What a strange and unexpected book! SELF-PORTRAIT WITH NOTHING has been on my TBR for a few years now, and I'm glad I picked it up because it was not at all what I expected. Any fans of art, sci-fi and multiverses should def give this one a go.

Pepper has been raised by two Moms, both vets, after she was left on their doorstep as a baby. She has recently discovered that her biological Mom is a world-renowned and reclusive artist named Ula. Ula is a strange lady, because it's rumored that when she paints a portrait of something, a doppelganger from another universe will appear. (That comes out of nowhere, I know!) Even more troubling, she has gone missing and now lots of people are showing up at Pepper's doorstep wanting different things from her as secrets slowly get revealed.

This isn't the best written book I've ever read - the pacing is a little all over the place and the plot can sometimes be hard to follow. I also hated the dynamic between Pepper and her husband Ike, But overall, I enjoyed being surprised at the many twists and turns and felt it was a worthwhile read in the end.

The title and cover of the book are what got my attention. The premise sounded interesting, but once I really got into the book I knew it was not something I really wanted to read. The whole multiverse thing went way over my head, and a lot of the book really had to do with that.

Sadly I did not even crack this book open until May 2024, which is well after it was published. On the plus side, the story is well written and entertaining. I had to switch to the audiobook as listening to it was easier than reading it due to my lack of comprehension.

gorgeous premise but the writing isn't quite there to make it sing. i'll always check out a light speculative novel but it's not quite cohesive enough

The synopsis was doubtless intriguing that is why I picked up the book. However, I feel that this book failed to stand up to its promises.

Even though the starting of the book was slow, it was setting up for something big. Pepper’s mother, Ula, is a huge artist with a cult following, although quite mysterious. Her mother is reported missing in the start of the book and Pepper has never met Ula in her life. Suddenly she is bombarded with lawyers and people trying to threaten her to get Ula’s paintings. Pepper goes on a quest to find Ula and find out what happened to her.

I felt this book was slow paced for the most part. I was hooked to the story halfway through the book because I wanted to know what happened to Ula and then I started losing my interest because I felt like nothing was happening and the plot was not progressing. When it was slow, it was really slow and then it got fast paced real quick. Overall, the pacing didn’t feel consistent.

This is a genre bending book and the author tried to achieve a lot in a less time. There were elements of mystery, family drama and sci fi. Also, the sci fi bits were not explained properly. It deals with multiverses which is an immense concept in itself and it was not explained clearly. Even though we get some kind of idea about what’s happening, still I was little confused towards the second half of the book.

This book was more character driven than plot driven. Ula was the dominant character in the book even though she was missing. Pepper was the protagonist but she did not feel like a main character. She did not feel three dimensional and I did not have feeling towards her. However, in the second half of the book when Ula comes to the picture, I felt so underwhelmed by her. I did not like Ula at all.

Also, I thought things were too convenient for Pepper. She is on a quest to find Ula and ended up in Poland and she’d get information from people without any obstacle or find things were already waiting for her. It felt very convenient.

One more tiny gripe I had with this book was that the phrase “in another universe . . .” was repeated so many times. It got honestly annoying after the first 50 times. One more thing, mild spoilers ahead: so, Pepper is in the middle of a heist and she is texting with her husband. I am sorry but that made no sense. No wonder she got caught.

Overall, I think this book had an amazing concept but somewhere the author failed in the execution. I’d still recommend this book if you are new into the sci fi genre or if you like to read about books dealing with paintings.

Meh, this didn’t really impress me. The story was kind of meh, the main characters weren’t great, and I felt no connection to the story.

Self-Portrait with Nothing is the debut novel by author Aimee Pokwatka. The novel is described by its promotional material as Orphan Black meets Fringe, and well - the story features the possibility of alternate worlds and different versions of ones self, so you can see where that comparison comes from. And there's a significant part of this book that serves as a thriller, as protagonist Pepper finds herself searching for the biological mother she never knew who has gone missing....a mother who is also a famous painter whose portraits are said to bring over the alternate self of its subjects from a parallel universe. Yet at the same time, there's another significant side of this book which is more introspective, as Pepper wonders about the other possible ways her life could have gone, about choices she and others didn't make, and whether what she has now is really the best possible life for her.

And that introspective story, along with the character relationships that underpin it, is what makes Self-Portrait with Nothing really really good. Pepper's struggles with who she is and what she wants (she's probably also neurodivergent, even if she's entirely functional) is really easy to understand and care about. And then there's her relationship with her husband, expressed largely in this book through texts back and forth, which showcase a loving if not perfect relationship, where the two people involved are trying their best even as they may struggle. The thriller aspects of things here sometimes doesn't really add up if you think too hard about it, but Self-Portrait With Nothing manages to be a fascinating and excellent book even despite that.




-----------------------------------------------------Plot Summary-----------------------------------------------------
Pepper Rafferty was abandoned as a baby on the front porch of her two mothers, a pair of local veterinarians. She grew up well loved, and at age 36 is a forensic anthropology professor at a local Connecticut university, studying bones and other skeletal remains with the help of some masters students and occasionally serves as an expert witness for the local police. Her mothers are close by and she even has a loving husband in Ike, a history professor who studies the history of sexuality largely through the reading of old journals and diaries and who amuses both of them through the sharing of tidbits from his subjects' lives. She should be happy in her life, without question.

But whe Pepper was 15, she discovered - without her mothers' knowledge - the identity of the woman who birthed her and abandoned her: Uma Frost, a famous painter from their town who is known not just for being talented, mysterious, and reclusive, but also for painting portraits that are seemingly magical. Specifically, the portraits are said to bring forth alternate versions of their subjects - from parallel worlds - into our world, and are claimed to have drastically changed the lives of those who have served as the models for these portraits. Pepper often wonders about these parallel worlds - and more specifically about parallel versions of herself: did any of them make different choices and come out braver, smarter, more successful, or somehow hapier than she is? What would some of those other Peppers truly be like?

But when Uma Frost is reported as missing, Pepper's secret comes to the forefront - as Pepper is revealed as Uma's heir and sketchy individuals - greedy corporate raiders and art critics - come out of the woodwork to try to get their hands on Frost's works. Soon Pepper will find herself on a quest to find her mother, any version of her, to really discover who this Pepper - in this universe - really is and who she could be....
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So just getting this out of the way up front, there is a significant part of Self-Portrait With Nothing that is essentially a thriller: Pepper finds herself journeying to foreign countries in search of her mother and her paintings, even as greedy dangerous men come after her in hopes of getting those paintings themselves first: or even better, getting Uma herself. That plotline starts in the first act as Pepper winds up being seemingly chased by the goonish Everett Group of rich men wanting something from Uma's art, and then shifts in the second and third acts to something kind of different as Pepper gets to know and interact with Uma in ways that she could never expect (again, the Fringe/Orphan Black comparisons come into play here). And well this plotline is fine if you don't think about it too much - there's never really that much on the line and how the antagonist shifts from the first and second act to the final act doesn't really make sense if you think about it too hard (for example, the first main antagonist just kind of goes away for no reason and is assumed to be dealt with because they no longer fit into the plot). But the thriller never really is that compelling on its own, which is why its fortunate that it's the least important part of this book.

No, what's most important is Pepper's character, the relationships she has with her husband, her adopted family, and the biological mother she never knew in Uma (as well as others she meets along the way, particularly in part 2 of this book), and how Pepper is constantly wondering about other possibilities and parallel choices that she did not take. As I mentioned above the jump, there's certainly a part of Pepper that might be considered autistic or neurodiverse, in how she struggles with how to talk to people sometimes and how to deal with strange situations and constantly finds her mind racing over possibilities and other issues - she's not exactly strong on personal skills. That said, she's found a niche in which she's functional - working as a forensic anthropologist studying bones - and a relationship that's supportive, so much of her struggles here comes from the storyline knocking her out of that niche more than anything, which sets her into fascinating wondering about alternate versions of herself and who exactly she can be.

And the book's exploration of that through Pepper and others is really really well done, even as she does come to the safest conclusion: that the Pepper of this world is the one who she wants to be the most of anything. We see that in part through her adventures and the issues she encounters with parallel people, through the conflict between her and her far more selfish and unsupported mother - a mother who didn't have anyone else and as such couldn't stop wondering about other possibilities...to her own detriment, unlike Pepper. And we see that mostly through the relationship she has with her husband Ike, which largely takes place through text messages. And it's a relationship that is done tremendously well and feels so real: Ike's nerdy and quirky and that quirkiness is what draws the two of them together, but he's also a real person who can be hurt when his wife keeps secrets like her real parentage, and can behave hurt as a result...but also still loves her and can try to entertain her with asides about the diaries he's studying about long dead persons' sexual experiences and sexualities. Pepper struggles when Ike is hurt with worry and wondering that she made a wrong choice, and that some other Pepper made a right choice that did not result in marrying Ike, but you can see through the book and Pepper finds out through her experiences, how that worry is unfounded. It's a phenomenal relationship which carries the book and its themes.

It's really hard to talk more about this book without spoiling, and I'm not going to go any farther for fear of doing that, because I think it's better to go into this book unwarned. The result is fascinating and well worth your time.

This was a very interesting read. I loved the concept and thought that it was very original. I thought the title and cover also complimented the story beautiful. I enjoyed the writing and the characters were really well done.

The premise of Self-Portrait with Nothing sounded so intriguing but I felt let down by the execution. I was expecting Oscar Wilde's [book:The Picture of Dorian Gray|5297] crossed with Elizabeth Hand's [book:Mortal Love|102883]. When it's paintings, artists and speculative fiction, I expect the writing and plot to be labyrinthine, sinuous and rich like dark chocolate.

It's been roughly half a year since I last picked up this ARC so I'll just summarize some of the points. Pepper is supposed to be a forensic anthropologist yet she falls into pieces every time her birth mother Ulna is mentioned. She has known for quite a long time that she was adopted. Her adopted mothers are probably the best parts of the novel, grounded and supportive. I felt disappointed with the writing, it was straightforward. Pepper's husband, Ike, predictably blames Pepper whenever she is encountering a crisis for not confiding her secrets with him sooner. Jeez, I wonder why. The text messages between them with abbreviations and lack of punctuation annoy me. To me, they do not exhibit Ike's intellect or knowledge base. The Scandinavian villains that pop up regular as clockwork are two-dimensional. They dress in nice suits and make polite menacing threats.

As to the twist of the metaphysical mystery, the author laid out enough blatant clues for the answer. This is the section where I bailed (around 72%). I just don't like an amateur detective like Pepper bumbling around Europe, letting the journalist tag along to witness her personal drama when she knows he has ulterior motives. When she is prevented numerous times from leaving Poland due to nefarious forces, it became almost like a joke although I'm sure the author didn't intend it that way. Alternate universes is of course not a new concept but how one plays with the concept can be. This was a late stage DNF for me but I couldn't summon enough enthusiasm to continue. 2.5 ⭐️

Apologies for the tardiness of the review and thanks to Macmillan-Tor and Netgalley for providing an eARC in exchange for an honest review.

Self Portrait with Nothing is a very creative, eye-opening book where an artist has the unique power to bring versions of her subject from alternate realities into their world. This naturally causes tons of problems for both versions of the subjects and makes the painter an extreme recluse -- who only communicates with one handler to arrange the work, and the subject on the day of. When the handler doesn't hear from her, she is missing and presumed dead, which brings our narrator into play - who finds out the painter is her birth mother and she may have an inheritance if in fact the artist is dead.

While coping with this strange and murky legacy, the narrator goes off in search of the artist and some of her legendary paintings, tracking any lead she can while also learning more about herself, her adoptive mothers, and some of the people who frequent their veterinary clinic.

What she finds along the way about the experiences of the paintings and the ramifications for our world are creative, disturbing, and of course lead to all the what ifs -- like Everything, Everywhere All at Once -- what small decisions or circumstances could send your life on a wildly different trajectory, and what about "you" is inherent or shaped by those circumstances and decisions.

"A bloat of hippos, a parliament of owls. What was the appropriate collective noun for an assembly of mothers you never wanted to meet?”

Self-Portrait with Nothing was both not what I was expecting and everything I hoped for. The plot was full of dead ends and misdirection, a little bit of foreshadowing, and a lot of room for reflection, frustration and despair. Pepper offered a complicated, nuanced narrative voice—I can't say I loved her, but she was certainly relatable in moments. The relationship between Pepper and her husband, too, was fraught but riddled with small joys; it felt just weird enough to be authentic, with all their quirks and unsaid words.

However, I wasn't wholly absorbed by the unspooling of Ula's story. I found the premise of painting a pathway into a different universe to be gripping in concept, but the execution was a little messy, and the lack of explanation (of the mechanics of the magic) left me a little irked. The Ulas themselves were also exceedingly difficult to keep track of (part of the point, I'm sure), but some differences between the ARC and the finished copy straightened out the more tangled threads.

I think Aimee Pokwatka would find a strong audience with fans of Oona Out of Order, This Time Tomorrow, or the Ten Thousand Doors of January. The threshold between mystery, art heist and magical realism is a fun place to be.

i was so so excited to read this but had to DNF about 20% in. it just didn't grab me. the relationships and the plot weren't as fascinating as i had expected from the summary, and life's just too short to trudge through it.

Thanks to Netgalley for an ARC of this book. CONTENT WARNING: Vivid descriptions of animal injuries and one of euthanasia that made me cry and flash back to my own dog, which made me cry more. After a particularly vivid description of an injury, I almost stopped reading.

The book is narrated in third person from the POV of Pepper, the heroine of the book. Pepper is analytic and very well-educated, but socially awkward. One of the things I liked best about the writing was the descriptions of everyday life, the things that kept Pepper anchored to reality. With her constant speculation about what she’d be doing in another universe, or another, or yet another, the reader comes to sympathize with Pepper’s longing to be what she’s meant to be and do what she’s meant to do, without knowing what any of that is. The amazing thing to me is that the author was able to take a confusing concept and describe it in such a way that it became not only simple to understand but also accepted as truth.

It’s incredibly well-written and presents a compelling depiction of a woman unsure of herself and her place in the world, unwilling or unable to express herself, and always on the verge of expecting people to leave her. Her abandonment issues, caused by a mother who abandoned her at birth, drive her to push away everyone she cares about, especially her husband Ike. At one point, Pepper thinks to herself, “There were only so many times you could push someone before they moved fully out of your way.”

Without spoiling anything, I feel I can say that when Pepper meets Ula, her birth mother, she discovers the woman is just as self-centered and unbearable as she always imagined she’d be—even though a small part of her had hoped she’d be wrong. In fact, Pepper harbored this fantasy that Ula loved her from afar and wanted nothing more than to be a true mother to her. Faced with the real Ula, she realizes nothing could be further from the truth and she’s angry. “Ula was a liar, but Pepper knew the real reason for her anger wasn’t that she wanted Ula’s honesty. She was angry at herself for wanting the lie to be true.”

Pepper is analytic and very well-educated, but socially awkward. One of the things I liked best about the writing was the descriptions of everyday life, the things that kept Pepper anchored to reality. With her constant speculation about what she’d be doing in another universe, or another, or yet another, the reader comes to sympathize with Pepper’s longing to be what she’s meant to be and do what she’s meant to do, without knowing what any of that is. The amazing thing to me is that the author was able to take a confusing concept and describe it in such a way that it became not only simple to understand but also accepted as truth.

Some of the descriptions/observations were so real, I had to shake my head in recognition of the silly things so many of us do. “Scott had sent her an email that she’d deleted immediately but kept rereading from her trash folder.” Further along in the story, Pepper is hit with a lot of information and it’s difficult for her to assimilate all of it—as it would be for anyone. When meeting someone new who tells her yet another thing she doesn’t know, the woman observes that she seems like the kind of person to roll with the punches. “Pepper felt as though all of the punches were landing and she wasn’t rolling with them at all.”

I have to admit I have two complaints (aside from the content warning I mentioned earlier). In chapter one, we are introduced to a detective by the name of Jamie Marchand. We’re led to believe he’ll be an important character in the plot, but after his initial investigation, he’s not very involved in the story. He’s coincidentally acquainted with Pepper because she helps with forensic work needed for his investigations. But he doesn’t reappear again after chapter four, and his relevance to the overall plot is questionable. My second complaint has to do with the way text messages were presented. It alternated between normal print and italics, but I often found myself trying to figure out who was talking, Pepper or Ike. I think it would have been simple enough to preface each text with ME: and IKE: to indicate the texter of the subsequent message. For me, at any rate, it would have saved a lot of confusion.

Overall, I think it’s a fantastic book and I highly recommend it.

Thanks to Netgalley and the publisher I was able to read this book in exchange for an honest review.
***
This story was a ride.
Pepper Rafferty was abandoned as a baby on the porch of the local veterinarian’s home and raised in a loving home. Now, as a woman in her mid-30s Pepper has an interesting job and is married to solid, dependable Ike. Pepper has a secret though, when she was 15 she learned her mother was the eccentric Ula Frost, a famed artist whose work is claimed to have something to do with parallel universes. She has carried this knowledge with her ever since and can’t stop thinking about all the universes and the kind of person she could be in them, the different kinds of lives she could of had if one choice over another was made. It has shaped her dreams and fantasies, but not so much her reality. When Ula goes missing Pepper gets dragged into the mystery of her birth mother and her art, and as it turns out the rumors might not be so wild after all.
***
I enjoyed this story a lot, for all the weird behind it it was a solid read about family and self. Pepper was kind of a disaster but I enjoyed that about her, not everyone getting thrown into a bizarre situation is going to turn into a badass that has all the answers so her fumbling and struggling worked for me.

Unfortunately, this book fell a little short for me. I was extremely intrigued and excited by its concept, and the part I was most excited about - how art can transcend multiverses - was the part of least focal point in the story. Instead, the book is more of an action/mystery/thriller mash-up rather than the magical realism I was looking forward to. One thing I did enjoy though was that the author never explicitly says what Ula's art is capable of, and it is instead revealed slowly over the course of the first third of the book. While the story tied up most loose ends in the end (although a bit rushed), I was still left without feeling any closure. Overall, 3.5 stars and a fun read!

Thanks to NetGalley for providing me with an eARC in exchange for a fair and honest review.

3.5-4 stars

Self-Portrait with Nothing is an exploration of the complexities of family and the possibilities of the multiverse. The book follows Pepper, a scientist who was adopted as a child and never knew her birth mother. However, when her mother seemingly turns up dead, Pepper embarks on a journey to uncover the truth about her mother's identity and the mysterious claims surrounding her paintings. With elements of mystery and science fiction, the book delves into the concept of a multiverse, inviting readers to consider the potential for parallel universes and the influence they may have on our lives. While the mystery at the heart of the story is intriguing, the book ultimately falls short emotionally and scientifically, leaving me with a sense of unfulfilled potential.

Note: this review was written by me but modified by the openAI chatbot to improve it.

This book was really interesting! I was intrigued by the storyline and that's what initially drew me to this title. I also really love the cover artwork.

The premise of this novel immediately drew me in—an elusive artist whose paintings could bring forth a version of you from another universe disappears, and her daughter has to find her. As the story goes on, it only gets more and more intriguing and thrilling. But even as the tension ratchets up, Pokwatka's writing remains contemplative and constantly questions the boundaries of reality. This novel is a great literary thriller, a type of novel that is often hard to find.

What grounds the story and keeps it from becoming too esoteric is Pepper, the main character, who we follow as she embarks on a wild goose chase to track down her biological mother and get the answers she has always wondered about. While I found Pepper's indecisiveness and lack of communication frustrating at times, her voice is so relatable and full of wonder that I came to love her by the end of the novel. She constantly dreams of other worlds to calm herself, and it was fascinating to watch her come face to face with her dreams, only to realize that her reality is more than enough.

This novel explores the mythic, transformative powers of art—quite literally. I think the magic and absurdity in the story allows concepts to be examined more deeply. Specifically, ideas about ownership, power, privacy, celebrity, the boundaries of the self, and identity are brought to the forefront of this frantic, yet thoughtful, story. While a lot of the story is tangled up in the art world, I think it is also a beautiful exploration of family, love, and misplaced expectations. Even if you're not that into books about art, I think this story has a bit of something for everyone.

Also, there are some delightful sections of text messages between Pepper and her husband, and I absolutely adored them. They flowed beautifully with the narrative, and helped it feel complete.

This novel is truly unlike anything I've read, and I absolutely loved it. It's definitely one of my favorite novels of the year, and I can't wait to see what Pokwatka writes in the future.

DNF @45%

What I realized while reading this novel was that I am not in a good place to read it, so I am DNF-ing for now. I hope to come back to it once my mental health is better. I did not feel a connection to the lead much at all, and then, when life came to hit me upside the head, I felt no inkling to come back to this book. It felt like a chore, and no book should ever receive that feeling from its reader. Plus, while the synopsis was phenomenal and drew me in, the execution of at least the first 45% felt lackluster and honestly average.

I'm giving it a three star as a sorta neutral rating due to my DNF.

I wanted to like this but I could not get into the story or the characters. I felt that it was pretty far fetched and not something I could connect to.

the slightly detached tone that is employed in this novel should appeal to me as i am a fan of this cold type of prose however here it just didn't work for me as a reader.