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We Should Not Be Friends
Author: Will Schwalbe - ARC
Pub Date: Feb. 24, 2023

We Should Not Be Friends: The Story of a Friendship by Will Schwalbe starts with a group of Yale students who participate in a secret society and begin a lifelong friendship. Mostly, it’s about Will, a gay man, and his best friend, Maxey, a physically loud and imposing star wrestler who have maintained a good friendship for over 40+ years. They are the unlikeliest of friends with very different dreams. I felt the most moving part of this story was the early days of advocating for gays while concerned about getting the disease. Gay men lived with the fear that they were already infected, guaranteeing an early death. Every muscle ache or pain was a warning. Checking your thyroid for swollen glands was critical, and fear leads to constant worry over health issues. The author’s honesty and determination to share his life with friends was the central theme of this book—an unusual memoir about the power of friendships.
#WeShouldNotBeFriends @Knopf #travel #disease #AIDS #HIV #friendships #partners #support #advocacy #education #memoir #Yale #acceptance #nonfiction #biography #acceptance

I received a complimentary copy of this ARC. The opinions expressed in this review are entirely my own. Thank you to Knopf Publishing Group, NetGalley, and the author for the opportunity to read this book. Pub Date: Feb. 24, 2023.

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This aptly titled memoir by Will Schwalbe chronicles an unlikely friendship that began when he was a rising junior at Yale. At the time he felt his social circle was complete, usually steered clear of jocks and was busy volunteering at a HIV hotline plus attending classes. However, he was approached by an older friend and was asked if he would be interested in joining a secret society. Fifteen rising juniors were yearly offered this chance. The society was well-funded with its own building and cost the members nothing except for their time. At first Will demurred but eventually changed his mind.

The fifteen new society members were an eclectic mix with one boisterous young man especially noticeable--Chris Maxey. A wrestler with a big personality and a noisy motorcycle, Maxey was hard to avoid. Will and Maxey became unlikely friends, contact ebbing and flowing over the years after graduation and that friendship endured.

This book will leave the reader revisiting their own friendships, new and old, while trying to discern what makes those relationships endure. I did not want the book to end. I hope Will and Maxey's story will inspire readers to reach out to friends with a new appreciation.

Thanks to NetGalley and Knopf Doubleday for my e-proof.

I love memoirs, and the concept of We Should Not Be Friends, by Will Schwalbe that chronicles his unlikely friendship with Chris Maxey over the course of 40 years really appealed to me. Thankful to #netgalley and #Knopf for gifting me an Advanced Reader Copy to read and review!

This was such a beautiful, funny and reflective look at friendship - both Will and Maxey's, but also the concept of friendship and relationships writ large. Will takes us to the beginning - back to their Yale days where they met at a Secret Society. They were the unlikliest of friends - Will an out, theater kid who spent his spare time volunteering with AIDS causes and Maxey, a lifelong jock.

Like all friendships, theirs experienced its share of ups and downs and twists and turns. But I was very taken both by Wills writing, beautiful and honest, and how reflective of my own friendships this story forced me to be. I think it is normal for friendships to ebb and flow but I was so moved by how Will and Maxey found their way back to each other - both in moments of triumph and moments of despair.

I really enjoyed this one - it has me thankful for my friendships, and thinking about the ones that I need to recommit to. A beautiful tribute to a beautiful friendship.

We Should Not Be Friends
By Will Schwalbe (with Chris Maxey)

The author wrote this memoir as a paean to diversity and the meaning of friendship. Will tells his story as he heads to Yale University to begin his lifelong adventure as a gay man. Due to the social climate of the time he often felt scorned and not liked. In addition, this was the beginning of the AIDS epidemic with all the fears around the disease. Thus, when offered the opportunity to be part of a secret society designed to bring together a group of young people of diverse backgrounds, he agrees to join, but holds himself apart. One of his new acquaintances is Chris Maxey a loudmouthed outgoing jock, who Will takes an immediate aversion to.

But strangely, as the group members bond, Will begins to make friends, most notably with Maxey. Little did ether of them realize that their friendship would prove to be life-long. As each of their lives evolved, the nature of their relationship also evolved. Over the years, both men learned many lessons – about each other and about themselves – as a result.

This book is sometimes hard to read, because the two men reveal the stark truths of their successes and failures in the harsh light of reality. But it offers the reader hope that sharing love and friendship can help all of us have better lives.

This is a rare story of the friendship of two very different men., which I found interesting. My only objection, it seemed disjointed, more like journal entries. Although the friendship is lovely, it also sounded somewhat sad. I'm glad to have read it for the experience.

Will Schwalbe is invited to be part of a small secret group at the end of his junior year at Yale. The idea of the group is to bring together different types of people who agree to meet twice a week for dinner at a house rather like a Greek house, but they do not live there. Some of them become lifelong friends, which is what this book is about. It’s a story of male friendships and their growth and change over about forty years. The book is well written, serious yet humorous and thought provoking. I really enjoyed it.

My thanks to NetGalley, Knopf, Pantheon, Vintage and Anchor for allowing me to read this ARC which will be released February 21.

#WeShouldNotBeFriends #NetGalley

This is the true story of a forty year friendship between two men who could not be more different. They met as juniors at Yale and bonded as part of an elite secret society. Soon after, their paths diverged but they checked in periodically and grew closer as the years passed. I wish I could say my appreciation for this relationship grew as I got to know them better, but, unfortunately, that was not the case.
The author, Will Schwaibe, makes his living with words, as a writer and editor, and yet his story feels curiously flat. He presents himself as an unapologetically gay man married to the love of his life, but he is always concerned about being judged by the straight establishment. His long time friend Maxey is a classic jock who becomes a Navy Seal and then moves on to other challenges. Schwalbe paints a vivid portrait of his friend, both his accomplishments and his shortcomings.
His own story is presented with a far greater emphasis on his failings. Through the book he seems overextended, rushing from meeting to conference to assignment all over the world,with barely time to have a conversation! much less a friendship. The irony is at the end of the book are 7 pages of acknowledgements, listing friends he thanks for assisting him in the writing of this book. Seven pages of friends suggests a superficiality that to me indicates an unwillingness to let his guard down. He tells his readers that he has grown and learned from this forty year friendship, but, frankly, I’m not buying it.

An excellent study of opposites whose attraction as friends makes them both better men. Covering years from college to middle age, We Should Not Be Friends is a memoir of friendship. Well-written, but there were times I felt the author held back or repeated a concept rather than exposing a conflict or deeper emotion. Disclaimer note: I received a copy of this book via Net Galley, but the review is my own as is the recommendation of the book as an interesting read.

I received a free e-arc of this book through Netgalley. This book details a lifelong friendship between two unlikely friends at Yale who seem very different, but also have a lot to learn from each other. It also made me think about how fast the years go and how although we often take friends for granted, we get more out of life when we are more open and honest with each other.

It is rare to read a book that focuses on friendship between men. This book deals with an improbable friendship between the author and his friend Maxey that started while both where attending Yale. Both were very different, Schwalbe is gay and Maxey was a jock on the wrestling team. It is important to note that the friendship started to develop during the early onset of the AIDS crisis and the hysteria that existed towards gay men at the time. I found the early stages of their friendship to be particularly interesting. Schwalbe's worries about being gay, how a jock might misinterpret things all with the AIDS crisis in the background. The friendships evolves through the years, with the author exploring the ups and downs of both their lives. A very enjoyable read.

A memoir, of sorts, of the author's friendship with an unlikely life-long friend. I appreciate the author's commentary on creating relationships with unlikely friends, but I can't say that I had much affection for either character. I loved the author's earlier book, The End of Your Life Book Club, about reading with his mother, but I just couldn't muster the same enthusiasm for this book.

Thank you to NetGalley for the advanced copy of the book and the opportunity to provide feedback.

I was incredibly touched with Will Schwalbe's End of your Life Book Club, so I was very excited to get a chance to jump into his newest book on friendship. One thing that Will does extremely well is reflection on relationships. The story of him and his mother resonated with every human, our everlasting but not always easy bond. This book he focuses on friendship- mainly here with his friend Maxey, but also so many others through his life from his current spouse, Maxey's family, and friendships from college that grew with time.

It is refreshing to see a male perspective on relationships with other males that is open and honest and so forward. Both men are forthcoming about their failures and concerns with sharing too much through their life, but they realize that their judgements are on themselves, not actually what their friends think. From their learning on honest insights, we are forced to examine ourselves, our journey through life, and our own relationships. We need to care about others, but also let ourselves be cared for. Both men also realized the effect other people had on their relationship too- which is very realistic and insightful to every human interaction. Also the effects of aging, maturing and health (both mental and physical) on what we need and put on ourselves with our relationships.

At times the book was a bit drawn out and rambling, it was hard to sit down and read for hours at a time. This would have been a good book to read while reading another book of a different genre, giving you time to ponder each interaction and relationship. It is written in a melodic fashion. It will be a good book to discuss.

I am glad I read the book, though at times I felt like I had to force myself to read it. It was heavy, but insightful. 3.5 stars.

How do we make friends? And should we be more open to making different, and perhaps better, ones?

Will Schwalbe met Chris Maxey at the end of their junior year at Yale, when each was invited to join a small secret society on campus. It was the early 1980’s. Will was into theatre and literature, and was majoring in Latin and Greek. Maxey was a prep school graduate and a star on the wrestling team, Will was gay, Maxey a jock….Will couldn’t imagine them ever being friends. But here he chronicles the incremental advances in their unlikely relationship over 40 years, including blunders and missed opportunities as well as the compassion each showed the others during hard times and the discovery that they really did have things, important things, in common.

This book interested me for different reasons. First of all, college in the 80”s? That was my era as well, so I suspected that there were many relatable moments to be found. (Wanting to hang out near a communal tv to watch MTV? Check. Leaving notes on friends’ dorm room doors, because there were no cell phones yet and few if any had phones in their room of any kind, making dropping by for an unplanned visit a hit or miss proposition? Been there, done that.) On another level, though, I am only too well aware that my daughter will be off to college next fall; I thought that perhaps this book might hold some insights for her upcoming experience. What friendship opportunities await her, and how can she make the most of them?

Let me talk about why this book shouldn’t have any connection to my daughter or to me. To state the obvious, neither of us is male (biologically or otherwise), a jock, or gay; neither of us attended or will attend Yale (or any Ivy); and there is no wrestling or majoring in ancient languages on our respective resumes either. So, neither of us should “be friends” with either of these two gentlemen, at least not on paper. But when I look a little deeper at Will and Maxey (because of course there is more to each of them than just the broad strokes detailed above) I find things in each that do strike a chord. Will’s love of books and reading (Maxey’s, too) is a passion my daughter and I both share. A love of food, a connection to the ocean, a fear of not being accepted for who we are, a desire to help and comfort others…..these are all things that would serve as a bond. Imagine if we discarded the possibility of friendship with people based on just a few bits of information about them; we would lose out on having some remarkable people in our lives. Will and Maxey, who didn’t think that they would be friends, became very good ones, and had profound effects on one another thoughout their lives

We Should Not Be Friends is a thoroughly enjoyable story of two friends, with moments of both humor and sadness. Neither man is without flaws and annoying quirks, and their friendship developed over many years. Readers will likely spot a bit of themselves and their own friendships here; I know that I certainly did. It has also made me look at friendships, past and present, in a different way, and made me want to be a better friend to those in my life. As for my daughter’s impending college life? I think she could receive no better gift than to discover a group of people who on the surface have nothing in common with her.…and then spend the time to find out all that she does share with them while learning things from them that she otherwise never would I recommend this well-written book from Mr. Schwalbe (“Schwalbs”, as Maxey calls him) to anyone who enjoys memoirs, has a fondness for the 80’s, or who might want to expand their concept of what makes a friendship work and endure. Thanks to NetGalley and Knopf, Pantheon, VIntage & Anchor for the advanced reader’s copy.

I’ve read many books about female friendship and never gave much thought about friendships between men. Will and Maxie met while at Yale when they joined a secret organization. There isn’t anything about them that would make them likely friends for over 40 years. Will is a small,quiet, gay man who is interested in books and writing. Maxie is a large man who is an active as a jock in many athletic activities. Their friendship remains strong even though there are periods of little or no contact. They are both dedicated to helping others though in different ways.
There are some interesting lessons and reminders of what is important.

Will Schwalbe was a junior in college when he met Chris Maxey. They didn't have much if anything in common, but they connected. They were in and out of each other's life the rest of their life. For four decades, and all that was happening in the world, the changes, events, through it all, they created their own life. But, their paths would intersect many times, and they learned a lot from each other. They grew, changed, faced health issues, life events, and wouldn't see each other or talk, but when it was needed their paths crossed. As the title says, We Should Not Be Friends, but they were, and it was interesting seeing not only all the changes in four decades in the world, but the changes in themselves. Now they are pushing sixty and are back in each other's life, talking about the life they have had, and knowing they were so different but had such a connection. The male relationship/friendship is so different from that of females, and there doesn't seem to be as many books about the male friendship for life, so it was enjoyable to read that side.
I received an ARC from Knopf through NetGalley.

We Should Not Be Friends: The Story Of A Friendship
By Will Schwalbe (Book Review)

College juniors Will Schwalbe and Chris Maxey are polar opposites, yet they develop a friendship that lasts a lifetime. Their journey through rewarding and tragic moments - both individually and as close friends - kept me glued to the pages of this memoir. A humorous, warm, and witty account of the events that shaped their destiny. Ultimately, it is a wonderful story of self-discovery, friendship and love.

We Should Not Be Friends is available on February 21st.

Thank you NetGalley, Knopf, Pantheon, Vintage and Anchor for sharing this heart warming book with me! Your kindness is appreciated.

#WeShouldNotBeFriends

Male friendships don’t seem to be celebrated as often as female friendships, but Will Schwalbe depicts the most unlikely male friendship and conveys perfectly how important that friendship was to both men. There doesn’t seem to be two more different men than Schwalbe and Maxey, but what ties them together is a shared desire for learning and growing throughout life. Schwalbe has his books (many of which have now been added to my TBR list) and Maxey had his school and the ocean, but throughout their friendship these men taught each other a great deal about themselves, their dreams, their fears, and their need for each other. Through sharing with the reader his friendship with Maxey, the author also divulges his own insecurities, biases, and needs. It’s clear that we’re Maxey not in his life the author would not himself have become aware of these things. This book is a beautiful book about friendship that not only lasts but grows as they age. Maybe on the surface they should not be friends, but it is clear they both are better people because they are.

I didn't love this book like I thought I would. The story is lovely; two people who never would have met but for a certain time in college. I love those stories. However, it read like reading someone's journal. There were more details in some parts that were needed to convey the relationship.