This is a difficult book to review. I will say, first of all, that I think it handles the heavy subject matter of teen depression and suicide in some ways that I appreciate. It feels honest about the ways in which signs can go unnoticed and the ways that grief affects different people differently, and in the end it models some positive strategies and scripts for how to cope, how to talk about it, and how to seek help.

Unfortunately, I didn't find it enjoyable as fiction at all. The characters felt very stock and oddly middle-aged, in both their dialogues and internal monologues, with nothing to really break them out of their archetypes. The pacing was difficult; very slow with a stop-and-start momentum for the first two thirds of the book and then packed with too many revelations to process at the end. It felt too true to actual life, which does not fit satisfyingly into a narrative, and as a result didn't really work as a narrative with a clear arc.

But I can imagine who the readers are for this book, and I think there are teens for whom the larger messages about grief and relationships would be more valuable than the literary merits. Though it might not be my first pick, I wouldn't hesitate to suggest this to a young adult reader who likes sad stories and is looking for that catharsis.

Bryce, Beatriz, and Santiago grew up together and were inseparable before Santiago moved away and Bryce died by suicide. Three years later, Santiago has moved back in town to discover that Beatriz is the town’s loner and doesn’t want anything to do with him after he ignored all her messages over the years. Over the course of their senior year, they gradually rediscover their friendship and maybe something more.

I’ve really enjoyed Racquel Marie’s first two books, especially her writing and way of capturing the messy, complex nature of being a teenager. This one was no exception and honestly is my favorite of her books. There are a lot of nuances to this book but overall it explores grief and the way it shapes the rest of your life, even when other people have moved on.

I loved all of the characters, especially Santiago’s and Bea’s character arcs. Bea is known as the dead boy’s girlfriend, and she’s honestly just trying to get through life and not worry her mother anymore. Santiago has been living away from everyone, and the town’s grief, having moved to California with his father. Now that he’s back, he can’t help but see Bryce everywhere he goes and has some difficulty reconciling the town and people he remembers from his childhood.

With Santiago back in town, the two of them are forced to navigate their grief together in a way since they can’t really avoid each other in a small town. I loved how they rediscovered their friendship and gradually realized something more, as well as the way they cared and supported each other. Their conversations were also so funny to read; they clearly know each other so well and bring something out in each other that other people don’t, at least anymore.

The side characters were also all very fleshed out. Bea’s mother loves and supports her so much that Bea feels the need to try to be a perfect daughter; similarly, Santiago is very close to his grandfather, whom he’s moved back to take care of. Whitney and Olive, Bryce’s stepsiblings, are also navigating their own grief in their family, with Whitney obviously feeling shut out from how Bea and Santiago feel despite growing up with them all the same.

I could go on and on about this book, but honestly it’s hard to put into words exactly why I loved it. It was just so beautifully written and funny in the right moments, navigating grief and mental illness with the knowledge that you have your whole life in front of you as a teenager. I loved the characters and the character arcs and the writing.

This Is Me Trying was a gorgeously and intricately written book about grief and love and forgiveness. Admittedly, I put off starting this book because I knew it was going to wreck me, and it absolutely did. This was Racquel Marie at her best and I can’t recommend This Is Me Trying enough if you are able to read it.

I must admit I originally requested this book because of the Taylor Swift reference in the title & for the bi-representation but there is so more to this book than that.

This is such a beautiful, touching book about such a serious topic. I love how they handled the topic of grief & how it doesn’t look the same on everyone.

Almost everyone either knows someone who committed suicide or knows someone who knows someone. It’s an unfortunate, depressing fact of life. Another fact of life: everyone grieves differently. When my grandad died, I relied on distraction. I know people who turned to self destruction. Everyone has coping mechanisms, good and bad.

When Bryce Dawson, Greensville, Vermont goofball, commits suicide, it fractures a friend group beyond what feels like repair. Santiago lives a new life in California. Whitney and Olive, siblings of Bryce, quietly mourn. Beatriz, Bryce’s girlfriend, pushes everyone else away and lives in perpetual mourning. They live estranged from each other for various reasons, and cope in different ways. So, when Santiago returns, he has a lukewarm welcome from his past friend group. Whitney and Olive are pleased. But Bea, Bea hates him and everything.

I have extremely mixed opinions about this story. I think some of it stems from the fact that I no longer really enjoy YA. I work with teenagers all day and hearing about more teenage issues at home doesn’t allow me to detach a little before I have to go back into work. (I enjoy my job, but I do like some time away from it.) But another part of it is just confusing.

I will start with the pros. There is a lot of good representation in the book from different mental illnesses to all sorts of sexualities. Even in the small town they live in, they have a lot of diversity which I enjoy. There are also really good poignant moments that the author wrote that I enjoyed. With such a heavy topic like suicide and mental illness, you have to be so careful with it and generally, the author did a good job at that.

However, there are parts of the story that were convoluted that pulled me out of the story. For example, Racquel Marie was pretty vague about relationships at the beginning of the book. I couldn’t tell if Whitney was Bryce’s girlfriend at first, or Bea. And while that’s obviously figured out, the vagueness was a bit frustrating.

To add to that, I couldn’t quite figure out the family dynamic between Whitney, Olive, and Bryce. I know it’s not that big of a deal in the scope of things, but it pulled me out of the story because I was like, “Who’s blood related?” Again, I know it doesn’t matter that much. But when they say Olive looks like Candace or Whitney looks like Candace and/or Bryce, it just throws me off. It just feels muddled and takes away from the story.

Also, Bea is pretty unlikeable. I know that you want to, from a writing standpoint, pick the person who needs to develop the most. It makes the story more enjoyable. But Bea just lived in the perpetual suck and it made it annoying that she was so rude to everyone for no reason because she’s a faux widow. Again, grief is different for everyone. But she was written with a painfully heavy hand. I think that Bea could’ve been written in a very similar way without just being mean. She could’ve easily gone through the same arc if she was just a wallflower.

Also, I feel like it took too long for her to develop. Maybe the rest could be forgiven if her arc started a bit earlier. But she all of the sudden changed at the very end instead.

While I say this, I do think the book is important and I think it could connect to some teenagers. However, this book just isn’t for me.

4.5 stars. This book is an emotional ride and anyone who may find certain topics triggering should check the content warnings. This book has an intense storyline with a finding love subplot that is really believable. All the characters are struggling through the after effects of their friend/brother committing suicide and they're different ways of handling it effect how they grt along. There are secrets that were never shared and growing to be done. Also it's full of supportive adults and we love that. A really powerful story.

Thank you to NetGalley for an eARC in exchange for an honest review!

This was an incredibly gentle and empathetic portrayal of grief. Racquel Marie always does a great job making her characters feel like real people, and Santiago and Beatriz were no different - along with all the side characters.

The pacing started out a little bit slow, but it ended up being a very rewarding journey and one that shouldn't have been rushed. I'm glad I got to read this one early. 4/5.

Bryce, Beatriz, and Santiago were childhood best friends... but after Bryce's suicide, the friendship is shattered, pains and scars are created, and now three years later Beatriz and Santiago must face each other again. Bryce, Beatriz, and Santiago grew up as best friends, with Beatriz and Bryce dating yet Santiago was also in love with Bryce. They were all so close... until one day Bryce and Santiago got into a huge fight and Santiago left... and then things only spiraled further when Bryce commits suicide and leaves them all fractured. Now three years late, Santiago is back in Beatriz's life, after never answer any of her messages, after leaving her alone, after abandoning her... he has moved back in town. Beatriz isn't the same girl he knew, she isn't the best friend he cherished, in fact, she is now goth and refuses to even admit he exists to her. Santiago knows he can't fix what he broke between them yet he can't help but want to try. Santiago hasn't told Beatriz the truth about why he left her, about why he never answered any of her messages for three years, but the more time he spends trying to get to know the new her, the more he finds himself doing the unthinkable, falling for his dead best friend/crush's girlfriend. Beatriz and Santiago have a history filled with friendship, hurt, love, and grief, and now they'll have to find a way to navigate the old hurts as well as face the truth of what happened between them and the grief that they are still dealing with. This was a beautiful story about dealing with grief, about friendship and love, about forgiveness and resilience. I loved the very real portrayal of grief and the way both characters dealt with their own grief. The story was touching and seeing them heal and begin anew was a beautiful thing. I also adored that both the main characters were Bi and that there was so much representation in this. It was a great book and I'd absolutely recommend it.

*Thanks Netgalley and Macmillan Children's Publishing Group | Feiwel & Friends for sending me an arc in exchange for na honest review*

This went beyond. If you need a good cry, then this is the book for you. I want to go ahead and warn that this deals with suicide and mental health.

There are two individuals in this story who are figuring out how to survive a loss. Both knew someone closely who committed suicide. Bea seems to be destroying herself in grief. A loud and often disastrous destruction. Santi is the opposite. Trying to shrink away and possibly disappear.

This book holds a lot of grief, but I found it to be a somewhat cathartic experience. The emotion ran me dry, but the hopeful ending left me feeling clean.

Thank you, Netgalley and Publisher, for this Arc!

If her past two books didn’t already fully cement it, This Is Me Trying has completely and utterly convinced me that Racquel Marie is one of the greatest YA writers of this generation. Teenagers can truly be so unbelievably messy in a way that she perfectly captures every time. This book is incredibly poignant and written with great care, and I’m going to treasure it forever.

4.5 stars
I received an ARC from the publisher via NetGalley and am voluntarily posting a review. All opinions are my own.
I’ve quickly become a Racquel Marie fan due to her prior two books, so I requested her next book without thinking about it. The Taylor Swift reference made it all the more exciting. But once I really processed the premise of This Is Me Trying, I knew I was in for a truly emotional experience, similar to the one the song of the same name explores.
I’ve read a number of books that deal with grief of all kinds, but this book stands out in really going hard in exploring the topics. The loss happens prior to the book’s events, but I love how you see the impact on both the leads, Beatriz and Satiago, who lost their best friend, Bryce (Beatriz and Bryce were also dating). Each has a unique connection with Bryce, and their own reaction to what happened, with Beatriz in particular withdrawing from Santiago and the world and taking on a gothic aesthetic as an outward expression of her feelings of grief and isolation.
Even with the bleakness of their situation, I loved observing Beatriz and Santiago slowly coming back together and opening up to each other again about the things they’ve held back from the other, and helping each other heal. Through it all, I also appreciated that they were allowed to be their messy, flawed selves, fully reckoning with the demons they carried, even in their interactions with each other.
And in a roundabout way, this book helped me to respect the Taylor Swift song even more. It’s always been a song I’ve respected, but it, along with “Illicit Affairs,” were kind of the skips from Folklore for me. I had respect for the themes explored on “This Is Me Trying,” but something about the track itself always had a rather sleepy quality, even more so than some other songs on the album. But this book somehow feels tonally like the song, much slower, yet packing that emotional punch in how it takes its time to explore the complex themes poignantly and sensitively. So, I want to thank Racquel Marie for perfectly understanding the assignment, making me think, and helping me grow as a reader, a Taylor Swift fan, and a person.
I really enjoyed this book, and with the caveat that you check the content warnings before diving in, I recommend checking out this book if you’re interested in a hard-hitting exploration of grief in a romantic contemporary.

<i>Thank you NetGalley for providing me with an e-ARC in exchange for an honest review.</i>

A must-read for any lover of quiet YA contemporaries. I'm not always the biggest fan of alternating POVs, but hearing from both Bea nd Santiago worked so well in this case. I loved the messy characters, the bottled-up feelings, and the constant confusion. This is definitely a slower book, but for a novel about grief, I wouldn't want anything else. Beautiful.

This Is Me Trying is a story about loss, the different ways people grieve, and the impact it can have on your life. Bryce, Beatriz, and Santiago were childhood friends. They were inseparable, until they weren’t. Now Bryce is gone, and Beatriz and Santiago must figure out what their life looks like without him. Both still carry that hurt with them, years later. Their friendship is a thing of the past. When Santiago moves back home, Bea has no interest in letting him back into her life. The two keep finding themselves drawn together, however, each of them holding secrets that could undo their tentative friendship.

Everyone grieves differently, and I feel like This Is Me Trying does a great way of showcasing some of the different coping strategies people use. The story is well written, and with wonderful LGBT+ representation. I had trouble connecting with the characters overall, but the one thing I could feel was the overwhelming desire to connect with someone. I wish we had learned a bit more about Bryce, just to more understand the impact that he had on everyone’s lives. I also would’ve loved more time with Bea and Whitney. Overall, I enjoyed this read, I’m sure many will find representation through it.

This Is Me Trying is out April 16, 2024.

Thanks to Macmillan Children’s Publishing Group and NetGalley for the ARC in exchange for my honest review.

This was a really beautiful story of grief, forgiveness and friendship. Bea and Santiago were such complex characters with their mutual grief over losing their friend, Bea’s anger and self isolation afterwards and Santiago’s OCD and fear of losing anyone else. At times, the writing did seem vague and there were times that I felt like I was dropped into the middle of the story with no context into the characters relationships to each other. I do think a past timeline would have worked wonderfully here to fully flesh out the friend group and their dynamics. However, towards the end, we get a lot more insight and explanation as to what happened. I still think this was a great book and I’m very happy it exists. I will definitely read what Racquel Marie writes next.
CW: mentions of suicide, mental illness, car accident, grief

Thank you to NetGalley and Feiwel & Friends for an advanced digital reader’s copy in exchange for an honest review.

This book deals with life after loss. The author does a tremendous job of being sensitive while also painting a complicated picture with no straight path forward. I found myself rooting for all the characters and wanting to hug them as they each came to terms with grief in their own way. The diverse cast of characters was the cherry on top of this wonderful novel.

I think this was beautifully and delicately done. The author handled a heavy topic with care and created a story with so many relatable feelings and moments. I loved how present Bryce was; he was a main character despite not being an active character in the plot. I also loved how real Beatriz and Santiago were throughout their grief process. They sometimes say and do things I didn’t like or agree with, but I feel like that is so relatable for teenagers who went through trauma. I personally love books on grief because it’s a universal human emotion. We all have to experience grief in some capacity multiple times in our lives, so I feel like books like this are so important. Extra (but more superficial) bonus points for matching the vibes of the Taylor Swift song with the same title.

4 stars

I'm always rooting for Racquel Marie and her novels because as a fellow very local SoCal kid, I want her to succeed, but also, she makes it easy by releasing one hit after another. This one? Well, it's a great book but also another kind of hit: a punch to the gut AND the heart!

It's a devastating fact that rates of suicide and suicidal ideation are way too high in the teen population, so a book like this - while tragic to think about - is also an absolute necessity. Beatriz's (Bea's) guilt over Bryce's death (by suicide) is palpable. There are moments in here that are just heart wrenching, especially when one considers how common situations like this now are. Santiago, who was once close with Bea and is now trying to make a comeback, is resurfacing at a pivotal time. Bea is far enough away from Bryce's death to begin to reevaluate her trajectory, though the pain is still fresh enough to keep her scared of getting close to anyone.

An unexpected connection I couldn't help but make while reading this was to _Reservation Dogs_ because both feature young people trying to make sense of another young person's death by suicide and trying to make sense of themselves and their relationships in a world that features constant opportunities to experience pain. I wish that this was not a consideration in modern life, but as long as it is, I'm glad there are novels like this that focus on the ramifications suicide has for survivors, especially but not exclusively when they are young and impressionable.

I'll definitely recommend this one - with care and TWs - to my students.

Heavy and beautifully written, This Is Me Trying follows two teens as they navigate the loss of their best friend to suicide, and how it has irrevocably changed their lives. This was such an emotional read for me, and at times a little hard to get through, but so beautifully done.

This Is Me Trying tells the story of Beatriz and Santiago, two teenagers left devastated after the suicide of their best friend. The loss affects them differently, and we see just how broken they are in the wake of this devastating loss. Beatriz and Santiago both feel like real, flawed human beings; they are dealing with a horrible situation in the only ways they know how, which are unfortunately often painful and self-destructive.

Having read all of Racquel Marie's previous books, I feel like I expected the usual gang of characters - imperfect but real, loveable people, where even the more minor characters are fleshed out in a way that feels complete. I wasn't expecting to start crying while finishing the book over breakfast, however. The book explores grief and loss, without shying away from the very real harmful coping techniques that many people, especially young people, rely on. However, it also explores love and the many form it takes - familial, romantic, platonic, and the many ways it can defy categorization.

Overall, this was a powerful, honest book. Racquel Marie remains one of my auto-buy/must-read authors.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the ARC!

Wow, this was a gorgeously written novel about grief, mental health, and suicide. Take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself while reading. That's not to say that you should skip this one (if you feel okay enough, please pick this book up!). It is so clear that Racquel Marie took such great care in writing this heavy, but beautifully woven story. I highly recommend it, and deeply appreciated the authentic OCD rep.

It is currently 1am and I am trying to process this beautiful and heartbreaking love letter to grief. This Is Me Trying explores the emotional aftermath after a teenager commits suicide. This book was difficult to read but it truly did such a great job at exploring how grief affects people differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief just is.

Additionally, I need to say that This Is Me Trying has the best OCD representation I have ever seen in a book. Ever. OCD is so misunderstood and people think that it's just liking things to be neat or organized or clean but that couldn't be further from the truth. If you want to understand OCD better and learn how it impacts people, I recommend reading this. I saw so much of myself in Santiago and it made me cry multiple times. OCD is so difficult to live with and it genuinely affects your entire life. It is so exhausting and it makes you feel like you're constantly at war with your own mind. I'm so grateful to the author for depicting this disorder correctly.