Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC of this book! This was more like 3.5 stars for the quality of writing, but I love reading first person trans narratives and memoirs so I rounded up. I find gender and sexuality and the myriad expressions thereof to be so compelling. I thought the author was very brave and vulnerable for sharing as much as he did, and I was glad to read about his experience as a trans man.

A short memoir following the authors life as a lesbian, then straight, then gay trans man in the UK. I really enjoyed this. Own Voices stories are always important and this one is no different. Harry’s story is unique yet relatable and touched on many topics and experiences that I hadn’t really thought about. If you are trans or a cis ally this is the perfect read for the upcoming pride month (or any time of the year really)

The conversational narrative tone elevates this beautiful memoir to something like an artistic masterpiece. This is a perfect book for anyone interested to know what it means to be Trans, Gay, and figure all that out before/during/after the pandemic. Obviously because the pandemic is fairly recent, there’s not many books out there (yet) that shares how COVID affected the LGBTQ+ community. It’s an aspect that isn’t talked much (even in person) and that is an aspect I want to see/hear more of. The exposure of ‘Queerness’ is an ongoing thing, and this novel will definitely bring light to elements of the community we don’t visually see or are ignorant of. Harry openly shares his vulnerabilities and its both a hard, flourishing, and accessible story about self-acceptance and identity.

Nicholas uses his experiences as a gay trans man and his journey of self-exploration to discuss the overlaps between gender and sexual identity, how they influence and define one another, and how they are conflated by outsiders looking in. He also identifies ways in which the gay community can feel and actively be exclusionary towards trans people. Although he is writing about difficult experiences and at times moments of hate, the focus is on finding and embracing joy, and what that joy can look like. Nicholas recognises the history that has gone before him but mourns how much of that history has been lost and is inaccessible because societies and governments have prevented gay and transgender people from living public lives and leaving records of those lives. In this way his account is very forward looking, imagining what the future could look like and how much positive change could be achieved. It is well balanced between the personal and the political, both making fun of elements of our culture and directly calling others out. Nicholas is honest, funny and charming, and this is such an easy read.

“For me, transitioning was more about coming home. It was the biggest act of self-care and self-love I have ever been able to give myself.“

A Trans Man Walks Into A Gay Bar is a cracker of a book that is touching, honest and funny; the conversational and often lighthearted tone really makes the authors voice stand out. There are experiences of transphobia and homophobia discussed but this is not a book centred on trauma but one that talks and focuses more on the joy of knowing yourself and finding your community.

I’ve read many stories of gay experiences and many of trans experiences but have seen and read very few books with representation of both and the intersection of identities was both powerful and compelling. The narrative of the authors journey as he grew and saw himself was not just a journey of finding himself but also one of finding a space in a community when it doesn’t always feel that there is an obvious space for you.

Harry is clear at the start and throughout the book that this is his experience as a gay trans man and that there are many other voices and experiences that need to be heard and sought out; he even includes a reading list at the end.

This was an engrossing read that made me not just want to go for a drink with Harry but also reminded me how diverse the experiences of my beautiful LGBTQIA+ community are; I learnt so much from this book and am also inspired to keep seeking out stories from lesser heard voices in the community.

A Trans Man Walks Into A Gay Bar is out tomorrow! Go get it!
Huge thanks to @netgalley for my e-ARC; I can’t wait to get my physical copy tomorrow and add it to my collection.

“I thought maybe I should just try to get on with things, live quietly with my head bowed and behave. Perhaps there would be some queer resistance just in the act of living. But no. If ever there was a time to speak out about the terrain between being gay and trans, it is now.”

3.5 stars rounded down.

This book was fine! First, bear with my general "uh oh should have read the blurb" info. When i looked at this cover before requesting an ARC of it, it looked historical? Like it was about gay trans men from maybe the 80s? The aesthetic just feels specifically archival. But, it is actually a contemporary book. And for me, therein lies the issue.

I just... know a lot of gay and queer trans men right now, and over the last like 25 years. I have talked a LOT to MANY of them about being on apps, being in gay men's spaces that assume cis-ness, about that mid/post transition shift to being into dudes that many people didn't feel in the same way before. So while this may be new or novel content to a lot of people, i felt sort of like, oh, a conventionally attractive 26 year old wants to tell me about dating as if he is the first person who has ever done it? I'm good.

That said! The writing is pretty good, there are some good points made, and for a lot of people this is probably a really valuable perspective. I just read Lou Sullivan's diaries a few months ago and was hoping for something more along those lines generationally. But, i gave it 3.5 stars because i think someone will be really glad to have this.

Thank you to Net Galley for providing me an ARC in exchange for a review

This book may be the best non-fiction book I have read all year. Not only does this feel like an incredibly important subject issue, that is becoming more relevant every day, but the writing style makes it an accessible and enjoyable read.

'A Trans Man Walks Into a Gay Bar' is both an intensely personal account of Harry Nicholas' transition, and a fascinating guide to both trans and gay culture. Nicholas combines personal anecdotes with wider comments on society and the way that transgender people are treated, providing insights into the trans experience both from his perspective and in a wider context, allowing him to explore aspects that he as a white, passing trans man, may not have personally experienced.

Another thing that really drew me to this book and kept me reading was the writing style. It felt almost conversational, as if i could imagine Nicholas telling the stories to me directly, but never came off as flippant or casual. If I had to draw parallels, it reminded me a lot of Juno Dawson's writing in 'Gender Games', and I feel that 'ATMWIaGB' is a must-read for anyone who enjoyed that book as well. Writing in non-fiction books often faces the challenge of drawing readers in despite not following a traditional narrative structure as fiction does, but the combination of the writing style, personal subject matter, and the way the book tracks through the developments in Nicholas' transition really helped to keep me reading - so much so that at points I couldn't put it down.

If you are someone interested in queer British culture, looking to understand more about trans people in both their struggles and joys - and Nicholas does an excellent job of balancing the good and bad - or a trans person looking to find community and representation that is so sorely lacking, then you simply must read this book. If I could give more than five stars I would!

“This is not the body that I was born with; it has been made, created, sculpted. It is intentional. It is magic.”

What an incredible memoir. Honest and frank, it kept me hooked as Harry described his life and the obstacles that he has overcome to get to where he is now. His resilience and vulnerability were so admirable and I was delighted that the book ended with him being able to find some real happiness and feeling comfortable in himself. Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for giving me the opportunity to read this fantastic book.

DNF. Really wanted to love this... perhaps I am just not the right audience. Read more as a personal college essay/an explanatory guide on transness for cis people. The writing was a bit simple and not as personal or intimate as I usually like. That being said., I'm really glad this book exists!

its hard to rate a memoir, especially one as deeply personal as this one, but this was an excellent read. especially in a time where solidarity between lgb people and trans people is waning, learning about someones intersectional experience between those two identities felt really poignant. i think its so important as a cis queer person to learn about how spaces can not always be inclusive for trans and gnc people, and where we as a collective can make change.

it was also so refreshing to see how many of the relationship struggles that the author had that i related to as someone in their 20s as well. the unwritten rules and unspoken thoughts about wanting to have "normal" experiences and be loved were written about with such delicacy and tenderness that was honestly really moving.

i also really liked how the author continually focused on how this was only his experience of being gay and trans, and that there are so many other voices to learn from. the reading list at the end was also a really strong addition to this, showcasing other intersectional experiences and literature. and the fact things were referenced in the book itself was amazing. lets forever stop taking non-fiction books at face value and ask where they got their sources from!!

the fact that this book was made up entirely of vibes and reflections did make it a little hard for me to accurately capture the timeline in my head of his life, and i think definitely could have benefited from either chronological order or a more defined way of establishing the dates of when things were happening.

the author really bared a lot of his soul with this one, and it paid off beautifully. a great read.

I want to thank the author, Harry Nicholas, and Jessica Kingsley Publishers for sending me a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

This memoir is an absolutely essential addition to modern literature. As Nicholas states, there are opportunities to read about gay experiences or trans experiences, but rarely both at once. In the political moment we are living through currently, it is so important to listen to and promote queer voices - especially trans ones.

Nicholas’ different ways of identifying throughout his life offers a multitude of perspectives. This is actually incredibly rare and makes his story even more precious. He makes very clear that there is no one universal trans experience, nor even one universal gay trans experience. He writes consistently eloquently and rightfully celebrates the unique joy that being gay and trans brings to his life.

I think this book offers one of the most powerful counter-arguments to the commonly heralded transphobic view that trans people are just confused homosexuals. After dealing with a pretty vitriolic rant from my own uncle over Easter, where I was accused of being a homophobe (despite him being completely unaware of my sexuality) and a traitor to my own gender (by a man of all people) for supporting trans rights, this book came at a perfect time for me. As a cisgender person, Nicholas’ reflections have given me a higher level of understanding and further ways in which I can defend trans people when I come across anti-trans rhetoric.

I am sure this book must be extremely affirming for those who can see parts of themselves in Nicholas’ story, especially those that are also both gay and trans. Its publication is so necessary for the world right now and will bring about so much good. The author does make a point that society often pressures trans people to tell their personal stories and traumas to be taken seriously. The book offers hope that we will be able to move past this, but for now provides an honest insight into a gay trans man in his 20s just trying to figure out this crazy thing called life.

Nicholas focuses on specific events or periods in his life in each chapter. This format did make the narrative a bit jumpy as it was not chronological. It also became slightly repetitive at points, as many of the threads came back to the same core message at the end of each section. Still the importance of this book makes these into very minor issues in the grand scheme of things.

Do you really want to know where I was April 29th? Speeding through this book in a day. I think it is an absolutely solid debut. Sources are cited properly and Nicholas makes good use of references to trans history and contemporary debates. The author is wise beyond his years at 26 and I can’t wait to see what he does in the future.

Honestly one of the best non-fic books I've picked up in a while. Maybe I'm biased as a queer trans-man but this memoir just hit all the right buttons for me. Harry's nuanced approach to trans-ness and masculinity is so empowering and refreshing. He speaks on how his girlhood shaped him into the man he wanted to be and honestly I resonated so deeply with that. I also really enjoyed that he mentioned how poly relationships are a big part of the queer community.

The memoir focuses on Harry's journey through realizing that he is gay and what that means in a cis-normative society. Incredibly poignant and informative. I learned a lot of UK queer history I never knew about as well!

I wholeheartedly recommend reading this as soon as it's out! I've already pre-ordered for my library and myself!

As a cis queer woman, I am always eager to read LGBTQ+ books - every aspect of the broader queer family's experience is of interest to me. This book caught my eye because I have trans gay male friends, and I wanted to be able to recommend this book to them if it was good.

I am recommending this book not only to the gay transmen I know, but to anyone who is interested in hidden stories within the queer community. As the author illustrates, trans gay men have a special story to tell - gaining the right to enter a closed-off world, but also facing discrimination and pressure from both inside their new community, and those who cannot access it.

Harry Nicholas is young, but he writes with substantial wisdom, informed by the queer history he shares throughout the book. He knows who is to thank for his ability to be an out trans gay man, and he does so by weaving their story through his own.

His memoir is quite personal, though, and is not a self-help or how-to book. His experiences with sex addiction and journeys through clubs and bathhouses will not echo with every reader, but they are interesting nonetheless as the story of a member of our queer family. It is easy to get to know Nicholas through his writing, even as he deals with depression by bedding as many men as possible.

For gay transmen reading this book, there will be moments of familiarity, both joyous and upsetting. For everyone else, I encourage you to explore the life Harry Nicholas has shared with us - as much of it as he has lived so far. If he writes a follow-up in 20 years, I will certainly look for it on bookstore shelves.

Thanks to #NetGalley for the opportunity to read this eARC.

This book explored so many parts of being trans that are often ignored. Especially when questions about sex as a trans person come up harry talks openly about his experiences and fears I loved that. I’m a trans man, I’m very nervous about having sex and I’ve had a lot of questions and I’ve often not gone to the best places to gain answers l, and while Harry’s experience isn’t going to answer them all it was amazing to read and feel seen and like I’m not so alone in being a bit apprehensive or even confused about sex with cis people. Harry’s memoir was much appreciated and needed true raw representation.

This was the book that I have been waiting to read my whole life as a queer trans man. I liked how it had context for non trans readers as well. Thank you so much for this!

e-ARC provided in exchange for an honest review

When I saw this title, I knew I'd be picking it up, whether I was approved for an ARC or not. I am a queer non-binary person, and reading memoirs of other marginalised voices is so important to me. Not just to feel seen/less alone, but also to remember that every member of the queer community has a story to tell, and we are not a monolith but we should lift up and support those around us.

This memoir by Harry Nicholas speaks to this a lot, about intersectionality, about knowing that we will never stop being able to learn from others in our community. It is not as structured as some memoirs, the timeline goes forward and backwards, making it feel conversational in tone.

With the attack on trans people that so many governments are taking part in, this book is so timely and so human, and as Harry mentions, there's so few stories like his published. Yet trans people, trans men, trans women, genderqueer people have always been here. And their stories should be heard and I am so grateful to Harry for sharing his story with me/us.
Two aspects that I particularly enjoyed: a) the emphasis on fluidity of identity (for some) and b) highlighting the downs but very clearly, highlighting the ups.

a) Harry highlights that some trans people, queer people are firm with their identities and they do not acknowledge their previous labels or assigned gender at birth. I found Harry's views on this werelike mine, I had just never been able to put it into words! In their journey to live their life authentically and with joy, they still acknowledge being seen as a different gender, how that shaped them, how being parts of a different part of the queer community shaped them. By acknowledging all of these labels and his lived experiences means he can be the healthiest version of masculinity for him. Because he's seen it from being a girl, a lesbian, a straight man, and now as a proud gay man. This was a really profound way of seeing their current identity and I will be carrying it with me going forward

b) Harry does acknowledge the dire statistics of wellness and violence in the queer community, which needs to be seen to be understood. However, despite the stats, and their own struggles with searching for self-love and self-acceptance in some dark places, Harry does a great job of showing how many parts of the trans experience are relatable to cis people (possibly accidental but it's there) but also showing how the joy that trans people can experience when they are out and supported is so vast. That joy, that gender euphoria, needs to be talked about more. Everyone knows about the dysphoria, the sadness, the pain, but that can't be only thing focused on.

This is a great memoir, and though some of the talking points are repeated a little, I recommend this to trans and cis people alike

4.5 stars

Thank you for this arc.

The author shares his experiences as he goes through life as a gay trans man. I would have loved to consumed this as an audiobook. He expresses many questions around dating, and falling in love again. I think it was a well written memoir. It was also a quick read. I would recommend this to anyone willing to hear Harry's journey.

I have so many quotes saved from this book because a lot of his story is quite like mine. As I am also a gay trans guy I found it very interesting to read another mans story and how they ended up with this identity. Nicholas did get there quite differently though and took a whole lot of different paths than I did. But it especially because of that it was so great for me to read into such an experience of queerness.

I also have a lot of quotes saved because they made me laugh so hard. I absolutely love it when people share the joys of being trans and make jokes about all of the other bits.
Testosterone, being a strong and dominant hormone, gave me, amongst a deeper voice and receding hairline (thanks), a devilishly hairy bush of a body. I am a wlking carpet, basically. I mean really, it should be illegal.
Reading this quite a few days after my partner made the comment while laughing that I'm still getting more hairy, was absolutely hillarious.

I did enjoy his positivity and strength in transness a lot too. This book made me feel quite happy and proud to be trans. Proud to be a part of that community of wonderful people doing all kind of amazing things. A lot of my quotes are parts like that too, to just save a bit of that positivity for later.
This is not the body that I was born with; it has been made, created, sculpted. it is intentional. It is magic.

Sometimes I still struggle a bit with identifying as gay and one worry he put into paper captured one of mine very well.
If I wasn't having anal sex, was I missing a fundamental part of being gay?
This I recognize as I worry I have myself too, and many other points in his journey into being gay were relatable as well. That he has dated women before but still is gay, and many other of those points that come by in the book. It felt reassuring that someone like me in some essential ways, would call himself gay too. It makes it easier for me to do the same.

The way this book ends in such a positive hopeful tone, in the current climate that feels anything but that, was amazing. It was a read that I really need at this moment, and I hope it can give many others that same trans joy too.

4.5⭐ rounded down

Source of book: NetGalley (thank you)
Relevant disclaimers: None
Please note: This review may not be reproduced or quoted, in whole or in part, without explicit consent from the author.

Oh Gawd, I should probably have realised this earlier but … it’s really hard to review memoirs. Not least because it feels perilously close to reviewing a person. Did they lay themselves bare entertainingly enough? Was their life relevant enough to mine to engage me? Power dynamics that become even complex when the person in question is already marginalised compared to you. To say nothing of the fact that we’re at a cultural place right now that seems determined to strip trans people of their voices, their access to medical care, their basic fucking selfhood. In any case—doing my best to put all that aside and talk about the book as a book—this is a timely, engaging, genuinely excellent piece of memoir writing. So much so that I did get close to the end of think and think how in God’s name is this man only twenty-six. Because I was a fucking idiot at twenty-six. And this is incredibly measured, insightful … and kind of, you know. Wise even? How.

Rather than going full David Copperfield—from ‘I am born’ to ‘I am twenty-six’—A Trans Man Walks Into A Gay Bar is rather more thematic: by focusing on particular experiences from the author’s life, it takes the opportunity to discuss them culturally as well as personally. Although I should also say that Nicholas is always careful to emphasise that his experiences are his own, strongly informed by his perspective as a white, relatively affluent, publicly passing binary trans man, and should not be taken as universal.

I honestly feel somewhat inadequate in my attempt to do justice to this book. If you look at almost any review that isn’t mine, you’ll see people talking about how it spoke to them very directly or made them feel seen in a way they hadn’t felt before, or articulated something that they hadn’t quite managed to articulate for themselves. I think it’s those type of responses that speak not only to how necessary this book is—especially right now—but also to how effectively Nicholas communicates his life story, his ideas, and his perspective. For my own part, I found the book intensely moving, as well thought-provoking. Not, I hasten to add, because it’s a trauma narrative. It goes to some fairly dark places with candour and courage, but Nicholas is as articulate when it comes to celebrating trans joy as he is at expressing trans pain:

<blockquote>For me, transitioning was more about coming home. It was the biggest act of self-care and self-love I have ever been able to give myself.</blockquote>

The other aspect of a A Trans Man Walks Into A Gay Bar that I personally found really admirable was the way Nicholas uses his experiences—as a gay man, as a trans man, as a gay trans man, and as someone who once presented as and was perceived differently—to retain a multiplicity of perspectives. This is complicated to talk about because—in the UK at least—there tends to be a singular narrative of transness that is treated as “correct” i.e. that if you’re “really” trans, you must always have known, your aim is for your gender presentation to mimic cis norms as closely as possible, you must experience dysphoria, you must seek medical intervention up to and including surgery, that transition itself means one thing, and that having transitioned anything and everything that happened to you previously becomes either irrelevant or unspeakable.

And obviously some (or all) of these things might be true for some people. But something Nicholas is very open (and eloquent) about is the value all his experiences hold for him, even the negative ones, and even the ones that belong to a part of his life that certain cultural narratives tell him he must abandon or otherwise disavow:

<blockquote>My trans body is meaningful. It is what separates me from being a cisgender man. It means I have a difference and a history that is unlike cisgender men. I wouldn’t be the man I am today if I hadn’t lived 18 years of my life as a woman. I’m proud of my difference. </blockquote>

I can’t—and, frankly, shouldn’t—make claims about whether this book will speak to you. It did, however, speak to me. It spoke to me quite profoundly. Because you don’t have to directly share Nicholas’s identity (or all aspects of his identity) for the things he discusses—queerness, gender, bodies, self-worth, society, love, sex—to be meaningful or relevant to you. In fact, I kind of think maybe if you feel those things *aren’t* meaningful or relevant to you, then you are probably as much in need of this book as the people for whom (some of) Nicholas’s experiences may be directly familiar. The fact is, trans rights are human rights; by demonising, othering or pathologising trans people we are ultimately just harming ourselves. Because, as this book illustrates time and time again, kyriarchy, patriarchy, heteronormativity, gender essentialism, hurt everyone, not equally certainly, but the more we trap ourselves in a society that trammels identity, or rejects the humanity of others, the worse that society becomes for everyone.

<blockquote>I wondered whether this was just what being gay was– trying to find warmth in cold places. Trying to make ourselves comfortable in the little space we have. All squished together in our tiny boxes, looking but not really seeing the people around us. I wondered if we as gay men realized, or cared, that it could be so soulless, or if that was just something we’d had to become accustomed to, or perhaps we hadn’t known anything different.</blockquote>

In his prologue to the book, Nicholas, echoing Shon Faye in The Transgender Issue,
notes the long-standing pressure on trans people to offer their stories to the world in order to have their voices heard. There is an undeniable vulnerability—the sort of vulnerability that always comes with honesty—to A Trans Man Walks Into A Gay Bar. But along with that vulnerability comes strength, conviction, compassion, and insight. I hope someday we can get to a place where we can listen to trans voices without also demanding this kind of vulnerability. For now, though, Nicholas has taken the lessons learned from figuring out how to live his life on his own terms to tell his story on them too.

I really cannot recommend this highly enough.

Here is a beautifully written memoir and I devoured it over 2 days. Thank you NetGalley and the publishers for gifting me this wonderful book