Capaciously and intelligently researched, but also full of candid, genuinely funny moments. Love Yagoda's writing, love her message about how we can connect better with our bodies, our partners, ourselves.

This was a very interesting read. It was pretty informative but not really my cup of tea. it was supper funny and I did love how it was very sex positive towards women and showed the struggles that we face.

Really intriguing and insightful. I think for me the best part was that it felt very approachable. Didn't feel intimidated by the content.

I got a chance to not only listen to the audiobook of this one, but to also read the ARC!

“Laid and Confused” was a fun mix of academic research, societal criticism, how-to guide and personal exploration. Yagoda aims to break down the taboos of sex and sexuality through this book and I thought the author did a great job doing so. By adding a personal element to the research, Yagoda makes it easier for listeners to explore their own hangups and insecurities in an effort to work through - and beyond - them.

Thanks St. Martin’s, Macmillan Audio and NetGalley!

A good read but not the best read.

It's a good introductory book for those who aren't accustomed to reading societal views on sex, but I wanted so much more.

The writing style is pretty solid and it is interesting but I think I was expecting a better balance of facts and commentary, but this is more commentary.

If you are new to books about sex, this could potentially be a good one. Unfortunately, this book was more essay-based and on factual evidence. It wasn't terrible but it also wasn't for me.

Thank you to #NetGalley and St. Martin'sPress for the ARC in exchange for an honest review. The above opinions are my own.

This book is well written, offers brevity, and the author brings authenticity to the writing. The information and insights seemed to be beneficial, but it was not what I was expecting or maybe it wasn’t what I needed to read at this point. Regardless, my feelings towards the book not meshing with me are just that - my feelings and not a reflection of the author or the actual book.

I received an ARC from the publisher and NetGalley. The opinions are mine alone.

As a girl who has grown up in purity culture and learned to grow out of that mindset, I loved this book. The fresh take on sex was the opposite of what I grew up with and what I need more of in my life. Thank you for writing this book!

Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

My Selling Pitch:
Do you want a self-help book that’s more personal memoir than advice? Do you want your big takeaway message from a book to be to learn how to communicate, but the author writing the book doesn’t know how to communicate?

Pre-reading:
It’s the way I saw this title and cover and immediately requested this. Also, look at me adding to my nonfiction goal for the year.

Thick of it:
Oop, and it’s too real already.

I adore this author’s writing already. (This does not last.)

I feel like I’m gonna buy this book and that this may be one of the best nonfiction books that I’ll read this year. Also, it makes me very sad that girlypop said she couldn’t be pretty because I googled her and she’s so pretty! (Can you believe I said this and then wrote this scathing review? Lol.)

Oh god, this is tooo real holy shit.

Quotidian

We are the same even down to the circus music, holy fuck.

She said I’m an angry sad girly, and she came out swinging.

I think dating burnout is killing sex lives the most. Women are getting hurt too casually and too frequently to want to continue.

OK, the book is getting a little repetitive.

With this book‘s approach, it better touch on incel culture. (Sigh, one of its many blind spots.)

It feels like a lot of her bad sex comes from low self esteem-which tracks.

There’s a lot of self-deprecating humor in this and like I vibe with it, but also it takes away from the nonfiction research aspect. You know, we’re getting campy conversational, less academic.

Wow, that sticker one is fucking awful.

So help me god, if you bring up Bridgerton and don’t call it rape.

She didn’t call it rape. How dare you? I feel like that discredits her entire book. You’re so focused on the fact that they had penis-in-vagina sex and orgasmed, but you won’t talk about the fact that she literally raped him. Shame on you.

She’s losing the feminism for me now that she’s brought up Bridgerton and is attacking the Kardashians. We don’t have to tear other people down to get our points across.

Skims is shapewear. You didn’t even define it correctly.

I don’t think I entirely agree with that. I think you just need to teach children to be critical thinkers. Kendall Jenner is an advertisement. Her only job is to sell you things. You’re the one attributing morality to it.

I mean, I think this is good, but very obvious advice.

I’m gonna let this book finish because I’m only at 30%, but I think there is a clear lack of understanding that you can do all the self-work and then have trouble finding partners that meet your needs because the dating bar is in hell.

Languor

I think she’s really cheapening this book with the humor at this point. It’s coming across as desperate girl.

Again, this is great self-work if you’re starting in a dumpster fire. What if you’re past that? What’s the next step to finding good partners?

This has become more memoir than a self-help book or informational writing. I’m gonna have to check the genre that it’s advertised as, but this is a memoir.

They could be 0 cal. That would improve gushers.

I don’t know if I said where this book was sitting for me, but it really dropped from a five-star nonfiction in the introduction to three stars.

Also, I can’t believe that this is a book about bad sex that brings up Bridgerton and doesn’t talk about the fact that he didn’t want to cum in her and she forced him to. Like how? This book lost all credibility with me when it did that, and I’m still not over it because I’m bringing it up again.

None of these people sound like they’re ready for relationships. You’re duct-taping a shattered object and then continuing to whack it with a sledgehammer and expecting it to stay together. Why don’t you glue it back together first, give it a chance to dry, and stop hitting it with a hammer? And like crazy glue, no Elmer’s glue sticks.
Just like be alone for a bit. Fix yourself first.

Girl, do your laundry.

interoception

Oh my god, I cannot stand that actor. Miss Girl is really into trolling culture.

The popularity of choking is terrifying. Do not normalize it. I hate it so much. It’s just not kinky. Go to therapy. Correction- most people are not doing it in a kinky way. They’re doing it in a go to therapy way.

Again, it feels very irresponsible to me that you’re going to criticize 50 Shades’ portrayal of kink, (Which don’t get me wrong. It needs to be criticized. It’s fundamentally wrong.) but you’re not gonna address Bridgerton. Shame on you.

I don’t think that’s an inherently BDSM thing. I think you’re Pavlov dogging yourself. It’s like drinking alcohol out of specific glasses at specific events, or work uniforms.

Wow, that guilty feeling is way too real

Anyone’s yuck is someone else’s yum.

paucity

Not to be gross, but aren’t they designed to be cleaned by your dishwasher? I don’t know, I think half the unappeal of Fleshlights is that it’s a disembodied vagina. Don’t make it look like the anatomy part. Make it more about the sensations than the look of it, and I think it would get more users. Also, the name. (But I think there’s a move to rename them strokers.)

I would love to read the buzz book. I’m adding that to my list.

Oh my god, I think I’ve read the article about the alarm clock vibrator. My big takeaway from it was that girly pop was depressed af if sleep had that much of a chokehold on her. And oh look where we are 👀

Those little buddies are super expensive! Also, I don’t find them visually appealing.

The G spot isn’t real and I will die on this hill. (Until concrete evidence proves otherwise.)

There’s no spongy walnut texture. They have conclusively disproven this. I understand her little footnote makes an allowance, but she’s just spreading categorically wrong information, and that makes me very upset.

I feel like Homegirl has a major exhibitionist kink that she’s just not acknowledging or is in denial about.

I’m sorry who is this we that she’s talking about here? I’ve not convinced myself of this. I have different problems.

Girl, therapy. Why are you working to fix your sex life? You have much more pressing matters to fix if you can’t tell your landlord that your oven is broken. You’re starting with the hardest most nuanced relationships. You are setting yourself up to fail.

This book really started out as a five-star for me in the introduction, and it has plummeted all the way to a one-star. What research did you actually do? What qualifies you to speak on this? A big resounding nothing.

The more I hear about Sex and the City, the more I’m convinced that I need to watch it, and that I am in fact Samantha from Sex and the City.

I think that is the one useful statement from this book so far. The idea that saying no requires no explanation and then likening it to the idea of safe words is brilliant. Most people recognize that you can safe out and play stops immediately. You don’t have to justify why you’re safe wording. You don’t need to explain until later. That’s a very interesting concept to me.

This book is very frustrating because it’s the most bare-bones of things. These people aren’t capable of relationships. Of course they’re having bad sex. They can’t communicate with anyone. They’re depressed. They have no self-esteem. You need to fix all that first. And that’s like a duh. I don’t really think those people are picking up this book.

I think that exercise is idiotic. It’s not even grammatically correct, or however it’s formatted in this ARC, makes it unreadable.

This book is so goddamn repetitive. How is it not over? I am enduring this book.

I keep meaning to try a Dipsea story, but I really hate to listen to things aloud when people can overhear them, and I don’t love the feeling of headphones. God, I want to live alone.

Putting Bow Down on the TBR.

Why is it special? I think because there’s a permanent health risk to it. You know chances are a handshake is not gonna give me an illness forever. Sex could, so it’s a matter of trust. It asks for more inherent commitment from its participants.

immiserating

There’s got to be some middle ground between teaching sex appropriately and teaching first graders about sex. I feel like you should have to be able to read chapter books reliably before we teach you about orgasms. There’s too many predators, man. I’m always suspicious of anyone who wants to hang around children for their job.

I think that claim about the EPA is beyond a stretch.

Why is it that your safest moment involves tearing down other people? You need to fucking examine that before you keep going any further, ma’am.

I don’t think conjuring the picture of your friend before masturbating is a healthy exercise. I think you’re gonna end up forming some formation with it where you like need that stimulus in order to get off. People have that with porn categories. People have that with sleep routines. We are addictive, habit-forming little creatures.

So she said more on sexual violence later and then just never covered it. Cool.

Post-reading:
How a book can have an introduction that prompts a five-star prediction from me only to absolutely plummet over the course of the book to a one-star…

It is inappropriate for a sexual advice book to be this poorly researched and still claim to be a self-help or psychology book and not a memoir.

It is unfathomable to me that you can understand consent and healthy sexual relationships, and bring up Bridgerton and not talk about the fact that it’s rape. And that’s because the author doesn’t understand healthy relationships period, not even just sexual ones. When told to picture her happiest place as a therapeutic exercise, she pictured herself insulting other people. This is not someone you take advice from.

Additionally, this is a sexual health book that brings up the G spot and features a little aside that there are conflicting opinions about its existence, but doesn’t offer any facts behind this and continues to perpetuate the myth that it’s real. It’s just contributing to the spread of sexual misinformation. Meanwhile, the book itself rallies against the spread of misinformation and claims TikTok and the internet and lay peoples’ understanding of sex and relationships is infecting and harming the population at large. Where do you get off? (Actually, never mind. I read the book. You don’t get off.)

Her sources to me are absolutely wild. I don’t think you can be a proper academic or a critical reviewer of research and ever cite Gwyneth Paltrow as a reliable resource. Mentioning Masters and Johnson’s outdated study does not mean you properly researched this topic. Going on Patreon and hiring a dominatrix does not mean you properly researched this topic.

The author is more concerned about telling you her personal relationship to having bad sex, relaying her sexual exploits, and her attempts to go to therapy than actually offering any valuable advice or critical review of sexual research. It’s voyeuristic. It’s narcissistic. It’s disheartening. Throughout the book, she relays her and a handful of other people’s struggles in their relationships that all stem from poor self-esteem, an inability to communicate, and depression. I don’t know why this book is so hung up on attempts to fix sexual relationships when these people clearly aren’t ready to be in relationships to begin with. You have to fix yourself first.

Which I think that is ultimately what’s so frustrating to me about this book because I don’t think the people who don’t know how to communicate are the ones who are going to be picking up this book. Yet that is the only advice that this book rather helplessly offers: learn how to communicate, and you will start to have better sex. And this book doesn’t even want you to have deep and nuanced conversations. It merely wants you to be able to say yes and no in bed. Wild concept: if you can’t do that, you are not ready to have sex. I think it’s such a fundamental failure of the book to say bad communication is the only reason people are having bad sex. That’s just not true. There’s so much missing from this book’s discussion and coverage of the topic because so much time is spent making self-deprecating jokes rather than examining actual research. Don’t misunderstand me. There’s a time and place for humor. I love humor. I think all my reviews are snarky and conversational, but you can have this tone and still convey the information that you need to get across.

The book feels underdeveloped. It feels unfinished. It feels like a memoir. And the tone and the personalization would be fine if this was a memoir, but that’s not what it’s purporting to be. It is a book that is attempting to advise people that has no credibility.

And yet I don’t think she’s a bad author. I think she’s a bad author for this book. I don’t think she’s capable of being objective about educational information. I don’t think she’s capable of providing the advice that a self-help book needs. A self-help book should be evaluated as a how-to-do guide.

I think she could write the shit out of an angry, sad girl book. I want that from her. I want her to do a hell of a lot more self-work, introspection, and therapy before she tries to write self-help again.

Who should read this:
People who want to seem edgy for reading about sex but want to be rewarded for doing less than the bare minimum
Armchair psychologists

Do I want to reread this:
No

Similar books:
* Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again by Katherine Angel-nonfiction examination of consent culture that kinda argues against consent’s value
* Butts: A Backstory by Heather Radke-nonfiction that explores the history behind the sexualization of butts and different body standards, but gets derailed by the author’s personal bias

this is a non-fiction about factors contributing to the 'sex recession' we find ourselves in. Maria Yagoda pulls from studies about sexual education (and other associated topics), her own experience, and that of the people she's interviewed. the main message comes down to why do we, as a society/generation, continue to have unsatisfying sex and why don't we do anything to stop it? why are we taught in school and from religious institutions and within our families that pleasure is bad and sex is ONLY for a man's pleasure? why???!!! Yagoda does a great job discussing all of this and the implications for the lgbtq+ community as well. Overall, this was an interesting and informative read and I would definitely read from this author in the future!

thank you to the publisher for the advance copy. you can find this out in the world NOW!

Serious subject written with humour. I learned a lot, Quite an interesting read.

It could have been boring. It could have been dry and filled with stats. But the author added enough of her personality to make it a good read.

Thought provoking, interesting, and an attention grabbing read!

Thank you to NetGalley and to the publisher for this ARC in exchange for an honest review.

Thank you St. Martin’s Press, Maria Yagoda and Netgalley for the ARC.

This book is something I didn’t know I needed. The honest and open discussion revolving around sex, pleasure and how we learn about it, is not something that I ever considered before reading this book. By talking to experts and discussing the different ways that sex and pleasure are viewed as taboo and trying to correct these assumptions, I cannot recommend this book enough. Talking about these issues and topics are the only way to try to change societies views on sex, pleasure and communication and this book is the perfect place to start the conversation.

A sex positive, inclusive book, Laid and Confused will appeal to anyone who struggles with communicating their desires or offering feedback to sexual partners. Very candid and thought-provoking.

This book used some jokes that were current to 2022-2023 and I loved it. It mentioned Pedro Pascal and other celebrities that made me laugh out loud.

Granted, the book did pass by on certain topics quickly and went around the same topics in a different way for several chapters. I enjoyed the book.

It was refreshing and gave me some intuition and knowledge about the dating and sex culture of today.

This was such a validating and nice read!
Although I am no Millennial (I am older than that), I can still relate to so much of this book! Also, I am sure it will be appreciated by so many younger women out there as well.
A book about sex – but from a slightly different perspective than the usual sex talk – what could be better than this?

This is a super solid 4 star read for me. The information and ideas conveyed in this book are incredibly eye-opening. This is my favorite type of non-fiction - where the author uses their own story to explain the information. This is a mix of informative and also personal narrative.
I especially loved the commentary on the long-lasting impacts of not including conversations about pleasure in sex-ed courses.
"When we marginalize pleasure from sex education, we cement lifelong body shame and difficulty asserting sexual autonomy. How can we say yes to what we love and no to what we don’t if we haven’t learned how? Even first-graders grow up to be sexually active adults, who— if they’ve learned to feel shame or ambivalence about the pleasure in their own bodies— have horrible sex, again and again."

I only have two small complaints. The first being that the chapters are way too long. Or at least for me they felt very very long. The other complaint that I think will bother other people are all of the pop-culture references. At times it definitely felt like the author was trying a bit too hard to be "cool and relevant". This took me out of the book. I think the intention was for this to be an informative, helpful and validating collection of information. But then I would read a mention of Beyonce and be thrown off. It definitely minimizes the impact.

But those complaints don't dull my belief that this book will be super helpful for so many! I am going to recommend this book to so many people. As a therapist, I can already think of so many clients who would benefit from this book. As someone who is involved in non-profit efforts focused on creating a culture of consent I can't wait to share this book with everyone else I know involved in this work. As just a person who has sex I have already mentioned some of the things in this book to my husband for us to try.

I prefer books about sex that use gender expansive language and written by queer authors.

SO I was DELIGHTED to know that Maria is non-binary and shared many similar experiences as me.

This book read like a part memoir/part how-to and it was exactly what I needed. If you are someone who is working on your own embodiment and pleasure practices, this book should go on your self help stack.

Cheers to saying bye bye to bad sex!

This book is an excellent read that promotes sex positivity, offers valuable insights, and provides a comprehensive view of sexual health. The title accurately reflects the book's theme - how we accept unsatisfactory sexual experiences. I highly recommend reading this book in short sections throughout the week to take time to reflect on the content. I strongly suggest this book to others.

This was pretty great. It was informative and interesting but I still felt like I was seeing experiences I've had acknowledged, ones that usually get blown off or set aside. In that way, this was comforting.