"…On any given day I am completely content, comfortable, and happy in my life and my relationship. On any given day I am two steps from the door…"

I love reading books written by thoughtful women who question and delve into serious topics regarding relationships, sexuality, and the many myriad forms of feminism. This book was no exception.

"…when I log onto social media, I see those I love doing things I love without me and I become envious of all the lives I’m not living in this moment…I see them drink the tea I love without me. I see them walking on my beach, toes in my Pacific sand, sitting on logs that I love surrounded by my trees. I want to be everyone at the same time…"

The book is basically a daily journal. And it is well-written and very interesting until a bit later in the book when the focus seems to rely on the many dreams the author has. I enjoy the work much more when the journal remains focussed on what is currently demanding her attention at the moment or what is likely being demanded of her heart. Not so enamored with the later dreamscape journaling and her attempts at figuring them out, or even descriptions of them that I suspect even matter. Simply, just too many.

"…I like to imagine that when I run into the men I have slept with that they see me as I was while fucking them, in the moments where I was my actual self, a wild sexual being, liberated by the act of sex, free from the bounds of my societal skin…"

Our sexuality and the relationships entered into are so important. And the benefits of a long accomplishment toward intimacy and all that it means is exceedingly satisfying. So much so that we always want more. And that is a good thing and another great way to feel grateful as well as lucky.

"…I’ve been thinking about the way we grow old. About the loss of something, the loss of everything, while also changing, shifting, gaining. A friend from elementary school posted a picture of herself in a bathing suit. She said something about her having lost her ability to see herself as sexy or desirous. She has lost the intimacy of being intimate with her own body…I want to remember what it was like to feel vibrant in my own body. Is this something that is normal for our age?"

Our life’s work begins every morning when we wake up and realize that today is the youngest we’ll ever be again. Time to get up and on with what makes us tick. And loving somebody in conjunction with being loved is a fine way to start. Being vulnerable, placing yourself into jeopardy, and being willing to experiment and open to a partner’s crazy ideas is a surefire way to kickstart any typical day. The honesty and vulnerability Shilo Niziolek has displayed on the page is commendable. And because of it, she is a writer certainly worth reading.

"…It’s difficult to write nonfiction as a practice. It’s nearly impossible to write it when you aren’t living honestly to begin with. Authenticity is the key to life, and life is the key to reach the words and the words are a key to…What are words the key to?

…I’m terrified this book will get picked up and my life will implode.

I’m terrified this book will get picked up and my life won’t implode…"

A riveting and often poignant series of meditations on the nature of desire and how it manifests in our lives. How we are drawn to those who hurt us, and who provide us comfort. A memory of wanting in all of its complexities.

I don't think I have the capability to describe how much I loved reading this.

I was instantly drawn into the memoir/essay collection and honestly shocked when, two hours later, I tapped my screen and what greeted me was the acknowledgments page and not more beautiful writing.

I want to knit Niziolek's prose into a scarf, cocoon it around my neck, and carry it around with me. Really some of the most stunning, fervent writing I've read recently. Loved the non-linear narrative, the descriptions of dreams, and the slow inching ahead on the healing path. Loved the ending (even though I had to go back and read it slowly and force myself to understand that this is the end). I'll definitely be checking out more of the author's writing. At the moment, I'm still reeling a bit from flurry of emotions that "Fever" ignited within me and looking forward to a deep reflection in my journal about love, aging, sexuality, desire, and pain.

I highly recommend this book. Please read the trigger warnings before reading though.

A very huge thank you to NetGalley and Querencia Press for the eARC of this brilliant memoir. All thoughts were my own.