I’ve always felt that visual art should make you feel something first, and secondarily aspire to teach, satirize, or otherwise comment on life. Where that feeling falls on the aesthetic spectrum doesn’t bother me as much—disgust can be a fascinating emotion, just as awe or beauty can—but we have to care before we want to stick around to figure out why we care. It’s a good thing, then, that I cared a lot about Aimee Pokwatka’s protagonist Pepper from the very first. Capable, sensitive, and smart, Pepper is nonetheless plagued by self-doubt arising from the strange circumstances of her birth and adoption. Though Self-Portrait with Nothing is set firmly in the modern day, Pepper was left like a fairytale foundling on her mothers’ doorstep, the only clue to her identity a mysterious coin left alongside her.

Pepper, however, is not the teen heir to a magic kingdom. She’s a professional woman in her 30s working as a forensic anthropologist, and she’s had plenty of time to figure out who her birth mother might be. So when reporters and lawyers start turning up, she’s not surprised when they inform her that her mother is Ula Frost, the famous painter. Ula is an enigmatic force in the art world, commanding exorbitant prices for her portraiture from exclusive clients but otherwise an obsessively private individual. So no one’s quite sure—is Ula Frost dead? Is she missing? Is she just…elsewhere? Pepper stands to inherit both a lot of money and a lot of problems if Ula is gone, and so she sets off to unravel the mystery of Ula, which she both hopes and fears will also be the mystery of who she is—and maybe who she was supposed to be.

Self-Portrait with Nothing isn’t shy about advancing a multiple worlds theory; it’s barely a spoiler. What’s interesting is where the book goes after that, how it pushes the concept into new and interesting spaces. Pokwatka is interested in how individuals would function in a multiverse, how they could begin to see the shapes their lives could take and understand how choices affect outcomes. It’s a nuanced psychological exploration, and it dovetails nicely with the meditations on how art gives us the tools to examine—and sometimes imagine our way out of—our lives, making tangible what sometimes feels hopelessly tangled.

Everything in this book is complex, in a very good way. Pokwatka doesn’t shy from the intricate feelings of adoptees toward their adoptive and biological parents, but doesn’t judge her characters. Likewise, Pepper and her husband have a good, solid marriage, but it isn’t without challenges. The conflicts are character-driven, and the resultant drama feels very realistic for an established couple. Pepper doesn’t need any extra drama, after all. Ula is plenty on her own.

The book itself is functions as a fascinating portrait of Ula Frost, taken at an oblique angle. It’s a bit like A Bar at the Folies-Bergère: the perspective seems head-on but is actually at an angle, and the portrait is more complete than most, providing us with front and back views of the subject—albeit in two parts, divided by the mirror. You don’t have to be an artist or an art historian to fall in love with this book, though; the characters and situations require only feeling, not knowledge. And oh, what a feeling to see Ula reflected through so many perspectives, but remain essentially unknowable. We see her in vivid parts, but we never get her first-person POV, which is definitely the right choice for the novel. She remains ambiguous, almost a villain. Pokwatka never lets her justify herself, because there is no justification for the way she treats Pepper and others. There are only excuses.

Pokwatka clearly doesn’t like Ula—most people, maybe even including Ula, don’t like Ula—but there’s no doubt she’s a compelling character. Her relentless self-interest is not exactly revolutionary—many artists are, or are portrayed as, narcissistic and bonkers—but Pokwatka isn’t asking the normal questions about what artists must do for the sake of their art—the perennial debate of whether suffering is the necessary foundation for genius. Instead, she asks what the toll of art is on others, and whether that can ever be worth it. Who does art serve, in the end? The artist? The viewer? Itself?

While pursuing her mother across borders and through various questionable activities, Pepper has to come to grips with what art can and cannot do for her just as she has to grapple with what her birth mother can and cannot give her. Given the urgency of the mystery, Pokwatka has a remarkable ability to give Pepper the breathing room to reflect while not letting the action falter. Part of this has to do with Pokwatka’s narrative approach. When Pepper is tired, Pokwatka gives us impressionistic portrait “sketches” of what she sees, the people passing on the street and the salient details of their expressions or outfits. It’s a very effective way to establish scene and mood while also functioning as an ongoing nod to the visual art world, a world (and worldview) that Pepper shares with her biological mother whether she likes it or not. Pokwatka is clever but not smug about this technique, never calling too much attention to it, and it works like a charm.

Pepper’s journey made for a compelling, compulsive read with a surprisingly deep story that lingered long after I finished. Self-Portrait with Nothing is a rich, layered composition with many themes and a strong central focus, full of imagery you won’t soon forget.

I received an ARC of this book in exchange for an honest review.
Not my cup of tea. The first part is tedious, full of musings, internal conflict and lists. The second part turns sci-fi (sorta) and is still filled with lists, surrounded by a rush of convoluted action. The whole thing is weird and Im not at all sure why I finished it.

I loved the idea of this book — a painter’s works can bring the subjects from other worlds into this one — but I found that the story didn’t live up to its premise for me. The artist’s daughter is searching for her for a big chunk of the book, and it felt like it wanted to be a mystery about where she went, but the pace didn’t serve to keep me interested throughout the first half. And I enjoyed the reflective nature of “are we better off in this world/should we even ask ourselves that question?” but it did feel like that could have been grounded more.

i’m upset that this book is advertised as “orphan black meets the fringe”, as it certainly doesn’t feature any element that made me remind of any of those things. i thought the exploration of parallel universes would be palpable but it went on a completely inwards route.

Interesting idea but has poor execution.

Pepper was abandoned as a child to be raised by a lesbian couple. She grows up to become a forensic anthropologist. The hitch of the story is when it's revealed she knows the identity of her birth mother who's a famous but reclusive painter.

Like said before, interesting concept but I found the pacing inconsistent, going between slow and rushed without pause. However, it's not a terrible story though it definitely could've been better.

As an infant, Pepper Rafferty was left in a dog bed on the porch of two veterinarians. The women raised her in a loving home, and now at 36, she has a satisfying career as an anthropologist who analyzes bones. She’s married to Ike, a kind and solid man.

Pepper found out as a teenager the identity of her biological mother, but she never told anyone. Her birth mother is Ula Frost, a famous (and notoriously reclusive) artist. People who had her paint their portraits have made wild claims that those paintings summon their selves from parallel universes. Even though thousands of people had written her letters begging to have her paint them, many of those who succeeded then went on to regret having done so.

Now Ula Frost is missing. She hasn’t been seen in ages, but she does check in by phone with an assistant, and he says he hasn’t heard from her in three weeks. Ula’s disappearance sets in motion a chain of events that take Pepper on a search for her.

As Pepper travels from place to place, she learns a bit at a time about the infamous portraits and the artist. The search also gives her time to contemplate her life and who she is. In another universe, would she have been raised by Ula? Would she have married Ike? Would she be more confident in her life, more forthcoming with her husband?

When she does find what she thinks she’s looking for, the story (and her expectations) go farther afield. Up until then, the plot doesn’t include much of the fantasy/science fiction element except for people’s claims. But then it does a deep dive into it, and things get strange.

Self–Portrait with Nothing is on its face, or is billed as, a (literary) science fiction book about parallel universes, which I always find fascinating. The theory can be used as the basis for all kinds of books that go in all kinds of directions. But the science angle is mostly a hook on which to hang the main character’s ruminations on her life. It’s introspective and philosophical overall, though it has elements of sci-fi and danger/thrills. It was interesting but not quite what I was expecting.

I hate surprises except when I read. When I read, I love to have NO GODLY IDEA where the book is heading.

I will check out a book to see if people whose taste match mine like it, but then once I decide, I go in blind. I don’t read the blurb, avoid all reviews and posts, and just read. I want to see the story unfold as the author intended, not as the community experienced it.

I had no idea where SELF-PORTRAIT WITH NOTHING was headed. Similar to MY DIRTY CALIFORNIA, it could have been sci-fi (parallel universes) or unreliable narrator (mental illness).

I’m delighted to say it worked. I enjoyed the unique story about Pepper, an adopted daughter searching for her famous mother, who has mysteriously disappeared. Complicating matters are a couple of powerful henchmen who want to find her, too. You see, Ula Frost isn’t just a painter. Rumor is when she paints a subject, she pulls their double to this universe from an alternate one.

Or does she?

I listened to the ALC and wasn't a big fan of the narrator's "male" voice, but otherwise, it was a solid delivery.

3.5, rounded up. Based on the marketing, I expected this to have more horror elements, but the concept (which I won't spoil here) is innovative and has a sci-fi bent. (Think: twist on alternate universes.) Even though the attempts at genre-mixing fall flat at times, the narrative is strong enough that I was able to finish this in a day. Pepper's relationship with her husband Ike is sweet and relatable, and even though the format of their texts drove me nuts, their conversations add some levity to the plot. The ending is flat and disappointing, but it doesn't ruin the rest of the book.

Thanks to Netgalley and Tor for the e-ARC in exchange for an honest review!

First of all, Ike and Pepper's entire relationship makes me need to bite something in a good way. The way that the fragile intimacy of their text conversations were written, the way that everything with them captured the expeirence of being frustrated with someone that you love... anything and everything with them just skewered me right through the heart in the best way. It felt so so potent and /real/ and grounded the book in a way that gave it genuine heart.

Like the thing is that the concept of the book is interesting, and the execution is decent, but it's the emotional toll of the plot that really strikes home, and seeing Pepper reel from it and consider her relationship to Ike in relation to the strange events around her is what gave it all a soul and again, I am so delighted by how funny and sweet and a little awkward and sad they could be at times. I had a lovely time reading this and I can't wait to read other things!

Self-Portrait With Nothing, by Aimee Pokwatka, uses the theory of parallel universes to explore relationships, self-doubt, abandonment, and the search for happiness.

The disappearance of Pepper’s birth mother, Ula Frost, sends her on an international journey full of mysteries, riddles, and danger. Ula is a famous painter, and her clients claim that she has the ability to reach other universes through her art.

As a scientist, Pepper doesn’t believe in the existence of parallel universes, but that doesn’t stop her from thinking, “What if?” She constantly doubts herself and imagines other Peppers who make different choices and live happier lives.

Prospective readers should not mistake this novel for science fiction. It is a missing-person mystery combined with a bit of fantasy. Pokwatka’s focus on the themes of self-actualization, the trials of marriage, and mother-daughter relationships create a rich and accessible story.

The reflective nature of the novel will likely appeal to fans of literary fiction. There is also enough plot progression and intrigue to interest mystery readers. It’s perfect for those, like me, who enjoy genre mashups and are always looking for something slightly unusual.

Thank you to Macmillan-Tor/Forge, tordotcom, and NetGalley for providing access to this eARC.

There were two lines that kept popping up in my head while reading this book. One from Shakespheare and one from Taylor Swift, of all people.

“There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”

And…

“I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs…”

I know. Weird, right? The Bard schooling one of his characters about how there are things beyond the understanding of an educated mind, and T Swift talking about a past love she can’t get out of her head.

“Self-Portrait With Nothing” is a brilliant, quirky, and mind-bending book. You might see it advertised as sci-fi/fantasy, but I wouldn’t take it that far. I firmly believe this book remains rooted in the literary traditions of magical realism and speculative fiction among the likes of Marquez, Kafka, and Borges. When it’s not busy being magical realism, it’s busy being a stupendous, fever-dream mystery chase through continental Europe that’s filled with suspense, drama, violence, and a whole lot of mind-bending emotional breakdowns. Oh, and add in a legitimate art collecting group who gets really mad and is not above the unaliving if you don’t give them what they want on the down low. Don’t forget those guys.

This book crams a whole lot of plot, events, and characters into one book and yet at no time does this book feel crowded or rushed in any way. I have a feeling this is due to the naturally fast pacing that comes with the story: while at the start of the book there doesn’t seem to be a major timeline attached to the book’s events, once our main character (Pepper) decides to leave for Europe time is a matter of the essence for a great many reasons, and though Pepper’s priorities shift multiple times during the book, that notion of hurry hurry hurry never abates. Since Pepper goes through so much and meets so many people in the process, the abundance of events and characters doesn’t feel out of place because it all just comes part and parcel with her mad dash through Great Britain, Germany, and Poland.

Anyone who’s ever spent a great deal of their life wondering about all the what-ifs in their life, or wondering what their life might be in a parallel universe or dimension is going to relate to Pepper and her life. A physical anthropologist married to a historian, Pepper has pondered her dichotomous life since she was a teenager: the life she lives now (where she was adopted by her moms) and a life where her biological mom (an infamous painter) hadn’t given her up for adoption. This study in dichotomy influences every aspect of Pepper’s adult life: she wonders constantly about what she’s doing and what choices she’s making in other universes. It has caused her to become too good at keeping secrets, avoiding situations, and bottling emotions. Pepper’s emotional development throughout this book was one of my favorite aspects of it: to see her carry so much weight, keep so many secrets, avoid so many situations, and bottle so much… but everyone has a breaking point. And that reminds me of a quote from “The Martian”:

“At some point, everything's gonna go south on you... everything's going to go south and you're going to say, this is it. This is how I end. Now you can either accept that, or you can get to work.”

I love magical realism, and this book tells a vibrant but pensive tale of art, narcissism, possessiveness, hypotheticals, pain, and selfishness at a roller coaster pace but with evocative imagery and impeccable prose. Definitely something to add to your TBR.

Thanks to NetGalley and Tordotcom for granting me access to this title in exchange for a fair and honest review.

File Under: Magical Realism/Speculative Fiction/Literary Fiction/Mystery/Suspense Novel

I was SO excited for this one. I love the idea of parallel universes and when the blurb says "Sometimes living our best life means embracing the imperfect one we already have…" I wanted to be shown WHY that is through point of views instead of just telling me that X and Y's lives are worse in a few sentences. It did not scratch the parallel universe itch I had and that was a big factor in my enjoyment of the story.

The book feels like a sci-fi for those regularly intimidated by sci-fi books. It really reads more like a mystery with elements of magical realism, so in a way it could be a nice introduction to someone interested in the genre.

I do love Pepper's character. She is very relatable and I loved her relationship with her two mothers. I did find some of her exchanges with her husband a bit odd since the book earlier on established that they were in a happy and healthy marriage, but parts of the book didn't really show that well.

The pacing is quite slow in the beginning until it picks up about 60% through. I do wish it was better balanced but I was also intrigued enough in the beginning to keep going.

Overall it was enjoyable, I just wish more was done with regards to alternate universes.

Thank you to the team at Tordotcom for the eARC! All opinions my own.

Pepper has never told anyone that she found out that her biological mother is famous portraitist Ula Frost. Now a forensic biologist, Pepper has lived her life entirely without her famous mother. But now that Ula has gone missing, Pepper has been brought into the spotlight as the sole inheritor of Ula's property. And there seems to be more to the rumors of strange things happening to those who Ula paints...

I love an alternate universe story, so after seeing this awesome title I was so excited to read this story. Unfortunately, this one fell flat for me. It takes over halfway through the book for the plot to pick up both in terms of pace and in the speculative element. I nearly DNF'ed this book even though I was reading it for review because it took so long. It didn't feel like the stakes were well defined once the action picked up; I didn't feel like our characters were in danger. The alternate universe idea is not expanded on very much or in an unexpected way. The only thing that was somewhat interesting to me was that the main character has a healthy home life with a loving husband and attentive parents who are still in her life as an adult.

Overall, this was a let down for me. I was waiting for so long to get to the alternate universe payoffs and when it finally came, it didn't go into that in a way I found to be unique or particularly compelling.

It was a slow start for me but it didn't take long until I was gripped!
I honestly didn't know what to expect when I started the book as I didn't really research the author or read the resume. It was yet another kind of complex family story (I seem to end up reading a lot of that at the moment) tinged with some sci fi which I didn't really see coming but actually enjoyed.
I found it a little long in some part of the books, but overall it was a really good read.
The character speaks a lot about who she would be or what she would be doing in another universe which I think really reflects on our humanity and how people can be trapped in the idea of who they should be versus who they are.
Thank you NetGalley for the opportunity to read this book in advance in exchange for an honest review.

I spent this entire book trying to figure out what it was about. I'm still not totally sure, but I know I really enjoyed it.

This is probably the first 'wandering' narrative I've enjoyed in a long time. Of course, it helps that Pepper's inability to focus is due to her self-denial and that she's pretty open about it. It also helps that everything she focuses on instead of what she should be is pretty interesting. Pepper is kind of like Temperance Brennan from Bones, her husband is a historian who reads journals of dead people and spouts the most random information at all times, her adoptive mothers are vets, and her biological mother is an artist who brings doppelgängers from alternate timelines together - was Pokwatka thinking of me when she wrote this? It seems oddly specific to many of my interests...

"but just in case
and with the acknowledgment that i'm bad at words
this universe with us together
definitely my favourite universe
and i love you like a snake loves the sun"

Complex and unique in a way that not many books achieve these days, I could not recommend Self-Portrait with Nothing more highly.

Aimee Pokwatka’s SELF-PORTRAIT WITH NOTHING is a beautiful debut about the people we aren’t and the paths we don’t pursue... Pokwatka’s voices are tantalizing and elusive. Most affecting are Pepper and Ike’s text exchanges as Pepper travels farther and farther away from home: tender and funny and sad, rippling with the subtle inflections and repetitions developed between intimate partners that are very difficult to represent convincingly.

Everything about this book--the cover, the title, the synopsis--was so intriguing and it definitely did NOT disappoint. Aimee Pokwatka's writing is just beautiful and gripping from the very first page, and both the plot and characters are so well-developed. Books about parallel universes can be a hit or miss for me and I hadn't found the one I actually liked.......until Self-Portrait with Nothing. I was in a huge reading slump and this book brought me back to life! It's a yes from me. :)

Pub day: 10-18-2022

The only way to explain how I felt about this book is to say that it was strange but compelling. At the center of this story is the idea of alternate universes existing where our other own selves are living very similar or very different lives. Is it possible to ever meet one of them?

We follow the main character, Pepper, as she embarks on a quest to find answers about her birth mother, a famous artist who has gone missing but who Pepper never met. The beginning of the book was a lot of reflection on Pepper’s relationship with her adoptive mother and her husband, along with a lot of “what-ifs.” I felt frustrated with how much Pepper kept thinking about what an alternate version of herself might be doing or how they might be living a different or better life. But the mystery of finding answers about her birth mom was really good and the journey and discoveries just got more riveting as the story went on.

It took me a few days to get through the first half and then I flew through the last half, it was so gripping!

I did a combo of print and audio. There are a lot of texts between Pepper and her husband which are a little trickier via audio, but it was done well and didn’t bother me at all. The last half will definitely appeal to those who’ve enjoyed books by Blake Crouch!

Thank you Netgalley, Macmillan Audio, & Macmillan-Tor/Forge for the arc & alc in exchange for an honest review!

Self-Portrait with Nothing by Aimee Pokwatka immediately drew me in with its intriguing plot about a notoriously reclusive artist who paints people's parallel lives. The artist, Ula Frost, now in her fifties, has recently gone missing. The story line follows those who know her and we learn more about the mystery that surrounds her. I loved the writing style. The prose is beautiful and literary. The style and story reminded me a little bit of Marisha Pessl who penned the fantastic Night Film some years ago. I listened to the audiobook, which is perfectly narrated by Jesse Vilinsky.

Thank you to the publishers and NetGalley for providing this ebook + audiobook ARC. All thoughts are my own.

This was a really well written, character driven mystery with a scifi/fantasy element that explored the possibility of alternate universes. With fully developed, likeable characters and a well paced plot, it grabbed my interest from the first page, and I never put it down. Highly recommended

Thanks to NetGalley and Tordotcom Publisher for an advanced reading copy.