Delighted to highlighted this excellent new biography in “Relationship Reads,” a round-up of new and notable in the Books section of Zoomer magazine. (see column and mini-review at link)

Interesting book.
Thanks to author, publisher and Netgalley for the chance to read this book. While I got the book for free it had no bearings on the rating I gave it.

Yikes. I'm sorry, but this really did not resonate with me. Lenz takes her personal story and extrapolates it out so broadly as to become almost meaningless. It feels more like a personal diatribe (and it may be, though I saw it pitched as a research-based memoir) than anything meant to add value to a larger conversation. It really felt like more editing was needed on this one. I was surprised to see it was a NYT best seller, so maybe it's more that it's hitting me personally the wrong way and resonating with others, but it felt a bit sloppy.

I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say this book should be considered pre-marital reading for any woman considering a cis-het marriage to a man. Lenz is brilliant and this book is an excoriating, important, and timely look at the many ways the institution of marriage fails women in the modern era, and what it means to seek--and find--freedom in ways that fall outside the standard cultural narrative of "first comes love, then comes marriage, then come babies in a baby carriage."

I liked this book so much I immediately recommended it to a friend! It's a great look into Lenz's life and how marriage changed her outlook, and also into how marriage impacts women as a whole. People who love "traditional values" and the idea of women getting married and taking care of all their husband's and household needs will hate this book. But if you are sick of doing all the emotional labor or are actively avoiding putting yourself in those sorts of situations, this book is for you.

There was a lot of good in this book but also a lot of ways that I couldn't identify with it. The idea that her marriage wasn't that bad and that she only chose herself in leaving was hard to swallow as he sounded like a pretty terrible guy actually. I mean, of course she could have chosen to stay... I don't know, it's her story obviously and it's complicated but something was a little something. Also, I quickly become a little suspicious about how much I can connect to an experience when a lot of it is rooted in a strong evangelical background. Overall, would recommend.

As a woman who is getting married, I highly recommend this to any future, current or past bride. Being ashamed of divorce can only hold feminism back. We must embrace it as a tool for women’s happiness and above all, equity.

Thanks to NetGalley for the free ARC of this book. I found this book to be interesting and important. It was also educational. I am a divorced woman in my 30s, not dissimilar from the author of this book, and I identified with a lot of what she wrote. I would recommend it to others, but it did read slowly for me and occasionally felt like a very long op-ed or piece in a women’s magazine.

I could not put this book down. It made me think, it made me so angry, it made me text passages to my group texts and it made me post to Instagram demanding that everyone read it, it made me sad, it made me want to tell my children never to get married, it made me want to be friends with the author, it made me feel so seen, and so oddly hopeful, and I’m just so relieved that this book exists in this world today to tell me that it’s not me after all.

Lyz is one of our great thinkers and writers on women acting in direct and purposeful opposition to the harms of the patriarchy. This incisive look into her experience leaving her oppressive marriage pulls zero punches, which won't surprise readers of her journalism. She examines the impact of marriage on women from a cultural, political, financial, psychological and sociological standpoint -- why marry, how does it affect women in particular, why stay, and, most importantly, why (and in some cases how) to leave. (Conclusion: it's not easy.) I like how she includes a look at women who never marry as another oppressed and judged group in our society — a population that's often left out of studies on this topic.

THIS AMERICAN EX-WIFE: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life by Lyz Lenz, coming out February 20th

First of all, I love the title. NPR nerds unite.

This American Ex-Wife is a scathing indictment of modern American marriage, where women are set up to do and be everything, from cook to maid to primary parent and emotional coach for the entire nuclear family, and personal assistant to a man, with no systemic help. No paid parental leave, no healthcare, childcare increasingly impossible to find while school schedules still exist as if everyone has a parent at home; no village. The Internet will cry "not all men" but Lyz Lenz has the receipts, and she cites all the sources to back it up. It's still a majority. Married women even do more housework and have less free time than single mothers!

Anyway, I found her story very compelling and I applaud her bravery in choosing her own happiness over the martyr myth we are told to want. Especially for coming from a conservative small town Midwestern Evangelical background, where there's only one lifestyle modeled and allowed. It is so hard to break free of something making you unhappy when all of society and religion has been telling you this is the only path you're allowed.

In contrast to my previous non-fiction read, this book is even more stellar. "But You Seemed So Happy: A Marriage, in Pieces and Bits" by Kimberly Harrington has a similar premise: middle aged mom is not happy but reluctant to go against the grain, especially when her husband is "good enough," i.e. not abusive. I thought it would be a funny book about "conscious uncoupling," but it was just sad and depressing. And it had a very unsatisfying, incomplete ending. As in, no resolution at all. They still live together at the end of the book.

To be fair, the husband in This American Ex-wife is definitely an asshole. Not abusive, but not good at all. The first chapter will shock you with his audacity. So in this way I suppose it's easier for Lenz than Harrington to make a clean break and end the marriage unequivocally. But the act of leaving is no less hard. Maybe even harder with her religious upbringing. But she makes her own happy ending.

This book was an incredible gift. As someone who works at the intersection of relationships and gender expectations and American society, this book encapsulated all the fury and shame I hear from women. I highly recommend this engaging memoir to anyone in a relationship, but especially to anyone in a cis-het relationship who is on the fence about where their relationship is headed: this book is a much-needed kick in the right direction. Thank you Crown Publishing for the ARC!

This is such an important, necessary book that I hope awakens unhappily married women to all the world has to offer them. I love the broader message that we should put more emphasis on community and friendships over the narrow ideal of marriage and kids. The author had to end her marriage to achieve equality in that relationship, and I’ve heard from many other women that this is the only way they were able to come up for air. Divorce doesn’t seem easy in the least - it means financial ruin for many women - but there’s a freedom to it that in some cases seems worth the struggle. I love that the author dispels the idea that divorce is selfish and bad for kids. An unhappy home environment is far worse.

I don't read a lot of non-fiction, but I requested this one on NetGalley after a friend told me how excited they were for it. I read it in two days, and it's got some of that annoying diverging storytelling that journalism adores these days, as well as doing irritating white feminist things like forgetting intersectionality exists, but otherwise is a readable combination of memoir, studies, interviews, and reflections on the current state of (primarily white, middle class) marriage, divorce, gender roles, and feminism. Would combine this with Marriage: A History for discussion.

This American Ex-Wife is an interesting look at Lenz's marriage/divorce as well as the cultural expectations around marriage. I really enjoyed learning more about Lenz and her insights but I found the information she presents about divorces and the inequality within marriages on par with tiktok accounts like Laura Danger and Caylee Cresta. With that being said, I liked Lenz's writing style and found myself thinking, "Just a few more pages" before realizing I had read for much longer than planned.

I have long been a fan of Lyz Lenz's writing. She is smart, thoughtful, and really funny. Often when I am reading her, I find myself so jealous of the way she says things that I have felt but have not found a way to articulate. She seamlessly blends reporting of facts and history with personal storytelling. She really is my kind of writer.

This book is one I'll be thinking of for a long time, and buying as gifts for many men and women. So many of us have bought into the idea of marriage as a ROMANCE and as an institution, but is it really all a scam? Lyz looks at marriage, hers as well as the idea of marriage itself, unflinchingly. She movingly tells the story of the end of her marriage to a man who did not make her happy, and eventually became an enemy to her. She also tells stories of people in marriages because they want to stay "for the kids," or because they think being miserable is the norm.

Here's one of my favorite quotations from the book that really showcases what a engaging writer Lyz is: "But even if we go with the low 40 percent number for the likelihood that a marriage will fail, if 40 percent of Honda CR-Vs had engine failures, Honda would issue a recall." AMEN.

This book advocates for personal autonomy and happiness and sexual fulfillment. Anyone who doesn't appreciate those things or want those things for those they love will not enjoy this book, and frankly, I don't care of they read my review. For everyone else, I highly recommend this book.

Thank you NetGalley for the digital ARC of this book in exchange for an honest review.

This book about a woman leaving an unhappy marriage through divorce gave me a lot to think about. First, I feel lucky to be married to my wife. Second, a lot of women have it tough and it is unfair, as the book points out. We can only hope for happiness for the people that deserve it (and most do) and that's all I can hope for Lenz.

I enjoy Lenz’s work, and this is an extended version of her discussions on divorce, which she is very pro. And this delves into the why: the ways heterosexual marriage is often a trap for women, even ones who swear it won’t be. As a memoir this was great - funny and sharp. As a general comment on divorce I’m not sure it was as strong; Lenz does open each chapter with a small anecdote from a different woman, each in varying places in their relationships and willingness to leave, but it falters when trying to move beyond a specific type of relationship and context.

Ultimately Lenz is making some excellent points, and I hope those who need to hear it will read it.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for sharing this read. All opinions are my own.
Full disclosure; I am a big fan of Lyz Lenz and have read her other books.
Question; are married women truly thriving? I recently read Madame Bovary with a book club and our discussion wrapped up by considering in what ways is the modern married woman different than the 19th century protagonist.. Conclusion; marriage can be a trap no matter what century you were born into. And yet; many of us aspire to it! This book, part memoir, part journalism sharing statistics and interviews and analyses, captured my attention from the first page. Ms. Lenz has been open with sharing her personal story for a long time. In This American Ex-Wife, she collects the stories of other women who find some amount of dissatisfaction within a marriage. Alongside books like Fair Play, which suggests that partnered households should find equal distribution of labor, and trad wife TikTok trends which show wealthy women almost cos-playing at being 1050s housewives, or when the mini series Lessons in Chemistry argues "why should we assume he had a longer day that she did"; this book explores a cultural conversation taking place amongst generations of women and partnered people.

I love Lyz Lenz's work and this memoir is I think her best book yet. She takes an unflinching look at herself and marriage and family as well as gender norms linked to marriage in our current culture. There is sadness here but also humor and hope and light.