When Tia Levings was a tween, her family moved from Michigan to Florida. There, she grew up attending a mega church as well as their affiliated Christian school, and from them learned a strict interpretation of certain Biblical passages; that wives should submit to their husbands in everything, that men should provide and women should stay home, have lots of babies, and homeschool them. The move meant she didn’t have a lot of friends, and she fell under the sway of a family that followed the teachings of Bill Gothard and his Institute of Basic Life Principles (think the Duggar family).

Surrounded by friends who were eschewing college for “courting” and having their fathers find them a husband, Tia tried to follow suit. The young man she ended up with already had a lot of red flags before their extremely short engagement, but she hid them–she believed it was the wife’s responsibility to present a perfect shiny face to the world. But it only went from bad to worse. After their marriage, they had a baby right away. Tia was happy to stay home with the kids, but her husband soon settled into a classic pattern of abuse–one sanctioned by their church. Next they left the Gothard movement and ended up at a reformed church that was, believe it or not, even more extreme.

I’m trying not to give spoilers, but this book was shocking to me. I come from a relatively conservative Christian background myself, I thought, and of course abusive men exist in all groups, but this was something new to me. At one point they visit an Orthodox Church and are told, “God is love and values women equally,” and I could feel my shoulders relax. Finally some truth! When Tia finally escapes (not a spoiler–read the subtitle!), she has a lot to do to recover. Her anger at lost time, especially with her children, is raw and vulnerable. Her strength is obvious at all times.

I’m not going to lie–this is a hard read. But it’s good. I’m glad I read it, and it contains some very important “insider” information as to some of the extreme beliefs held in these groups, many of which are now represented in our government. Tia is a wordsmith, and the book is well written. Highly recommended, but not for the faint of heart!

Harrowing insight into the world of Christian fundamentalism. The phrase “hiding in plain sight” kept coming to mind because so much of the abuse is hidden right under the surface, under seemingly happy children and family life. As a pastor (who is also a woman) I’m horrified the way the Bible is regularly twisted by some. Gripping writing that kept me going chapter after chapter. Absolutely would recommend.

harrowing story of a women who didn’t know anything beyond extreme religious interpretation of the Bible Churches. That of she didn’t obey her husband, her family, her religious leaders that God would persecute her to hell after her death. In the realities of the world we live in now in 2024, we are seeing more and more this extremism. We never thought such things as the book and series the Handmaids Tale could exist in reality, but to an extent in some religious sectors it does. We’ve seen it in ways of the Duggars ( 19 kids and Counting) and how people who call themselves Christians come out and tell women how they should be home making babies and keeping the home. People that say with there words that they love people and God and Jesus loves all, but will tell you that you’re going to hell if you support others that don’t believe in what they do, or if you are different than they are. Newsflash Jesus loves everyone, he helped all people, the sick, the different, the people that even wanted to harm him, he believed everyone had a right to live and worship God.

This book was brutally honest, brave, beautifully written and a reminder that we all don’t know what’s occurring behind closed doors. I pray that Tia and her kids have a less fearful life filled with happiness, and amazing adventures. They deserve a life that shows the goodness of God and people.

Thank you Net Galley and St. Martin’s Press for this eARC. I truly thankful and humbled that I was able to read and review this book. Thank you for helping Tia share her story with the world.

This was so poorly written and full of word-for=word dialogue I couldn't take it seriously. It's hard when it is a memoir about such serious topic as domestic and religious abuse but the way it was written seemed forced and fake--no one remembers whole conversations like the ones presented in the book as fact. This made the book read like fiction and was really off-putting.

Right before I even open this book I knew that this would be the kind of book that I was going to yell at and that would anger me immensely. I also knew that this would be the type of book that I couldn't wait to get my hands on. Not only were both of those things correct but I was very surprised on how much I sympathized with our main character instead of felt enraged by her blind devotion. This book is a true story all about the author, Tia Levings, who is living in an abusive marriage. What made things much worse however was because of her faith of Christian fundamentalists, she was unable to turn to anybody on the outside for help and those inside her circles were consistently telling her how she should act in order to help him change. I love this book because it angered me so much. I felt so bad for Tia, I felt bad that she had to go through this and had no one to turn to, I felt bad that so many people let her down and let her husband get away with his wrongdoings, and I also felt bad that she isn't the only one that has ever gone through something like this. Even though I felt bad though I was very excited to see how she would survive this, and was very amazed and blown away by her strength and courage to face the unknown and get help for herself and a better life for not just her but for her children as well. I can't imagine the strength that must have taken in order to share her story with the world, especially when it was so bad even before they got married. Well this was a very sad story it amazed me at every turn and I was mesmerized on all of the experiences that Tia went through not just in her terrible marriage, but all of the brainwashing up to her marriage. It was very easy to see why she ended up in a situation she was in from her past however that does not make it right or excuse anything that happened to her. It was almost like watching a train wreck knowing that you can't stop it from happening. This book is very upsetting because I knew it wasn't a work of fiction and that all of this really happened. I blows my mind that in today's day and age there are still so many people who have to suffer for no reason just because of someone's twisted beliefs like Tia did. Very good read and even though a lot of it blew my mind and made me shoot steam out of my ears I still enjoyed every minute of it, however I think knowing she made it out all right helped. It was heartbreaking to read about all of the excuses she gave for his behavior and to watch her consistently try to change everything about herself in order to please him even when he implies she was failing her faith. I'm glad that she was able to share her experiences with other people because not everyone is that lucky. Read this book for sure because it will change your life. Great read and I'm so glad I was given the chance to check it out. This is one book that everyone has to read regardless of their own faith because it shines a light on domestic violence in a way that isn't often portrayed. I hope that this book brings light to everyone's situation the people who need to hear this message will find it. While it is a tough read at times just because of the subject is beautifully written and I liked how she expressed her positive moments as well as her darkest ones but at the same time she didn't go too dark where it overshadowed the progression of how it got so desperate. Very good job and I can't wait until this book is released and if you do decide to read this one make sure you have time to finish it because it will be impossible to put down. The only thing I can say I wasn't a fan of was all of the religious talks near the end of the book however I understand how important her faith was and how it helped her survive the trouble so I see why it was important.

I really enjoyed this memoir. There were a couple grammatical mistakes and there was a part talking about an election that said the choices were Pat Buchanan and Donald Trump? I don’t think that’s right.
The writing in the beginning was a little hard to get used to, seemed a bit more choppy. Probably because it was further in the past. As the book went on it became more flowy and I was hooked. Loved the ending and how she shared her therapy. It was vulnerable and beautiful. Amazing story.

Incredibly well written. The author did an amazing job at bringing out many issues in patriarchal family systems. The harm it does to women and kids, and even men themselves. I was so often incridibly frustrated during this read that unfortunately, do happen in today's society.

Tia Levings’s story of survival as part of an ultra conservative Christian community in “A Well Trained Wife” left an impression on me - it was so hard for me to put her memoir down. The author describes her severely restricted life and how she eventually found the courage to leave her abusive marriage and community in search of a life of equality.

It is incredibly scary to me that these ideas exist, and it is even scarier that they're practiced in this country and era. That people, in this day and age, suffer terribly and needlessly at the hands of Christian patriarchy.

Over the course of the text, Levings lays out the many things she wasn't allowed to do, things that are taken for granted by most of us American women nowadays. There are so many of them that I'm worried I'm not conveying the full gamut of the abuse she endured here. Among the things inaccessible to her are the right to vote, contraception, a career. She lives with book bans, harsh discipline - in a stay at home life of control, shame, and then some. At a certain point, routine marital spanking was normalized by her husband, incited by their church, not even for the (unlawful) punishment of breaking one of the myriad patriarchal rules, but just because.

Sometimes with memoirs the story carries enough weight to blow the reader away in itself. But this book is not like that. It is beautifully and skillfully written and carries you along as you take in the magic of its words. The text reads as if it were fiction, like a thriller that's all too real. Maybe because it's so unbelievable that these things happen in our time? Maybe because we women never fully lose the fear of being suppressed, used, our souls, wants, and needs exterminated?

I am keeping this review free from quotes because the publisher would like to see them taken from the final version of the manuscript. It breaks my heart though because there are so many special passages that I can't seem to translate into my own words. I guess this just means that you'll have to go and read them for yourself!

Thank you Netgalley and St. Martin’s Press for the Advance Reader's Copy!

Tia Levings tells her compelling and heartbreaking story of years of experiencing and overcoming religious trauma. I flew through this book, captivated and stunned by her experiences in an abusive marriage fueled by Christian Fundamentalism patriarchal beliefs. I’m so thrilled she was able to tell her story, overcome these hardships, and raise awareness of what happens to women in these quiverfull Christian families.

Thank you St. Martin’s Press , Netgalley, and Tia Levings for the digital ARC in exchange for an honest review!

BOOK REPORT
Received a complimentary copy of A Well-Trained Wife: My Escape From Christian Patriarchy by Tia Levings from St. Martin's Press/NetGalley, for which I am appreciative, in exchange for a fair and honest review. Scroll past the BOOK REPORT section for a cut-and-paste of the DESCRIPTION of it from them if you want to read my thoughts on the book in the context of that summary.

If you don’t want to read this really good, totally fucking horrific book about religious fundamentalism and abuse of women and children, then visit the author’s website, instead: https://tialevings.com/

And just in case you don’t have time to do that, let me excerpt some critically important points from that site here:

“Christian Fundamentalists want to run the country the way they run their homes. Do you know what that means?

“High-control religion is not only reshaping our families. They’re also changing our politics, laws, and elections. And what many don’t realize is that Christian fundamentalists want to govern our country the way they govern their homes…….

“I believe knowledge is power. And I can tell you what the Christian Patriarchy doesn’t want you to know…..

“Fundies (a shortened nickname for 'Fundamentalist') keep women busy having and caring for babies. She’s a ‘keeper of the home.’ If her world is small and simple, the rest of their governing goals will fall into place without her opposition. As a fundie wife, I wasn’t allowed to vote, drive, or spend without permission. I couldn’t say no, use birth control, or get a divorce.”

You think your vote doesn’t matter? Take it from someone who lives in Alabama in 2024. It absolutely does.

Or, maybe you’re OK with religious extremism, as long as it comes in one flavor: vanilla.

Jesus wept.

A VERY IMPORTANT PS
Tia Levings writes in this memoir about EMDR—Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy—as one of the ways she worked through multiple traumas. She was initially sceptical of it, as was I......

But y'all?

It absolutley, completely, and totally works as a treatment for posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Been there, done that. And don't just take my word for it: https://www.ptsd.va.gov/understand_tx/emdr.asp

DESCRIPTION
“Today it hit me when he hit me, blood shaking in my brain. Maybe there wasn’t a savior coming. Maybe it was up to me to save me.”

Recruited into the fundamentalist Quiverfull movement as a young wife, Tia Levings learned that being a good Christian meant following a list of additional life principles––a series of secret, special rules to obey. Being a godly and submissive wife in Christian Patriarchy included strict discipline, isolation, and an alternative lifestyle that appeared wholesome to outsiders. Women were to be silent, “keepers of the home.”

Tia knew that to their neighbors her family was strange, but she also couldn't risk exposing their secret lifestyle to police, doctors, teachers, or anyone outside of their church. Christians were called in scripture to be “in the world, not of it.” So, she hid in plain sight as years of abuse and pain followed. When Tia realized she was the only one who could protect her children from becoming the next generation of patriarchal men and submissive women, she began to resist and question how they lived. But in the patriarchy, a woman with opinions is in danger, and eventually, Tia faced an urgent and extreme choice: stay and face dire consequences, or flee with her children.

Told in a beautiful, honest, and sometimes harrowing voice, A Well-Trained Wife is an unforgettable and timely memoir about a woman's race to save herself and her family and details the ways that extreme views can manifest in a marriage.

An important inside look into a resurgent movement. Tia Levings’ story is inspiring and necessary in these times.

This was a hard, hard read - not because of the writing style, but because of the atrocious things the author went through. I had to keep reminding myself that she came out on the other side and lived to write about it.

Thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for the ARC.

The sub-title for this newly published memoir by Tia Levings should be "My Escape from an Abusive Marriage". The sub-title "my escape from Christian Patriarchy" was chosen as a springboard from her participation in the Amazon documentary Shiny Happy People. I am friends with a number of women who have been divorced from abusive men and I was also married to one for 19 years. What happened to Tia before and during her marriage is not because of "Christian patriarchy", it is because of an abusive man. One church that she and her husband were in seemed to support her husband, but they did not know the full story of her abuse. A pastor and his wife in another church helped her leave, as did a number of other Christians.
I am in a conservative Christian church (PCA Presbyterian) and have personally witnessed our church leadership come alongside to support wives with abusive husbands. This includes supporting the divorce and excommunicating the man. I am familiar with a number of the books and teachings Levings refers to in her book. None of these writers support abuse, although I agree that many of them do not have a sound Biblical basis. I am glad that Levings and her children escaped her abusive husband. I am sad that she lost her Christian faith along the way. For a memoir from someone who left an abusive situation without losing her faith, I recommend "Counting the Cost" by Jill Duggar.
I received a complementary copy from the publisher via NetGalley.

My horrified fascination with cults and high-control religious groups began early in my adult life and continues to this day. Name a memoir written by a survivor of religious trauma and/or abuse and the odds are good that I’ve read it. So when I learned that Tia Levings, an incredibly brave woman whose story featured heavily throughout the Amazon Prime documentary Shiny Happy People, was coming out with a book, I smashed that want-to-read button on Goodreads so quickly and so hard, I’m surprised my phone screen didn’t shatter. And when that book, A Well-Trained Wife: My Escape from Christian Patriarchy (St Martin’s Press, 2024), was offered up for review on NetGalley, I went running. I knew this book was going to be incredible.

And I was not disappointed.

But I was shaken. Deeply. It’s that kind of book.

Several times, I had to put my kindle down and take a few deep breaths. Several more times, I had to pull out the tissues, and during one moment, I needed to stop and hug my daughter (still crying, of course).

Before I get into the meat of this review, please know that while this is an utterly amazing memoir that deserves to be read far and wide, it’s intense. It’s a LOT. It’s probably the heaviest escape memoir I’ve ever read, and I don’t say this lightly, because survivor stories are always heavy with the pain and trauma they’ve suffered at the hands of their cult. That said, Tia Levings' writing is raw; she doesn't hold back on walking her readers through her trauma and letting them know that this isn’t just her story. This is the story of a lot of women who have gotten pulled into fundamentalism.

This memoir revolves around themes of abuse (spiritual and religious, physical, emotional, and sexual), Christian fundamentalism, domestic violence, misogyny, Christian patriarchy, fear, shame, fear of hell and loss of salvation, female submission, control, isolation, Christian Dominionism, Christian nationalism, Christian domestic discipline, quiverfull theology, ATI and Bill Gothard, Reform and Calvinist theology, repeat pregnancies, rape, painful sexual encounters, severe medical events, death of an infant, grief, diminishment and loss of self, dissociation, and mental illness. Take care of yourself when you read this book. It’s incredible the entire way through, but even if you’re not a survivor of religious abuse and trauma like Ms. Levings, there are potentially triggering topics on every page. Survivors will see a reflection of the nightmares they lived through; non-survivors will be shocked and appalled at the devastation wreaked upon women and children in the name of God.

It was a family move to Florida, followed by her family’s eventual involvement with a Baptist megachurch, that set Tia Levings down a twisted path of Christian fundamentalism, patriarchy, and female submission. Due to a combination of heavy church influence and lack of family finances, Tia walked away from the idea of college (too worldly for Christian girls like her, anyway) and instead waited for God to send her a husband. And a husband was indeed sent - though by whom, I'm not sure - in the form of Allan, a Christian Air Force veteran who began abusing Tia even before they became engaged. But with the ideas of female submission and forgiveness firmly planted in Tia’s mind, she went along with what she’d been taught and married Allan anyway. It’s what a good Christian girl does.

Her long-anticipated wedding night was terrible, sounding like something straight out of Debi Pearl’s account of her own honeymoon (if you’re not familiar with the story, you can Google it, but I’m warning you, it’s horrific, and beware, because she and her awful husband are still some of the louder voices in this harmful patriarchal movement), and life only spiraled downward from there. “It’s my job to teach you what we believe,” Tia’s husband informed her. Another friend shamed her by telling her, “If you’re feeling personal ambition, Tia, you need to repent and ask Jesus to help you die to yourself.” It’s no wonder that she slowly began to feel like she was vanishing from her own life, using dissociation as a coping mechanism and losing large chunks of time as baby after baby joined their family.

Fundamentalist Christianity uses severe control tactics in order to keep women cowering and keep the men in charge, and this is evident in every sentence of this book. I scrawled down horrifying quote after horrifying quote in my notebook as I paged furiously through my kindle copy: “You disgust me with your opinions and individualism.” “The elders feel that women getting together is dangerous, because of our propensity to stray from spiritual topics into gossip when unattended by a head of household.” And, most chilling and stomach-turning of all, this quote, uttered by the husband of the woman in question: “Well, it’s time we should be getting home. Mommy’s getting a spanking.” And for context, the mother being referred to here was both pregnant and nursing at the time. And this wasn’t said in jest. This adult woman was going to be forcefully spanked like a child, as punishment, by her husband, upon returning to their house. This is an aspect of fundamentalism that Ms. Levings experienced as well. I nearly lost my lunch while reading the scenes that dealt with Christian domestic discipline.

Tia and her children eventually do make it out, but only barely, and the long-term effects ripple on today. Her story is told in such a way that you can feel her isolation, the mind-numbing boringness of it all, her desperation to give her kids the best life possible in the midst of all of this, her desire for more. And yet, her survival tactics of denial and downplaying make complete sense in the context of her religious indoctrination; this memoir is the best I’ve ever read at explaining the hows and whys of indoctrination and its effect on decision-making and survival.

This book is going to make some waves. Not just among survivor communities, but also among the general public. Because at the heart of it, this book, along with Tia Levings’ vibrant social media presence, serves as a warning: THIS is how Christian fundamentalists and nationalists want us all to live. All the abuse, the pain, the isolation that she suffered, this is the reality that people on the far right are trying to craft for everyone in the country. Learn it, recognize it, and join the fight against it.

If I could give this book more than five stars, I would. This is one of those books that I think no amount of words could ever do justice to in a review. It’s powerful, it’s masterful, it will shake you to your very core. Read this, but take care of yourself while you do. It’s not an easy read. Read it, then tell everyone you know about it so that they read it too, and are aware of how devastating patriarchal fundamentalist Christianity can be.

If you’re a survivor of religious trauma and/or spiritual abuse and are in need of support, please visit The Vashti Initiative. We’re here for you.

Huge thanks to NetGalley, Tia Levings, and St Martin’s Press for providing me with an early copy for review.

I am overcome with emotion finishing this book! To hear this story is powerful, but Tia's prose truly brings it to life. I absolutely fell in love with her writing style, the way her sentences and stories flow. While I feel like I've read multiple stories that follow a similar tale, the sheer amount of detail really places the reader directly in the author's shoes. You feel the complexities of the emotions, the weight of the consequences, the confusion in constantly being told not to trust your instincts. The writing is so beautiful that I had to reread multiple passages to make sure my eyes weren't glossing over anything too quickly - I didn't want to miss a single word.

Tia - thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your life with us.

Sincere thanks to both NetGalley and St. Martin’s Press for a complimentary advanced copy in exchange for my honest feedback.

I wanted to read “A Well-Trained Wife” originally based on the cover. I had no idea what it was about originally. I then learned it was a memoir. The author, Tia Levings started popping up on my social media and her reels captivated me. I wanted to read her memoir even more. I could not put this book down because I needed to know what happened next. I found myself full sobbing over parts of her story. It was so full of real raw emotions. The author writes beautifully and shared so much of herself. She is a survivor and also a cautionary tale. While difficult to read at times it was her real life and the reality for other women and children today. We come from extremely different background which captivated me. I was heartbroken for a young girl who wanted to make friends and fit in. She wanted a husband because it was the ultimate goal to have a children family. She was in a fundamental religion connected to IBLP and she did as she was told. The church and the leadership were mostly harmful during her time in a high control religion. I’m thankful Tia is telling her story because she points out things that are relevant today and shines a light on the inner workings most of us don’t see and others will not share.

Thanks to NetGalley and St Martin’s Press for this ARC. I got this book for my honest review.

I was lucky enough to be able to get an ARC of this book, and let me tell you, I am so glad she lived her childhood dream to write this book. She really helps you understand how she ended up in a High Control Group, and how she has healed since leaving. Her strength and inner voice ring true throughout the entire book. I think many people would benefit from reading this touching, heartbreaking, and healing book. I did not want to put this book down, the second it touched my kindle, I was hooked.

I first learned about this book from the author on Instagram. I had watched her face and heard her voice as she recounted a few of the painful scenes within this book and yet, I was not prepared to read them.

Tia Levings escaped a horrible trauma that many people are in at this moment and is willing to tell us about what it is like, how she escaped, and leave us with a sense of hope at the end.

I recommend anyone with even the tiniest bit of longing for "tradwife" or returning to typical gender roles in a way that removes choice to read this book.

Thank you to St. Martin's Press and NetGalley for the eARC.

Incredibly well done. Tia did a fantastic job bringing out a large variety of issues in patriarchal family systems. The harm it does to women and kids, and even men themselves.

Just wow. I was captivated throughout the whole book. I relate to so much. I am not as far in my recovery, and I appreciate what she shared about the struggles with that. It's just so nice to hear someone else talk about what feels all too familiar. We are not alone.

Many thanks to NetGalley for the ARC!

Tia Levings deep dives into her past in A Well-Trained Wife. As someone who grew up in a fundamentalist family, this book is hard hitting and extremely validating. Leavings documents her trauma in the most venerable way; you can’t help but feel emotional while reading her story. Her writing style makes you feel like you are there quietly observing her life. I found myself struggling to put down this book, I always needed to read one more chapter.
Overall, this book is a must read.