This memoir blends a number of themes that will resonate with women of a certain age. There is an unexpected true crime angle but mostly it is a story of female friendship.

There is something specifically insightful (and slightly devastating) about reading this book as a woman who has never had a friendship like the ones explored between the women in this book’s pages. I have 2 incredible sisters, an amazing mom, an extremely lovable grandmother, but I have never had the type of unparalleled attached at the hip type of female friendship that they often show in movies, tv, or books.

There is a underlying hollowness present in my life, and I’m sure many other women’s, in the shape of a female best friend (the one you do everything with, that you tell everything to, go everywhere with) that due to different circumstances in my life, I have never been able to fill. I think this sensation of isolation from a type of friendship that seems quintessential to girlhood and womanhood is extremely under-talked about, despite my knowing of so many women online who feel this alone. There is a stigma of being a woman with no girl best friends, that you are potentially unlikable, unsupportive of others, view yourself as superior; There is the simple unacknowledged causation of this type of unchosen independence: lack of opportunity that has slowly morphed into self isolation. It feels like you’ve missed a train everyone else had this certain someone else get them a ticket for, and you don’t know where to even begin to be allowed on board.

But in no way is this book about me, and I went into it knowing I needed to put my lack out of mind in order to openly welcome the value and uniquely manifested presence of other women’s platonic love.

Lilly chronicles her tumultuous childhood through her friendships: skipping school, drinking and doing drugs, going out to clubs, lounging for hours on the fire escape; trying to be older than she is while still lavishing in the value of her girlhood relationships. Is there any more commonly normalized and advertised part of being a woman than the confidence and company of a group of girlfriends?

In this book, Dancyger unpacks while also processing deep traumas in her life, reminiscing upon the entrance and exits of multiple impactful and deeply important relationships, the priceless girl friends of days past and future. While in the midst of grief for the loss of her cousin, one of her closest, longest, and most cherished friends, Lilly takes this opportunity to deeply reflect and desperately cling to the women in her life, truly the most invaluable relationships you can be granted in this life.

I am grateful to be a spectator of the magic of female friendships, the transformative power they provide to girls who are slowly growing into women and once they become women, the petty triumphs these friendships’ temperamental drama teaches you to overcome, the companionship of women who will catch you when you fall and listen to you when you yap, push you out of your comfort zone but tuck you back in when you need to get that comfort back. Despite my own personal lack of this type of love, a fact that has cornered me into my shell with an isolating vengeance that often no longer lets me hope for this experience, or seek it, I can deeply appreciate this kind of love’s incomparable value when I see it, and despite the fact that this specific kind of love can at this moment never be able to be truly defined, or bottled for me to entirely capture it myself, Dancyger artfully and idiosyncratically eternalizes it’s impact on her in her life so far, and it’s impact upon her is equally heartwarming and heart-wrenching to experience.

What a beautifully written ode to formative female friendship. These essays are written with so much care and thoughtfulness, the reader immediately becomes emotionally invested.

This book is such a beautiful collection of essays that really encapsulate the vast nuances of and experiences within female friendship. Much of it is deeply personal to Lilly Dancyger’s own life and lived experience, but simultaneously speaks to the universal truths of what it means to have and be a friend.

I specifically love the way that Lilly Dancyger’s writing finds a way to shape the mundanities of friendship and everyday life into narratives that feel magical and meaningful and whole. Because in the end, it really is all about the moments spent sitting on the fire escape with your besties, sitting and talking and drinking and smoking for hours. That *is* the magic. Her writing is so engrossing and transportive that I felt like I was right there with her and her friends as they figured life out and laughed and cried and grieved their losses and took on the world. <3

The way that these essays collectively traced the through-line of how friendships evolve and change over time and through the defining years of middle/high school, early twenties, late twenties, early thirties, etc. made me ache with nostalgia for all of the friends I’ve loved and lost over the years, and want to text the ones who are still by my side to this day how much I love them.

Fave essays were The Fire Escape, Partner In Crime, Sad Girls, How To Support A Friend Through Grief, and Mutual Mothering. I also highly recommend the essay collection Burn It Down, which Lilly Dancyger edited a few years back!

Thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for providing me with a digital ARC of First Love in exchange for an honest review. I also purchased my own physical copy of the book and listened to the audiobook (read by the author) on Spotify.

Thank you NetGalley, Penguin Random House and Lilly Dancyger for the advanced reader copy of this book in exchange for review.

This essay collection is moving and truly beautiful. I feel as if it touched a part of me I didn't know how to describe. A comprehensive look at female friendships, and what love means between them, First Love is a deep dive into emotions and how our friendships are woven in tandem with them. Many times I felt seen while reading this. Many times I felt recognized. First Love not only addresses female friendships but the gambit of grief and loss, familial difficulty, and the constant struggle to quantify our feelings.

At different stages I reflected and thought of different loves I have had along the way, and found new respect for the role they played in who I am today.

The writing itself is beautiful, and I feel honoured to have shared in Lilly's journey.

Good writing that is unfortunately eclipsed by unabashed mentions of the Israeli occupation with no acknowledgment of its violent settlements in Palestine.

What a beautiful collection of essays on deep, soul-sustaining friendships! Lilly Dancyger is such a good writer that even when your world couldn’t be more different than her experiences, she manages to get to the heart of these relationships and make it widely relatable. The book is a love letter to her people and it’s stunning in its in intimacy. You feel lucky as the reader to be let in this way.

🔸ARC REVIEW🔸 First Love: Essays on Friendship by Lilly Dancyger

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (4.5)

GENRES: Memoir, Essays

🌶️ HOT TAKE: Your first, formative experiences of conditional (sometimes obsessive) love are with your friends, not your romantic interests.

🧶 THE SUMMARY:
The anchoring essay(s) in this collection is one of grief, loss, and of first love. The author’s first best friend, her cousin Sabine, was murdered when they were both young adults. The author reminisces on the close relationship they had growing up, and how as adults, they were just staring to come together again before she was violently, and randomly, killed. After her death, the author leaned heavily on her female friends and the subsequent essays in the collection explore how our experiences impact what we seek and exchange in our friendships through closer looks at the author’s friendships over the years.

💁🏻‍♀️ MY THOUGHTS:
🔸 In the concluding essay, the author discusses how she originally set out to write a true crime memoir about the circumstances surrounding her cousin’s death as a way to process the trauma and share her cousin’s story, but she ended up writing this instead. I love how the message of this book, whose premise is so emotionally raw, ended up being one of love and hope instead of one of violence or death. It felt like such a good celebration of the value of friendship and I loved every minute of it!

🔸 Each essay in the collection talks about a new friend, what that friendship dynamic looked and felt like, and in some ways how it has evolved in the time since. I appreciated how the author chose to include both friendships that have burned out and others that have stood the test of time and evolved to meet it. I particularly liked the essays toward the beginning of the collection, where the dynamic was a little darker (due to the heightened emotions of youth) than the later essays, but overall, I loved this one.

Thank you to Netgalley and The Dial Press for the arc, provided in exchange for an honest review. 

🔗 SIMILAR BOOKS:
📙 BFF by Christie Tate: Another essay collection inspired by the death of friend (this one from a long illness). This one is a little more psychologically curious, and would be an interesting foil because the author is largely unpacking her struggle with forming and sustaining female friendships.

📙 Veronica by Mary Gaitskill: A fiction book where the now aging narrator is thinking back on a friendship she made as young adult with an older woman that she had reconnected with right before her death to AIDS. This book definitely focuses more on the darker side of female friendship, where love is also tangled up in jealousy and competition.

Dancyger crafts a poignant and insightful exploration of the intricate tapestry of women's friendships, treating them with the depth and nuance they truly deserve. Each essay in this collection is a testament to the profound bonds that exist between women, portrayed as love stories in their own right.

It felt more like a cohesive narrative than essays, but the story made me think about the many friendships in my life and the impact on who I am. It tackles some really challenging topics, and shows how the relationships and friends around us can carry us thought - it was beautiful and handled with such compassion and honesty that it felt worth pushing through.

An ode to female friendship, ‘First Love’ by Lilly Dancyger is a collection of poignant essays about some of the most defining relationships in your life. Leaning heavily into personal anecdotes, this collection is tender and bittersweet.

"The idea that the very things that have made you feel different and wrong are not only impressive & romantic, but they can connect you with someone else, is intoxicating. Irresistible. It feels like acceptance and absolution, like being fully seen and loved for exactly who you are" First Love- Lilly Dancyger.
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If you find yourself here reading this I need you to stop. Take a deep breath. If this were a video (I have recorded something similar for social media) I would ask you to close your eyes. Take a breath. Do you trust me? I am about to recommend an absolutely beautiful piece of work. Lets talk Friendship- best friends that are like an extension of ones self. The ones who have been there through the highest of highs. The lowest of lows. Maybe you are immediately thinking of one person- maybe many. Thinking of the friend - who you played pretend wedding with when you wer4e 6 or 7, The friend you came into your teens with- endlessly in trouble with parents and teachers. The friend who you found yourself imitating in many ways trying to meld who you were to be more like they were. A friend who never left your side for all of high school. Maybe that one friend who you met at a bar and started to party often with. The one who you ended up sharing each others darkest and deepest secrets with while curled up in her bed suffering your third hangover of the week. That one was on repeat for a while. The friend you stood by as they got married. Whatever you think of in this moment- Lilly Dancygers First Love: Essays on Friendship will have you remembering even the moments that may have seemed inconsequential, The love we share and the intimate moments cultivated between the best of friends. Dancygers most recent release came out early this week & I had the great privilege of receiving an Arc. A collection of essays that transcends the typical reference of friendship. Portraying our Friends as our First Loves. The most quotable book I have read this year by far. I loved the description of friendship as often mothering one another. I have recently found myself in a state where I am lacking those true connections- lacking those folks you can completely unveil it all to. It is sad and isolating. As a new mother (shes almost 3- yet it feels like yesterday) - the idea of mothering our friends was a beautiful way for me to think of these sorts of connections. I felt a sense of grief in reading this work at this time because of that. What was interesting - as that grief set in and I read about these people in Lillys life- I felt a sense of hope. An opening.
"But the self is a tenacious thing, it will allow itself to be submerged for a time, but there in the murky waters of love, or grief, or addiction, or fear, or whatever you try to drown it in- it waits It waits for its moment, for the first crack in the surface, and then it struggles fourth."

An absolutely wonderful read that I will be recommending to anyone who finds themselves in a deep platonic love. I think its fair to say all of us have or wish to experience it.

First Love is a collection of essays on the wonderful intimacy and complexity of female friendships, as told by author and essayist, Lilly Dancyger. Dancyger writes about various friendships she has had through her lifetime, how they impacted her growth and development, and how she has and continues to view herself through the lens of these friendships.

As a woman who has had the pleasure of experiencing multiple versions of female friendship over my lifetime, I was immediately entranced by Lilly Dancyger’s essays. More than that, I was engrossed by her profound and almost lyrical writing. My Kindle is filled to the brim with highlights of passages I couldn’t leave behind, making it extremely difficult to pick only one quote for this review.

Somewhere along the line, I read multiple comparisons between Lilly Dancyger’s “First Love'' and Dolly Alderton’s “Everything I Know About Love.” Alderton’s memoir is very near and dear to me—I even had my brother-in-law do a reading from the book at my wedding in 2023. There are definitely similarities between the two memoirs, namely the examination and celebration of female friendships. However, it’s important to note that the two are vastly different.

If you’re looking for a warm and fuzzy story about gal pals living it up in their twenties, this is probably not the book for you. Lilly Dancyger writes intimately about her very difficult experiences as a child, teenager, and young adult. There should be one big content warning stamped across the front cover of this book. I’ve outlined a few things to take note of at the top of my review, but I’m certain I’ve missed a few.

Dancyger spends much of this book recounting the murder of her cousin and childhood playmate, Sabina. As she describes, the two were more than cousins; they were sisters, each other’s halves, like two puzzle pieces that perfectly fit into each other. The loss of Sabina was integral in shaping Dancyger’s adulthood.

As she reveals near the end of the book, Dancyger felt compelled to write about her cousin’s murder, but was struck by the loss of the victim’s identity to the morbid curiosity many have regarding the perpetrator. Instead, she decided on an homage to female friendship. And the result was utterly beautiful.

Out of this collection of essays, so many were incredibly poignant, literally taking my breath away. Dancyger carved out beautiful depictions of the women in her life, so much so that I felt like I knew the group of friends as if they were my own. There were often times when I would catch myself saying “No” out loud when something bad happened to any of them, then quickly glance at my husband to make sure I hadn’t woken him up.

One essay that I found particularly devastating to read was “How to Support a Friend Through Grief” which is told as though through a step-by-step guide to grief. It is heartbreaking and beautiful and touching and all the things. It’s a difficult read, but a pain that feels necessary, in a way.

Another essay discusses how Dancyger feels about motherhood. This is not a new topic, especially not in today’s conversation where more and more women are opting into a childfree-by-choice lifestyle. But what I found to be refreshing about this particular take was Dancyger’s internal conflict. I rarely (if ever) see depictions of women who feel an inherent desire to have children that is riddled with the fear of losing oneself, particularly career and personhood, to becoming a mother. It’s a debate that never has a clear resolution and I appreciated this perspective as someone who is entering that chapter of her own life.

Every time I put this book down, first of all, I didn’t want to. I actively never wanted to stop reading. I read until my eyes were dry and blurry. One time, I read until I fell asleep past 1AM with the Kindle still in my hand. But second of all, when I put the book down, I felt this profound wistfulness. Like a nostalgia for something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

First Love by Lilly Dancyger is a breathtaking depiction of female friendships and the desire women feel to comfort, and be comforted by, the other women in their lives.

I basically went in blind when I decided to read this one and really wasn’t sure what to expect. What I found was a beautiful memoir—a courageous declaration of female friendship, based on the deep bonds of love between the author and her close female friends.

This is a rich collection of essays centered around grief, sadness, dreams and desires, and human connection all wrapped up in the cultural and social mores of the day. Lilly lost her father at a young age as well as another family member that meant so much to her. These crushing events were major sources of sadness and loneliness that led Lilly to seek out close friendships. What I loved the most was the intensity of the relationships. These young women were always willing to help each other with whatever the issue was—help with a new baby, a place to stay, keeping one another safe on the streets of New York City, and just being there when support was needed. These are just a few examples of what they did for each other. It was sad to see some of Lilly’s strongest friendships fade over time due to life circumstances, but she was fortunate to always have a group with whom she could closely connect.

To be clear these were not romantic relationships. Simply companionship of the highest order. I’ve always thought a person was so fortunate to have one close friend. Lilly was surrounded by many. And each one played a role in helping Lilly pull her difficult life back in focus and become a successful writer. Profound stuff. I highly recommend First Love to all looking for a deeply moving treatise on the power of human connection.

I would like to thank Net Galley, The Dial Press, and Ms.Lilly Dancyger for an advanced copy. Opinions are mine alone and are not biased in any way.

Nonfiction with heart and teeth. This is a beautiful homage to friendships between women, weaving texts from pop culture and history and Tumblr. I sipped this one. Each essay is a meal.

First Love is a beautiful book of essays about female friendships and some of our strongest bonds. Lilly Dancyger is about a decade younger than me and I definitely saw myself and my past friendships in these gorgeously written essays. She describes female friendship, especially during the teen years, so perfectly. Those relationships burn with such intensity and mean so much even if they can be fleeting. Dancyger is part of New York counterculture and a big reader as a teenager. She also eloquently writes on the devastating grief of losing someone so close to you. This is such a special and affecting collection of essays about friendship and its importance and hold on us.

I listened to the audiobook, which is perfectly narrated by the author. Thank you Penguin Random House Audio for providing this audiobook ARC. All thoughts are my own.

First love. First love. First love.
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When you hear those two words, what comes to mind? Probably not friendship. And yet Lilly clearly and so beautifully makes the case that our first loves really are our friends. She’s not even trying to convince you of it. She’s just very coolly sharing a glimpse into her world of friendship and that window then becomes a mirror of our own lives and friendships. The ones we still have and the cherished ones that we lost track of over time.
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Each essay in this collection has its own look and feel and yet they’re all cohesive. My favorites included:

In Search of Smoky Cafes where she explores the “high moments” of Anais Nin that she herself is seeking (think meaningful moments 😉)

How to Support a Friend Through Grief which very succinctly outlines her own journey of grief

Spell to Mend a Broken Heart that highlights the particular magic of engaging in rituals with our friends

The Rose Tattoo about the photos that don’t exist

Mutual Mothering on how friends end up mothering one another which took me back to my sorority days in college

Portraiture which explores the uniqueness of friendship when the dynamic changes as one is the artist and the other is the subject (I’ve had my own experience with this when a friend painted my portrait—meaningful moment btw)
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I loved this walk through Lilly’s life through her friendships. And I’m sure you will too.

First Love by Lilly Dancyger is a well written coming of age essay collection of women’s friendships and love.
A truly relatable and formative read that I honestly enjoyed.

Thank You NetGalley and Publisher for your generosity and gifting me a copy of this amazing eARC!

In this collection of 15 essays, Lilly Dancyger explores the impact female friendships have had on her life and their cultural context. She describes her teenage years as a high school dropout in NYC and the friends who loved her, mothered her, and outgrew her. She's just a little younger than I am, but belongs to that final generation of teenagers before social media. Despite having very different backgrounds, I was definitely nostalgic for the era she inhabited.

I recommend this to anyone who shares that nostalgia, it was a fellow Sylvia Plath sad girl.

First Love by Lilly Dancyger is a book highlighting the impact of female friendship. I absolutely adored the concept and subject matter. I was excited for this read as I have been trying to focus and invest more in my own personal friendships.

However, I had a hard time connecting to or even remembering the characters introduced. I also was not able to relate to many of the stories throughout. I think overall, I may not have been the target audience for this book. I was just not invested in it or excited to keep picking it up.

Additionally, I don’t know if I would consider it to be a collection of essays but more of a memoir as all the essays blended well into each other.

Nevertheless, the book was well written and flowed nicely.