You don't often see books focusing on male friendships, so Will Schwalbe's We Should Not Be Friends definitely fills a much-needed void.

Schwalbe begins his story as a junior at Yale when he is selected to become a member of the Skull and Bones Society -- an elite secret club of 15 seniors who will bond together during their last year. As a gay man in the early 1980s, when AIDS was a new and mysterious disease and homosexuality was not a topic often discussed openly, Schwalbe is definitely not in his element as a Skull and Bones member. Despite the differences among the 15 students, Schwalbe forms an unlikely friendship with Chris Maxey ("Maxey"), a loud, boisterous jock and the last person who Schwalbe would feel comfortable with.

Schwalbe details their ongoing friendship throughout the years, though you often sense that Schwalbe is awkward and uncomfortable around Maxey most of the time. Though the friendship has lulls of several years when the two don't keep in touch, it seems that the friendship between Schwalbe and Maxey picks up wherever it leaves off. And as these men age, they begin to open up more to each other -- clearing away any misconceptions that they may have harbored during the years.

A lovely memoir focusing on how friends must learn to embrace the similarities that bring them together as well as celebrate the differences that make each of them unique.

Thank you to #NetGalley and Knopf for providing this ARC of #WeShouldNotBeFriends.

I enjoyed reading this book, especially at the beginning. Unfortunately for me, I was expecting a solid friendship that lasted for years but there were many times, including important times in each others’s lives, for years at a time, that these men weren’t there for each other and didn’t talk. They did become closer as they’ve got over but I don’t think this is an example of how a close friendship is or should be. I was pretty entranced by Maxey’s life and hope he considers a memoir one day.

Thank you to NetGalley for the ARC.

This is the story of an enduring friendship between two very different people -- the author Will Schwalbe and his fellow Yalie and Secret Society member, Chris Maxey (known as Maxey). I am drawn to books about friendship and was excited to read this one. Schwalbe's End of Your Life Bookclub has been on TBR for years and this was my first dip into his writing. I did enjoy parts of the book -- my favorites were learning about the Secret Society and hearing about their "audits," and hearing the perspective of a gay man during the start of the AIDS crisis. But overall, this book wasn't for me. The author notes that it was collaborative and that he and Maxey shared recollections, notes, emails, etc, but I still felt it was one-sided. I would've liked to have heard Maxey's voice alternating with Will's (i.e. written by Maxey), I listened to an interview with the author on Gretchen Rubin's podcast and he was more likeable. The tone of this book just didn't work for me. Thanks to Knopf, Will Schwalbe, and Goodreads for the ARC and the opportunity to share my thoughts.

WE SHOULD NOT BE FRIENDS is a deeply honest portrayal of a lifelong friendship between a former Navy SEAL and a gay writer. If this sounds like an unlikely friendship, then you are correct. In most situations, these two people would have likely never crossed paths or formed a friendship to rival all friendships. But, when a secret Yale society throws them together in college, Chris Maxey and Will Schwalbe start to realize that their differences may just be what makes them better people.

"It was so much easier to be around other gay people and theater people and people just like me whom I never needed to touch."

Will Schwalbe could be found reading a book in a quiet corner. Chris Maxey was frequently the loudest person in the room and was often found to be doing some sort of exercise activity. Schwalbe didn’t like to be hugged. Maxey gave everyone the biggest of bear hugs. Schwalbe was a gay man in the 1980s. Maxey was a typical jock planning to become a Navy SEAL. As you can see, they had nothing in common, or did they?

Schwalbe was doing just fine in the friend category at Yale until at one point he was approached to attend a secret meeting and join a group of different fellow Yale students in a secret society. This society opened up Schwalbe’s circle and introduced him to Chris Maxey, “Maxey” as he would be called by everyone who knew and loved him, and his life was never the same again. In fact, this whole society of Yale classmates has been part of his life since graduation. During college, Schwalbe was immensely concerned about his “gayness” being a factor in whether people liked him, were okay sharing a house with him, or even touching him. This was in the 80s during the AIDS crisis when little was known about gay men except for the connection to AIDS.

But, once they shared their “audit” with the society (their personal story), Schwalbe relaxed a bit and allowed his fellow members to seep into his life, for the better. Even though I was not too interested in his stories of exploring his sexuality, I understand that is part of his story. I was deeply moved by the friendship that bloomed on the page between Maxey and Schwalbe even if they went months or years without talking, it seemed they picked right back up. Were there conflicts or hurt feelings over the years? Of course, but they handled them with honesty and compassion towards each other which frankly only made their friendship more realistic to me.

What I appreciated most about this story was that Schwalbe wasn’t afraid to share his mistakes, his own prejudice, his disbelief at why someone like Maxey would like someone like him as a friend, and his complete trust in his friend’s guidance. I was deeply moved by Maxey and his wife’s dedication to their Island School in the Bahamas and his absolute devotion to his friendships. As someone who met her best friend in college and not someone I would naturally have picked for a best friend, I could relate to the feelings of inadequacy or disbelief that this person would want to be my friend. I have come to appreciate Schwalbe’s writing as I deeply enjoyed his book, THE END OF YOUR LIFE BOOK CLUB, and found the parts of this story built around when he was caring for his mom very insightful.

If you have an unlikely friendship or want to be nudged to step out and meet people who might be different from you, I encourage you to read this. It might be fun to even read this with a friend as it may just open up conversations you have been avoiding or feel more courageous to discuss.

I really enjoyed this memoir about friendship where two unlikely Yale students become libeling friends. It had a nice flow to the story because it was sorted by decades. It’s nice to read a chronological story that holds my interest.

Will and Maxey meet as Yale students with little in common. Will is a self-professed nerd who is shy and defensive about coming out as gay. Maxey is a typical athlete who intends to join the Navy SEALS after graduation.

They join a secret society that seems to put together students that would not normally be friends. There are lectures and speeches and a sense of community between a dozen students.
Throughout the book we get glimpses in several of the group’s lives.

There is much analysis of friendships and what they mean. The two men lead very different lives yet remain in each others’ lives for 40 plus years. I enjoyed learning about Maxey’s school and Will’s publishing business. The island where Maxey’s family lives is easy to imagine with the creative words.

As someone with a 50 year friendship, this book hit close to home. What ever you go through this friend will stand by you. Five star book.

Thank you NetGalley, the author and the publisher for this ARC.

I first encountered Will Schwalbe at a conference where he was promoting his book The End of Your Life Book Club, a memoir focusing on his relationship with his mother in the time before her death. By the time he had finished talking he had the audience in the palm of his hand, and the room was as misty as a greenhouse. When I saw the chance to get a review copy through #NetGalley, I took it as quickly as I could.

In this book he tells the story of his lifelong friendship with a college classmate, a pair with seemingly little in common--one gay, one straight; one theater kid, one jock; one introverted, one extroverted. But despite their differences, they forged a bond which stood up over decades, and life's ups and downs. I don't know anyone who doesn't cherish a relationship like this one.

In this time of tribalism where we seem to be unable to understand and empathize with others, it's refreshing to read the story of two men who find a way to love and support one another despite their seeming incongruities. This would be a good choice for a book group, or a gift for your own life-long friend.

What I loved about this book:
1. Reminded me of the friendships I have made over time and how they endure. Also good reminder to not take those friendships for granted!
2. Celebrated male friendships which are sometimes overlooked in literature.
3. The author's openness to self examination - which didn't always seem authentic but nevertheless he put himself out there!

What frustrated me:
1. The length of time it takes the author to understand the insights about the friendship.

Thank you to NetGalley for a copy of the book and the opportunity to provide feedback.

Happy March! I have seen signs that Spring is coming. If only it would quit snowing! I am so happy that the days are longer.https://cecooney.com/2023/03/03/we-should-not-be-friends-by-will-schwalbe/ I am sure I didn’t notice this as much years ago but now, I look for every drop of daylight. Hopefully, soon outdoor time! That is what I am truly looking forward to.

Have you read the author, Will Schwalbe before? I have read his book, The End of Your Life Book Club, which is about the books he read and discussed with his mother while she was dying. It was a very touching book and it talked about books. One of my very favorite things to talk about! He also has a book entitled, Books for Living, which looks very interesting.

He has a brand-new book out! It just came out last Tuesday. The new book is We Should Not Be Friends and it tells the story of his friendship with Chris Maxey. They met at the end of their junior year of college and got to know each other during their senior year. On the face of it, they could not be more different. Will knew that jocks were the opposite of who he wanted to meet. They represented a world very different from his land of theater people, writers, and visual artists. Will would work at the AIDS hotline on the weekend while he assumed that Maxey would drink and hang out with other jocks.

Despite Will’s reluctance, he did end up getting to know and even begrudgingly respect Maxey. The book is about their friendship over the decades (They are both in their 60s now.) Since the story is told from Will’s perspective, we find out a lot more about him and his perceived “friendship fails” 

I like the way that Will Schwalbe writes. It draws you into his world – you feel like you are listening to an old friend. I did wonder why he decided to write about this particular friendship. He refers to other friends in the book that were interesting. Oh well, it must have been important to him.

I enjoyed the book and would recommend it to you along with his other books.

Thanks for reading.

A beautiful and intimate memoir written by gifted author Will Schwalbe.

I 'met' Will Schwalbe through two of his books: The End of Your Life Book Club and Books for Living. He painted a fascinating picture of himself through the books he shared with his readers. I especially appreciated learning about his relationship with his mother.

This book has allowed me to see Will as Friend as well as Son. His unlikely friendship with Chris Maxey, whom he met at Yale during his senior year, has lasted 40 years. Will, the Nerd; Maxey, the Jock. Will, the Introvert; Maxey, the Extrovert. Will, Gay; Maxey, Straight.

So the story starts in the 80's and describes life and events right up to the 35th Reunion of the 1984 Yale Graduating Class. Much happens in these years, but especially the ups and downs of life and keeping up with friends.

I felt this book read as well as fiction with many interesting stories: travel, careers, and health problems too.

I highly recommend this book..

4 stars

Who wouldn't be intrigued by that title?
I also really enjoyed his memoir "The End of Life Book Club" so I was happy to be granted access to Schwalbe's latest.

Schwalbe begins the story with his junior year at Yale when he's asked to join a secret society. Though apprehensive, he joins and makes friends he will have throughout his life.

One of them, Chris Maxey, known to all as simply Maxey, couldn't be more different than Schwalbe, or as he calls him, Schwalbs. Maxey is a gregarious, good timing frat boy and athlete. Schwalbe is gay, intellectual, fighting for men's health during the AIDS crisis. They circle each other for some time, friendly, but not friends.

This book follows the story of that friendship that should never have been, and how it deepened after tragedy and health concerns for them both.

"I did not like being the person who needed help. Not one bit. So I had never considered whether in refusing to be that person, I had denied my friends something essential

This was a lovely observation of friendship. Vulnerability and trust deepened their friendship as it changed and evolved over 40+ years. Perhaps most illuminating was how much we can learn about ourselves through these important relationship.

Thank you to the author, NetGalley and Knopf for the advance digital copy in exchange for my honest review.

It was such a pleasure to read about Will and Maxie‘s friendship and although unlikely proof to be true and studying really brings home the whole thing in order to have a good friend you have to be a good friend wouldn’t we all love to have a friend like Maxi? I really enjoyed this book and highly recommend it are usually do not read memoirs but found this one irresistible I love opposites attract an unlikely pairings and that’s totally said that urge. I received this book from NetGalley and the publisher but I am leaving this review voluntarily please forgive any mistakes as I am blind and dictate my review.

We Should Not Be Friends is such a special book. Many years ago, I read Schwalbe's The End of Your Life Book Club which stole my heart and had me sobbing at the same time. If anyone ever believes books aren't magical, they should read that book.

Here, Schwalbe tackles a specific friendship, one that is entirely unlikely. The blurb does the outline of these two (Will and Maxey) quite well so I needn't discuss that further. What I will discuss is how connection and the power of friendship is so vital to the human experience. This book points this out through many examples and leaves you wanting to talk to all your friends.

For those who say they have enough friends, they are wrong. Connection is love.

Links to come.

I enjoyed this book. I do not know any of the people, I did not go to Yale and have no friends that have done notable things, yet I felt I was part of this book. As I read I added my own stories to the dialogue. I read and relived my history along with Will and Maxey. It takes a great writer to create a thankful reader.

I really enjoyed this book. I was familiar with author having read The end of your life book club. I was intrigued that these two, an unlikely pair, came together and remained together as friends. Schwalbe does a great job of exploring what it means to be a friend and what a disservice we do when we fail to give fully of ourselves to the other. I found some editorial things that needed fixing and sometimes he makes points that I didn’t understand. All in all a good read .

Will Schwalbe, the author of The End of Your Life Book Club and Books for Living, now turns his attention to an unlikely friendship. Schwalbe, who thought he had all the friends he needed in college, all the literary geeks and lesbians and gay men like him, found several unexpected friends when he was a junior at Yale. He was invited to join a secret society, and that’s where he met Chris Maxey. “From the start it was clear that Maxey and I should not be friends. What was less obvious was that I was much more prejudiced against him than he was against me.” We Should Not Be Friends is subtitled: The Story of a Friendship.

Chris Maxey was a jock when he and Schwalbe met. He was a loud, over-the-top wrestler from Pennsylvania. But, they both ended up meeting at a secret society selected precisely because of their differences. And, while Maxey showed an interest in getting to know Will, Will expressed all his worries about being gay at a time when AIDS was getting more attention in the news. Will’s prejudice? What would he ever have in common with a jock who went on to become a Navy SEAL for six years?

In the course of forty years, the friendship between Schwalbe and Maxey had it ups and downs, often because of Will’s reluctance to communicate. After Maxey left the Navy, he and his wife, Pam, took their growing family to the Bahamas where Maxey put his heart and soul into building a school with an environmental emphasis. But, it was another friend from Yale, David Singer, who often kept Will and Maxey informed of what was happening in their lives. It was only later that Schwalbe realized he wasn’t there for Maxey when his marriage was in trouble, or when his children moved to New Jersey.

There’s so much meat in this memoir. Schwalbe discusses his fears as a gay man in the 80s during the AIDS crisis. He talks about family health crisis, and his own delays in talking with Maxey. It took almost forty years for Will to even ask why Maxey left the SEALs. The book covers aging, and health issues for both men. Maxey grows more passionate about the ocean and the environment as time passes.

In the long run, though, We Should Not Be Friends, is about an unlikely friendship. It’s about the thin threads that keep a connection alive, even though people let it slip for years. For me, as I mentioned a week ago, this book forced me to examine my own friendships. Who are the unlikely people in my life, people who wouldn’t be there if I had met them when I was in grade school or high school? Schwalbe’s book is a memoir of forty years of friendship between a gay man who loves books and a jock who remained undiscovered as an individual for much of those forty years. Sometimes, it pays to ask the tough questions of our friends. And, sometimes, it pays to be honest with ourselves as well as our friends.

This is a great story about a 40 year old friendship between 2 men that evolved in college. It shares the story of how their friendship evolved through all the ups and downs of life. I definitely recommend this book.

Thank you to Netgalley, the publisher and the author for this ARC!

Junior year at Yale a diverse group of students are interviewed to be part of a secret society. Only fifteen juniors were offered this chance yearly. There was no cost associated with being a member other than a commitment of their time to meet twice weekly. The author Will Schwalbe is selected to be part of the group but is apprehensive about joining because he believes he already has all of the friends that he will every want or need. Ultimately Will joins the group and as a result an unlikely friendship develops between Will, a quiet, bookish gay man and Maxey a macho, larger than life man. The biography spans many decades culminating in their sixties. The book is well written but at times very hard to read because I became frustrated with the author’s insecurities and seemingly inability or unwillingness to be more open and honest and a better friend. Finally in his sixties, Will comes to the realization that true friendship means sharing yourself, flaws and all.

This book covers a lifetime friendship between two very different people, who first met in college and continue running into each other well into their sixties. Unfortunately, you get the impression that the author considered his friend more of a close acquaintance than a true friend for the longest time, as if he had been in deep denial for most of those decades.

I had a really close friend who was taken before we'd managed to make it to our sixties, and I miss him terribly to this day, so this book both resonated with me and offended me for all the time the author wasted by not being a better friend. I also envy the fact that he still has time.

But those are my issues, not the book's. This is a very interesting and readable memoir. It gave me a lot to think about, and exposed me to a very different lifestyle. That's a very good thing, during these divisive times.

I can recommend this book wholeheartedly.

Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher and author for the opportunity to read this fantastic book.

The title of this book could not be more perfect. We follow a lifelong friendship between two polar opposite males at Yale who do seem very different, but in life, we can all learn from each other, and they do that over decades.
I had a bit of a slow start getting into this book, but once I did, I literally did not put it down. “We Should Not Be Friends” made me stop and really reflect on time and how quickly it passes. I have two lifelong friends (53 years!), so could really relate to that part of the story.
I found it refreshing to read a memoir of such a beautiful friendship between men, when I am accustomed to reading stories about female friendships and relationships. I have recommended this book to many friends and colleagues.
I have just purchased “The End of Your LIfe Book Club” being so touched by Will’s relationship with his mom.
Thank you for this wonderfully written work.

Filled with wit and wisdom, We Should Not Be Friends is, most importantly, a story of love and self-discovery. Two guys in the Yale class of 1984 are recruited to join an campus unnamed secret society. A small number of juniors are recruited by the society’s current members who are about to graduate and compete their one year in the society. We meet the 1983-84 group of 14 members as they begin their senior year at Yale and their tenure in the society. They are, by design, an eclectic and diverse group who must dine together 2 nights a week at the society’s “hall” and participate in a number of activities. Within this group we meet Will, the book’s author, who’s bookish, not athletic and unapologetically gay at the beginning of the AIDS crisis and Chris Maxey who’s a jock, shallow and hyperactive. These two develop and maintain a (thus far) deep and meaningful friendship through the peaks and valleys of their lives. Funny, poignant, and engaging….this is the “buddy book” you’ll want to read.,