Thank you netgalley for this ARC. I am leaving an 100% honest review.

I would not recommend for a child to read, but I would recommend a parent to pick it up.

I actually already did, I have a friend with a son that I feel would benefit from reading this book. I enjoy how the book focuses on the parents and their journey to understand their own feelings. Acceptance is NOT affirmation is the biggest thing I took away from this book, along with boundaries being important.

I really had to sit with this book for a while to appreciate its strengths. As someone who's accustomed to reading openly queer-affirming literature, the absence of that tone was uncomfortable at first. But gradually I came to realize that this book isn't *for* me, and that in fact, it's doing exactly what its intended audience needs.

This is first and foremost for parents who are struggling to reconcile their churches' anti-gay teachings with the reality of having a queer child. This book meets them where they are, without judgement, and without demanding that their beliefs do an immediate about-face. The emphasis is where it should be — on maintaining parent-child relationships — while also acknowledging the seismic crises of faith that a child's coming does indeed invoke for many parents. Crucially, it shows these parents that they're not alone in this experience, even if their faith communities turn out to be unaccepting.

For me, it was eye-opening to hear the struggles of conservative religious parents who are honestly bewildered by the realization that their child is queer, despite having done everything "right" according to their church doctrine. I'll confess that a petty part of me wanted to let out a vengeful whoop when one church after another turned its back on parents in this situation, but the more I read, the more heartsick I felt for these folks instead. The hypocrisy and blame they face is so infuriatingly unchristian that it shifted my anger away from the individual parents featured in this book. Yet through it all, the love for their kids that shines through their spiritual upheaval gives me hope that someday the religious right may lose its chokehold on so many families.

In sum: I started this book with skepticism, and ended with empathy.

This was an interesting read and a had a lot of helpful information. Navigating how to help your child come out and how to deal with people and issues can be tricky. It can feel isolating and knowing how to best help is hard if it is outside of your own experience. This book provided comfort and wisdom. I highly recommend it to other parents.

My Thoughts:
This book handled a contentious topic with grace, clarity, focus, and research. While I am not a parent I do lead a youth group. Students are learning and dealing with many complex issues especially regarding their gender and sexuality. This book offers a discussion on how to care for them, interact with them, and be a person of faith to them if/when they come out to you. The conversation is directed at parents but it is useful for a wider audience.


Who is this for:
As mentioned this book is directed to parents. It could be parents who have had children come out to them or who could eventually have children come out to them. The majority of the book is directed to them but reading it can help others empathize and learn about a topic. The final chapter speaks to how the church can help so at the very least church leaders should read through the final chapter.


Comments, Concerns, Questions
I really enjoyed the ending to the chapters. They posed questions to the parents that caused self reflection rather than outward judgment. These questions can help anyone spiritually grow in regards to LGBTQ+ understandings.

Activists hold annual parades to celebrate their sexual orientation. Politicians flaunt their support to garner votes. Many organizations have also enshrined gender equality for all forms of self-identified sexualities. For all the public acceptance, there are still some in the private sphere who are more reserved. For various reasons, there are issues surrounding sexual orientations that individual families and communities need to grapple with. One of the most challenging situations have to deal with conservative parents whose children confess their homosexual orientations, same-sex attractions, or the umbrella term LGBTQ+. This is popularly known as "coming out." Thus the title of this book is essentially about journeying with parents, especially conservative ones, in such situations. How do we nuance our understanding of sexuality without compromising on our biblical faith? How do we communicate such sensitive topics? How do we deal with the experiences from the stage of awareness to the stage of discovery or disclosure? Based on statistical studies as well as personal interviews, authors Mark Yarhouse and Olya Zaporozhets have written this book to guide parents through these stages to facilitate dialogue and mutual understanding. Two parallel journeys are of interest. One of the parents and the other of the child coming out. The focus of this book is on the former. The authors walk us through the process of awareness; seeking help; maintaining the relationship; impact on faith; and how parents can come to terms with reality. Toward the end of the book, there is a chapter about how the Church can help.

On awareness, we learn about the different ways in which parents find out about their child's sexual orientation. Every parent will find out differently. Some through open disclosure while others discover it through various clues. What is common is the uncertainty of what to do with the news. A majority will possess a mixture of positive and negative feelings. A key conflict would be the parents' love for the child versus strongly held religious convictions. Based on feedback from Christian parents the authors offer three pieces of advice:
1) Lead with love
2) Acceptance of the child and circumstances
3) Self-care

Generally, many parents need help especially when it comes to deciding whether to avoid or to approach the situation directly. In avoidance, some parents go into the closet when their children come out. In approach, we are reminded about the dangers of rumours and gossip. Perhaps, the best piece of advice is for the person to tell his/her story. There is a third way, that is, to pray and wait for wisdom to know what to do. That will just be the starting point. What happens next is the challenge of maintaining the loving relationship between parent and child. It is easy to speak of love but when it comes to practicing it, it becomes a growing challenge as the emotional and religious conflicts get played out long-term. Yarhouse and Zaporozhets remind us to protect our children regardless of how we feel. This can best be done when one suspends any form of judgment.

My Thoughts
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The authors have written this book in a manner that addresses many concerns of parents. In trying to strike a balance between both parent and the child, they have maintained a position that accepts both the parents' emotions as well as the child's orientation. In some circles, this position is not tenable simply because the issue is far more complex than mere acceptance. If a person sees such sexuality as unnatural and sinful, how could there be acceptance? They could also bring in the question of pleasing God or pleasing humans? When that happens, it will be difficult. The authors try to avoid such a scenario hence their plea for acceptance. They show us that acceptance is in itself a journey. While acknowledging it is vital for parents to withhold any judgment, they help us deal with any nagging discomfort through open communication and honesty. Looking at it from a relational standpoint, all sides could gain if they could seek more common ground. Such a common ground includes assurance of love, continued faith in God, and withholding any form of conclusion about one's convictions. The most difficult would probably be the latter which makes the chapter on faith matters crucial. The core question is the belief of whether homosexuality is a sin. The authors advocate from their research that the way forward would be for parents to re-examine their own faith in the first place. When they do eventually come around to acknowledge that homosexuality is "not" a sin, they might have to find for themselves "pockets of safety and support." This is a difficult position to take. In fact, both positions of keeping the faith and changing one's faith are difficult.

Yarhouse and Zaporozhets believe that the way forward is acceptance. Actually, it is more about accepting the child's position rather than the parent's religious convictions. That is why they include the chapter on "How parents come to terms." Like the classic journals on change, it is easier to change oneself rather than to change others. In the same way, they are telling parents that it is easier to change their own convictions than to try to change their children's sexuality. Whether it is about distinguishing between same-sex attraction or behavior, some parents will find it difficult to see the difference. Grieving is an emotion that should not be underestimated. The issue is complex and I think acceptance is only one of the solutions. Perhaps there should also be a guide for the child to understand the parents' position. Applying the same logic, as much as parents are expected to accept their child's condition, what about the other way around? How could the child coming out accept the parents' convictions? The issue is way more complex than mere acceptance.

It is telling that when the issue hits close to home, convictions waver considerably. Yet my gut feeling about this book is that while the authors claim to nuance their understanding of the sexuality issue, it tends to be lopsided toward accepting sexual orientation over other potential options. For that reason, I feel the book has not presented sufficiently other positions.

Mark A. Yarhouse (PsyD, Wheaton College) is the Dr. Arthur P. Rech and Mrs. Jean May Rech Professor of Psychology at Wheaton College, where he directs the Sexual and Gender Identity Institute. He is a licensed clinical psychologist and author or coauthor of many books, including Gender Identity and Faith, Family Therapies, and The Integration of Psychology and Christianity.

Olya Zaporozhets (PhD, University of Toledo) is an associate professor in the School of Psychology and Counseling at Regent University. Dr. Zaporozhets is coauthor (with Mark Yarhouse) of Costly Obedience: What We Can Learn from the Celibate Gay Christian Community. She has diverse clinical experiences and has trained Christian leaders in mental health counseling in Europe and Asia.

Rating: 4 stars of 5.

conrade
This book has been provided courtesy of InterVarsity Press and NetGalley without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.

"Nowhere does the Bible list hatred or abandonment among the list of attributes God seeks in a parent to raise one of his uniquely created children."

This book will not give you a step by step hermeneutic for how you, as the parent of a gay child should address the issue. It is not an apologetic for the 'Christian' stance on same-sex attraction. Simply put, this book is a companion to walk alongside you on this journey. It will introduce you to families who are in your shoes, describe different ways people haver wrestled through it, and gently put an arm around you when you feel lost.

If you're here looking for answers, this might not be the book for you. If you're here because you need someone who understands, welcome.