Unsafe words was such an important read, that when I saw it - I knew I had to read it. Although all essays and collections are different they have one main theme and that is the complexity of consent. I thought this was informative and will be getting the physical copy.

A really interesting read. I feel like this is never really discussed in the larger conversation of the MeToo movement, which means this book is a much needed narrative. Highly informational.

Unsafe Words is a book tackling sexual consent. Across a number of essays, we read the diverse experiences of many people. I found this to be an interesting starting point but I definitely would like to read more on this specific point of view surrounding the #MeToo movement.

These discussions are undeniably important and I love seeing it become less taboo to speak up about one's experiences.

Did not finish at 20%.

Clunky and hard to digest. Failed to pull in the reader and instead began on a spiel. It may be for suited for others, but I found it hard to absorb or be interested in, even though the subject is something I have a curiosity in. It's definitely something for a very, very niche audience.

Thanks for the opportunity.

Unsafe Words explores consent in queer spaces in a way that is so important, especially in the current political climate. It takes the #MeToo movement as a jumping off point, and turns those conversations towards a more queer context, exploring a range of identities and backgrounds. Essays range from more to academic to incredibly personal, drawing from experiences that someone from outside the community may not normally consider. Highly recommend.

An absolutely great and important collection of essays on consent. It’s so important to find and know the right language to have these conversations and this book is great and necessary.

Thank you NetGalley, the publisher, and the authors for this ARC.

This was a very enlightening book surrounding consent which has been a harrowing topic in social justice spaces for quite some time now. I went in thinking all in all, consent was black and white, I’ve come out the other side of this book understanding it’s much more complicated than that. I loved hearing all the different perspectives and this is a book I’ll definitely be recommending to people in social justice spaces of my own.

An excellent collection of essays on consent, Unsafe Words examines what consent looks like outside heteronormative situations. Essays range from the academic to the deeply personal, and are split into two parts. Part one covers consent and what it looks like outside heterosexual norms, in the dark rooms of gay bars and the workplaces of sex workers and the relationships among strangers and intimates. Many essays cover how consent and relationships can work, and how their rules become different, when it comes to their very existence, whether it is queer and/or kinky, being stigmatized for merely existing. Part two covers consent when it is not given, either implicitly or explicitly, and discuss what can be done when sexual harm happens. Many of these essays are difficult to read, but important to understand how we deal with sexual harm, and how we treat victims, is severely lacking.
All the essays are wonderful, informative, and are important to dissect and to understand the complexities of human personal relations.

[Disclaimer: I received a free e-copy of this book from NetGalley in exchange for my honest & unbiased review.]

If half-ratings were possible here, this would probably be closer to a 4.5 star book for me. It was a nuanced and scholarly examination of consent that was thought-provoking and incredibly enjoyable to read, even in the moments when I found it challenging. The fact that it went beyond the “yes means yes” and “no means no” dichotomy was so refreshing; yet it was something that I couldn’t have necessarily expressed that I needed.

Unsafe Words looks at both sexual consent & sexual violence in a structural and systemic way, pointing out the ridiculous optimism inherent in solving these problems through consent-based sex education alone. It asks us just how possible, beneficial, and inclusive the concept of “enthusiastic consent” really is. And as a sex educator, that was uncomfortable to confront at times.

But this book doesn’t just point out the flaws in our current system. It reminds us that we need to dismantle the societal power imbalances that are the root cause of sexual violence. It inspires us through the many ways that Queer folks have already been playing with heteropatriarchal sexual norms for decades. It also allows space for consensual but confusing or uncomfortable sexual encounters.

As a book of individual essays, I of course found some more enjoyable or well-written than others. Such is the nature of an anthology. But the overall focus on consent as this complicated process that we have not yet fully acknowledged - and the call to approach sexual harm from a space of abolition and restorative justice… that was something I will be taking with me in my own work (personal & professional) for years to come.

You leave this one realizing how complicated consent is, and how much thinking about it we need to do.

This was a mixed bag for me, even while I recognize how important a text it is, if only for the multitude of voices represented within. I sort of felt like ... if only the authors had got together and hashed it out, a lot of purported challenges around consent would've been resolved, or at least solutions to try would've been landed on. For example, one obvious way forward for the problem that one cis gay man who loves public sex and doesn't want to give consent (that's part of the gratification of it) even though (if not especially because) it puts him at severe risk (he's now HIV+ etc.) is to simply use a sign on the door. If it's about space rather than individuals, then mark the space. Everyone else is doing it. Then you won't have to complain about a straight Black woman wandering in and the place shutting down (his framing, not mine)

I was also puzzled by how consent and especially "enthusiastic" consent was framed. Looking across the set of essays, it's clear that everyone had a very different take on it. Again, if only they had read and discussed each other's work in advance, a lot of issues would've been weeded out, I feel. My takeaway is that there's no shared understanding of consent, period. Everyone had a different definition, different expectations, and different assumptions. When does it happen? Does it happen throughout? What if it's not "enthusiastic," however that's defined? What if it's nonverbal? What if it's not a contract among individuals but multiple people? What if you don't want to give consent, because that's part of your sexual gratification? etc. Also, I was puzzled by the criticism of and focus on "making consent sexy." Clearly that's a marketing tactic to get people on board, normalize thinking about (if not acting on) consent. Or maybe that's my bias? But there was a lot of discussion in this text about how consent isn't necessarily sexy, or often isn't, and shouldn't be. I just kept feeling that I've missed (or misunderstood) something big on the topic.

All in all, I can't comment on what I think consent is coming out of this. Clearly this topic is the site of many kerfuffles and this volume does little to resolve the fuss. Yet, it's worth reading simply to grasp the sheer array of perspectives, especially those grounded in experiences that are not necessarily white, cis, hetero, etc.

On that note, there was more space for other voices. How about disabled folks? Little people? People outside of the West? People grappling with religion or cultural mores beyond the NA context? Just a thought for volume two.

Aside from the range of perspectives, the quality of the essays varied, as usual for multi-authored volumes. Some authors skimmed the surface, leaning heavily on the social justice vernacular of the present day, rehashing what we already know. Some took a stand, while others were ambivalent or on the fence, or simply stated that they had no alternative model to offer, just a list of things to think about. Out of this, a new term for me was "homonormativity," when cishet norms and values are privileged (perhaps grafted onto) queer communities and interpersonal relationships. I also appreciated this call-out:

"For female, cisgender lesbians, they're easily able, even the TERF amonst them, are easily able to talk about the oppression of being a woman in this world. For a TERF, the gag is that they want to own oppression—you don't want to share oppression. Girl, whatever."

Ha!

What a fascinating and enlightening read. This book gave me much to chew on and is exactly the kind of thing I'm likely to reference in my own conversations with friends and community members.

This book tackles the issue of sexual consent from the perspective of various people who have navigated sexual scenarios that don't fit into the narrative for sex that arose as the ideal during the #MeToo movement (one of a monogamous cis man and cis woman having sex with vocally enthusiastic consent on both sides), arguing that this view on sex and consent is limited and harmful in scope because it leaves unheard stories from people to whom these situations are either not applicable or not desired.

It argues that the simple divide of "yes" or "no" to sexual acts is not as clear-cut as people wish it to be due to the system of complex power dynamics that shape our society -- and that queer people specifically can offer insight into what consent means (and when it applies) more so than the mainstream precisely because they operate outside of society's normal sexual constraints. It also argues that our society's systems in and of themselves, including the ones meant to address the topic of consent and punish sexual offenders, have fundamental flaws to them.

I won't run through each essay individually (there total thirteen, and all are worth reading) but will mention a few of the ones I found most interesting:

Consent in the Dark by Alexander Cheves
Chaves speaks of how his own experiences as a sexual active and promiscuous gay man are fundamentally incompatible with an enthusiastic consent model. He touches on a variety of scenarios and situations in which consent is either assumed waved or done in a non-verbal fashion. He speaks of how his own normal notions of "yes" and "no" don't always match with how he feels during and after sex -- and claims the very notion that people always know themselves and what they want to be faulty, particularly in states of heightened emotion.

The Straight Rules Don't Apply: Lesbian Sexual Ethics by Jane Ward
Ward discusses the ways in which sexual pleasure is tightly tied to gender by our society regardless of the individuals involved and that, because it is set apart from this dynamic, lesbian sex (even when with roles faultily assumed by non-lesbians to match het society's roles like butch/femme) operates under different rules and assumptions: "Much is possible when patriarchy is not the context in which women are being fucked."

My Firsts: On Gaysian Sexual Ethics by James McMaster
McMaster talks about his experiences as a gay Asian man growing up in a culture that prioritizes whiteness and straightness and how the intersection between queerness and race can matter in ways that are difficult to quantify: "Consider this: I'm at Elixir and another gaysian wraps his arms around me. I don't consent to this, but they seem tipsy, friendly, and harmless enough so I giggle and wiggle away. That same night, someone -- I don't see who -- grabs my ass. This act in a straight bar might cross a line, but does it here? Does the race of the grabber matter? Does the fact that I was more flattered than offended make it okay?"

Was I a Teenage Sexual Predator? by Mark S. King
King talks about how he, as a 14-year-old teenager, had sex with adults often double his age because at the time he found it easier than getting boys his own age to do things with him. He talks of how he feels he gave full consent even when he wasn't aware of or thoughtful to the possible consequences. He speaks of how when therapists and other tells him he was sexually abused that he feels abandoned by them because they don't seem to accept his own thoughts and feelings on the matter, leaving him to find his own ways to cope. "I am still puzzled by it all, still unsure whether I belong in the group of adventurers or with the abused. I can't seem to locate my own feelings. I have no judgement or anger or regret or shame. I don't feel much of anything about it. That might be the most troubling of all."

Oppression Was at My Doorstep from Birth: A Conversation on Prison Abolition by Dominique Morgan and Trevor Hoppe
A discussion of the flaws of the US prison system from people who have experienced it firsthand -- and of how concerns within the queer community are often buried or not talked about as they should be due to people unwilling to address issues that do not directly impact themselves. The link between prison reform and the queer community is one not often pushed or acknowledged, so I appreciated this essay greatly.

This review of "Unsafe Words: Queering Consent in the #MeToo Era" was provided in exchange for an advance review copy through NetGalley. Thank you to the publisher and NetGalley for this opportunity.

The honest, comprehensive sexual education on consent that I never received.

This an incredibly powerful collection of essays that detail the challenges of defining consent and the dangers of allowing the state to be in charge of our definitions. This book leans into the messiness and complexity of sexual relationships, especially queer ones, and offers incredibly necessary commentary and insight for the current moment. I highly recommend it as an academic text for those in the WGSS field, and also as a book for people who want to learn more about what consent looks like in practice (not just in theory).

Until I came across this book, I had never had the opportunity to examine how different consent means and functions for queer communities. It's refreshing to read essays that help you better understand that queer sex has been challenging heteronormative norms in sexual interactions since humans walked the Earth, and the #MeToo era, which is heavily focused on heteronormative viewpoints, isn't inclusive enough to cover queer people's fetishes, kinks, and social culture. I also like how diverse the contributions are in terms of format, theme, and subject matter. This variation emphasizes the topic's complexities and reveals that consent is more than just agreeing or saying no, but rather a matter influenced by race, gender, sexuality, and privilege.

Because of the book's recognition of intersectionality and the diversity of personal experiences, I believe it can serve as a resource for those planning to develop a sex education curriculum or workshop. Actually, the anthology can be used as some sort of a guide to sexual consent for all queer people out there, whether you're looking to hook up for the first time, visiting a gay bar with a dark room, becoming a sex worker, or considering trying out fisting.

Among my favorite essays are the following:

Consent in the Dark by Alexander Cheves. This essay tells us that queer spaces can be unique and "for many of us, 'enthusiastic consent' is alien to our sex lives".

Lost in the Dark- Or How I Learned to Queer Consent by Trevor Hope. As an educator, I was intrigued by Hope's view of enthusiastic consent as a "useful teaching tool for young people," despite its disconnect from the reality of queer people.

The Straight Rules Don't Apply by Jane Ward. I'm obsessed with Ward's exploration of the difference between lesbian sex and heterosexual norms on satisfaction. The subject is something that I personally would like to discuss with other people and analyze how this sexual act can be an act of rebellion against patriarchy.

Was I a Teenage Sexual Predator? by Mark S. King. This is an intriguing personal essay that will make you reconsider your views on pedophilia, sexual abuse, and sexual predation. Can a teen force or manipulate an adult into having sex? Who is the victim, and how should we handle these situations?

Thanks to NetGalley and Rutgers University Press for the digital ARC in exchange for this honest review.

Thank you, Rutgers University Press. for allowing me to read Unsafe Words early.

Some essays I liked and some I liked less. The subject, consent, is an important one, though, and therefore I still recommend this book.

Unsafe Words is an anthology of essays surrounding queer people and what consent can be to them. Looking at #MeToo and the white heteropatriarchal focus that it has been given since it went viral in 2017, Unsafe Words showcases a bevy of different viewpoints on how queer people consent. For a long time people have weighed in what does and doesn't constitute consent, but this anthology explores how one size does not fit all. Consent, and what that looks like, can depend on age, race, sexuality, gender, kinks, and the social culture that a person is involved in.

Some contributors provide their personal experiences with consent and what it looks like for them, whereas others provide more factual accounts of consent, referencing other people to back up their ideas. For some people, consent may not be verbal and can be inferred through body language, for others, they have had their boundaries disregarded even when being vocal and have had to alter how to show their consent or lack of to their sexual partners.

I preferred the more personal entries to this anthology and appreciated the different viewpoints. It can be hard to rate an anthology, especially one that discusses ideas which challenge my personal thoughts and opinions, but I enjoyed that it did make me slightly uncomfortable and think differently. It's likely one of the reasons why it was written and is an important read because of that. The mix of different formats, from more factual essays to personal recounts, to interviews, to photo essays was interesting and added to how different people approach such a complex subject. Some contributions I enjoyed more than others, but I can appreciate the merit and necessity for all of them.

I also love how Unsafe Words looked at consent through a queer lens, as usually when consent is discussed it is in how a (cis) woman can say no to a (cis) man and protect herself. Hopefully in the future there will be better sex education and advocating for approaching queer encounters and consent.

There are 13 essays. I liked the ones where the authors shared their experiences. I couldn’t get into the ones that were just telling you what not to do and what to do in regards to sexual encounters. Those essays felt like a self help book. I appreciated when the authors put into perspective what they experienced and how they feel about it now and what they learned. I really enjoyed the discussions around consent. I liked reading about older queer people looking back on their young sexual encounters and not seeing it as what would now be labeled as assault or rape. I like that they acknowledged they desires. They admitted to their tactics and forms of manipulation/coercion they used as a youth. I enjoyed the discussion on being a curvy, black bisexual women with big hair. Shantel Gabriel Buggs talks about all the unsolicited encounters she faced at events. How she “allowed” it because it was “all in good fun” and they were queer and because she understood that the way that she looks garners attention. It was really beautiful how James McMaster put his experience with sexual assault in relation solidarity with fellow Asians. He writes, “sexual scars…meant membership in the most fucked up fraternity.“ and “Duty-bound by racial inheritance, it became our responsibility to pass this information along to anyone who reminded us of our younger, more innocent selves.”

A fantastic and timely collection of essays that discuss the limits of a post #MeToo cultural embrace of an "Enthusiastic Consent" model, drawing on examples from a diverse group of Queer authors and participants to propose that consent in-practice requires more nuance, and is much more complicated than an in-the-moment explicit yes/no discussion. Authors acknowledge the cultural significance of consent discussions following #MeToo, but through their writing and interviews discuss how Queer experiences of consent—many of which spun out of a necessity for secrecy under oppressive systems, both historical and present—can offer a guidepost or examples of more nuanced ways of negotiating consent issues, and how the explicit consent model in some cases causes damage to these communities' spaces and resources.