A lot of books on this subject are either very pro- or very anti- having kids. I appreciate that this took a middle ground, especially as someone who is unsure whether they want to be a parent someday.

This book helped fill a gap in our library’s collection. While there are an abundance of parenting books, I appreciated that this title addresses what comes before, and the nuance that can go into deciding whether or not to have children.

I was not able to finish this book. This says more about me than about the book. I have been struggling with infertility and have book looking for different views on family planning and this was clearly not a fit for me. What I have read the author is very well educated on the subject and is able to share this information in an engaging way. I will be recommending this to friends and family and might be able to revisit it at some later time.

I've never read a parenting book like this. The book doesn't push an agenda and instead trusts that the reader is the expert of their own situation and is just in need of some grounded guidance. I would absolutely recommend this to anyone in need of an insightful, nonjudgmental parenting book.

I appreciated how queer-inclusive and climate-conscious this book was, especially as a queer person who's ambivalent about having children. I did find that some of the personal anecdotes dragged a bit, but overall, I can definitely see myself turning to this book as a resource over the years.

This is one of those questions that gets asked of you at a certain time in your life. Sherronda J. Brown introduced me to the term chrononormativity when I read Refusing Compulsory Sexuality, and that made a lot of things click for me. So When Are You Having Kids?: The Definitive Guide for Those Who Aren't Sure If, When, or How They Want to Become Parents is a practical guide for addressing a very specific aspect of chrononormativity (which is the expectation that your life will unfold in a predictable, progressive, mostly linear path). Jordan Davidson’s look at the important decisions and facts around having kids is incisive, inclusive, and extremely comprehensive. This is the kind of book I think a lot of young adults need access to!

I received an eARC from NetGalley and Sounds True Books in exchange for a review. I was drawn to So When Are You Having Kids? because of its promise to truly include gender and sexual diversity in its discussion of childbearing and childrearing. Davidson does her best to include as many different perspectives and experiences in the book. There are first-person testimonials from people of all shape, ability, and genders—yes, this is a book that boldly announces up front it will be gender-inclusive, and it follows through in its language and the people Davidson interviews. From cis men and women to non-binary folx, straight to gay to bi or pan or ace, from people who can get pregnant to those who can’t—this is a book that acknowledges that there is far more to a family than one man, one woman, and the hope that baby will make three.

This is valuable to me. When I was a kid, of course, thanks to chrononormativity I just kind of assumed I would be a parent, likely of biological children, one day. Yet as I grew up, I learned a lot about myself. I’m asexual and aromantic. Neither of these identities precludes me from having children, of course, but it is one way in which I diverged from the heteronormative narrative. Then, a few years ago, I realized I’m trans. As Davidson explores in this book, trans people often face steep challenges when having kids—not just as a result of the rising tide of discrimination and stigma, but also because of gender dysphoria and financial pressures that make it harder to access gender-affirming care.

So as I move through my thirties, my life looks a lot different from how teenage Kara imagined it. And I’m ok with that! I want to be the cool aunt who takes care of my friends’ kids so they can smash. I want to be the one who is available for a late-night phone chat because I’m not exhausted taking care of my own littles. I want to build a big, big chosen family around me full of people from all kinds of backgrounds—people with kids, people without kids—who take care of me and are taken care of by me in return. I don’t need biological children to do that.

But boy, was this book ever a fascinating education about having children!

See, I came for the inclusivity but I stayed for the science. Each chapter here was a revelation. Like, I think I have a reasonably good level of sexual education—certainly more than, alas, your average American, and probably more than most Canadian chicky boos too. But Davidson has done her research, oh my. First with the social science—stats upon studies of information about who’s doing it, at what age, or why we’re not doing it. A lot of this connects with things I’ve read in other books, like The Burnout Generation or treatises on climate change. Then with the biology: how ovulation, fertilization, and implantation actually happens. There’s also a lot of information on the expense of having a kid, a chapter that is very US-focused and reminds me of how important it is to stop Doug Ford from privatizing our Canadian healthcare system.

If you have a question about having kids, the answer is probably in this book.

There’s also a whole section dedicated to not having kids! I would have liked to see a little more time spent on reproductive rights and abortion rights—the book includes testimonials from some people who have had abortions, and Davidson does mention that women (we do not have much data for other genders who can become pregnant) who delay having children tend to be more successful and satisfied in other areas of their lives. However, given the political climate around abortion access in the US right now, I wish this book had been louder in pushing for a conversation around why protecting abortion access is important.

Our society puts a lot of pressure on us—especially women—to have kids. (My bestie and I did a whole podcast episode about this.) As Davidson remarks early in the book, we are expected to justify a decision not to have children, yet we seldom, if ever, ask people why they have children. And whatever your stance on our evolutionary duty to pass on our genes, the fact remains that many people for a variety of reasons cannot have kids, cannot even be parents to adopted kids, no matter how much they might want to. On the flip side, many people who think they will never have kids end up becoming parents through one turn of events or another.

This was what stuck with me the most from this book: the sheer unpredictability of life. The fact that we cannot have it all. As always, I come back to My Real Children, by Jo Walton, which follows one woman across two parallel lives. We can’t have kids and also not have kids, and as much as we try to steer our lives, nudge them along certain trajectories, external events will always shape those paths as well.

Oh yeah, this book gave me the philosophical feels, big time.

So When Are You Having Kids? is a fusion of fact and testimonial: each is powerful on its own, but the combination of the two makes this book extremely satisfying. As much as I learned a lot from the science, I also just enjoyed hearing all the varied stories from the voices that Davidson includes. This is a book I would recommend to anyone starting their journey into adulthood, anyone considering having kids—or not having them—and especially couples pondering if they want to become parents together. This is a book that will spark conversations, pose hard questions, offer advice on finding the answers to those questions, and help you become more prepared to navigate a world that insists it knows what you should want.

"Deciding whether or not to have children is the first, and perhaps final,
parenting decision of your life. We can’t predict the future for ourselves or
for our children. All we can do is try our best."

I'll preface this review by saying that I do already have kids. However, I think this book fills a really vital gap in parenting literature before what to expect when you're expecting. Becoming a parent is a huge, life altering decision that deserves reflection, time and focus.

It's also okay not to know if you want kids. There's so much societal pressure to either have kids or make up your mind. Davidson does an excellent job presenting arguments and counterarguments and examining a wide range of considerations regarding having kids. I'm less science minded, so I glazed over a bit during the in depth scientific descriptions of fertility treatments, but I think this book is such a vital resource for anyone considering having kids.

I would highly recommend it.

I've found this book very helpful. I don't know if enjoyed it is the right term because some of the questions/topics have given me a lot of anxiety because I still don't know if I'm making the right decision. But regardless, I think that this was a really great resource to dig into a lot of the questions around whether or not you want kids. I do think that in some of the chapters, it got a little bit into the weeds and it felt like it lost track of where it was going a little bit, but overall, this was an excellent book. I appreciated all the perspectives that were compiled into it and woven throughout. For the most part it didn't feel like it was pushing one way or the other but rather just exploring.

A book I didn’t know I needed until I read it. Existing in this world is hard in and of itself and Davidson gives a detailed, nuance discussion of the pros and cons of having children. The ethical burden of having kids in a world where hate crimes and climate change weigh heavy on everyones minds and the struggle to distinguish between genuine want of kids versus societal pressure are 2 things constantly on my mind. Davidson’s words are validating and makes me want to share this book with my mom.

Thank you to NetGalley, Sounds True, and Jordan Davidson for this ARC. I voluntarily read and reviewed an advanced copy of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

The quick review for this book I can not wait for this book to become a sisterhood of the travelling pants of my library collection when it comes out because I truly believe everyone could benefit from reading it with tens across the board.

I love how much I learned from this book with over 100 personal anecdotes from a wide range of identities and over articles of research this text covers more topics than I can count under the umbrella of do you want kids, should you want kids, how to have kids, and what if you do not want them.

I loved how rich the storytelling in this was and how the author truly painted a holistic painting of family planning. Instead of relying on broad strokes to relate to the largest possible audience. I fell in love with how many small, yet specific strokes were made to relate to a broad audience but through the very small differences that make us all human, whether it be socio-economic status, gender, race, ability, and so, so, so much more.

I love when you can tell an author puts so much love and care into their work and you can tell how many times this must have been drafted to create the masterpiece I read over the course of the last month.

This book is going on my list of books everyone should read at least once to get a larger idea of family planning and if this author ever published again I will immediately read more!

This was a super informative guide for anyone who is questioning whether or not parenthood is right for them. I bookmarked multiple sections that I would like to go back and reference in the future.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the free e-copy.

This book stands out because while there are many guides to pregnancy and parenting, there isn't a lot of information for people who are trying to decide whether or not to have children. This author helps prospective parents to understand all the reasons why or why not people decide about children. The book is notably inclusive of the entire spectrum of people -- transgender, LGBTQ+ and their needs and perspectives. This is an outstanding title and would be very useful in any public library collection.

I thought this was an interesting and insightful book. There are so many different things that go into the decision of whether or not to have kids, and this book was thought provoking and easy to read. The author did not try to bias the reader one way or another, and seemed to touch on many important topics.

Thank you NetGalley for this ARC!

This was a great read and an essentially needed book for many readers in their 20s and 30s. I found it very helpful and illuminating, especially the practical information like budget outlines and descriptions of the IVF process. I liked how the information for queer families was integrated throughout and not sequestered for its own chapter. The interviews were great and I enjoyed reading personal stories from a variety of people. I would've enjoyed reading a bit more about adoption and foster care.

I love reading books that are unlike anything I've read before - and So When Are You Having Kids was definitely different, in a good way! While the content was sometimes overwhelming (not because of the book itself, but because personal reflection and family planning is generally a lot to think about), I really appreciate the topics covered. As a queer woman (with endometriosis), I felt both seen and informed while reading this book. There was a lot that I liked (see below) and I would definitely recommend this book to folks in my life, regardless of identity.

What I liked about So When Are You Having Kids:
-Consistent queer and trans rep
-Intersectionality of content/stories shared: race, class, gender, orientation (including ace/poly folks, which is rare), disability, religion
-The spotlight on the USA's history of eugenics and sterilization laws
-Naming the taboo - including that some folks regret having kids
-Inclusive language (i.e. birthing person, chestfeeding)
-The child-first lens to adopting/fostering, centering the story of those with that lived childhood experience
-The spotlight on how folks who do not want to be pregnant/be a parent are often dismissed.
-Endometriosis rep
-Attachment style breakdown
-Normalizing experiencing and recovering from grief (in a variety of family planning situations)
-The oh so relatable, yet complex title

What I didn't like about So When Are You Having Kids:
-I've never heard of the term "queerspawn" before and it didn't sit right with me. As a member of the LGBTQ+ community, it feels dehumanizing.
-Sometimes the content of the book felt unevenly distributed. For example, the fertility sections were pretty in-depth, whereas the adoption/fostering sections felt light. Some chapters had more racial diversity/rep while others had less. Sometimes stories were told in first person, sometimes third and I couldn't see the pattern/reason behind this.

Davidson gives a very comprehensive overview of what goes into the decision-making about having children or not. The book's diverse points of view and non-gendered language make things accessible regardless of gender identity or sexuality. I do wish there was a bit more representation, but overall the other does a wonderful job giving space to all kinds of people. This book is part history lesson, sex ed, and compassionate lessons into parenthood. I definitely recommend this book regardless of where you are in life or your decision-making process in regard to raising children. There is no right or wrong answer here... just a well-rounded guide to help you through the questions and uncertainty that you may have.

This is a really interesting book that talks about all the different elements and considerations that go into the decision whether or not to have kids. I was drawn to it because it promised to be really LGBTQ+ inclusive and nonjudgmental about either decision, and that was absolutely true. There were chapters on many different topics and at no point did I feel like the author was trying to lead the reader towards any one decision. There were also a lot of anecdotes from people in a wide variety of situations that enriched the book. Some examples of topics addressed in this book include: culture and societal pressure/expectations about the timeline of having kids, infertility treatments, adoption and foster care, fear of childbirth, physical and mental changes to expect during pregnancy, birth control methods, childfree living, and so on. Of course, I found myself more interested in the chapters that directly pertained to my own decision, but the other chapters were still really interesting and gave me a greater sense of empathy for people who make a different one. I didn't really know what to expect when picking this up, but I was very pleasantly surprised.
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for this ARC!

Incredibly insightful and informative. I felt so validated and seen in several sections, particularly the chapter about fearing pregnancy. It was a delight to read and educate myself on the social structure of parenthood and what I feel my place in that may be.

So When Are You Having Kids is a book for everyone, whether you've always wanted kids, questioned whether you were ready, don't want kids, want help figuring out if you want kids, etc. It is a comprehensive guide that goes through everything that should go into the decision of having kids or not, and what to accurately expect / how to mentally prepare for the results of your decision.
This book is for everyone regardless of gender, orientation or personal values. A personal coup de coeur for the inclusion of different LGBTQIA+ identities throughout the book, rather than doing a "Queer chapter" as some other life guide books do.

This is such a refreshing "Pre-Parenthood" book - I don't think I honestly realised until reading this how noninclusive most of them are, so it really was a breath of fresh air to read something like this that took the time to include all sorts of people and situations and decisions and give them equal consideration.

There are lots of first hand examples given, but the really nice touch about this is not all of them are embedded in the main text of the book - many testimonials are presented alongside without the author adding anything to them. I thought having different experiences peppered through in their own words, and not quoted or paraphrased as part of a larger point, was really great.

I would say that this book is very US centered so is probably most useful for those based there, but there's still a lot of really good information and things to ponder on that you can get from this living elsewhere (such as in the UK, where I am.)

I went into this book as someone who has a pretty good idea (now!) of what I want in terms of parenthood, but this was still a really nice read that helped me think about some anxieties I have, and I would've really loved to have read this quite a few years ago - I think it will be very helpful and comforting read for many who fall outside the standard heteronormative mould.