps precisely because I could relate to her story, I was a demanding reader. While having a confident tone, I found this memoir to be too simple in its execution. It is written very straightforwardly, almost as if the story just poured out in written form and was only lightly revised afterward. At times it contents itself with tackling big ideas too plainly, almost superficially. I itched for more nuance, particularly regarding machismo and classism in Latin American societies, or more depth when exploring the challenges of upholding feminist ideals in certain professional contexts. Some ideas appear not fully developed, and a few storylines are deliberately avoided or cut short. I ultimately expected my reading experience to be more profound or challenging.

Still, I enjoyed this memoir and believe it is worthwhile.

4.5 Stars ( I received an e-arc from Net Galley in exchange for an honest review)
*trigger warning for slight child abuse, racism and a narcissistic parent

Patting myself on the back for finishing an arc (non-fiction no less!) before release date. This was a very compulsive read and you get to see a wide variety of cultures, through relatives and close friends over the course of the author’s life. In a way NYC is where we start off with her Chinese father, Dominican mother, older brother Alex and Carmen herself. Here is where they have access to both cultures, with flavourful foods and learning Spanish. The freedom to go anywhere and show off their authentic selves and be proud of their culture. Then her mother does eventually separate from her father and then remarries a white man. Then the kids are uprooted to a small predominately white town, where there is rampant racism, bland food, no access to family/culture and isolation. From there is goes through her life and slowly realizes that who she thought was her father might not be the case. Along with her career journey we also follow her constant struggle with her heritage, as well as we get to get to see how DNA identification evolves. The connection between Carmen and Alex is such a fierce and heartwarming sibling relationship. Their parts were always my favourite to read and was honestly’s Carmen least complicated and least toxic relationship. Such a good read and I highly recommend.

Difficult to rate this one without giving away spoilers. But, I like how the central mystery in this memoir unfolded with small steps along the way. A well-written, compelling page-turner.

A fun and also heartbreaking book by a celebrated public figure told in sharp, vivid prose. Full of wonderful and interesting details.

Thanks Netgalley for allowing me to read this book. Carmen loved her family but felt something was missing. When her mom married Marty she looked up to him as a father figure. Many years later Carmen learned of a secret her mom had been hiding for years. This book was an emotional read.

Thank you to NetGalley for this ARC!

Carmen Rita Wong shared a contentious relationship with her family complicated by racism, sexism and an enduring mystery of paternity. While I was immediately drawn into the story and the secrets within I found the middle of the book lacking depth. However, answers led to more questions that had me racing to finish. 3.5 stars.

wong has an extremely sharp voice that’s pretty uncommon in the memoir genre and i really loved that
i enjoyed how fast-paced this book is and the way each chapter unfolded like a small answer to the books big question
but the book as a whole feels just not fully complete?? the ending chapters really left something missing for me and the way wong would stop detailing certain events really cut my interest
still a very interesting read

Author Carmen Rita Wong takes us along with her to find unanswered questions in her family history. “Why Didn’t You Tell Me? Is a true story that encompasses love, skeletons in the closet, courage and tenacity of the Author Carmen Rita Wong and her brother Alex to create a better life for their future and their families.