Thank you to Feiwel & Friends for the ARC!

I'll be honest, I picked this book up because the title is also a Taylor Swift song.

This one was a hard read. I did enjoy it, though. The discussions around mental illness, depression, and suicide were all so raw and real. I appreciated the honesty of these characters. I appreciated how human they are. While some of their flaws irked me, I was reminded that flaws make us human, and that includes fictional characters that are written to be as human as possible. I tried to have understanding of what these characters were going through, as there is no doubt a real person going through something similar right now. Empathy is something that comes so easily to me and I definitely felt it for these characters. All of them were so imperfect, vivid, and real. I loved watching them grow into better versions of themselves and learn to love themselves with all their flaws. What a great book, full of heart. I loved it.

Also a reminder to please check TW's for this book. It is a heavy read. Don't take that lightly.

I really wanted to like this one. But this book was a little to heavy for me at the moment. I do think this book has an important message. But you have to be in the right headspace to read this one.

This book. This BOOK. It’s a love letter to grief and loss and friendship and the messy and hard parts of life. As someone who has fully embraced grief from devastating loss in the last few years, this book resonated deeply with me. The quote on the front of the book (it’s also in the book) but it hits hard. “The next best life doesn’t exist. There’s just this one.”

Things I loved about this book:
The frank and tough discussions about grief and dealing with it. Every single person handles grief differently and seeing how a group of teens handled it, along with the adults in their life, was eye-opening, haunting, and thought-provoking.
I loved how relatable Bea was in her grief.
Santi had my heart melting. I can imagine how tough it was for him, especially as you find out more about him throughout the book.
The whole friendship group in particular was very strong.
The support and love from Santi’s abuelo and Bea’s mom.
Ouch - the way teens can really get those feelings going and dig into each other to hurt in the deepest way they know how. It’s a reminder of how strong emotions can be and how volatile they can feel.
Bea and Santi’s sweet love story buoyed by their experiences together and apart.
Really proud of Bea 😭.
That incredibly thoughtful ending.

I fully recommend grabbing this one on release day. Here’s some quotes to entice you:

“The sentence feels incomplete, and yet nothing has better captured the feeling. So we sit with it, grief bouncing off the empty halls.”

“Instead, kissing him is like a sigh. It’s coming up for air, catching a drop of rain on your tongue, earnest singing, effortless brushstrokes.”

“The bitter truth is my grief will probably always be a little earth-shattering, and I think that might be okay.”

Thank you NetGalley and the publisher for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.

this is me trying is an incredible exploration of grief and the cans of worms grief can open. this book stole my heart, stomped on it a few times and welded it back together. all the characters were interesting and complex in their own way but i really fell in love with the two main characters, Beatriz and Santiago. they aren't perfect and make plenty of mistakes, but they come across as very believable human mistakes and not like they were just stuck in to keep the plot going. also really appreciated the ocd rep and while i can't speak for everyone with ocd, i really saw my own experiences in Santi's struggles.

First things first: Feiwel, MacKids, Macmillan, are you listening? Racquel Marie deserves star treatment. This not-really-humble bookseller would love to see her become one of your A-list authors because she's bringing more to the table in her third novel than some authors do in their entire careers.

THIS IS ME TRYING is a staggering novel that approaches its characters with the care and complexity they deserve. Marie's treatment of grief, anxiety, depression, and PTSD is thoughtful and nuanced, as Santiago and Beatriz (and, no less complexly, Whitney) attempt to make sense of their senior year, suddenly thrust back into one another's orbits and incredibly aware of the gaping loss of their best friend Bryce, who should be graduating with them but is instead forever halted at fourteen. I've truly never seen suicide (and teen suicide specifically) handled so intentionally and with such grace. We never learn the method of Bryce's death--and the characters themselves don't know, either--and there are no gratuitous depictions of violence or suicide ideation. Instead, Marie focuses her time on untangling the messy web of guilt and grief that Beatriz and Santiago find themselves mired in, years after Bryce's loss. Bryce's death means something different to each character, just as each character reads into everyone else's grief; Beatriz and Santiago work through their grief separately and together, with fingertips and with fists, straining under its messy tendency to pull in all of their other worries, fears, and hurts.

The *RELATIONSHIPS* in this book, my god. Bea and Santi, of course, have just the most beautiful, complicated friendship and burgeoning will-they-won't-they-can-they-should-they romance. Marie is particularly skilled at working through the layers of a complicated decade-long friendship. After three years apart, it's easy for them to slip into old jokes and well-worn dynamics, but when the past is as jagged as theirs, that sort of nostalgia also hurts. Does it hurt less than disclosing all that happened in each other's absence? Definitely, especially when those years are full of things they'd each like to forget. The family relationships, community relationships, and larger-friend-group dynamics are absolute perfection. I could cry just thinking about perfect Abuelo.

I absolutely sank into this book and loved these characters like they were my own children. I want to hand this book to anyone who says YA literature isn't as nuanced or complex or stylistically developed as 'adult' literature. THIS IS ME TRYING sings on every level. I was a huge fan of OPHELIA AFTER ALL, but here, Racquel Marie has grown by leaps and bounds. A star on the rise, for sure!

*happy (but also a little sad) sigh*

Racquel Marie is one of my favorite authors. I absolutely adored OPHELIA AFTER ALL and devoured YOU DON'T HAVE A SHOT, so when I saw that THIS IS ME TRYING was coming up next, I couldn't wait to read it.

Unfortunately, something very similar to this book has happened in my life, and I was a little bit unsure how Racquel would approach the topic of teenage suicide. The title of the book really sums it up: all of the characters — from Bea and Santiago and Whitney to their parents and grandparents — they are all trying to cope and *live* after what happened. They are messy teens and messy adults trying their best when all they believe is that they're failing again and again.

I really appreciated how THIS IS ME TRYING explores grief. Because grief doesn't just end after a tragedy; it stay with you, regardless of whether it's been three days, three months, or three years. As the characters start to understand and begin a more sure journey of healing, grief never goes away — it just changes.

Give me all the Racquel Marie books and I'd send you my therapy bills!

Third time reading a book from the author and it still made me cry.

Updated list: Ophelia, This is me trying, YDHAS!

RATING: 5million meteorites

I knew going into this book that it would be emotional and that was definitely true. But the incredibly difficult storyline was also so beautifully written and handled.

This book was about not only grief from losing a loved one to suicide but about guilt. Guilt for not doing more beforehand. Guilt for being alive. Guilt for finding any happiness after the fact. And trying to find a way to be okay with all of it. These characters lost a childhood love, a best friend, a sibling, a child, among other losses of husbands and fathers. And in such a tragic way. Losing someone to suicide is a whole different monster to most other causes because you can put the blame on yourself for things actually outside of your control. Being able to see so many different ways these characters handled their grief was really enlightening and shows how no two journeys are the same.

Beyond the main storyline, the romance was also believable. I was worried it would either be a “I actually loved you forever and was jealous before” or too much of a trauma bond situation but it was neither. It was a slow burn and it was sweet.

Thank you NetGalley and the publisher for this ARC!

4.5 stars

Bryce, Beatriz, and Santiago were the best of friends growing up. But when Santiago moved away, their friendship sort of just fell apart. Now, three years later, Bryce is gone and Santiago is moving back into town. But Beatriz doesn’t want anything to do with him. Instead, she chooses to deal with Bryce’s death by suicide all on her own.

Eventually drawn together by circumstances and their own history, Beatriz and Santiago realize that maybe they need each other to move forward. Together, they navigate grief, mental illness, what it means to forgive, and the possibility of eventually moving on.

Thanks to NetGalley and Feiwel & Friends for an advanced copy of This Is Me Trying by Racquel Marie to review! This book is definitely an emotional read, diving deep into grief and mental illness. The characters are the star in this, as the plot is much quieter. This allows the reader to focus on the emotions and the experiences of Beatriz and Santiago.

Marie does some really excellent character work overall in this book, and not just with our leads. We get glimpses into what Bryce was like when he was alive, and how much Beatriz struggled to help him. Bryce’s siblings also play a major role in Beatriz and Santiago’s lives, all dealing with grief in their own ways. The variety of characters shows readers that there is no one specific way to grieve. Especially when intertwined with mental illness.

Despite the underlying tones of sadness and despair, there’s also an element of hope. Santiago and Beatriz both feel guilty for Bryce’s death for different reasons. And it’s through them reconnecting they’re finally able to start to work through those complex emotions. Leaving the reader hopeful for the future.

All in all, this is a beautifully done look at mental illness and grief and the way that those can intertwine. You might have to be in the right mindset to read it, but it is well worth it.

Racquel Marie usually brings me in with her complex, fleshed-out characters. Everyone feels so real. Which makes this heart wrenching, aching book all the more impactful. You feel for these characters and you feel their grief right along with them. The writing is a perfect blend of accessible and beautiful. I think this has the potential to be up there as a Fault in Our Stars sort of good YA cry book that just reminds you of the beauty in the hardest moments.

Racquel Marie's aching tour-de-force of a novel tells a story of grief and hope that you can't help but get enveloped in. The characters feel tangible, just like your tears will be. Cannot recommend enough.

I'm gonna need 7-10 business days to recover 🫶🏻😭
This book tackles grief, suicide, mental illness, queer loneliness, self isolation and so many other things and it stabbed me right in the chest. Like.. why you gotta hurt my feelings like this.
Grief is a really difficult emotion, and it looks different on everyone, but I resonated with Santiago and Bea in a lot of ways. It's really lonely and isolating, and when Bryce dies, the friend group sort of drifts apart. All of them try to figure out how to put their lives back together, and Santiago straight up dipped and left the state lol. It's soul crushing losing a loved one in this way, and having lost someone in my own life to suicide, I think it conveyed it in a respectful way.
This book is emotional and hard to read but it's so important to talk about this stuff.
This book tackles the after effects of suicide in ways 13 reasons why (show and book) could never, and it did it SO MUCH BETTER. I absolutely adore this book so much.
If you're ever feeling like you're better off dead, I promise you aren't. You are so loved. It's dark and it's lonely in the world but this world is better with you in it.

Do you ever have a book you're excited about, but when you finally read it you were underwhelmed? That's me with This Is Me Trying.

I came for the concept, and that did not disappoint. This book is about the little things. It's about finding yourself without someone you loved. It's about coming home and realizing nothing is the same. It's about life.

I love the concept, but I was let down by the characters.

This book is character-driven, which is unfortunate considering how unlikeable I found the main characters.

Beatriz is mean in her grief. I cannot judge her response; I have never experienced a loss like this. That being said, she lashes out at everyone, then looks to those same people for validation. I found it hard to be on her side.

As for Santiago, he needs to decide what he wants. Santiago is being used by everyone. It takes him so long to do something about it. I saw another reviewer call him a 'doormat'. I think that's an accurate assessment.

Because I disliked the characters, I could not thoroughly enjoy this book.

That being said, I would still recommend This Is Me Trying. The cover is gorgeous, the book is incredibly well-written, and the lgbt+ representation is so strong. To anyone looking for an amazing YA novel with mental health representation: this one's for you.

Bottom line: Have tissues on hand.

One thing you should know about me is that I love exploring mental health in young adult books. I think it is one of my favorite sub-genres in fiction so this book was right up my alley. I was hooked from the beginning because what do you mean that two estranged best friends who haven't spoken in three years (one of which even moved across the COUNTRY) are suddenly going to the same school again, the one of the last places their deceased friend was with them, and now they have figure out what this means for them?! There was realness in all of the characters, no matter how small of a role they played. You get to see so many relationships, not just romantic but also platonic and familial, in wonderful detail. Bea and Santi coming back together slowly but surely reminded me how much the people in our lives can dictate how much of ourselves we feel comfortable showing to the world. There is something for everybody in this book.

Thank you to the publisher, author, and NetGalley for providing me with an ARC in exchange for my honest rating and review.

5/5

CW: Death by suicide (off page), OCD behaviors (on page), panic attacks (on page)

In the interest of full disclosure, I must admit that this is one of my very favorite YA authors, but WOWOWOW, she has done it again!!!! This is very different from her previous two novels, but it is incredible. The book handles the aftermath of the loss of a friend/boyfriend/brother after he dies by suicide. The way the grief is explored through so many different lenses is truly beautiful to get so many different perspectives.

This book really hurt me (in the best way possible) because I absolutely felt for each of the characters - especially Bea and Santiago, as those are the two characters whose points of views we jump between. The growth and development of these two is a beautiful thing to watch.

This was a heavy and difficult book to read, but I’m so glad I did. There were so many beautiful messages about grief and moving on while still carrying the memories of the past.

This was my favorite book of 2023. I don't think I'll ever stop thinking about it. I've read everything Racquel has published so far and it's easy to say that she's probably my favorite author. So you know I was excited about this. And somehow she exceeded my expectations, like she always does.
This book was so breathtaking. Racquel manages to write complex characters, with complex dynamics and relationships, and she does it astoundingly well. The book tackles some very heavy topics, but it is a very truthful and honest depiction of them. Every aspect of this book is well developed and explored.
There are so many things I want to talk about, but I'll try to be brief. I’ll start with the main characters, Beatriz and Santiago. I felt a lot for them. From the first page it was easy to connect with them and their emotions. This book talks a lot about grief. The pain of losing a partner, a friend or a family member, I think that exploration of grief that we can see in so many different ways, the way people cope with it and the way it affects personal relationships, feels so real and so intricate. The mosaic of emotions that the author managed to convey was amazing. I spent like half the book crying.
The relationships we read about were also part of this very layered story. Both main characters have complicated families in different ways. I really saw myself in the relationship that Bea has with her mom, the feelings that come with having a young parent. but I think I related more to Santi, I identified with a lot of what he was feeling, the realizations and memories he had throughout the story, not only about his family but also about himself. I saw a lot of myself spread across these characters, but also a lot of other things that were unique to them. Santi has OCD, and although it is not the most relevant point throughout the story, we do get to see how it affects him, which I thought adds another layer. I can't speak about the representation itself, but as far as I know, it was addressed appropriately.
Friendship is another thing we get to explore. First, the friendship between Bea and Santi in the present, how they reconnect and reconcile their past versions with the new ones. Also the friendship they had with Bryce and the bond that shapes much of the present we see. Their memories, their stories, and the echoes of Bryce are always there. The complicated history and events that occurred after his death are also shown with Bryce's siblings, Whitney and Olive, who we meet through current events and their connection to the past.
The book addresses topics of grief, mental health, healing, family and friendship. There are many things I still want to say but I don't know exactly how to put them into words. Don't read this book if you don't want to think, because I've been thinking Thoughts since I read it. I guess it made me reflect on a lot of things and feelings I've had. I know this is a story that will stay close to my heart for a long, long time. It's somehow devastating in its contents, but also hopeful in the way it examines all of these themes and creates a poignant and moving conclusion for the characters.
Please check the content warnings before reading, but this is a story I highly recommend.

Content warnings: grief, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, morbid ideation, mentions of suicide, death of a parent (off page), mentions of car accidents.

Thank you to NetGalley and Macmillan for providing me with a galley of this title. This Is Me Trying by Racquel Marie follows two teens navigating grief during their senior year of high school. This is one of the best books about grief I have ever read. I was just blown away the whole book. It made me feel like I was a high schooler again, just trying to figure out life and the world. The characters were complex and flawed, and their realistic characterization drew me into the book. I cannot recommend this book enough. I also appreciated the note from the author at the beginning with content warnings due to the book's sensitive subject matter. It helped me feel ready to read, and I wish this was standard for all books. 5 stars, check it out!!

Bea has been barely coping since her boyfriend Bryce committed suicide, and now her old friend Santiago is back in town. Santi left a few years ago and never acknowledged any of the messages about Bryce. In alternating chapters, each of them begins the slow process of healing from grief.

While I struggled a bit differentiating the two voices, the relationship between these two unfolded in a realistic way. The effects of Bryce's death is felt in many ways, with Bea withdrawing from her friends and adopting a goth look, and Santiago pretending it never happened. There were a number of things withheld from each other and issues in the past that must be aired before real healing can begin. There's some lovely writing in here and overall it's a heartfelt story.

Heartbreakingly beautiful. High school senior Beatriz is still grieving the death of her boyfriend Bryce, who died from suicide, when her old friend Santiago, who was also best friends with Bryce, moves back to town. Having Santi in Beatriz's life again brings up old feelings and unearths heartbreaking secrets that two grieving friends have tried to protect each other from for years. As the ice between them thaws, something else begins to bloom. Racquel Marie is such a talent. This novel is beautifully and sensitively crafted. Just stunning. Read this book.

If I wasn't on antidepressants that make it a lot harder for me to cry, I would have sobbed throughout the entire book, but especially the ending.

I am a longtime fan of Racquel Marie so I was beyond excited when I got approved for this arc.
Racquel has handled grief and tougher topics before but THIS IS ME TRYING is a headfirst dive into grief, even years after the death of our main characters best friend died by suicide. It's their senior year and Santiago just moved back to town and Beatriz does not know how to handle it.

It's really hard for me to find the words to talk about this book because it feels as if Racquel Marie took them all to write this perfect novel. I struggled to get through it because of emotions but I also couldn't look away. The last 15% was one of the best things that I have read in YA in a long time. Racquel Marie has already won my literary heart, but this book will put her on the map for mind-blowing and heartbreaking young adult fiction.

‘It’s hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound
It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you
You're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town
And I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying’

Lyrics by Taylor Swift

Grief. Hurt. Guilt. We all deal with it differently. We’re all trying. To cope. To stop the pain. To go on. But what do you do when your boyfriend commits suicide? Or your former best friend?

‘Bryce, smiling, laughing, joking. A boy who was never allowed to be sad, which didn’t make his sadness disappear—it just made it invisible.’

Bea lashes out in anger, is a bitch, and pushes away her real self. She has literally stripped herself of beauty, shaved off her hair, and then covered herself up with thick placards of make-up and donned a black uniform. All to protect herself and not let others in, isolating herself from everyone and everything, not making room for the pain others have too.

Santi’s grief is less palpable. A boy who thinks he can grow without water or sunshine, his heartache is a quiet one, with hardly any visible wrinkles. His grief is buried away in a bottomless sea until the water begins to ripple on the surface. A boy who wants to love and to be loved, so alone at times, and lost the one person in the world he loved the most, his best friend.

So, this story is about Santi and Bea trying. Both hurting so much and at the same time trying to cope with their mental health issues—Bea having panic attacks no one knows about, Santi having OCD no one knows about either.

It took me some chapters to feel this story. But maybe this was me trying to keep my emotions at bay because I knew beforehand this story would hurt tremendously. So I read on and on until the lumps in my throat suddenly arrived, and a tear slipped from my eyes. My chest contracted, and my stomach tumbled upside down. In just one second, this book hit me and left a crater in my heart.

This is Me Trying is not only sad and devastating. It’s hopeful, too. Two teens trying to give way to their grief, trying to let go of the guilt, trying to figure out their feelings for each other, and finding the key to that place where they start living again.

Racquel Marie crafted a beautiful story of love, loss, and hope, and I urge you to read this book!