Reading challenge category - 2022 52 Book Club: Recommended by a favorite author (Lori Gottlieb and Jen Gunter)

Thank you to #NetGalley for the ARC ebook of this work.

Due to the nature of this content, I will give a vague review of this book. It's the first work I've read by Emily Nagoski. I appreciate her writing style of incorporating scientific language and research with real-life examples and layman's terms of things. It makes it very readable for many people. Each chapter also has a TLDR section at the end that is a nice recap and/or a good overview if you have skimmed or if that chapter is not relevant to you.

There were some things that were quite repetitive and the last chapter felt out of place, which is my reasoning for subtracting a star. Overall, a good read and reminder of things for a personal/sexual relationship.

Emily Nagoski's newest book Come Together is incredibly inclusive and incredibly honest. It is packed with loads of sex positive examples and advice for couples of all kinds. No matter who you are, you're going to glean some interesting insight or idea from this book, I'd almost guarantee it. Highly recommended!

After researching women's sexuality, Dr. Nagoski has moved on to evaluate the role of sex in long-term relationships. There are many myths regarding desire over the course of relationships, the obstacles that are inevitable, and that enjoyment lessens over time. This is not actually true, and this book points out ways to overcome the destructive myths that are perpetuated.

"Spontaneous desire" doesn't fuel a love life that spans decades. There are helpful ways to discuss desire or lack thereof, and it can be hard to understand that without taking it personally. Partners in a relationship don't always understand their own emotional needs, let alone that of their partner. This makes it harder to mesh well, especially when there are conflicts outside the relationship adding stress. It's something that everyone deals with, especially with busy lives; in the introduction, we see how that affected Emily Nagoski herself.

Part one of the book goes through the concepts of pleasure and understanding the self, and part two is more of a step-by-step guide to apply to your relationship. This makes sense: you have to know what you want, what role sex plays in your life and concepts of a relationship, and what stops you from having sex before you can figure out what needs to be fixed. Yet everyone usually thinks of simply adding in more to "save" a relationship, and making it a chore kills the mood. I love the analogy of the emotions creating a house, with different access points to each other. This means there's no stigma to how you feel about things, or how your individual experiences have linked emotional responses. Each chapter has questions to help you think and consider the concepts, especially when thinking about this is new. It's okay if it feels weird! But they help you get a deeper understanding of your emotions and how they're linked, which is the important part.

Definitely go through part one before diving into part two, as tempting as it is to skip. Even if you know yourself pretty well, it's still a good idea to really think about the early chapters before going to the actionable ones. The actions, after all, deal with emotions and communication skills in various situations that can arise in long-term relationships. Putting this into practice may be tough, but it might be worth the effort.

Thank you so much to the publisher for sending me this book. It has been such a wonderful, healing experience, reading Come Together by Emily Nagoski.

If you've ever wanted to go to sex therapy but felt weird about going to sex therapy, this book is for you. Unlike her other books, this one focuses specifically on sex in a long-term relationship. It was so validating and healing to hear her debunk the "keep the spark alive" myth--which says to have a healthy sex life, you need to try to stay in that excited, honeymoon phase. It's exhausting and just not possible. To hear her say that the single most common reason for couples needing therapy is mismatched desire made our experience suddenly not so isolating.

I cannot say enough good things about this book. It's conversational and compassionate, the perfect blend of intellectual education and practical application. My husband and I are now rereading it and working through the "assignments" together, learning to center pleasure over desire, and figuring out our emotional floorplans.

If you loved Come As You Are and are in a long-term partnership (or want to be in a long term partnership!), this book is an invaluable resource. I'm so glad it's out in the world. T

Embarking on an intimate odyssey, Emily intertwines the emotional tapestry of sexuality and desire with an exploration of the intricate neuroscience behind our most profound connections—a journey that promises both enlightenment and a deeper understanding of the human experience.

I read and absolutely adored the previous book Come As You Are. I’d give that book 10 stars. With how impactful it was on my life, I was so excited to receive an ARC of this new release. However, I would say this book is an extension of the first. The narrative was stagnant, presenting the same ideas repeatedly, resulting in a lackluster and uninspired reading experience.

3.5 stars, rounded up. This book was extremely helpful for me, but I think it might be a bit basic for others! Depends on where you and your long term partner are at, either together or separately.

Nagoski does a great job of simplifying something as complex and sometimes intimidating as sexuality, and she really makes you think about where you currently are. She has some great tips on how to examine how you relate to your sexuality, and when it does and does not come into play.

My biggest critique is that this book feels a little surface level, and I think that's because the topic as a whole is complex. She has a chapter on trauma, but it feels like it could be a book on its own. She doesn't seem to get into the nitty-gritty of things, and I think that will disappoint some people. This book is meant for someone who is just starting to think critically about how they relate to their sexuality in their relationship, and its a great starting point.

Thank you to Ballantine Books and NetGalley for an ARC in exchange for an honest review!

I enjoyed Nagoski's first book much more than this one. There is good information here, but my expectations may not have been accurate.

An excellent book about long-term relationships and sexuality. Very approachable. Easy to consume. Great ideas. Excellent overall book.

A little above high school students, but would recommend to my married friends. Lots of practical and solid advice. The importance of listening to your partner, how to take out the “chore” aspect as responsibilities pile up, and a reminder that “skills” in the bedroom come from knowing and learning your partner rather than assuming. I received an advance review copy for free via Netgalley (THANK YOU) and I am leaving this review voluntarily.

Come Together by Emily Nagoski, PhD

Published: January 30, 2024
Ballantine Books
Genre: Sexuality
Pages: 356
KKECReads Rating: 4/5
I received a copy of this book for free, and I leave my review voluntarily.

I haven’t read Emily’s first book, but I might have to add it to the TBR. The dedication and passion that went into bringing this to life is apparent from page 1.

This book will mean different things to different people and connect where applicable. I liked Emily's conversational style and the way she speaks so her readers will understand.

This is not a book you dive into and read straight through. There were many moments when I had to stop to marinate with the information. I like it when a book makes me think, and this makes me think.

My perspective is different, as I am not in a relationship. But the advice throughout this text will absolutely serve as a guide in the future. I love that the overtones were strongly infused with trust, communication, and being attentive to your partner in more than just the physical. But also the physical.

The examples and anecdotes were well placed, and I find myself wanting to discuss this book with others who have read it. I would love to hear what couples have to say.

i read emily nagoski’s first book “come as you are” a few years back and was excited to see this one billed as the follow-up. i thought this was a good read, full of interesting tidbits on mental and emotional states, adaptability, and relationships in the context of everyday life. 4 stars because i thought the first half was a bit of a slog at times and the vignettes of certain couples’ “conversations” were cheesy as hell more often than not. overall solid read though!

thanks to netgalley and the author for an ARC in exchange for my honest review!

Thank you again to the publishers and Netgalley for the early review copy. This is my first venture into Dr. Nagoski's work after knowing of her from Come As You Are. In the end, I don't think I was the audience for this book--many of the truisms she shares throughout the book are ones I did not need to be reiterated to me, although I can definitely see how her presentation of them would be revelatory for the right person. The ending especially faltered for me after we hit the gender chapter. I did walk away with some nuggets to consider though and would be interested in reading more from her in the future.

I feel seen! This book is speaking to me and helping me answer questions and work on myself. What a great way to start the new year. I've delved into Emily Nagoski's first book Come As You Are as well.

This is an okay book. I feel like I learned something new, and there’s some helpful advice here and there, but some parts are just too long and not very helpful. I like that all chapters end with a tl;dr section summarizing the main topics - that was helpful for those less interesting chapters. Overall, I think is worth a read, and particularly if you can get your partner to read it as well.

As a Sexuality Educator with a focus in Asexuality I was thrilled with the inclusiveness of this book and how Emily made space for people to just not want sex and to have different ways of accessing pleasure and arousal. When social scripts around sex often mandate a level of desire or attraction it can be very difficult to envision a relationship that doesn't follow those scripts. This book explores different ways couples may connect and access pleasure and joy in their relationships and how to move into a space of shared sexual connection for those who find such connection fulfilling. This book is sure to be the go-to guide for people in long term relationships who want to prioritize shared pleasure without the pressure of performance or obligatory sex.

Great info and advice! I appreciate that a rarely talked about subject was given the spotlight in this book. Great for couples and having conversations.

Thank you NetGalley and Emily Nagoski!

I enjoyed this book. Nagoski is like a thoughtful older sister who brings the reader back down to earth. She demystifies and debunks the myths that pervade women's sexuality culture and leaves us comparing ourselves to unrealistic expectations.

I have not read any of Emily Nagoski's other books, so I didn't know what to expect. I thought this was a good approach to a topic that many may find taboo or have been told was taboo. It's great for couples to read together and discuss all the topics in the book. This is a book that has something for everyone. There may be some things that you don't relate to but that is quickly followed by something you do recognize in yourself. I think the most important statement she says is that we are not broken if we don't want sex all of the time or if we do want it all of the time and that it's okay to be "different." Recommend this for anyone but especially couples that have been together for a long time. Communication is so important as time goes by.

Thanks to the publisher and NetGalley for advanced copy, and I give my review freely

This is more than just a book about having a healthy sex life in a long term relationship, it contains advice on maintaining a healthy long term relationship just in general. Which makes sense the more you think about how there are different levels of intimacy and what intimacy means to each person.

Overall, this is not a one size fits all. There will be topics and advice in this book that won’t apply to you, as that happened to me. There’s a chapter in particular that uses a house as a metaphor that no matter how hard I tried just didn’t really feel revolutionary to me so maybe I didn’t fully get it. That being said, this has facts and wisdom I’ve happily highlighted that I think is great advice. I also found this to be inclusive- with the caveat that like the author I am also a white woman so take that for what it’s worth.

I personally haven’t read Come as You Are so I can’t compare if this imparts new information but I found it very informative and well written. If the blurb intrigues you at all I’d give it a read, it’s not overly clinical either and easy to understand. Thank you to Random House/Ballantine Books for this eARC.

While I’m not in a long term relationship, I liked Nagoski’s previous books and writing style and wanted to see what else she was researching. I almost think the two parts in this book should be flipped as I found part 2 to be the more elementary/science background of the two while part 1 was the more practical application. I will say I found the gender sections to be a bit reductive - while it’s one perspective, sure, I think saying inconsistencies amount to societal messages is a broad generalization. Overall this book was a bit of a skim for me at this point in my life but maybe would be helpful down the line.

Thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.